And I know that it's a wonderful world

Like yesterday. Yesterday was a wonderful world. Laughing for no reason at all (well..) I didn't want to fall asleep. So I let my mind run away.
I don't have any problems with hobo-style, although it gets a tad cold during the winters. Funny shit went down. Riding. Alone. Somewhere. The banapple dance. She's on fire! And probably a thousand "That's what she said!". Yeah, good time.
And tonight too. Chinese bday dinner, then Retro (So tough! So cute! - postpunk club, free entrance) then Crown. Major ass-shake. And I love my new black jeans.
And I love The White Tie Affair. For some reason.

Breakfast at EH rocks, random sunglasses for 20kr rocks, Ice Tea rocks, black jeans rocks, random nights rock, candy shower gel rocks and I know that it's a wonderful world. All the small addictions. Tränigsvärk är awesome. And thinking when under the influence of stuff is hilarious. Following a thought bounce around and loose its way. I think I need to sleep now, but I can't really be bothered. My eyelids are kinda heavy...
And I think I finally stopped caring about those people who don't deserve it, because I realized there are others to care about who deserve it better. If that makes sense. I still have a smile on my face, and I'm so silly when I look in a mirror. And I know that it's a wonderful world. And I thought about that post I wrote once, where I talked about happiness. And I realized, I have been feeling a lot lately. Good, bad, up, down - and I love it all. The numbness has faded temporarily. At least I hope so. It's wonderful feeling the misery aching in your chest, just lying back in your bed and savouring it, feeling the release of the tears. And it's wonderful laughing and laughing until you can't breathe, the bubbly happiness overflowing, like floating on champagne. The contrast. I don't know what this blog post is about, but i know that it's a wonderful world.

Keep pretending the sun will not rise

Give me a neverending night. The pretty lights of the city are turned on. You allow yourself to drop all the chores and all the homework and just sink back into your bed. Wrap yourself tightly in a blanket and watch the candles flicker in the dark room. Grasp for your iPod and listen to some melancholic acoustic song that makes your heart shiver while staring at the moving shadows in the ceiling. Looking out the window at the pretty lights of a city at night, wondering what is happening out there. How many are laughing? How many are crying? How many are sleeping? Just lying there, with the sad music in your ears and all the big thoughts in your head, you feel the tears slowly trickling down your cheeks, staring at the shadows in the ceiling. Give a neverending night. Let the world just stop. Stop at night. A lonely night with tears. Forever. I have grown so fond of these wonderful moments that it has become the highlight of my day. Now that Sara temporarily shares my bed, I miss them really much. There is no space to curl into a ball, and if I cried she would only ask what the matter with me is. There is no matter. It is just comforting to cry and hug your teddybear now and again. And think those thoughts that make your insides heave and your heart shiver. Yes, let it be night, let me just lie here and rest forever. These are the moments I love above all the others.

There are two experiences I wish I had. One is a UK high school. Inspiration: Yellowcard music. Ocean Avenue. Skating around with my emo/skater friends, lounging around at school, me and my emo crew. We would skip school and skate around town, smoke, laugh and eat jelly beans. Go to concerts, make trips to London and sometimes to the coast. Be outcasts at school but play pranks at the supposedly cool clique, harrass the chavs and laugh at the preps. Have crazy basement parties and cozy movie nights. We would be young and stupid but we knew we would always belong together. I guess you could call it a UK high school emo clique experience.
The other experience I would love to have is a US high school. Like One Tree Hill. And I would be Peyton. The alternative cheerleader who believes more in art and music than in stupid cheers.

But I will never have those experiences and thus I am left to fantasy. When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by...

If you tell me I am out of line...

... I just tell you to fuck off. Hard.

Crazy things I've done lately:
- smoke up b4 school - hilarious
- make orange juice in a toilet (at school, 100% concentrate)
- plant candy (inspiration: Plant-Turk from scrubs - youtube it)
- break the iGod (chatbot God got an identity crisis)
- smoke up after school - love it

- eat pasta in the middle of the night: the pasta-cooking vampire

- watch a rad movie about shit-caretaker Kenny (no, it's not a joke)
- tequila + banan + povel ramel = askalas
- crazy clubbing - piece of me was the best on the dancefloor
- kebab + efterfest + guitar hero III i en ashärlig lägenhet, så sjukt schtek
- sex with a random hot brat.. Since we're talkin britney: Ooops I did it again...
- walk home 9 in the morning with almost no clothes in the fucking cold
- shopping at Apoteket

Why do you think it's called a party?

'Cause all they want is a girl who
Parties hard and doesn’t bother to argue,
And nobody's worse for the wear -
Everybody's cool with the “I don't care”

She tunes it all out, but the fact remains
That all they do is talk about the future
Like there's someway to control it
Why not just enjoy the ride?

She said, “If this is the nightlife, I’d rather stay in
You call this a good time; I just call it a trend
If this is as good as it gets, then I’m packing up my shit and I’m gone,"
(And I’m not coming back)

The Pink Spiders. Also listening to right now: Breathe Carolina, Brokencyde, and Kill Paradise. Music does that. Thought about that today, my headphones snaking into my ears are like oxygen tubes to the comatose patient. Me without music is like a styckmördare utan frys.

"Because deep down every human knows that the best thing about us hairless monkeys is our will to team up and do things together. Gathering a crowd might not always make things easier but it's a water proof guarantee for more fun and a better show. " - Believe it or not, it's a text from a commercial for brand clothing. And I thought about that today too. It was so good to meet C again.

Hope you like your pictures facing down. Taking all your memories off the shelf. Anybody else, take a look at me and see what you want to see. I thought it didn't matter, but then I started thinking about if a fall from 5 meter would not be able to do the job. If it would only paralyze me it would be no fun. And right now I just need the music. To tear my insides out.

You stop and turn and grab your bags

One person dies every ten seconds.

Thank god for night open McDonald's. Saved my life. Why isn't there any night open places? What if you find yourself stuck in a town and unable to get anywhere and with too little cash to take in on a hostel or smth like that? It isn't only drunks and bums who need someplace to warm their asses in the middle of the night.

Coffee dehydration is bad. And not sleeping is bad. One person dies every ten seconds.

There is so much going on in people's lives that you aren't even aware of. Even if you call yourself their friend. There is so much happening inside a head. So much you miss if you close your eyes for a second. There is always stories you can hear later, or tell. But it's not the same thing. Wanting to be part of someone's life and not being a part sucks more than anything I know. That feeling of uselessness, of unwantedness, of rejection.

So much happens, and there is change with every experience. And maybe tomorrow you won't know who I am anymore.

One person dies every ten seconds. I bet a thousand that that person died because of loneliness.

To late, I'm sure and lonely
It's another night, another dream wasted on you

Burn After Reading

LAST DAY AT UPPCON! Oh n0es =(
We went up early since the closing ceremony would be at 1330 and we wanted good seats. So we were there 1200. Without breakfast. Queued. KöCon. The closing ceremony would have sucked if it wasn't for J, the cute host who kept making lame cute jokes. Like "ja, om jag hade suttit på en stol hade jag också blivit avblåst nu". Then KöCon again to get to the escalators. It felt really sad that we had to leave and that it was over. Especially since right now we're listening to fucking Hallelujah by Rufus. So many great memories. Anyway, after a quick escalator ride we were outside, walking away, looking over our shoulders and almost crying a little (I'm spicing it up a little, wasn't really like that). We went to BK and ate, fuck that felt good since I hadn't eaten all day, and I went up at 1000 and then it was like 1500. Then Micci and Zaz left for the station and we went home.
Now we're gonna watch movies and scrubs. And be silly.
Tomorrow I'll finish homework stuff while Kudds is in school, and then we're gonna watch Yes Man (after so much redbull drinking we figured we just have to) and later go into Stockholm central to spend a crazy fucked up night there just because there are no trains from Uppsala to Sthlm so early in the morning and Kudds keeps bugging me that it was really retarded to get a ticket that time, but wtf I got it for 25kr so who cares?!?!

Scrubs is so funny and i never noticed. Also, Burn After Reading is a fucking random movie, but I loved Brad Pitt's character in it, especially the silly dance he does. Funny. And the title rocks. That is what you should do with this blog too. Burn it after reading. All this week, I just realized, I've laughed more than I've done in a really really long time. And even if stupid thoughts are there now and then, they're kinda easier to cope with. It just feels amazing to laugh this much.

Mars Turned Into Light Bulbs

UppCon Day 2
Craziness! Fucking craziness. Waking up after a loooong night with Scrubs, Jim Carrey, Gandalf, Champagne and cider. Awesome music (seriously, spotify is the shit!), brat dancing, "smack the money maker" and laughing our asses off!! Shiiiet, I wanna be here forever. My hair looked amazing after two days of intensive hair spray care, oh baby so scene. Today I had my Yuna from FFX-2 outfit! So much positive response! More than 6 people came up to me and wanted to take my picture, and I wasn't even in the cosplay competition! Seriously, my outfit is kinda basic... I'm gonna wash my hair now though, and also put on the superlong red braid tomorrow. But anyways, the day started with H&M and Ica. Then off to an 8bit concert at 1500, a japanese band called YMCK. So cute! And so funny! They had made their own nintendo game which conisted of bouncing an onion on your head until you got it to the giant pot. I laughed so hard I cried. Only in Japan they make games like that. Someone from the audience got up on stage and tried it. The band members were really cute, although the music got a little repetitive at times. After that, we went around, drinking energy drinks, and went for food on Subway. Later, it was time to occupy seats in the great hall since it was gonna be so crammed once the Cosplay competition started, and we wanted good seats. Were there an hour in advance, which payed off. Time went fast anyway, since we played games: telling a story (everyone who has heard of Basshunter and the cow know how crazy this can get) about Mars turning into light bulbs on vacation with Earth and a salty prawn, and chestnut trees falling on people who climb the drawers of their grandmas, and a cat out walking his fishes. Then a word game, which resulted in Kudds looking really gay saying stuff like "lavendel" and "alfapet" and me teasing him with "antagonist" och "idiot" och Micci looking really sexistic with "incest" and "smisk". This eventually resulted in a yaoi fantasy involving Johnny Depp and Ola Salo and a leather whip on a paradise island in the Bahamas. Don't ask. Laughed our asses off. This was almost the funniest part of the whole day. Then came the cosplay competition - nothing too funny, I actually liked Kodachicon's much better. But some were really good. A loooot of yaoi though, too much. And it was so transparent, they only did it to get votes cause all the crazy fangirls went SWOOOON. After that, we wanted to Karaoke, but the room was constantly crammed so no thanks. We went to the Sarz room instead, playing weird games like "Smack The Monkey", "Kablammo" and "Spökspelet". Smack the monkey was just fucked up since I didn't get it all (didn't try honestly) and just fooled around throwing cards here and there and laughing uncontrollably, especially at the stupid Pelican that bothered Zaz, soo funny xD Kudds got kinda annoyed I think, but I couldn't help it, superhyper. Then Kablammo, a revolver game that I actually got and that actually was fun. But not as fun as the highlight - Spökspelet!!! Seriously the best game ever! So simple, yet so entertaining. Want that game! The ghosts ate the pieces, and then you could switch places on both ghosts and markers so no one had a clue who's piece was where and who was winning. Hysterical laughter. After that, a quick toilet stop where apparently a certain person ran for it. Pathetic. Then Micci and Kudds tried some dance game, kinda fun and the person who ran before came up to me. Wtf. Anyway. Went around, drank energy drinks and coke, more people who wanted pictures, then off to play Dead or Alive 4. Micci pwned, which was kinda surprising. But it was fun. Clock was like 0116, and I was getting slightly tired. Played a card game then me and Kudds went home and here we are blogging like the blogwhores we are. It was a supernice day!! And I just realized what a fucking amazing week it has been and still is...

Born For This

UppCon - Day 1.

Ok, doughing at home for like forever. Styling, selecting outfit, listening to music. Then deciding to go in since my sis and Micci already were there. At about 1600 we were there, still a queue outside even if they opened like 1200! Amazing. Munching candy in the que, checking out the supercool people everywhere, complaining about the cold, then finally we get in and get our wristbands. Walk around the place, and I'm telling you, it was fucking awesome!! Such a nice place, so cool, an interior of black, red and glass. Futuristic. Fucking red carpet escalators for three floors. And crammed with ubercool geeks dressed like something taken straight from Takeshita Dori in Harajuku, Tokyo. Some japanese dude from the Japanese embassy in Stockholm were there on the opening ceremony, and he actually said that - "It feels like I am in Tokyo, and it's so amazing seeing all these young people dressed like Japanese teenagers, like people from Harajuku in Tokyo. It feels like I'm in the middle of Tokyo." Everyone cheered like hell, that was the best compliment they could ever have gotten. But before the ceremony we played cards, and Micci and I tried to get hugs from the free hugs people but we chose a bad moment since they had apparently met someone they knew and were there talking with them. And we stood there like morons, it looked like we were cchecking them out or something. We felt really stupid. I love that girl btw!! So amazingly funny!! Love her!! We also played DoA, fucking rocks. But I got kinda owned (although i pwned later when we had a spontaneous DoA tournament with some pro's we met. The thing is, me and Kudds can't really play, we just rape the controls, these guys actually knew the commands, and even so, I won alot! Funnyfun!!) . Then opening ceremony, and right after, Machine Supremacy. Fucking awesome band!! I loved them, although it was superlame sitting down on a concert (couldn't stand, it was like a theater). Headbanged and was so speeded on Burn that I jumped up and down in my seat and shook like a maniac. Hyper as hell. I went around the place with my cool new Wayfarers that I bought at T-shirt store in Stockholm, soooo hot! In a place that crowded, it felt really good having those to hide behind, felt like I had a little more privacy. Stockholm was great btw, love that city! And missed it like hell! I know the whole fucking place inside-out which is really great cause you can just take spontaneous walks and know where all the good places are. Read the Nöjesguide; so many cool bars I wanna go to! Like rock bar Sin City. Ok, back to UppCon - So many hot guys there! Omg. Emo-invasion, love it. Watched a Lolita-fashion show, but it wasn't anything special. The speedmeeting was too crammed to get in, which sucked ass because we were so pepp to meet people. So we went home, kinda satiated with the day. Five energy drinks, one coke and one jolt coke in the stomach and no food. Hyper! Love it, it's festival-feeling. Although on festivals it's booze you drink. Now we're gonna drink champagne and watch movies all night, this is beyond well-being, I could do this all my life, festivals and convents!!

Something that bothers me terribly is this:

WHY CAN'T A GIRL AND A BOY JUST BE FRIENDS? WHAT ARE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM YOU FUCKING RETARDS, THERE'S IS NOTHING BETWEEN US! NOTHING! WE ARE JUST REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. Everyone thought we were a couple, everyone of Kudds friends, even his parents, think we are. Come on guys! Then Kudds said that: "well it's not very usual that a girl and a boy is just good friends", I countered with "Well for me it is!" and he goes "well you're different". I get that comment alot, and I love it!

Jack Bauer is cool

Alltså jevla fiskrövs-drickande busshelvetes-chaufför! Ser jag inte ut att va sexton va? En såndär söt liten sak? Inte? Well fuck you too fucking fiskrövs-chaufför! Go home and make sweet love to your obese wife!

Saw two really good movies today. The day the earht stood still, containing a lot of thought food, and a lot of wisdom. And I even cried in one scene, where the little boy is sitting by his fathers grave. And it made me think of what I came to realize last year; that fear provoking fear is the basis of all conflicts. Escalating into war. And how pointless violence is. That was one of the main points with the movie too. Since violence didn't help them get anywhere. It was the other side of humanity, the gentle, compassionate side that saved them from annihilation. It made me really sad, since it reminded me of how destructive we all are. Even if some are not aware of it. And how watching a movie doesn't change anything. We walk out of the theater, back to normal life, and the movie is just something that remains with us, and if it was good, we might think of it from time to time. A movie doesn't change anything. Because humans are unwilling to change. Not until we are on the brink of destruction will we change. Or die.

The other movie: Mirrors. Best horror I have seen in a long while. Actually since I saw 28 weeks later. This one was really thought provoking too, but not in the same "global issue, humanity is bad" way. Rather: is there something looking back at us from the mirrors? And that the fucking mirrors are everywhere. Reflections are everywhere. And if something is looking back at us, they are watching all the time. Can tell you I wont be able to look into a mirror consciously for a long time now... Because it feels like the mirror, or something behind it, is intelligent, is looking back at me. Also I kept wondering, if the movie had something to do with vanity. Our compulsive behavior of always checking if everything is the right with the way we look as soon as we pass by a mirror. Since something behind the mirrors kept hurting the ones on the other side... And since the ending was fucking great! "God dammit!"

And Jack Bauer's voice is really nice. He isn't really Jack Bauer but he's good. And there is only one word for Muse's music - orgasmic. My plug-in baby, crucifies my enemies... UppCon med Kudds idag - yes!! Såna blogghoror vi är, bara sitter här och uppdaterar hela tiden!! Fyfan vad jag är glad att jag är här, SPÅRAT asså! Och ska på nån mysko fest på lördag. Mysko. Hejdå mina små fiskar!

Train moment.

Ok first off, Kudds and Uppsala fucking ROCKS!!!! And so does polyvore.com, check it out dudes!! (especially you ansga!!)

f I could be your punk rock princess, you should be my garage band king If I could be your first real heart-ache I would be your heroin
I realized that when I like someone, I start listening to their music. It just happens. Like when that person loved me, I listened to the music he sent me. Like when I liked a certain dude, I just downloaded heaps of music he usually listened to. If he sent me a song, I looked up the rest of that band's music. And loved it. And found another little piece of myself.
I know I'll be ok, though my skies are turning gray...
And like when I was at a festival with that someone, and we went to a concert with his favorite band, and I loved it and started listening to them.
Is that normal? I don't think these persons are even aware of how much they've influenced me. Since they never wanted what I had to give.
I used to obsess over every broken heart. Now I can think about it without obsessing, without feeling self-sorry, without mentally puking my guts out.
Let's be more than this now... Rock and roll baby, don't you that we're all alone now...
You know, sometimes I just want someone else. Like everyone does. But at the same time I can't really picture it, see it happening. Because I'm so different from what anyone would be able to be with. And even if I had someone significant other, I would still feel a thousand miles away from that person. That's how I work apparently. Detached, lost, thinking too much.
From the first to the last to the worst... Lipstick lullabies, this is sorry for the last time
And sometimes I get so sick of all the plattitudes, of the biological puzzle, of mental retardedness, the feeling indifferent, the crying, being on the outside of society, not having anything to complain about and still complaining like a spoiled little fucktard.
I hate myself for loving you...
Music is great because it makes us feel whole, like we belong, like there is hope. Like we can believe in a beautiful future. We float away on a sea of love. Forget, smile, cry, sing, whisper.
In that sense it makes sense that I made a playlist for every heart-ache.
Your golden ways...
On trains you think a lot.. It's like airports. Or traveling in general. You think while looking out a window at the passing world. It's like time, but not like beads on a string.
In the end, it doesn't even matter...
The moment was over in time. And this is another moment. So it goes.

Flyleaf [oh yes oh yes]

My arms outstretched towards you... Walking there, on a deserted gravel road shrouded in white mist, listening to Flyleaf, looking up into the sky. A wide horizon, open plains, and I took off into the white sky. I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing... I know it wasn't the best decision to spend the afternoon playing FFX with Magda but it was the funniest. Also, Flyleaf is a crazily good band, her voice is just amazing, and it's rare with a girl in an alternative rock band. That song - All Around Me - is just so perfect, in every way.

I'm alive! Tomorrow I leave for Uppsala and Kudds. Boy do I need this! Missing that dude like crazy. Also, nothing beats us when we're on top of the world. We're like Powerpuffs, only more powerful. Friendship, We Has It! So what is on the schedule? Cinema (Twlilight, The day the earth stood still + something random), Movies (Indiana Jones, One Tree Hill, Sponge Bob, random stuff), Svamptorget (pizza, kebab, räkmackor), Chinese food, shopping, Champagne, Beer, playstation, then the event of the weekend: UppCon. I have no idea what it will be like, but I'm sure it'll be a blast since I'm with Kudds. What we will do there? Run around, be crazy, I will scare the shit out of people and record random stuff (think Frank Iero), be nerdy, people-watching, "ragga" as Kudds so modestly put it, get new friends, overdose on Energy Drinks and on top of that, I'm gonna look like Yuna from FFX-2 (yeh the costume where you almost see her boobs). To be honest, I'm gonna look like an anime-whore, only with worse (read: fat) figure.
It'll be on the "best of '09" list. =) See you guys!

Simply love food

I woke up feeling really up. The day proceeded in suppressed craziness. It was a typical Nis mood day. I needed someone to be utterly silly with, just jump around, shout, bite eachother in the arm, throw ourselves on eachother, fight, laugh our asses off, scare the hell out of old people, eating ice cream in the middle of winter, go shopping and trying on silly things, talk silly, invent new words, joke around. For the first time in a really long time I actually felt the missing of mentioned person. Other things also reminded me of him, like the bottle opener in the form of a penis. Just such a Nis artifact.
Beers at Ariman. Deep discussions with Wellington. And a tradition in making. As former mentioned said “det finns inget mer belevat eller trevligt sätt att umgås än över ett glas öl”. Or something like that. Anyway, I had a really good time and I'm glad I've found a new friend.
Later, since I had three and a half beers in my system, “what a waste if I just go home”, I joined Soph on her “going out in Malmö” mission. Three tequila shots, one Corona beer, one un-named drink, one huge Sex-on-the-beach drink, and one or two Jack Daniels shots later (for my part at least), we were on our way to KB to meet up with some people who were there. The music was so great! They played Helena by MCR!!! On a club night!! Guess how ecstatic I got. All in all, I had a very nice evening/night. Except for the violent hiccups when I got home, and falling asleep way too drunk, waking up dizzy. And except the realization how fucking horny I get when I'm drunk. And how mad I get when that horniness isn't satiated. Well, nothing new, I know this, but still.
Hungry for cheese, salt and bubbly soda. Yes please give me a grilled double cheese+salami sandwich with fries and garlic dip and a coke. And a big caffe latte.

Now I am studying, trying to write an essay about Japan in WWII for my history internal, still trying to avoid the fucking ToK essay. One essay, then I never have to think about it again. In theory.

All the discussions give me hope. People who manage to scare away my numb darkness. Also, I finally have bk coupons! WOHO SWEETNESS!

There is no future

Jag orkar inte! Varför ska man göra en massa uppsatser som man gärna hade gjort om de inte skulle pressas fram och alla lämnas in samma datum? Och sen plugga till prov som avgör hela ens fucking betyg, vadå press? Och sen komma in på något fucking prestigefyllt universistet och läsa något flumm som literatur (i mitt fall, det enda jag kan tänka mig typ), och betala massa pengar och sen ändå inte bli något vettigt? Sen typ jobba på något skitjobb som fucking McDonalds, bara för att tjäna ihop pengar till typ universitet, eller för att resa jorden runt, eller för att bara leva. För att sedan efter universistet ändå bara få massa skitjobb eller vara arbetslös (våda lågkonjuktur), och försöka skrapa ihop pengar för att konsumera. Varför? Så jävla fucking meningslöst när allting är PENGAR och fucking KONSUMPTION. Bara en resa med skånetrafiken Malmö-Lund kostar typ 27spänn vilket blir jävligt mycket om man åker fram och tillbaka minst 2 gånger per dag och som jag utsatts för inkompetenta skolåkkorts-tanter som inte vet ett skit! Jävla skitjobb det måste va, men framförallt jävla jobbigt att vara så jävla inkompetent.

The meaninglessness makes me cry. I don't want to earn money just so I can spend and spend and spend on everything that needs spending on. House, food, water, bus, heat, clothes, shampoo. I am sick and tired of not having enough money to do what I want, I am sick and tired of panicking about the future. I am sick and tired of buying groceries, eating, shitting. Why pay for something that will end up on the dump anyway. Why do we have to EARN MONEY JUST TO BE ABLE TO LIVE? Have you ever thought about how sick that is? Forced to EARN MONEY IN ORDER TO EXIST. I am sick and tired of the job market being an assy fucking shit place. I am sick and tired of consumerism. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I want to do everything I want to do. What a change it would be, doing something I actually WANT. Not just this essay or that paper, or that oral, or panicking about not cramming enough. What's the point anyway? And don't say "It's our future" - there is no fucking future! What does it mean going to university? If I wanna be a writer, why don't I just fucking write then??

I don't know. And also I read this in Metro today: "Lyckliga människor bloggar inte. För de har ingen ilska eller ångest som de måste ventilera." WELL FUCK YOU TOO YOU FUCKING HAPPY PEOPLE!! It's lovely you are so happy and all, but to me, happy people equals stupid people. You can't reasonably be happy in a world that is just [mostly] shit. We made it shitty didn't we. Beauty everywhere, sure. I guess I take that back. In everything not man-made there is. But we, we're like king Midas in reverse. Everything we touch turn to SHIT.

Back to school [yay]

School. Tomorrow. However I turn it around it just amounts to: one step closer to exams. Panic. And not at the disco.

Hears a who. Who? Ready and waiting to fall. A person's a person, no matter how small. Life on a speck.

Those damn dreams. I mean, not damned, I kinda love them. But still, they mess with my head. I can only hope they will turn true some day [better yet: someday in the immediate future]. But it's nice to be dreaming such nice dreams. Nice and dangerous. If you long for sleep all day long, just so you can dream... Not good?

Ok. School bag soon ready, iPod packed with new music, new clothes... And it's only four days, then I'm off to Uppsala anyway. Four days in which 2 Written tasks need to be handed in, I need to ace my French oral [arrrgh] and hand in a final draft on the ToK essay [which I just want to vomit on]. However, seeing everyone again will be nice. =) Back to days of school, fika, coffee, maybe a beer. And Exams, well, we'll help eachother out wont we? ;)

Asphyxiated [play games]

Damn you Magda for bringing emo aesthetics back into my obsessed brain! I thought I had left this behind! Even if I no longer aspire for scene queen I still find it really adorable. And hot. And yummy. Ordered from Hottopic last night, yes, late night impulse buy. It was sale. The shipping is gonna assrape me.

Do we ever outgrow ourselves? How can one know when the cookie dough is done? I don't think I'll ever know when I'm an "adult". When I'm "grown-up". People talk about "grown-up points" etc, feeling good about themselves for getting a job, paying bills, getting an apartment and other grown-up stuff. I've been doing loads of grown-up stuff and I don't feel more like an adult just because I do "adult" stuff (read: boring). Paying bills suck. Being organized has its advantages. But, I don't see that as something exclusively adult. And I can't for the world understand people talking about "feeling more grown-up". What does that mean? More mature? Feeling good in one's own skin is one thing, but being "mature"? Come on, don't waste your lives on being grown-ups. Be responsible children instead!

Now why am I writing this? Well. I hate people telling other people (read: adults telling their children) "it's just a phase". Why can't it just be "a beautiful, desperate reaching out, an expression of self on the way to finding who you really are, whoever that might be"?

Is my life right now "just a phase"? When I decided to not care about the skeptic voices, did I just enter another "phase"? I don't know. But I love the journey.

That's beautiful Katie!

You guys, this is incredible! I don't think I've ever been this filled with genuine happiness or hope before! It's like a mind-blast, I'm so not used to this!
Ok, so what happened? I got multiple-orgasms? Oh I wish, no, it was something far less dramatic. I sat on a train, that stood still, for two hours, and then it went back. There was some issue further up the rail. Pointless messages etc, me feeling "oh boy what an assy start the fucking first day of the year is!" But yeah, I went back, all the way back to where I came from. Then, feeling drained and incredibly tired, I lay down and wished for sleep. But I couldn't sleep! Somehow, all of a sudden, I was wide awake. And it didn't have anything to do with lying on a grainy couch in borrowed underwear with a thin children's blanket, it was something inside of me not wanting to shut up. So I took to the solution I do most of these occasions; no folks, not drinking, I plugged into my iPod. Enya. Floating away on those otherwordly tunes, feeling the music in my entire body. And, and, and, I don't know! A release or something. I decided, and this might sound complicated but here's the background as a parentheses (I have always had this silly fear that whenever I can't be funny or cool or whatever, then people wont like me, I have to come up with entertaining things to say and do and blablabla) - what I decided was: I have the right to be quiet! Holy shit! Or I can talk about what's going on in my eccentric mind. So what if people think I'm a freak. And also: I don't have to drink to do all the crazy shit I usually do when I drink. No see, Hultsfred was a proof for that. I can be fucking crazy without alcohol, and who cares what people think. I can be whoever I want to be. It sounds like heavy flumm or I dunno - something people realise in fifth grade? Hey, I'm a late bloomer, ok? Anyway, it was incredible. It was like an epiphany. I just sort of snapped. Positive things in my head. For the first time in ages. And hope! Yes, I can go to uni in Tokyo and be a stripper to pay for uni expenses and found my own hot bar, start dj-ing and be in a rock band and write a novel and whatever I want! It's about will. Not money. If there is a will, there is a way.

And then I went shopping today. Not in a consumerist way like all the other dead cows on the meat market. No. With an image in my head. An image of who I want to be, where I want to get. And then me and Zaz watched these great movies that I really think everyone should see because they're just so funny, life-affirming and contains the true essence of beauty. The first one, Horton, has a really great message. Wow does that narrow-minded hitler-kangaroo remind you of red-neck conservative politicians, and parenting gone wrong (like people sending in their horrifyingly awry, strong opinions about this or that to Metro). And Katie. Incredible Katie, so special and so wonderful and so cuddly. And Horton, talking to a speck, a speck that contains a whole little city. Whoville. That's right - a speck. "How do we know it's not them that are tiny, but we who are giants? And how can we know that there isn't anyone out there thinking we are tiny?"
Then "Be Kind Rewind". Why didn't I watch this earlier? So engaging, creative and life-affirming. Really true with what was stated earlier - will is everything. And so sad that it is money that govern our lives.
Also - Paul Auster's "The inner life of Martin Frost". Well, Auster should stick to writing, but it was a cute movie, and an interesting viewpoint.

Also. Seeing beauty everywhere around you, even where it might not be apparent...

I'm in The Band

The peroxide is still making my scalp itch. Feeling this New Year will add a certain twist. Oh yeah, don't they say that the way you spend New Year's eve is the way the rest of the year will be?
In that case, I will be in a rock band.

It doesn't matter I can't play any intsrument (flute in 7th grade doesn't count), I have my voice. And arguably, I have become better at singing. Compared to before when I sounded like a wounded piece of shit. Already have the first song - "Fuck the Fjortisar"!!

Telling you, I had the sexiest rock chic outfit ever - My wonderful blue, otherwordly, floaty Religion dress, Black crop jacket from Top Shop, shawl with silver coins from Roskildefestival, black H&M tights with silver details, and black high-heeled boots (Moschino-style). A champagne bottle in the hand, sitting by the dock, watching brilliantly beautiful Fireworks while secretly snickering at the wet-behind-the-ears fjortisar fooling around beside us. Watching silly movies like "Surf's Up" and "Superhero Movie" with my little sisters, watching a Green Day documentary and discussing our future band me&Zaz, dancing like crazy to our punk rock favourites, sitting by the fountain and laughing our asses off at our common social handicap. And at Micci's. "Hjälp. Alla dricker. Jag är helt tyst. Här finns ingen läsk. Hjälp" It was a good start =)

I forgot to add something to my list of goals for 2009 - I wanna DJ!! And the band part. And I wanna start a nightclub. But maybe I'll save that for later. For Japan mayhaps. Hope your new starts where as good as mine! ;)