Worst day ever

I've just experienced one of the worst days in my entire life. The night before the day and arguably the morning of this very very bad day was awesome: chilldrinking on the beach with Mads and Nina. We had a really good time, badade i havet, grillade, drack, snackade, skrattade... And we "met" three Stockholmare. If the guys we invited to this beach thing would have shown up, I bet the night would have been very different. But now, since they didn't show, we talked to these three guys instead. And it turns out they're only 17. I laughed. And said "åh va gulligt" på stockholmska. Anyway, we went to where I work to drink some more, and we all got drunk. Then we went for another swim in the sea. And then we went to my place. All in all a very cozy and nice evening/night. The hangover the day after, today, was far less cozy. Not cozy at all actually. It didn't exactly help that I had to get up for work at 9 and then start at 10. Worked from 10 to 16, so fucking gone and exhausted already before starting work. Imagine what I am now, after work. No, it was seriously the worst ever working with this hangover. And I don't like my work. I want to quit. I don't want this anymore. I am tired of it. Exhausted. And it feels like I never have the free time to do what I want.

I forgot to mention I saw Public Enemies this week. Such a good movie. Johnny Depp as John Dillinger, can it be more awesome?

And now I have five more days of work. Working nine days in a row, long nights, should seriously be forbidden by law.

How it goes

The fucking flash thing can go fuck itself. Anyway, my sisters left mum's place yesterday and it's fucking lonely out here now. No playing in the pool, teasing each other, pissing each other off, going to get dvds and candy, going for random walks... Instead we have suntanning alone, watching episodes of The Hills and Skins. The Hills inspired me to go look for internship at places I really really wanna work. Like record labels. So we'll see how that goes. Two days of work, three more to go. And G texted wanting to know what my schedule looks like now. Should I answer or no? I actually have no clue what it looks like after sunday. Maybe I'll get the weekend off, like I want to, to go to Way Out West. And to meet Tom. Hehe. And in that case I'll probably work Monday and Tuesday. Or I wont get the weekend off and just work work work. Anyway. Tomorrow, work. Sat - work, then beach with friends. Sun - work (I actually open on sunday which means not too much alcohol the night before). Then no idea. And oh, Malmöfestivalen coming up. I heard Mika was coming?? And Diploma Ceremony and that Hamlet thing with Jude Law.. That will be nice.. I need these little things to keep me up throughout working. Today I closed, it was fun dancing around cleaning tables while singing and watching work mates get drunk, they were the last to leave. But before that it was murder. Now I'm going to smoke a cigarette before bed. I quit yesterday, or maybe it was the day before that. Cheerios.

My dream is to fly

Four days of freedom passed. Now it is back to reality. Work. Grr. I don't think I appreciated the freedom enough. But anyway. This time around it was time for conversations, reading, and watching skins. Also a night out with the girls. Which was crazy but awesome. I had a really fun time dancing my ass off, actually dancing my studded belt off. It kept falling to my feet, which was pretty inconvenient. Woke up with a beautiful hangover. Went out to town to meet Linus, and we went for coffee/beer, ice cream, and then back to Ystad. Felt really good to meet him again, I'm so glad he's better. And hopefully he'll be at Araneya's thing on saturday too. Which btw will be an interesting event.

And despite all the half accounted for drama, I found myself really liking life. If I just find a nice, NOT stressful job for the autumn, everything is pretty close to perfect. Now I'll just have to get through the last months of work here and then... And then...

In the mystery time of cold and rain

Slitna jeans, oversize vitt linne, kedjor, läder, high heels, Prince light in one hand, the bangles clanging. That is me. Slight disregard for rules, paranoia to the max, don't trust anyone, cynical. That is me. Some words get stuck in my mind. Like "I don't know if I am a player but I'm heading that way". Last time, spoken by a boy I was falling for. This time, spoken by me, by choice. I will have a hell of a time playing around. Because of all the people who have hurt me. I don't think they even know, I'm very quiet when I'm hurt. Instead of going drama on the hurters, I withdraw, like a wounded cheetah. And like I said to mom: "Kärlek är fucking skit. Killar är fucking dumma i huvet."

Looking for intense moments. More and more often, I wake up in the now, see things more clearly. And an interesting guy contacted me on facebook, I was mightily surprised, but in a good way. Party. What's the point of caring about people when so few care back. What's the point of looking for honest feelings when so many are playing. Right now, writing this, I feel so amazingly good about life. Life is a game. Who follows the rules. And who breaks them.

I know what you did last summer

So I was thinking on the train again. I was comparing this summer to last summer, what was different and what was not. Let's see. Last summer, I had the same job, but I don't recall it ever being this much work or this stressful. Last summer, I managed to finally get Z out of my head, with slight downfalls like Metaltown. Last summer, I worked at Metaltown and WCR, and loved it, and would really have liked to at least have attended those festivals. I went to Hultsfred, which I did this summer too, and it was ten times the more fun this time around, because of the fun people we met there, and because of being in Träsket, close to the lake and the festival area. Last summer, I didn't talk to that person at all. Which I haven't much this summer either, because of the same stupid thing. Regrettably, that's up to her. Last summer when G came home, I was pretty much just as indifferent as this time around, but he turned out to be more of an asshole this summer. Last summer, I had a lot of feelings going this way and that, angst for friend-situations, hate against some, conflicted love towards some, regret and shame regarding some situations. I was younger. I was more easily hurt. I didn't see myself as clearly as I do now, and I wont let myself think I'm a bad person, that i did wrong, because of bad self-esteem. If I know in my heart it was right, then that's good enough for me.

And then there's this other person that I don't know why is still in my life. Because I know when someone care about me and when they don't. Or when they care but for selfish reasons or wrong reasons. I can just tell. And I know when someone is saying one thing but acting subconsciously differently - then that's the time to get out. Because that person is putting up an act. Or just feeling that you're not good enough, you don't deserve the whole charade. Only the words. I can smell rejecetion ten feet wide. However, some people I will just never manage to read, but I'm still trying to figure out if they're fucking worth the effort or not.