Champagne for my real friends

Last post of the year!! omg. a new year. new new. year. 08. isnt that strange? our calendar is really peculiar. Now. usually i make alot of new years vows and whatnot, but ive decided that im not gonna do that this year. because 1) you never fulfill whatever you promise, and if you happen to succeed you end up with something you never really wanted from the beginning (like when i made a vow to work out more and harder and not eat sweets and unhealthy stuff, i ended up with anorexia) 2) for most part, the vows just make you feel bad about yourself, that you're a lousy, shitty person who's so useless cause you cant fulfill your vows.
I can say this though. This year, my self-confindence will improve, I am who I am, I don't need anyone else's approval. If im not good enough for people, well then im not, sorry. and im not gonna wait around for things to happen, or wait cause someone cant keep up, im gonna have fun. i can also say another thing. this coming year im turning 18. and that party is gonna be a hell of a party. a piece of heaven. the third thing is. deppressiveness is part of me so it will never be completely off the agenda. but sometimes she says, "i wish i was happier". so what makes people happy?? hey, people should vow to be more happy, not to work out harder.
Seen this room and walked this floor...

From lostprophets "can't catch tomorrow":
A little piece of me grows old
I keep on walking down this road
I've seen a million people change
But I won't stay the same

A new year. New possibilities. Well. Everyday is a new possibility. So go out change something for the better. attitude maybe. or perspective. is that person you hate really as horrible as you'd like to think? i dont think so. bend the rules, create your own, and for goddess sake, live outside the fucking box. face your fears and grow for once. look into the crystal, what do you see?

From Fall Out Boy's "Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends":
Strike us like matches, cause everyone deserves the flames
We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame
At least everyone is trying, everyone is shining
Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame
Such a shame

Well I dunno what will happen tonight, i feel kinda off. i wanted more heaven but they had run out. får klara mej på champagne, men det är inte fel. like only one person i know at that party. gosh. yeah well, now im gonna get into the shower and feel the water droplets trickling down my skin. have a great new start of the year, cause i will have the awesomeliest time in Uppsala!!! :D perfect beginning of a new year ^^ See you 2008 guys!!

A piece of heaven

Following excerpt is from http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/1516?page=3

In order to move toward a state of sustained contentment, Joel had to settle a few fundamental questions—ones that all of us can ask ourselves: "Am I living my own life, the life that expresses who I authentically am? Or am I simply living the way my culture and family and the people around me think I should be living? What do I need to do and who do I need to be to feel authentically myself?" If you ask yourself these questions and listen for the answers, surprising shifts will occur. And these shifts will hold the clues to your personal path to contentment.

Sally is just remarkable, wonderful, a genius. Do you live the life you want?

Writing is who I am. That's why I keep this blog. It allows me to write every day if I like. Doesn't have to be serious or anything, just write, words, meaning or no meaning. Watching a Johnny Depp interview - he also talks about outsiders of society. Just like Gerard Way. Just like so many of us do. Renegades, failures, outsiders, who label all these people? The only failures I see are the ones who try to fit in. You can't be something that's not you.

More from the same article:

Because we live in a culture that values the dream of being "special," of having a big destiny that drives us even when we don't know it, the experience of real alignment often comes when you allow yourself to be—well, ordinary.

Ehe. Just to contradict what was earlier said. Special, ordinary, outsider, fit in. What is what and what makes us who we are? I'm definitely under that drive. A secret dream of a big destiny. A secret dream of some far-off fantasy place. Aren't we all small, potential superheroes? Maybe not everyone, but I can think of a few people atleast. The people I know would save me, they are my superheroes.

Man. I think I just found a piece of heaven, even if my mouth was totally fucked up afterwards, it was amazing. Best time I've had in a long long time. Thanks for everything g..n.. :D:D:D Infected Mushroom are really good.. live with some heaven, oh god, mewant!!

And they lived happily ever after

some old MCR's.. hope i'll see them soon again, going to the uk. :D:D if they only could put up their tour dates... here's headfirst for halos:

And now the red ones make me fly,
And the blue ones help me fall,
And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling.
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts,

And we'll fly home,
We'll fly home,
You and I,
We'll fly home.

And Lostprophets. Amazing. Wanna see. Everyday Combat:

Bar Fight, week night
You don't look right, poor mite, no bite
Wake up, first light
This is what we live and what we see...
Dance club, strip light
Get drunk, no sight, watch it ignite
Live it up tonight
Nobody really cares, but it's not for me...

So raise your glass my son
We're telling everyone

Living in everyday combat
Day to day commuter riot
Shot down, Dancing in the DMZ
(And we)
Walk on, streets on fire
Caged in with razor wire
Shot down, living in the DMZ
Living in the DMZ

Times up, let's go, all that we know
Release tension, you're my hero
After dark, terror in the town high street
And I know you can't stop full throttle
Get involved mate, broken bottle
(Invasion) Panic on the cold concrete

So raise your glass my son
We're telling everyone...

I saw Enchanted. hahahahahaha ME LOVE XD omg it was the silliest, most romantic bad disney ever.. and me likey.. my sis, who btw has neonPINK hair nowadays, was like "omg, i must be sick or smth, i cant like this" ^^ And we watched final fantasy VII advent children in japanese without subs, and we understood pretty well.. then we watched the devil wears prada for like the tenth time.. and ive also been watching some gossip girl.. all i an all, a day infront of the computer and at the movies.. <3

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Sexy underwear, booze and money. All I wanted for christmas. Almost.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead

As the holiday, the holy day, draws nearer, i isolate myself, dedicate mysef to lonely nights of candlelight, the shadows flickering over my face. The finest dress, of midnight flowing fabric, thin silver chains. And a skirt, it was black. Svart tyll, flera lager. And a billowing, pink hem. Lovely lovely pink. It was beautiful. Walking those goth streets, a reminisce of pale faces, without hope, and red, painfully red, tears. And reading. Short stories of tormenting beauty and excruciating pain, of renegades and failures. And that was only by chance, i picked the booklet up from a set of stairs, leading up from the street to some place i didnt go. and started to read. and one of the characters read sylvia plath, she wanted to die. and i looked it up.

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone else in neither category. Here she is. Sylvia.

Cinderella

The prince leans to the girl in scarlet heels,
Her green eyes slant, hair flaring in a fan
Of silver as the rondo slows; now reels
Begin on tilted violins to span

The whole revolving tall glass palace hall
Where guests slide gliding into light like wine;
Rose candles flicker on the lilac wall
Reflecting in a million flagons' shine,

And glided couples all in whirling trance
Follow holiday revel begun long since,
Until near twelve the strange girl all at once
Guilt-stricken halts, pales, clings to the prince

As amid the hectic music and cocktail talk
She hears the caustic ticking of the clock.

I just got so aware of ticking clocks, just because i read all this. Here is some more for you.

Doom of Exiles

Now we, returning from the vaulted domes
Of our colossal sleep, come home to find
A tall metropolis of catacombs
Erected down the gangways of our mind.

Green alleys where we reveled have become
The infernal haunt of demon dangers;
Both seraph song and violins are dumb;
Each clock tick consecrates the death of strangers

Backward we traveled to reclaim the day
Before we fell, like Icarus, undone;
All we find are altars in decay
And profane words scrawled black across the sun.

Still, stubbornly we try to crack the nut
In which the riddle of our race is shut.

i found beautiful white little wish candles today, but i didnt buy them. what if i had written a wish on a piece of old parchment, wrapped it round the little candle and burnt it, the wish rising with the smoke to the gods. More Plath:

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

What is it that we really see when we look in a mirror?? i mean, a mirror can only show what is true, a reflection, but we are not objective when we look in it. we see so many things that migt not be true, so many lies, so many pains and hurts and fallacies. we only see what's ugly and wrong and things we don't like. we are bad at seeing beauty when it's right there before our eyes. why are we so bad i wonder.

im writing a song about the snakecharmer's child. let these fangs sink low, green blood will set you free, but the blue blood wont save you. a broken flute.

Berättelsen om O

The song that haunts me over and over and over is "Miserable at best" by Mayday Parade:

This is for Soph. love you. want to be by your side more than anyone elses right now. "Don't cry, I know. You're trying your hardest. And the hardest part is letting go." Even though no one seems to understand, I know what you're going through. So just let me be by your side, and I hope I'm good for something.

This is for me and everyone else out there who don't seem to get anywhere in life and keep whining about it and feeling stupid and silly for not being able to do anything about it, frustration, anger, pain, emptiness, being alone even though surrounded by friends. "And the hardest part of living. Is just taking breaths to stay."

And this is a constant feeling. What the fucking hell am I doing here in the first place?! "Because I know I'm good for something. I just haven't found it yet. But I need it."

Reading "Berättelsen om O" av Pauline Réages. It's an erotic novel. It's quite interesting, and I've been intending to read it for quite some time now, because of the titel. I just had to find out more about this mysterious O. Since I also call myself O at times it was interesting to make a comparison. It's a really good book actually. Been reading and sleeping alot lately, makes me feel secure, locked inside imaginative worlds, nothing can hurt me there, not even myself. But back to the book. O has a lover. He takes her to a castle somewhere in France, where she is introduced in the rituals of a very strange order. The "masters" are all men of course, or to be honest, the masters are their penises, and the servant girls who are brought there have to obey every wish and whim of the masters. På nätterna piskas de, och också om de brutit mot någon regel eller etikett (blicken ska vara fäst vid "the master", man får på inga villkor titta männen i ögonen, inget prat i korridorerna, svara bara på tilltal etc). Under dagarna agerar de som servants, med det undantaget att männen äger deras kroppar in every sense. Sexually abused beyond sanity, piskade, våldtagna, over and over, every imaginable humiliation, free for every man at the castle to take whenever he wants, chained at hands and neck, chained to the wall when they are supposed to "sleep" (if none of the masters intend to play with her). It's a really intriguing book. Terrible in a way but still intersesting how O just suffers through everything of this because she trusts her lover, the man who brought her there, she loves him beyond reason. Even when she's raped continually from behind, and he's watching, even when they piskar henne tills det blöder och hon skriker av vansinne, and he's watching it all, she still loves him. They own her in every sense, she's all theirs.

Gonna continue reading now. And then I'll sleep.

Lipstick Lullabies

Lussevaka. Var härligt. :) Ruled the dancefloor, we were awesome. I didn't drink too much, had just perfectly perfect amount in my body, maybe a little more. Hookade med random snyggingar. Haha. Vad är problemet? Jag hade kul. Sov typ två timmar. Vaknar, helt yr hela dagen, ara undrade om jag var på lsd. nej, faktiskt inte. men det var ett skämt. annat som hände idag var att jag försökte prata med n på en bänk, och jag tror inte han gillar mej så. jag kände mej fett dissad iaf. jaja. jag kommer säkert deppa fett mkt över det, men inte just nu för nu måste jag plugga till biologiprovet imorron. oh joy. köpte plattång <3<3 hehe, förtidig julklapp. (Y)

Mayday Parade - "Miserable At Best"

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

Hiding with eyes shut, safe place

The Used. Is all I need. Burn away, all thought, all sound, everything around me. Do you feel ok? I've said it a hundred times and I say it again, don't pay any attention to the crap I write. This is therapy, right? And therapy isn't all roses. But she likes the song, she likes it, she likes it. Maybe she'll dangle, maybe she'll do it. Jack's Mannequin is another brilliant band. Beautiful, easygoing, a little bittersweet. And Mayday Parade. Wonderful. Men kan inte jämföras med tungviktarna The Used och 30 seconds to Mars. I personify myself by those bands, their songs are me, identification, hey, they found me. Got three songs right now, first time I heard each of them, they just immediatelly connected to the core of my being, went right into the very bones. Oblivion - 30 seconds to Mars, The Bird and the Worm - The Used, The third temptation of Paris - Alesana. Other The Used songs that help me get through my days: Listening, Pretty Handsome Awkward, Sound Effects and Overdramatic, Hospital, Paralyzed, Wake the dead.

Do you feel okay? (okay)
You look pretty low
Pretty low, pretty low
Pretty handsome awkward

"The Bird And The Worm"

He wears his heart
safety pinned to his backpack
His backpack is all that he knows
Shot down by strangers
whose glances can cripple
the heart and devour the soul

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he crawls
like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

Out of his mind away
pushes him whispering
must have been out of his mind
mid-day delusions of pushing this out of his head
maybe out of his mind

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

"Hospital"

This feeling never leaves you alone
You pull the trigger on your own
You're hiding in your safe place
Hiding with your eyes shut tightly all the way to the hospital

Now will you ever rest your head
You end up feeling mostly dead
Pretending you're the last one
Hiding with your eyes shut tight on the way to the hospital

[Refrain:]
Before I cross my heart and hope to die at all
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars
Before I cross my eyes I'm gonna give it up
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars

It never used to hurt before it isn't funny anymore
Feeling so alone now funny how you wish some way that you'll die at the hospital

You're quiet on the car ride home, you're waiting for your head to explode
You're hiding in your safe place
Hiding with your eyes shut tightly all the way to the hospital

[Refrain]

Will you look them in the face
Could you look me in the face
Three cheers you fooled them all [x2]
Come on now hip hip hooray

Maybe she'll dangle

She wrote a song today. A song about a pathetic, sad, little girl. She's crying right now. But she likes the song.

Every emotion she held dear
She gave away, gave in to fear
And shrank even more, day by day
Maybe she doesn’t want to stay

No promise in his eyes
Still no fake behind the lies
An all-over pain of going insane
Maybe, she’ll jump, in front of next train

Watch her reflection, as sanity fades
In her eyes, see how death parades

There is a special store
For people with hearts as sore
They go there and get some pills
Maybe she’ll try it, it kills

Watch her reflection, as sanity fades
In her eyes, see how death parades

Now her hands are always cold
The devil smiled, her soul she sold
Held out her empty hands, as if to strangle
Maybe she’ll try it, maybe she’ll dangle

Every action, she took the blame
Drowning slowly, in her own shame
Some people say, the solution, a knife
Maybe she’ll do it; maybe she’ll take her own life

Watch her reflection, as sanity fades
In her eyes, see how death parades

Death parades, death parades
Death parades, death parades
[whisper] death parades, death parades…

Shango is a great store

The Used is an amazing band. Love.

More Lawllicopters to the people. Imao.

It's hard to say

the singer finished singing and she's walking out
the singer sheds a tear fear of falling out
and it's hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

my worries weigh the world how i used to be
and everything(i'm cold) seems a plague in me
and its hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

I caught fire

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin...

(I'm melting, Im melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
Why cuts aren't healing
(why cuts aren't healing)
Learning how to love

I'm a fake

[Spoken:]
Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife

A penny for your thoughts but a dollar for your insides

Maybe I'm late, but I don't care. Been listening to infinity on high (fall out boy) for weeks and weeks now but never came as far as praising them here. So here I am. I love them.

Fall Out Boy - "Hum Hallelujah"

It's all a game of this or that, now versus then
better off against worse for wear
And you’re someone who knows someone who knows someone I once knew
And I just want to be a part of this

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions
Hired a construction crew, 'cause it's hell on the engine
You are the dreamer and we are the dream.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

This is like the best line ever, I thought katie came up with it all by herself. :)
Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills.

And everyone with eyes, here's something for you: Get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes... nejdå inte alls riktat till någon alls.

Bourreau des coeurs

Après la pluie le beau temps. Atleast you could always hope. :)

Some useful french stuff (yes jag har läsprov imorron, oh joy):

Qui se ressemble s'assemble. (Lika barn leka bäst)
Mieux vaut tard que jamais. (Bättre sent än aldrig)
Avoir le coeur sur la main. (to have one's heart in one's hand, to be kindhearted)
Être un bourreau des coeurs. (to be an executioner of hearts, a casanova/ladykiller)

Christmas shopping, essay writing, girls' secrets

hullo.
umm.
don't feel like writing right now. all my inspiration went into comparing medea and ett dockhem. i've been watching the lord of the rings, the extended versions and some extra material, it's as a comfort for me, finding my way back to something i can understand, something i love, some core deep inside me. the undying lands, the elves, their wisdom, the heart of darkness in men. what are we holding on to sam? that there is something good in this world, and it's worth fighting for. the whole mythology surrounding tolkien's works, it's something so true and pure, so beautiful, enchanting and mysterious, nothing else can ever even get close to what he achieved. i wanna reread the books.
ok. so i've said i don't like christmas. is that just to be alternative? cause christmas can be kinda nice. sometimes. but i think i like the time before christmas better still. förväntningar, levande ljus, mörkt ute, snön (hoppas den kommer lagom till jul i år), lussebak, pepparkakor, lukten av glögg och juliga kryddor, mys. and i love buying presents for my friends :) usually i compose something really personal, which is so much fun. knowing someone that well is reassuring. safety. i hate however trying to come up with something to give my parents and grandparents, cause all i come up with is boring stuff like candy. any ideas?

ah well. people talk so much shit. things you're not supposed to know of always slips through one way or another.

Secret #7.
Smiles and make up cover up so much these days.

Secret #8.
It's hard not to have anyone want to hold us when we feel alone

Secret #9.
We spend too much time thinking about things that will never happen and dressing up for the boy that will never care.

Secret # 11.
Its hard being with someone knowing that it wont last forever, but not able to end things cause u dont want to end up hurting him, or end up alone and hurting yourself.

Secret #13.. we change our minds fequently because we are always considering the could be's, wont's and what if's.

I made my mistakes yeah, so have we all

Utan min Kudde hade jag fallit jättehårt. I vintermörkret finns det inget bättre än musik och msn med Kudde för att komma på rätt spår igen. :) Tack för att du finns.
Mitt i alltihopa skickades denna låt. Och jag fick upp ögonen för Simple Plan igen. Jag vet, det är löjlig high school punk rock, romantiskt och så, men jag tycker ändå de är söta. It goes straight to the heart.

"Untitled"

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Now it's up to fate. I leave life to fate for a while cuz I simply can't be bothered with it right now. No wishes, no directions this way or that. i just let go of it all, wherever it goes, fine. cuz it never went where i wanted it too anyways, almost always the other direction yeah. mhm, too tired. exhausted? kinda. something interesting going on? no, just allmänt filosoferande om livets enigma, ambiguities och motsägelser, the wheel of time, och våran egen destruction. cheers.

Samskaric pathways

We are not islands. We are oceans. And some waters are more treacherous than others.
How can we know what we are doing before we are doing it? Aaah.

I like samurai movies, and I love anime. It makes a good combo. :)
And I haven't slept much, and next weekend wont be much sleepy time either.

And dancing is so fun, love you girls. <3

Writing World Lit. It's difficult to get every single detail stuffed into the shit, but I'm doing fine I hope.

"Close your eyes and pretend it's a bad dream, that's how I get by." - Jack Sparrow is giving advice when some people are shocked he's back from the dead.

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

Yogajournal:

Once the samskaric pathways have been set, most people just keep running down them, like rats in a maze, reacting with the same old patterns and feelings every time they find themselves in a situation that seems to mirror whatever the original trigger might have been.

Am I talking to myself? Cause I don't know what I just said.

OK. This must be the most perfect record in like long long long time. SUM 41. Underclass Hero. Download it NOW.
O säger:
it's amazing
O säger:
i love every song, and i mean really every
O säger:
never happened with any album before

and yeah thanks for the comments g. "it is kinda cool that you start liking a mainstream band, but like after everyone else".

Walking Disaster

At the dead-end I begin
To burn a bridge of innocence
Satisfaction guaranteed
A pillow-weight catastrophe

Our own mission nowhere bound
Inhibitions underground
A shallow grave I
Have dug all by myself

And now I've been gone for so long
I can't remember who was wrong
All innocence is long gone
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief
Where I belong

As far as I can tell
It's just voices in my head
Am I talking to myself?
'Cause I don't know what I just said

Count your last blessings

Last call for regrets and defeat
To finish the bottle full of empty dreams
Punch strong head and straight out of line
Another excuse with no alibi
Hitchin' on the road of decline
With no name streets and no vital signs

My own enemy
I don't hear you now
Perfect tragedy
God bless us denial

So long, goodbye

And it's quite alright
And goodbye for now
Just look up to the stars
And believe who you are
Cause it's quite alright
And so long, goodbye

"WITH ME" IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONG LIKE EVER. Och det blir ännu bättre att den är med som sista låten i gossip girl avsnitt sju. När Chuck o Blair have sex in the back of a limo. XD hahaha ÄLSKAR DEN SERIEN!! Den nya O.C. Chuck is sooooooo lovely, love him. Love love love. Hahahaha sorry. This shows just how much I need escape, love escape. LOOOOVE MUSIC.

When you were young

check out the song by The Killers, When you were young...

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You seek forgiveness...

And the rest hasn't come true yet. Wish I was higher now than ever before. :D

Nice pic, huh? :D

Den dumma fjäriln och three black candles

Strindberg poesi:

Solnedgång på havet
Jag ligger på kabelgattet
rökande "Fem blå bröder"
och tänker på intet.

Havet är grönt,
så dunkelt absintgrönt;
det är bittert som chlormagnesium
och saltare än chlornatrium;
det är kyskt som jodkalium;
och glömska, glömska
av stora synder och stora sorger
det ger endast havet,
och absint!

O du gröna absinthav,
o du stilla absintglömska,
döva mina sinnen
och låt mig somna i ro,
som förr jag somnade
över en artikel i
Revue des deux Mondes!

Sverige ligger som en rök,
som röken av en maduro-havanna,
och solen sitter däröver
som en halvsläckt cigarr,
men runt kring horisonten
stå brotten så röda
som bengaliska eldar
och lysa på eländet.

Meeeeep Meeeep. Hehe. absinthe.se

Mer strindberg:


Indiansommar.
Från sjukrummets kloraldoftande kuddar,
mörknade av kvävda suckar
och hittills ohörda hädelser;
från nattduksbordet,
belamrat av medikamentsflaskor,
bönböcker och Heine,
jag stapplade ut på balkongen
för att se på havet.
Svept i min blommiga filt
lät jag oktobersolen skina
på mina gula kinder
och på en flaska absint,
grön som havet,
grön som granriset
på en snöig gata
där ett liktåg gått fram.

Havet låg blickstillt,
och vinden sov --
som om ingenting passerat!
Då kom en fjäril,
en brun otäck fjäril,
som förr varit kålmask
men nu kravlat sig upp
ur en nylagd lövhög,
narrad av solskenet
gubevars!

Skälvande av köld
eller ovana
slog han sig ner
på min blommiga filt.
Och han valde bland rosorna
och anilinsyrenerna
den minsta och fulaste --
hur kan man vara så dum!

När timman var ute
och jag reste mig
för att gå och ta in,
satt han kvar ännu,
den dumma fjäriln.
Han hade uppfyllt sin bestämmelse
och var död,
den dumma djäveln!

Av nån anledning skrattade jag hysteriskt när jag läste den sista dikten, Indiansommar. XD omigad, vet inte varför, kan inte sluta XD

A tarot card reading. Six of wands.. you are on the right path, a beginning of a friendship.. the hanged man.. sacrifice, you have to give up on an old belief, let go, go with the flow, don't force anything, just drop it ok.. the sun.. success, happiness, the radiant light of the sun scorches away all fears and fogs of confusion, blessings, you have reached your goal.. ten of wands.. you're carrying an unnecessary burden, maybe it's time to let go of it and be free, a trial to test you...

All this speak to me and confuse me even more. I know there is something I have to let go of concerning this matter I asked about (no, it's a secret!) And the sun came up when I asked about the future, so that seems promising atleast, I could use some sunshine. And six of wands was a promising start.. not too ambiguous.. the hanged man has a clear message, especially together with the ten of wands, but in the context of the question asked it got me so confused I didn't know what to think of it.. A sacrifice. Something has to go, from one or the other side..

My black halloween candles are lit. Three black candles in the window. Buddha is meditating right beside them, and by his side Shiva, as Nataraja, dances in the wheel of fire. He is the cosmic dancer who keep the constellations moving. And among them all floats the lotuses of rainbow colours with small candles inside them. The stars watch outside the window and I would much rather write fairytales of magic than a stupid labreport.

Spa & beautiful lyrics

Therme i Vals. Train from Zurich to Chur. From Chur to Ilinz. Then bus from Ilinz to Vals. It was beautiful. Refuse to partake in superfluos wordspilling. The mountains can speak for themselves. Varm källa. Svarta granitväggar. Vit badrock. Mjuka tofflor. Schweizisk choklad. Det var himmel.

Men saknade hörlurar till iPoden så kunde inte lyssna på musik.. :( Envy on the coast:

Tell them that she's not scared

I'll hold your tears as a ransom
Within the palm of my hand,
And tell you once again,
Don't tell me that you're scared...

Wake, wake, wake her
From this sea of white linens and
Extract the drugs from her dreams
And sew her seams with delicateness,
'Cause beneath her chest sits the heart that I live for,
You'd kill for,
The angels would die for.
And with a subtle wink and a flutter of wings,
They whispered,
They whispered...

...Because all suffering is sweet to me

You're not supposed to know of this
You're not supposed to feel a thing
But I've seen how they tear you apart
The alcohol recovery
The words that cripple
And whispers that sting

Little boys and girls raise themselves
With tenderness, yeah, and age

She started steps through dreams
And to relatives it seems
That history just hasn't happened yet
You're more than this to me
You're worth more than you can see
I don't care what the books had, girl
You didn't die in vain

I found you hanging on their words
From the noose you let them
Tie around your neck
It took thirteen years for you
But you count the rest of the aches and pains
And medicines mean nothing
If you can't feel your skin

Starving Your Friends

Thanks a lot i've been disadvantaged from the start
he constricted the veins heading straight to my head
rerouted the blood to my heart instead
rerouted the blood to my heart instead

i am brain dead thinking strictly in blues and reds
oh i'm in enough trouble man
oh man i'm in trouble again
cause everyones ears are watching me
and i never ever felt that this would be
anything more then a makeshift personal IV

cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all
you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be
and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard
when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do
i could swear that i don't care
but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through
so look at me
i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true
i'm just like me, i'm just like to me, so who the hell are you?

i'm but a boy just like the rest of these things
[Starving Your Friends Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com]
and i borrow phrases from dusty faded record sleeves
the story is the same i've just personalized the name
but if it's all you need then i'd be more then happy to confess my steam

cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all
you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be
and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard
when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do
i could swear that i don't care
but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through
so look at me
i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true
i'm just like me, i'm just like to me so, who the hell are you?

i know you think you know but these eyelids are in domes
that shut you out from all the things that i don't want you to know
and i refuse to tell you one single secret i own
cause you'll find i'm petrified of your eyes

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do
i could swear that i don't care
but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through
so look at me
i read the book i prayed to god but curse too much to be considered true
i'm just like me, i'm just like to me so, who the hell are you?

Chiodos - I didn't say I was powerful, I said I was a wizard

I'm not the one that you want, i'll only let you down.
and i'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
and you can save it all
i'm just feeling sorry for my

i think it's every time i look into a room
pure silence so sudden but i sooth to hear it

context saying that you are the rain on the parade
and how long could you hang on to a word
tell me how long how could you hang on to a word

i'm not the one that you want; i'll only let you down.
and i'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
and you can save it all
i'm just feeling sorry for myself

but maybe it's all eyes on you; in love with ego and attention
the eyes that are just begging me for more
this is gone and i can see it.
your head is full of words, full of words that don't mean anything

and how long could you hang on to a word
tell me how long could you hang on to a word

Can't tell heads from tails

Voices in my head
I cry, I plead
Why can I never have
the life I try to lead

Trying is all I achieve
I'm stuck, I'm broke
Your poisoning anger
makes me choke...

Beginning of a song I'm writing. As with all my projects, they all end up half-finished.

Broken, unbroken, fixed by a fix
Will ever the world turn right
I can’t even tell heads from tails
And all I see is the endless night

Listening to Madina Lake and Envy on the coast. Envy on the coast = love. Some songs that really get stuck. Mood-fitting. Tell them that she's not scared...

Now I have to start thinking about WL1, and the maths test tomorrow, which I'm probably gonna fail. high five.

And I'll take the truth at any cost

Right now, in my ears: Paramore, Finger Eleven and Ash. Twilight of the Innocents is a really good album. :3 Otherwise I've been writing songs. I don't know what became of them really, I just wrote and sent to the persons they belonged to. "I almost wrote a song about you today, but then I tore it all apart and I threw it away..." Some persons are so easy to write about. Some I realise I don't know well enough to write about. Even though I would want to.

Finger Eleven - Paralyzer

Well I’m not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

Paramore - We are Broken

I am outside,
And I've been waiting for the sun.
With my wide eyes,
I've seen worlds that don't belong.

My mouth is dry,
With words I cannot verbalize.
Tell me why,
We live like this.

Keep me safe inside,
Your arms like towers.
Tower over me, yeah.

'Cause we are broken.
What must we do to restore,
Our innocence,
And all the promise we adored?
Give us life again,
Cause we just wanna be whole.

Lock the doors,
'Cause I'd like to capture this voice.
It came to me tonight,
So everyone will have a choice.

And under red lights,
I'll show myself it wasn't forged.
We're at war,
We live like this...

Tea with Sara

So. Here we are again. Loosing, always loosing. Downloading music to put in our ears, tunes in our heads, words echoing. If I had known what you are all going through, I would hug you hard and never let go. I would do that anyways. Sometimes I think I'm too shy to do that, what if people don't want that hug. Come on, who the fuck doesn't need a hug now and then.. Anyways. Every day is like a piece. A tiny tiny piece of broken glass. Without context, without meaning really. Well there is like a glimmer of meaning in each little piece, those special moments. Like laughing at a really stupid joke between classes. Like listening to a really good song and sing really really loud, not caring what others in the basement might think. Like tea with Sara. I think I'll write a song called Tea with Sara. The sweetest song ever. What would I do without you...

CUTE is what we aim for. <3

Newport Living

And if you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie you don't deserve to have them

The social scene where she gets her fix
Has been broken since '86
Now just look at that social clique
Do you really wanna be a part of it?
Let's not let us forget
Where she gets the habit
She gets the pills from her skills
She gets the skills from the pills
And just look at that clique
Do you really wanna be the star of it?

Lyrical Lies

And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip

And I think what I just wrote is going over my head
I'm stealing lines from myself
And what I said was never said
It's just a lyrical lie
Made up in my mind

I'm the darling dear that should get a grip. And I'm making lyrical lies. Poetry is fun.

Can someone break my glass cube?

Ever had the feeling of beeing prisoner inside a cube of glass? All the walls are glass, the ceiling, the floor, everything around you, and there’s no way out, just solid glass. You are invisible, no one can see you. You beat your fists against the walls, hurl your body into it, every part of your body is working to get out. But your efforts are meaningless, solid flesh beating against blunt glass, smashing, crushing grinding yourself into a bloody mess. Fall exhausted on the transparent floor, slippery of dark red. Couldn’t anyone just come and break it? Break my glass cube! You shout, you scream, you beg, you plead, you cry, your voice turns so course you cough blood. A desert in your throat, grinding away. It’s like offering your heart to someone, painfully tearing it out of your chest, repeatedly offering it, without acceptance, you throw it at the person, and with a loud splash it slides down and ends up on the street. A car passes, blood spurts, and the heart is no more. That is the cube. Isolated, alone, desperate to get out. Can’t somebody just break…

I have seen too many movies
I have read too many books
I’m the kind that sees sun and brings an umbrella
I have been to fortune tellers

Closeness is my greatest addiction. I love booze, true, I can become someone else, someone outside all my ISSUES. Someone happy, someone fun. But closeness beats that, those little moments. Sometimes it seems I have feelings, sometimes it seems I have not. Emptiness is a constantly resurfacing state. Hey there Delilah...

I don't believe in love. I don't know who might be reading this, I just don't, and I don't know if I've ever felt it. I doubt everything. I see signs, I doubt them, I get a hunch, doubt it, nothing happens. Maybe it's fear. Death Cab: Fear is the heart of love, so I never went back..

Times are getting hard. No I wont be a school robot, ken. Will never be like I was once before, everything evolve, change can't be stopped. Today I'm someone, tomorrow a little something else has been added to that, every memomory in our bank adds to who we are. Today, tomorrow, it's all a perspective of time. By the time we get through, the world will never ever be the same.

Discussed urges at english. It was kinda interesting. Rape was one of the manly urges. What if we would say just what we wanted? Do what we wanted. Chaos?

Hello Saferide - Long Lost Penpal Lyrics

Hello
Do you remember me
I am your long lost pen pal
It must have been ten years ago we last wrote
I don't really know what happened
I guess life came in the way
Let me know if you're still alive
Let me know if you ever used that knife or not

Hello
Yes I remember you
I've got a husband and two children now
I work as an accountant and make fairly good money
I still have your letters, you used a pink pen to write them
And you would comfort me
when my tears would stain the ink
And I would send you mix tapes with Kate Bush on

I have to admit I sometimes lied in those letters
Tried to make life better than it was
I still wasn't kissed at sixteen
And I still need a friend

There was this letter
I never told you this back then
But it would be fair to say it saved my life
I sat in the window
The only one left out from a party again
Pretty sure I didn't have a single friend
Then I checked the mailbox

Dear long lost penpal
I was lying the whole time
I'm really a 46 years old man named Luke
I have three children
and a wife, she doesn't care
And I hope you don't resent me
And I hope you do not hate me
For trying to find my way back to what it's like to be young

I have to admit I sometimes lied in those letters
Tried to make life better than it was
I still wasn't kissed at sixteen
And I still need a friend

It's a very beautiful song. That one, Hey there Delilah, 9 crimes, Little Lies, Into the Dark, Amie... all perfect autumn songs, in the beautiful, clear, afternoon sunlight, in the chilly wind and dancing yellow leaves, what brings me sorrow and comfort at the same time, hope and despair...

I'm crying right now. When typing this. I'm just depressed sometimes, that's all. I'm inside a cube. Everyone is standing outside, the sound of faint laughing, they're having fun, they can see me but they think I'm good, they think I'm allright. They don't see the glass, the cube, the prison, and so, they can't break it, break in. They will always be on the other side of the glass. I'm sorry, everyone reading this, no one has ever reached me. Never come all the way. My cube is constant. I've described it as the wall of china once, but no one saw that either. Can't climb, can't break. Will I forever be in this state? I can tell some things, others I can't. Always a matter of how much truth people can take. Some can take more, some can take less. I can hurt badly. I can get badly hurt. I can cause things. Truth. Can end friendships, or cause major harm. And I will probably regret writing this aswell. It's like drunkdialling. You will probably regret it. And writing when you're depressed for no apparent reason... It will probably just be fucked up, it will probably be called silly emo by friends, it will probably just be seen as bullshit. Depression isn't reasonable. Writing is better than cutting atleast. Somewhere out there, there might be someone who understands.

30 seconds to Mars

I'm writing a song. It is a dedicated song, but I don't know. Maybe I'm hallucinating. Tell a tale by a smile, that's what you do.

Anyways. I have loads of inspiration - apart from the oh so very inspiring biology test coming up. I'm in love with my iPod. I know, I have been for a very long time now, but it's really now I've realised how much the music means to me.

Boys Like Girls - Broken Man

I want to scream, until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson
I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep
So I don't have to make a bad impression

I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done
But I guess you were better off without me

I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

Also listening a lot to 30 SECONDS TO MARS, amazingly wonderful. Oblivion especially, and The Kill. Under the burning sun, I take a look around...

Set apart from all the clones

lyssnar på punk rock princess (something corporate) och renegade cavalcade (ash)

Maybe when the room is empty,
Maybe when the bottle's full.
Maybe when the door gets broke down,
Love can break in.

If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your garage band king.
You can tell me why you just dont fit in
And how you're gonna be something

nanana, perfect mood. :) Love it. Loved the party sosso! :) lyckat, trevliga männsikor. Even though I cried in the end (paaaaiiin) I had a great time. Alex, you're the best! :)

And it feels like a dirty dream
Like I'm walking to the guillotine
Feel the voodoo in my brain
Sipping on a hurricane
How's it feel to be a freak?
Oh so pale and so unique
To walk lonely in the rain
Unashamed that we are not the same

How does it feel to be alone?
Set apart from all the clones
We're the ones who can't be tamed
Who go against the grain

We are all looking

Weeii new music to listen to :D:D Boys like girls, 30 seconds to mars, anna ternheim skiva, secondhand serenade och cute is what we aim for :D:D

"Me, You And My Medication" - Boys like Girls

Found my way to the highway, I don't wanna tell you the state I'm in
I've had too much to smoke, too much to drink, where have I been?
I feel like the stars are getting closer and the sky is closing in
And I don't know where to begin

We're all looking for something, to take away the pain

Me, and you, and my medication
(Making the best of it)
Love is just a chemical creation
(Will it be permanent?)
Synthetic sensation
Me, you, and my medication

The way back to the right track, maybe you can help me find the door
Is it too much to ask, too much too fast, too much to ignore?
It feels like your body's getting closer but you seem so far away
Medicine make it ok

We're all looking for someone, to take away the pain

We're all addicted to something, that takes away the pain

All words are worth something...

I feel like Hamlet. I'm neither active nor inactive. Failing to achieve any purpose.

Varför låter jag det gamla komma upp igen? Det var ett år sedan ungefär. varför låter jag det få makt över mig igen, göra mig svag, deprimerad... se det varje dag framför mig, ibland givet hopp, för att krossas lika snabbt. jag är fett korkad, dum i huvet.. jag vill inte att det ska vara så, ibland intalar jag mej att det inte är så, ibland känner jag mej bara galen, ibland undrar jag om det inte bara är my mind playing tricks on me.. sedan finns det andra sidor. vad välja? nej inte så. skiftar från dag till dag. ena dagen upp i solen, andra dagen gömd bakor sopor. fan vad jag har mycket sopor! så jävla mycket skit i huvet. borde rensas bort, bort, bort.. jag gömde mig idag, sen fick jag hopp, sen krossades det som vanligt, sen blev jag neutral.. vad är fel för fan? gissa vad ni vill vad det rör sig om. ingen kommer ändå få veta något som leder åt det ena eller det andra. som jag sagt innan, vissa saker är bara för komplicerade för att få ord. People don't hate history, they hate their own history. det är vad jag har, fancy quotes och tankar. skrivandet tycks långt borta från mig nu, verkar inte röra på sig. så mycket jag, jag, jag överallt att JAG blir galen. utplåna självet, önskar JAG var buddhist. schulman, jag har aldrig läst din blogg, men jag är säker på att vad du än skrev så borde du inte lagt ner din blogg. alla ord är värda att få yttras. även om de orden inte är du, även om orden som inte är du kommer ur din mun, så är de värda att yttras. Yttras, föras vidare genom skrift, tal, fågel, fisk, eller mittemellan, välj själv, ett skepp kommer lastat. Med ord. med många biljontals ord som varje dag förmedlar vad som finns eller inte finns inuti våra förvirrade huvuden. we make up our minds about so many things. about what is beautiful and not, what is important and not, what is love and what it is NOT. who we love and NOT. beginning to sound like a Borat-parrot. sorry. men jag vet inte. vi lever i våra fina ramar, perspektiv på verkligheten, skriver fina bloggar och förmedlar oss så tjusigt. vad kommer det ner till?? slutligen. här är me. meh. ehehe. vi bestämmer var vi sätter punkt eller komma, vad som kan sägas och inte sägas, vad som är andra, vad som är jag. vad som kan publiceras, rubriceras, exponeras, planteras, utvärderas. vi går till skolan, vi går till jobbet, vi går till begravningen. om det inte är vår begravning då vill säga. vad om bitarna däremellan? vad om ord som ingen yttrar, sanning vi aldrig kan nå? varför kan vi inte vara helt och hållet öppna och sanna, undrar hur många hjärnmutationer det skulle finnas då. alla skulle totalt kollapsa i ett hav av sanningar. jag vill göra det. säga allt. jag tror på närhet, jag har upplevt den, söker den ständigt, förlorar den alltid. här är jag och där är du. vi är så jävla separerade att det inte är sant. EXAKT!! det är falkst. och nu fick jag slut på ord, om jag vore en poet, om JAG kunde skriva sonetter flytande (vilket skämt) så skulle jag göra detta till en vacker rapsong, blanda in lite reggae beats, techno pump, akustisk gitarr, spröd gothsång och blanda allt i en härligt eklektisk mix och servera med min favoritchoklad smält ovanpå. jag måste sova nu, och imorgon kommer jag säkert bara tycka att den här texten är sjukt pinsam och radera allting.. om jag orkar dvs. Sagt om IB: jag skulle begå självmord, men jag är för upptagen... that is the truth of today. jag är för upptagen för att skriva sånt här skit, så egentligen har det inte skrivits alls, eller hur? jag har suttit och gjort franskaglosorna hela tiden. inte ett ord om de här orden till någon, förstått?

It could be worse, right?

Heroes: We are the sum of our fears...

Alex Evans is hot. And yes I just wrote so I will get more emo hits at google. If I don't already. I haven't actually tried googling anything concerning my blog.. But since I'm not a sponsor of Google I'm probaby not very high on the list. Heh.

Dedicated to anyone who cares (from Secondhand Serenade - Vulnerable, thanks nis ^^):

Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in
because its cold outside cold outside its cold out side
share with me the secrets that you kept in
because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside

... but mostly I just run away

NOTHING NOBODY RIGHT&WRONGS (FROM TINGSEK)
Taking care of all sorts of things in my way. I'm gonna have to wash all my clothes today. I paid some old bills not seen since I last missed 'em going throught my so called system on & on & on.

Coffee and a cigarette..the finest I could ever get. Just sitting here singing songs about nothing nobody right&wrongs.

I passed on to another room where everything looks different I could use som mild assistance now I forgot about what I was gonna do so help me to express I need to settle & confess. There's so many things I'd like to say but mostly I just run away...then suddenly my truth just lies there. I'm living it again, so definite it always wins so forever lost in everything I always do. I used to be so scared about that too.

Vill de spendera tid med mig? Nej det verkar inte så.
Gillar de mig? Kanske.
Överdriver jag? Kanske.

And you don't know Karate...

>>You like DMD (??), Audrey Hepburn, fangoria (??), Harry Houdini and Cocaine. You can't swim, you can't dance and you don't know karate. Face it! You're never gonna make it!>>
>>I don't wanna make it! I just want...>>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OF9UB_xrhMI

If you ever felt...

ALONE..

REJECTED...

CONFUSED...

LOST...

ANXIOUS...

WRONG...

WRONGED...

UNCLEAN...

ANGRY...

ASHAMED...

CURIOUS...

USED...

Be prepared to feel...

REVENGE

FEEL THE ROMANCE

I just felt so at home. Sorry. Now I'm gonna write something serious. Peter Petrelli came from the future, to give a dying man the chance to see Manhattan from above. He flew.

I don't believe in destiny. I think we want to believe in it cause it feels kinda nice if everything was decided and we just had to follow that, like if we were destined to save the world.. Scary, but still, you know where you belong, where you have to go. Sometimes it's just difficult to decide what to choose, and always looking back, wondering "what if I had chosen that instead.."

Colours and sounds and tastes are only in the mind. Signals interpreted by the brain. What would the world be like for us without our senses? I mean, if colour isn't really colour, it doesn't exist in such, only a signal in our mind, what would an apple look like? No black no white either, would it be like in the Matrix? Just a completely empty space, or non-space, sorry, where nothing existed, not even time and space, just a nothingness?

I love scents. I know I always talk about it, can't help it, it just doesn't cease to amaze me what effect it has on me.

Failing maths and doing good in french. Well my HL subjects are the ones that matter to me. I understand maths, I just hate the time-pressure.

I was supposed to write something I thought about. Yeah. This is kinda like a diary, yeah? But still not, cause I can't really write like everything here. I don't know why, it just feels like if people read it... yeah nevermind.. but it's like there are secret rules, like everyone knows about them, and they state kinda that you can't just say or do whatever. Cause all that will affect the world in some way. So I just can't say whatever I want here. Maybe that would complicate life and relationships in a very unnecessary way. Let's just let things be as they are, right.. I wont mess with it, or you... Promise..

Some things I don't tell anyone. Don't think I can.

At the bottom of a plastic cup

+44 LYRICS

"Baby, Come On"

She's a pretty girl
She's always falling down
And I think I just fell in love with her
But she won't ever remember, remember

And I can always find her
At the bottom of a plastic cup
Drowning in drunk sincerity
A sad and lonely girl

Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on
Isn't there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby

And she said, "I think we're running out of alcohol
Tonight I hate this fucking town
And all my best friends will be the death of me
But they won't ever remember, remember

So please take me far away
Before I melt into the ground
And all my words get used against me"
You sad and lonely girl

Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on
Isn't there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby

Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on
Isn't there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out
Isn't there something familiar about me?
Quit crying your eyes out
The past is only the future with the lights on
So quit crying your eyes out, baby

Opinion column being ugly duckling. Sommetimes I feel. Then I starve. Tired of games. Why don't people ask. Don't you want to come in, come along? Sometimes I don't feel. I just wanna be nice. Want everyone to be happy, if I can make someone happy, that's the best sensation I know. Sometimes there's just too much tramisghet, I mean it's fun and all that, but sometimes it's too much. You need both. You need the fun as much as the closeness you can get in a serious discussion. But sometimes words are just too much. Am I insecure or something? I just wanna hug everyone all the time.

Argh. Scents make me so weak. Knäsvag. Certain scents trigger back memories of feelings. And songs. Certain songs make me relive periods in my life when I listened to that music. Like Regina Spektor and Panic reminds me of when I started PDP. Songs from the O.C remember me of after christmas break. And Want a lover I don't have to love remember me of when I was just really destructive and messed up everything.

To be or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

Skådespelets syfte att spegla samtiden: to hold as 'twere the mirror up to nature; to show virtue her feature, scorn her own image

Omg, omg, heroes is soooo goooooood...

Moments

I saw this sikh at the train station. He looked like some fairytale arabic sultan or something, with a large, purple turban and long, white beard. Strange thing was, when I looked at first, he was just standing there, gazing around, I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I looked again, he was gone. Disappeared in the blink of an eye. A borderline between fairytale and reality. Surely there was some reasonable explanation, but I choose to believe in the more magical one, makes life interesting. There was this other moment, I was biking around in Malmö and went past a church. Outside I saw a bride and her groom, standing there with a priest. Just the three of them, no guests, nothing. And that church is quite big. There I was, turned around, thought it was a kinda private moment. Just an ordinary day for me, a very special for them, and I got a glance into their lives.
First real wushu training today. It's amazing. The sifu is amazing. You are so exhausted after training it's insane. I could barely walk home. As I did walk home, I looked into peoples' eyes. Emptiness. They were like robots walking along. An old couple stopped outside a shop, looked at the chocolates disrtibuted in the window, turned away and continued walking along. Just dull emptiness. Taking their routine walk, at the same time every day. You could see it, like they had scheduled this walk, and just did it for the sake o following ett inrutat schema. Tragiskt hur vissa människor bara ger upp sina ambitioner, ger upp livsglädjen och blir bittra och instängda. Hallå, kom ut lite istället, bjud på er själva! Carpe diem, som ara säger.
Maths is kinda interesting now, cause I like algebra. I'm trying to be positive about it. Was at the economics lesson even though I don't take economics. It wasn't fun. Not my thing. I'm dreams and fairytales, not facts and statistics. I'm probably gonna be one of those eccentric, weird, old ladies with lots of cats, living by themselves, when I grow old. Gonna have like loads of Indian stuff, draperier och kuddar, ljus och rökelse överallt, lotusblommor flytande i stora skålar, mjuka mattor, stora, mysko växter, massa fruktskålar och oljelampor, ljuslyktor i taket, värmeljus överallt. Warm, cuddly and fairytale-like.
I like collecting moments, like watching people and how they behave in different situations, how they expect you to respond. I wish I could put more smiles on peoples' faces. Take away the emptiness, help them fill their lives with meaning.
Mamma o Tore ska skiljas. Det som jag inte kunde säga innan. Men ja. Bäst så antar jag. Såg Tore gråta för första gången någonsin. Tänk er att jag bott med honom i 16 år och inte sett honom gråta någon gång. I alla fall. Var och tränade med mum på gymmet i Y. Nice, nice. Detta var sändagen då alltså. Sen hem till hennes nya lya, ett ställe hon lånar av nån. Jag hade mini-spa med spirulina o rosmarin bad (hehe, alger i badet är fett nice), ansiktsmask och bodyscrub. So härligt. Hade det jättetrevligt med mamma o S senare, käkade lite, satt och pratade ute på den vackra uteplatsen, skrattade tills magen gjorde ont. Det är härliga stunder.
Vill träffa Sara för en fika i veckan, måste ringa.

I wish I could change the ways of the world

Watched some dodgy anime show on tv. "Perfect blue" or something it's called. It was actually good, real good, just confusing, cause she kept waking up in her bed so you didn't know if she had dreamed or no, and then there were like a ghost figure of her running around all the time, psyching her. So you didn't know if she was going insane or what. TV2 had this anime night from like 22.35 - 06.35 or something like that. It was awesome! Haha. Never have anime on regular tv normally. Oh well, pokemon and that stuff. I'd really like them to re-run Sailor Moon, I love that show!
Was at Angel's place first. Met like people from her class. They were nice. So good to seem Matilda and her again, M is like a happy-pill. She has this special talent of making you optimistic, of making you laugh at life. I love her. Really really much. And it feels so bad that we're not as much in touch as we were, and that we're no longer as close as we were, cause that friendship we had was special. Don't think I'll ever have the same again. If you grow up with someone, that is special.
So gotta catch a train home soon, at 10 something, I'm gonna try out Wushu (kung-fu)! I'm excited, what if this is like totally my thing? Can use it as CAS aswell, just have to find the money to pay the term costs. "Find" ehehe.

In my iPod right now is Mika, Lily Allen and Linkin Park.

Mika - Happy Ending

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever,
Then live the rest of our life
But not together.

Wake up in the morning,
Stumble on my life,
Can't get no love,
Without sacrifice.
If anything should happen,
I guess I wish you well,
Hmm a little bit of heaven,
with a little bit of hell.

This is the hardest story,
That I've ever told,
No hope or love or glory,
Happy endings,
Gone, for ever more,
I, feel as if I'm wasting,
And I've, wasted every day.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever,
We live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Two o'clock in the morning,
Something's on my mind,
Can't get no rest,
Keep walking around.
If I pretend that nothing
Ever went wrong,
I can get to my sleep,
I can think that we just carried on.

This is the hardest story,
That I've ever told,
No hope or love or glory,
Happy Endings,
Gone for ever more,
I, feel as if I'm wasting,
And I've, wasted every day.

[Oh I] This is the way you left me,
[Feel as if I'm wasting]I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love no glory,
No happy ending
[And I've] This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever,
[Wasted every day] And live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Little bit o love.

Lily Allen - Everything's just wonderful

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling outta control and it's inevitable,
Now don't you think,
This time is yours, this time is mine,
Its temperamental,
It seems to me, we're on all fours,
Crawling on our knees,
Someone help us please

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
Well it's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

[Chorus]
Oh yeah, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here,
Everything's Just Wonderful
And don't you feel it's all the same,
Some sick game and it's not insincere,
I wish I could change the ways of the world,
Make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay,
Doing what we do
Screwing who we screw

Why can't I sleep at night,
Don't say it's gonna be alright,
I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognaise,
and not feel bad about it for days and days and days.
In the magazines they talk about weight loss,
If I buy those jeans I can look like Kate Moss,
Oh no it's not the life I chose,
But I guess that's the way that things go,

Hiro in New York

Heroes is sooo good. :D Glad att det började på "normal" tv, så jag kan se det. Hiro är bäst! :D Asball. Watching it made me wanna start drawing manga again, cause it's like comics-inspirated.
I don't know what I feel or want. Or think. Feel my fingers typing, moving over the keyboard, seeing the words, know they will be out there, for everyone to read. There was a time when I wanted to hide, I didn't want anyone to notice me, or know me. I became a ghost. Then I got so depressed (understatement) cause of the lack of love and companionship. So I tried another path. I wanted to be loved. By everyone. Be seen and popular and stuff. I messed up, got the wrong kind of attention, it all turned so negative. (Reminded me that I can put up the Sherpa's speech now) Anyways, negative is the keyword. Many still dislike me today for that, everything I've done, and everything that happened. Now I don't know where I stand. I don't want either. I want to write. I want to read. I want to draw.

The Sherpa's speech:
The Earth is moving. Did you feel that? Everything. All the time. Dimensions we can't even see. Everything is evolving. Turtle, you're a dove.
Turtle: That's cool. Can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks.
Eric: You afraid of getting busted?
The Sherpa: Busted? I'm entrusted, man. I don't steal. I heal. We're not getting stoned. We're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of, uh, war. War on drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean, the Man's most positive positive-tive is a nega-tive. It's a mega-nega-tive. Right? [shouts] Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting high. We're not getting fucked down. We're getting fucked up.

Pure love on that one. Nightie, Sherp!

Comme fânent les roses...

Meaning of life. We all make our own life meaningful. By doing things we love, make us feel good, happy, enjoying things, fulfilling. Animals and plants have their meaning programmed into their DNA, they know exactly what their purpose here is, and they fulfill it, every day. Maybe the hidden part, the one we haven't been able to decrypt yet, of our DNA is the humans "meaning of life". We seems to have lost it somewhere in evolution. Or maybe we were given a choice. Choose your own destiny. As I see it, there is no "purpose" to universe, life and everything. It's just a bunch of events, chances taken and chances lost, random, and now we're here. And we're demanding so many answers from outside when we really have them ourselves. If you look at a life. You have so and so much time. Varsågod. Do what you want with it. Onlly you yourself who can decide how you want to spend that time, purpose or not. That is the meaning. You choose your own meaning. Living realising this, or living, thinking you are "forced" to do stuff cause someone told you to do it, or every one else does it, why should I be different. Conscious choosing. Everything you do and say affect your surroundings. We go around thinking we are meaningless, what we do doesn't make any difference in the large sense, we can't affect the world. It does all the difference! Cause if you start thinking, then others might start thinking, and we're on the way to solving our environmental problems or finding a sustainable way to make poverty history. Make your choices. Live.

Go around, seeking happiness, buying new things, getting another job, moving to a new apartment. True happiness lies in making other people happy.

Quelqu'un M'a Dit - Carla Bruni

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors ?