The Ugly Truth

What the fuck do they think with? Their dicks? Maybe I didn't sleep with you for a reason assface? Use some other body part to think with for a change. And yes, maybe I dissed you, but I'm too nice to say it straightforward. But if you text me at 04.30am then what do you expect? Oh I'm sorry, you were at a party? Well do I look like I care, manwhore? Maybe you see yourself as God's gift to all women, but I don't find you the least attractive, especially not when you're crawling before my feet, desperately texting me in the middle of the night trying to get in my pants. Have you ever heard about the thrill of the hunt? Let the lioness hunt for a change. Don't just fall to the ground like paralyzed prey. I know I'm gorgeous, but you don't have to get so enchanted you give up on the spot. Suspense. Well I guess some guys just can't handle their blue balls well. Just because we fooled around before doesn't mean I'm promising to take it all the way. Maybe I don't feel like it anymore. Maybe your dick was too small.

Anyway, that was one guy. Then there's another, but at least he is nicer and cuter and more interesting. Then there's another one. Who I'm meeting this week and let's see what mood I'm in then. Don't tell me. I know. I have turned into a player like I said. And I love it. And hate it. It's terrible to torment the poor guys like this. It's terrible to torment myself like this, by being a cold hearted bitch. Vad spelar det för jävla roll om någon vill njuta av din kropp om de skiter totalt i din själ? Anyway, entertaining movie. Cheers Magda. We don't need boys.

Fierce redheads

There's something special about being a redhead. More heads are turned, more attention, random guys showing appreciation. Like what the fuck. But I can't say I don't enjoy it. I love my red hair and my bangs. There's something lusty about red hair. Like fire. Like fierce. It's almost like I had a Top Model makeover.

So there was a little party last night. Semi-party. Drinking, waterpipe and laughing our asses off. Listening to rad hardcore music. Dancing. Singing our lungs out. It was supposed to be a movienight but I guess it got a little off track. But it was fun. And there was a guy as well. I don't know where that will lead but maybe it will lead somewhere. But he's not that badass and I have realized that if I don't have to work hard to get what I want, I sort of don't want it... I dunno. Night before the semi-party it was just me and Mags and FFX. God I missed that game.

And I'm still looking for a job. Tonight it's celebrating lil sis and eating out at T.G.I Fridays. And next week is more of looking for a job.

I wanna do bad things to you

That True Blood theme song is so amazing. I don't know who you think you are but before the night is through, I wanna do bad things to you... Have seen the whole first season now. And since I've read the first book in the series the tv-show is based on, I knew everything that happened until episode 9. I like the actors, very much. Anna Paquin who plays Sookie (I loved her as Rouge in the X-men movies), Stephen Moyer as Bill (he makes a perfect Bill, he's not exactly sexy but he still is, it's so fucked up), Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette (he's brilliant!)... and Alexander Skarsgård as Eric, oh my god, he's gorgeous as that character... Well, I guess I fell prey to the hype.

Worked this evening, it was ok. Needed it. And damn, some exercise at the gym did me good. And a new haircut and a new hair colour. Didn't know what to think at first, but now I fell in love with it. Have you ever had the feeling you want to eat yourself? No? Well, I've had it several times, no matter how fucked up that may sound. When I got my new perfume, Strip, from Agent Provocateur and wore it for the first time, I just wanted to eat myself up cause it smelled so delicious. When I fell in love with my new hair, I got that feeling again, I just wanted to eat myself up cause I looked so cute. Arrrgh, self imploding on that statement. But anyway. Vampires, vampires, vampires. I think I need to contact Magda before I start biting random people...

Utan karta för vardagen

Fyfan vad vilse jag går ibland alltså. Så jävla vilse. Såna jävla humörsvängningar. Ena sekunden vill jag hoppa framför ett tåg, det finns inget hopp, bara nattsvart självhat, det finns inga möjligheter, aldrig en chans att jag får ett jobb, eller att det finns en framtid. Sen nästa timme, efter ett antal utskickade jobbsökningar känns det mer hoppfullt, varför skulle jag inte få ett jobb va? Det tar bara lite tid, förr eller senare dyker väl något upp. Det är bara att vara tålmodig, förr eller senare kommer det en jobböppning. Och framtiden löser sig. Vem är det du egentligen gör det här för? Hade du sökt jobb om du inte hade haft en massa förväntningar på dig från omvärlden? Ja, det hade jag antagligen, men de är en stor faktor. Att se alla uppleva en massa saker, universitet och new beginnings, får en själv att känna sig som en big fat looser. Att sitta utan jobb eller kurser att läsa, utan en karta för vardagen, får en att skumpna ihop inuti. Får en att tappa all ork och lust. Ingenting är kul. And I try to set my ego aside. Try to be happy. Men sen går jag vilse igen. Om jag inte hade behövt pengar hade jag varit lycklig med att inte göra någonting den här hösten, bara fortsätta skriva på det jag nu äntligen kommit igång med att skriva. Men jag kan skriva samtidigt som jag har ett jobb. Åh fan alla gudar i himlen, ge mig ett välbetalt, intressant heltidsjobb! Åh fan. Snälla. Hundreds of dreams taking place around me. Kanske ska gå till gymmet imorgon och få in lite positiv energi i kroppen. Och sen vill jag klippa lugg och färga håret rött. Det kanske jag gör efter vad jag antar blir den sista kvällen på Marinan på lördag. Och såg en bra film idag: Easy Virtue. Med Ben Barnes, han är snygg. Hejdå.

P. Sawyer is back

What do you do when you discover a lot of time has passed without you really realizing? Well, sometimes it amazes me. Still looking for a job. The record company couldn't offer any paying positions at the moment but they asked for a CV for future reference. On top of that I have applied for at least 12 different waitress jobs and 3 store jobs. We'll see if I get anything. If I don't, well then I would just have to continue what I'm doing now: writing and reading. Reading "The Historian" at the moment, a really captivating book, even scary at times. And watched all of the lord of the rings movies extended versions again, nostalgia. Put together my LP player. Went to a dinner. Out with friends. Movienight. Even though Mom thinks I have the swineflu. Who doesn't think they have the swineflu these days anyway? And continuing driving. Since I don't have anything else, maybe it's finally time for a driving license. At least I haven't crashed Mom's car yet.

Now, a very dear friend is leaving the country on Tuesday. It will be empty without her. And the situation reminds me a lot of similar situations in my murky past. People always leave. But sometimes they come back. And sometimes there is visiting. And maybe there will be Paris for the two of us later this fall. There will be a visit at some point at least.

We are not what you think we are

So I had an disconcerting experience and an disconcerting dream. There I was, drunk as fuck, and horny, with a cute (arguably hot) and nice guy beside me on our big round couch. We cuddled and made out. But when he wanted more I suddenly wasn't game anymore. I just didn't feel like it. And he was pretty good. But I still didn't feel like it and left the poor guy with blue balls. That was when I realized: I don't think I want to have sex with someone I don't have feelings for. It was a fantastic epiphany. Sex without feelings is just... a passtime.

As for the dream: there I was with an abusive, bad boy boyfriend. Latino, with a temper from hell. And there he comes along, the ultimate good guy. Resposible, mature, cute, caring. It's love at first sight, and though Mr Latino-guy promises he'll kill me someday, I give him the cold shoulder. The blonde good guy becomes my new boyfriend and it's so cute, like we are so shy and hesitant, and when we kiss it's bliss. Anyway, sounds like a cheezy romance daydream any horny girl might have, but it wasn't. Since I had it after my epiphany I think it wanted to tell me that I'm in need of a good guy. No more bad guys for me no.

Sailor Moon

Fate. Destiny. What if you find out that you are from a faraway kingdom, that you are, in fact, a princess of a faraway kingdom? Why was this the dream of my childhood (these days I'm a bit more realistic)? I always thought there had to be something more, life couldn't be just this, the things we see on the surface. There was no place that felt like home, no people I could identify with (no real, living people anyway). No place where I could fit in, where I could feel like just any other normal young girl. It might seem like vanity, to regard oneself too different for earth, but believe me, it was purely despair. And an endless array of why why why don't I fit in? why do I feel like an alien all the time? why do I feel like this to begin with? Sure, we all have periods when we feel alienated and feel like outsiders. Some more than others. Maybe this is more.

Anyway, worked yesterday, working tonight. And tomorrow it is time for Personalfest. yay. B-tema. Anything on B goes. So I'm going to be a Bollywood dancer, fab costume. And what I do in the middle? Watch Sailor Moon. It's the cutest show ever. Along with Ouran High School Host Club maybe. But cute it is. And they are aliens too.

Do you miss me

Do you miss me when I'm feeling sad? Well do you? Or have you lost me like you lost yourself when you lost your way in life? Let me tell you, there's an art in seclusion. Production in depression. Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands. As I am losing self in myself, inner demons make demands. All the words copied from a page. But one thing is true: there is no place in this world for people who have lost their way.

Copenhagen and Christiania was nice. Amazingly beautiful day, fab company, good wine, pretty view. And next day: it's always nice to see Magda. I part dreaded part wished to see Z when I tagged along to Mangakai. Both me and Mags concluded that we have so outgrown that place. Later in the evening we joined forces with the fab Molina to watch Patsy and Eddie. I will miss Absolutely Fabulous. And next day: bumped in to Sara, should really meet up with her. "Lunch" with Mads, always nice, talk talk talk. And now I have earned an evening at home.

I think I need a little time alone again. It feels like I've been fighting something all summer, put on a grim yet happy mask and just taken the pain and smiled. I think I need to crack a little. As autumn falls (ha ha), my perennial depression makes itself known. But no, I don't want to talk about it cause I can't explain it and I just feel silly if i try to.

Jude Law and Tarantino

What can I say? Shakespeare is magical, and most magical when presented in the form it is supposed to be presented in: live on a stage. And with Jude Law as Hamlet, it turned even more magical, if possible. It was very true to original script, with a little touch of spicy here and there. Very ingeniously performed. Like Hamlet's enacted madness - perfection. The imitation of a crab, the dryhumping of Polonius, the clever retorts and the general outsmarting of Polonius. The gooey, repulsive love between Claudius and Gertrude. The brilliant, if yet daft, gravedigger. The gravedigger and Polonius were both played by the same actor, my second favourite next to Jude Law. I'm still not sure if I liked Ophelia or not, but she had a nice voice. I think I like Helena Bonham Carter better in the role of Ophelia, this version was a little too much down to earth. And Mr Gibbs from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies made an excellent Claudius, flawless in every way. And then the stage: Kronenborg slott is a fairytale castle, magical, surrounded by water. With a modest, black, clean cut stage on the courtyard, the audience sitting under an open sky, the castle contributed even more to the setting, the mood, and the magic. As night fell over Elsinore, the stars came out, and the audience sat transfixed by this very goldmine of brilliant acting, I was just really happy to be a part of such an experience. Even if I freezed my butt off. The fame-smitten teenager in me screamed with infinite glee "he looked at me!" every time Mr Law's intense gaze happened to fall on me. He was so far into his character he hardly noticed who he looked at, but I think every female in the audience (which was at least 79%) inwardly screamed with glee at the thought of Jude Law, at the sight of Jude Law, at the sound of Jude Law. We were all very silly on the inside, but on the outside very dignified and composed.

Inglorious Basterds. After a day of shopping, or rather window shopping for my part, with lil sis, we went to see Inglorious Basterds. Oh, I bought new shoes too, it felt like a premiere night. Anyway, where to begin? I can't even describe this weird, creepy, brilliant cacaphony of nazi hate, gore and twisted conversations. As ever, Tarantino shows his gift of possesion , a possesion of how to present things. Let me explain. However we may look to the world, it all comes down to how we present ourselves. How we speak: accent, no accent, what language, how articulate, old-fashioned, flowing or staccato etc. How we look: well-dressed, sloppy, poised, manicured, inspiring of confidence, threatening etc. How we move and what we choose to do. Everyone of Tarantino's characters are extremely possesed, extremely well thought out, and extremly brilliant. Why? Due to the satirical edge, the parodies, and the nods to history, culture and everything else. Might be due to excellent choice of actors as well. But I don't love the actors, not even Brad Pitt. I love Tarantino. The end.

Now I'm looking forward to a day trip to Copenhagen and Christiania later today. And the day after that, I would love some Magda time. I'm just dying to play some Final Fantasy X and maybe watch some Buffy, cook food, eat ice crem, gossip and maybe throw in some waterpipe on top of that. Cheerios.