Should I kill this thing?

So. I guess I am home. If I want to call this a home, I don't know. The weirdest feeling I've had in a superlong time. Woozy, dizzy, just sleep all the time. Hey I don't even know what to say.

In some ways it feels like this blog has outlived its purpose. On the other hand though, I know I'm going to need it sooner or later. On my better days I always feel like a normal, sane person. On my better days, I feel that this "thing" is completely useless, immature and banal. If it's spelled like that gosh I haven't practiced my english until I landed in this country and met IB:ers. Anyways! It's always good to have a place to vent. A diary? Nah, I always burn old diaries and regret it several years later. Yes, I have kept several diaries but all of them got burned. At the stake. Like evil witches coming to haunt me. Why why why did I burn the diary I wrote when I had anorexia... I mean, it could be very very interesting, and maybe even useful for others.

I diverged. I'm sorry. I guess I am back yeah. So weirded out by this place and can't stop thinking about all the things I miss. Where to begin? The sun. The warmth. The beach. The beer. Free drinks. And then after all that - The People. Nah just kidding - the people is what I miss the most. After the sun that is. Had to go to a Solarium today to get some endorphins running in my system. Start with a gym card, then the driving license, book some travels for Magaluf, Greece and all over Sweden, talk to my grandparents that I haven't seen in ages...

Life starts anew. Like a reborn I blink at the amazing world out there, at all the possibilities, all the roads I can take, all the crossings and meeting points I know lies ahead. So many choices. But whatever happens happens. Mañana mañana. Can't be bothered to get stressed, I will go wherever my life takes me, wherever I feel like going.

I think home is the people you love, not really the place. So in one way this IS my home. Cause I got people I love here. Y'all know who y'are. Today I met one of them. Tomorrow I'll meet another, and countless days after that. Cause I got the whole summer ahead of me, dedicated to people, places, and things that I love.

The silent Rebel yell

Jamen bry er inte. What the fuck. Everytime someone farts it causes a commotion, thats how much people react to shit. It´s the same everywhere in the world, speciellt dar man inte har nagot annat att oroa sig for, som typ hur man ska fa mat for dagen eller om man ens kommer overleva. Orka bry sig?

I think I have this image of a "peace-love-and-understanding-society" sometimes in the 70s or possibly the summer of ´69 (something that absolutely didnt exist even then if you think about all the political conflicts going on, i know, im just glamourizing) where everyone is really chill and just love everyone and everything. It doesnt exist but I constantly wish it did. It`s like something from a Aldous Huxley novel; although in his books, the "chill" of the society is mostly dependent on drugs. And then we´re back to the English class discussions on drugs, sex and society. Yes, I miss my high school days, especially English class.

And no, I´m not a big fan of Billy Idol, I just revel in references. And I really am a silent rebel. I don´t make much noise of me, instead I write all my pain on a piece of paper, I turn my insides out, for everyone to see. I´ve explained this a million times; don´t care, I do this for myself. Especially since my memory has turned into a needle with holes in it, I need something to refresh it with.

Three weeks left. I can´t wait till the season is over. At the same time, I know I will miss this little bubble that is supposed to be life on Tenerife. Speaking of Tenerife, I heard a great song today. "Fuck Ibiza, fuck Tenerife - we´re going to Magaluf". Not that I´m going, I just laughed at how humble it sounds. Arrogance is so charming. Sarcasm always wins though.

Golden memories

Ten minutes to write something interesting...

Tomorrow I'm getting a tattoo with my sister down here, Cecilia. She's going home in ten days and I don't know how I will handle life down here without her. It's going to be empty... Then it's just me and the boys. And you know how boys are - they like to do boy stuff on their own. Not fun when you're the only girl in the gang.

Work is so boring. Same thing every fucking day. Feels like I can't take it anymore. Tedious.

The future is on my mind yet again. What will I do this summer? Preferably I get a good job in Malmö, get a flat with Molina, and have a fucking awesome summer involving old friends, festivals and parties. And preferably I get in to Edinburgh and go there in the autumn filled with golden summer memories.

Memories, memories... So many memories I will bring from this island. So many, so amazing... Have some diary fragments I might post here when I get back in april...

Anyway, now it's time for work. Cheerio.

Roam alone

Some people roam this world alone.

It doesn't matter that they have friends and family that love them, there is just a huge black hole inside them. Sometimes the hole is more prominent. Like when you hurt someone you love, when you make a mistake, when you lie alone at night thinking about everything and nothing. Sometimes the hole seems nonexistent. Like when you laugh your ass off with your best mates, when you kiss a gorgeous man, when you hold your baby sister in your arms. But the hole will always resurface and come back to haunt you. Because some people are just wired that way. Because some people, they roam this world alone.

"Maybe someday we will talk and just not speak" - well that's a story that went completely off the cliff since he has now left this island.

Avatar - it's so my kind of movie. I fell in love with the forest, the Na'vi, the plotline... It's like a mix between Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Pocahontas - something like that. But it's a really good movie. I'm such a sucker for epic tales of the good side overcoming the bad side, with a little romance thrown in.

Otherwise - I'm still alive, surprisingly enough.

Mi mi mi, para mi?

It's a new year and i didnt even see it coming, the old one was over so fast it was almost too fast. What a hell of a year you were, sweet 2009, one of the happiest years of my life. Let's see. I graduated from high school. I scored awesomely at exams. Prom, studenten, house-party, Split, Hultsfred... Nätterna i Ystad. sommarkvällspromenader, Marinan, strandfester. Molina and me loose in Malmö. Sen kom hösten. Ölkvällar och vattenpipa med Magda. Nya jobb och mys. Sedan kom telefonsamtalet som ändrade mitt liv. "Vill du komma ner och jobba på Teneriffa?" "Eh, tja, ja varför inte?"

Nu är förfan januari snart slut också och jag har ännu mindre tid än någonsin. Festar antagligen mer än min hälsa klarar av men vafan, man lever bara en gång. Börjar iofs tröttna, when all nights look the same, when all people stay the same, it's no fun anymore. Have only gotten closer to A and C, the others not at all. And Viking and Rags are not much fun anymore. Drink at home and at our favourite secret place. When I get drunk I don't really care who I am with or where I am. Long time since I got some too, makes me cranky. As always, it feels like I'm loosing myself, when I know in my heart, I'm beginning to find myself more and more.

Sitter i lägenheten där Familjen Dyngrak bor. Dricker Smirnoff Ice. Ska till Banana Garden och käka, sen antagligen en sväng till Viking. Sen vill jag faktiskt hem. Sova. Sen börjar en ny vecka. Ja, jag har börjat tröttna, jag är sliten. See things that others here dont see, feel things people here dont feel. Find dark corridors behind doors that others just see as an opening to another room. Maybe it's House of Leaves that's messing with my head.

Kasta lego.