Don't have any internet 20:59

Help me!! I have internet abstinence!! can't blog, can't put up pics, can't do anything -
right now im on a shitty internet café and i see the clock ticking away 31:27
this is fucking bullshit, that our fucking internet company cant fix our internet until another loooong week -
i miss my online life!!
it was one of my brilliant escapes and now i dont have it and im panicking about it. feeling a part of me is missing -
talking about closeness, it's so different. stayed out all day. im less at home when i dont have internet. interact more with people. and also sometimes study more. not right now but. talking about closeness, it's different.
who would know i was so addicted.
one thing that bothers me right now except the 29:26 -
is the smell. why fucking hell do i sweat like an elephant when i have my period?!?! what's the fucking use, GOSH. i dont care if this is a minor problem -
and i found out more about a certain person, that was very very interesting i must say. such a messy personality. and i just wanna mend it. band-aids galore. -
hey, start a fight! live a little.
thinking about that tattoo. and closeness.
Is there anyone out there who wish to confess their loneliness?
or is it just my immaturity that causes me to be such an exhibitionist and just flake all my insides open firt chance i get?
IM PLAYIN WITH U GUYS.
guess what. nah, i wont tell you the truth unless you ask me haha.
this is just irritating as hell 26:36 GOSH GOSH. time limit sucks u know.
nerd heaven 2night. am i comin home 2night?
and yes, hardstyle makes me bad.
or atleast shake with insane drug craving.
haha, almost as if im having withdrawal symptoms altho ive been clean for 3 months SUCKY 24:35
and yeah soon i'll have to go back to schuuul.
don't see the point
since i learn much more on my own and when i can do what i want
feels kinda pointless sometimes ya know. when you have to listen to stuff that doesn't give you shit. i can pass without those classes. i can ace my exams without that stupid drone. 22:40
Let the music set you free.
Another thing i hate (realised ive been writing about hate alot but yes it is a necessary thing you know, hate some more in order to love some more) is conservatism. when you have to do stuff just because it's a principle.
hello, think outside your brain please.
i'll stop now. need something more to write about. 21:18

All these things we don't appreciate

I know I lack in evaluation of arguments but how on fucking earth are you supposed to fit it in on one page with all arguments and fucking counter-arguments?!?!
go fuck yourselves.
Beijing Doll - inspirational reading. im so alike her on so many points. the constant loneliness, the hole that cant be filled. the reading, the writing. the worrying about not being able to live on writing.
the estrangement, the tiredness, the apathy. the reluctance to get out of bed to face a new day.
what we don't have in common is her networking, she knows a lot of "cool" bandmembers and journalists, writes articles for magazines, interview bands, go to concerts almost every week, has a lot of love-affairs...
i'd love to be like that, only, don't see the possibility. guess it's a chinese thing.

Saw Wall-E the other day. kinda epic. probably what the earth and humans will look like in the future. and isn't he just the cutest ever?! adorable personality.
All these things we don't appreciate. The things we miss when they're gone. wrote about it. maybe post it on the poetryblog when i finally get it up.
since my internet is still fucked over, i just get my quality minutes hijacking friends' computers (im sorry stina!)

my body moving like the tide to an ancient beat
the fire inside, the waves and the ocean
the endless grey shores and dramatic skies
the star-strewn night, and infinte universe
the trodden paths through green hills,
the grass growing high, the cattle grazing
picking summer flowers and chasing the winds
looking around, feeling the solitude
like a never-failing companion,
someone
who is always there by your side
to kiss your face in the rain, to comfort you
in the storm, to hold you in the cold nights
to be with you even when you're surrounded by people

we live our lives so alone. no matter who you have around you in your life. and that feeling will never go away. doesnt matter how much we try to fight it.
it will be there. in the dead of night. when you wake up. (what's the first thing you think of?) throughout the day. when you go to sleep.
moving. changing. i keep seeing the never-ceasing waves of the ocean, a tide doomed to go on forever, washing and washing over you until you get the fucking point.
most never get the point though. despite all the repetition. guess they're just stupid.

it's like islands of company in an ocean of loneliness, and all the islands are still slightly under the surface...

people who can't say their opinion openly to your face is just despicable. what do they think they are anyway. fucking pussies. i get the point ok?! Suicide is selfish blablabla, emos only think of themselves, blablabla. you don't know a fucking thing about it do you.
i think suicide is brave. will always think so. and both admire and pity it. in the end it's neither good nor bad, it just is. like all things.
JUST IS. nothing more or less to it. then we stupid humans came along and made it all so fucking complicated.
cuz we can never let things be as they are. we have this need for changing things to our will.
what's fun with just watching you know.

morality is an assohole. morality can go fuck itself. as i said, there is nothing good or bad. it's all just a grey-zone and we decide to make it good or bad.
having a choice matters.

there's just those days when nothing is fun.
they just hang there like a limp dick.
no fun. no inspiration. just apathy.
those are the days you write shitty poems.
those are the days you eat more than you should.
those are the days you hate yourself.
and everything else around you.
they just are. a slow passage of time.
closing your eyes and letting it pass.
when all the musts and shoulds feel heavier than usual
and angst compress your chest until its impossible to do anything
because if you do something, you feel so useless because you should really be doing something else.
and two voices in your head.
it's just a "fuck this" kinda scenario isnt it.

we don't know the reason for the flowing of the river. is there such a thing as making a difference?
because that's what i wanna do. help people, inspire people.
it's incredible how a person who has had so much trouble with self-hate can give so much love to others.
i can feel it. i just wanna pour love on people. might sound weird or whatever.
or i think that's what i wanted to do. now i dont know anymore. cuz people often dont want it.
a treasure you have to discover for yourself, im not advertising. guess thats why im bad at networking too.
works like a mirror.

Mess up my bed, with me

...kick off the covers, I'm waiting ;D

This town is no different from the others.
They smell prey fifty miles wide. And they scream and scare.
the cold hollow laughs piercing every inch, and
it's meant to hurt
The desperation and the fake
the insecurity and the tease
The alcoholic breaths and the loneliness
it's all the same
They're out there in the night, wanting more
Lovers killed when they sit down
it's all the same

there i was, walking peacefully to the bus, music in my ears. late, almost midnight, and some boys pass by in a car, didn't hear them coming for the music.
and they shout "AKTA!!" - my blood turns to ice, scared the shit outta me. jumped a meter. why?! what was the fucking point?!
i wasnt in the way or anything, there wasnt anything to watch out for, but they got a really good laugh i suppose.
that's when i went boiling with hatred to the bus, cursing alcohol and its effect on people, and cursing everyone who has ever given me a hard time.
i used to be that little scared kid. the geek in the corner, the one who everyone jeered and sneered at. the one who didn't belong.
that's why it hurts so much when people bring out that little girl in me. when they set themselves as Superior and make me feel worth shit.
like with people who think they're better than everyone else cuz they go out party all weekend.
The Popular Kids.

i would rather be myself, however alone and miserable, than be some fake trying to fit in.
not even club kids are innovative. i say, bring the clubs of tokyo here, bring the coolness. im tired of the scared deer-eyes, the blonde extensions and the mini-dresses. get a fucking sense of fashion, please. everywhere it's all the same.
it's not enough with popular people being clones in school, the nightclubs are full of clones too.

walk a different path, of loud music blasting your eardrums
in the hood and in the flow
walk past those insecurities, those opening nights
they doesn't mean shit anyway
the plattitude of popularity
got wrapped in singularity
one for all, all for one, we all look the same
back down, take in the perspective
there is only one word for people like you - LAME
or tame, or "you should feel shame"
what happened to individuality and sticking up for yourself?
guess it got lost on the way
to stardom

really, i should be an actress. play so many parts so really well.
walking there, staring at you. not hearing a word of your meaningless smalltalk. (because of the music)
the emo stare, the dead eyes, the "fuck you" kinda look
switching over, porn star wannabe
the sexual connotations and horniness
of course, all delivered with extreme self irony
switching over, smart geek
know so many answers
and can't stop talking about
last nights anime show
switching over, dutiful daughter
being good and dutiful, not mentioning
the drugs or the alcohol
not a word of passing out
switching over, wanting to belong
following, tailing like a love-sick puppy
trying and trying so hard
to get in
switching over...

there's a time and place for most parts of ourselves.

mess up my bed with me, kick off the covers, im waiting...

hypocrisy just got a new meaning. stop trying to force anything, it only brings pathteticness over the threshold. oh wait, patheticness was already one of your patrons...
quit making a scene. instead, rock the fucking scene!
it's the choices that make us who we are.

dont you believe that you've been decieved. for what you're really thinking of.
with quiet words.
i actually dropped the key to my heart. guess no one will find it now.

images scar my mind. i wanna burn those pictures and photographs. if life had background music...

save me from myself.

Cuz everyone deserves the flames

Life is not a chocolate box - it's a fucking piñata!

Aphorisms always degrade themselves to plattitudes. And the villain always gets the girl. Don't you want a happy ending?

Epileptic spasms. Coffee hyper. Contrasting feelings compressing my chest. Easier said than done with the bending but not breaking. Always have to be active and achieve to avoid the bad feelings. Just want people to like me.

Straw Dog - Something Corporate

Staring into the intersection
She thinks that she can fly and she might
Holding on in a new direction
She’s gonna try it tonight
The closer I get to feeling
The further that I’m feeling from alright
The more I step into the sun
The more I step out of the light

Jessica is covered in a blanket
On a sunday porch
Thinking on the weekends
She would party in the city
She doesn’t have a flame
She’d prefer to burn out
Like a torch
If she gets nowhere in life
At least she knows she’s pretty

She says
Hey now the straw dog’s out in the street
Hey now there’s chemicals in the clouds
Hey now they’re calling all the police
But they wont get to us anyhow

The moon is shining now
And shadows are what’s left of all the noise
Simple silhouettes and cut outs
As if we had a choice
He listens closely now
Swears that he can hear a voice
That’s calling him

And saying

Hey now the straw dog’s out in the street
Hey now there’s chemicals in the clouds
Hey now there calling all the police
But they wont get to us anyhow... no

What does it take to be a super hero in my world
Make no mistake that these villains always get the girl
We can escape and then we’d skate away from all of this
But no one ever does

Today I had two fears. Fear when I realized how close the future really is. Where will I be?! And.
Have I lost myself?!
Can't even see where I'm going.

How influenced are we really by people in our vicinity?
People I spend alot of time with color me. Sometimes. Paints me blue or pink or black. Or sunshine yellow.
Some days are worth everything. Even if thoughts in a compulsive manner revolves around the same thing.

I want brain craze. Do the things I'm not supposed to. Narcissistic drama queen.
Love to be crazy. Which tend to scare away most people.

Oh, as a by the way, I found the graveyard I woke up in once upon a time, by the way.

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagerism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion

When you're gone, would you even turn to say...

Yes, this party's rockin'

so what was the fucking point. hate when everyone keeps telling me im good at stuff cuz im not. yet another failure loaded to the pile. yet another fit of self-sorry rage. yet another spell of bad bad ideas and self-destruction.

that thought resurfaces again. what is the fucking point. why am i here. cant i just go. leave all this bullshit crap and do what i really want to do. its not impossible. whats the fucking point of staying fucking here.

all the cute candyfloss sugary fluffiness of the weekend is gone in a second. open the mailbox and kaboom. telling you, email is deadly. ARGH!! i just wanna shout and scream and be as dramatic and violent as i can, but instead i just sit here staring in apathy at the screen thinking "im not good for anything, i suck, im retarded".

"Unfortunately" well dont be sorry, i suck anyway. so much for encouragement. im one of the few who actually intuitively liked the subject from the beginning. well i fucking dont anymore, i hate it. hate is a strong word, but i really really dont like it. you know what i like? FREEDOM TO WRITE WHATEVER I WANT HOWEVER I WANT. guess that doesn't work does it. i can't express myself in a fucking box. words for me is like a waterfall.

it doesnt help that im this upset about it all, makes me feel even more retarded. den som ger sig in i leken får leken tåla. been told that since kindergarten, woah, we teach our kids some really good values dont we. does it help the confusion? does it help the pain? i dont bloody think so.

Right now everything is just SHIT. one little thing just crashes and everything else crashes with it. i lied down in my bed, bundled up like a hurt little kitten and just let everything fall on top of me, the worthlessness of existence crushing my head like a cockroach. why cant i be the top of the class? why cant i at least be successful? or popular? or pretty? or anything special. the fear of mediocre got me trapped in a noose and im slipping off the chair. why cant i be anything that proves im good enough? that my existence is worth something.

i dont wanna learn the lesson of loving yourself, of being able to exist without having to perform, to do, to be something. i want to perform, and i want to be the best. conflicting between duty and pleasure, what i find pleasurable in this world is what im good at. really, i should dedicate my days to writing, and practicing it and trying to get something published. duty is the rest of "schooling" im never fucking gonna use. i dont need it, but still i have a need to be good at it, to perform and get top grades, even if the subject bores me to death. so when i dont get good grades, i hate myself for not performing good enough.

every day, i wanna see my dream. future-scared and (a)pathetic, good thing i didnt fucking do something stupid. so tired of myself i could barf. and here it is, the barfing. drowning in vomit. im gonna go pretend-commit-suicide. my favourite game of all.

Yes - LMFAO

Every time I dive in my pool
It's hard to be humble
When I do the breaststroke through an underground tunnel
And come up on the other side in a Jacuzzi
Being greeted by two naked models with suds on their booties

They give me hugs and lots of kisses
And they ask me what my wish is
I say go and call your bitches cause there's gonna be a party
Then they wash my body as a team
And they say "Fool, your royal penis is clean!"

And I'm like
[chorus]
Yes, this song is poppin'
Yes, this party's rockin'
Yes, the cutie's shockin'
Yes and there ain't no stopppin'
[repeat]

Yes
I get to dancing as I
Walk through my mansion 'cause I
Own property from the Hamptons to California and I
Sip from my water fountain that spits soda
Look out the window and wave at my next door neighbor Oprah
I check to see how my album's doing today
The group LMFAO goes double platinum HEY!

I got a party, man
That's how I live
So I take an elevator from the club in my crib

[chorus x4]
Every day I see my dream
Every day I see my-every day I see my dream
Every day I see my dream
Ev-ev-every day I see my dream
Every day I see my every day I see my dream
[repeat]

Kiss under the moonlight

Yes, I'm obsessed with forgiveness. Two deep-talks today actually made me more centered, made me realize things. As I always do when I have to talk about it.

"True, deep forgiveness accesses the recognition that all humans, however terrible or hurtful their actions, exist with basic goodness. This realization can transcend into an acknowledgement that we are all intertwined as part of a greater whole, and when we forgive someone else we are forgiving another part of ourselves." (yogajournal)

our repetitive existence is like breathing in the air we just breathed out. the pain that gives birth to poetry. truly good poetry has its most fertile soil in angst.
the eternal questions of human existence. processed over and over.

"att känna hjärtat svälta i ensamhet"
"den väg du går allena för bort från dig själv"

every great author has explored the questions and not gotten any closer to an answer. cynical humor, despair, rage, acceptance, all of them are shields, a curtain covering what it really is. a way to deal with it. It's all the same. so what's the point of joining this parade? what can i contribute that not everyone already has thought, said and done?

take me to the top tonight, make your body mine. hardstyle makes my entire body vibrate with pleasure. pleasure by association. and i feel that insatiable hunger... i almost contacted a contact. to satisfy. and then there's that too. and should i do it? i dont know, should i? back to the first thing: i need it. beautiful dreams.

today was like a year. not that it was long and boring, but alot happened, i talked to alot of people, thought of alot of stuff... and it was just a normal school-day. think. ba-da-da-pa-da I'm lovin it. ;)

Jaded and bored, always looking for more

Next big fix I know. Show me something, that's extraordinary.
still enjoying the perfect moments of insanity. like today with magda. which reminds me of the times w n. we were little kids in the sunshine, running around being freaky, mad and high on sunshine, sugar and eachother. such freedom.

I love Youtube. can find anything you might need for the moment; a laugh, inspiration, emo-porn, anime, Ika i rutan, sponge bob, haute couture, mock someone, tears, schnappi, pingu, awesome music, Free hugs campaign (people who haven't seen it, see it now, puts a smile on your face and hope in your hearts. just re-discovered it, that's why), KATIE!! ...

comatose-kisses. im actually alert and motivated at lessons! woho. i was even really upset when i forgot to take my math books with me so that i couldn't work at home. (not so excited when i actually got around to doing the maths). I found Copeland!

the undulating ocean of mental mentality keeps me blacklisted and backtracked in associates associations. juxtaposed feelings radiating ideas of despair.

how something can come back so suddenly when you thought it was all gone. it's weird, those moments. flashes, gushes, re-opening of wounds. and yes im sorry i backtrack and rewind. just keep on talking to imaginary friends instead, playing a sorrow-free game introverted and gone for the world. listening for your voice.

a chameleon: if someone is funny, im funny. if someone is friendly, im friendly. if someone dislikes me, i dislike them. if they forgive, i forgive. if they talk, i talk. if they make contact, i make contact. the ways of the wandering mind.
the beat goes on.
pin your wings.
crack a kinderegg.

skull breaking in half from trying to figure this or that, what's the point if it leads me in circles. just drop that shit. shit. smash. when i go out. heart in hand, come back running. wheezing, cold lungs, short spastic breaths. the concept of things doesn't matter, do they. in reality, it's different. trying to break all the cages of existence, to get somewhere, to stand out and be special, do something extraordinary, to write a novel with plot spiraled like DNA, with non-existent time, to change the world. in aspiring to be a ground-breaker, im afraid i'll only just break more ground beneath my feet than has already been done. just have to accept the state of things, wouldn't do to have the quivers and panic now would it. besides, what can i do, will people to act? light a candle and pray? go to sleep? take something?

how long for hateful eyes to glisten once again...