And I came here to make you dance tonight

So strange how doing something dangerous makes you feel more alive.
Adrenalin surging, pulsing, alert, ready to run and hide.
And then the coldness. like running into a stone wall headfirst. it's exhausting.
but liberating.
still, i prefer knowing what is going to happen.
time like a slow slimy river, not fast enough. unexpected detour. brain neurons run short and you can't think but you know you have to think and that fast. the slight panic but still the immense calmness on the inside, like an ocean of calmness, and you know you're gonna make it.
then the "can i relax now". the truth is, you can never really relax i think.
unless you stop thinking.
and that is an insurmountable task.
anyway. we are alone. can't share feelings and thoughts with others (not in its pure form).

walking silently beside another, trying to read the thoughts, just following a lead, slightest movement, low voice, a gaze, the exchange, the self-awareness. im not talking about what you think i am.

paranoia is awful. it's like if you got something to hide you can't help feeling everyone is looking at you. or if you're terribly self-aware, and see someone looking at you, you go "omg do i have something in my face?" these ocd'ic thoughts go one step further with me. i always think im "branded" - that people can read in my face, or on a label on my back or something what im feeling. Like it says "slut" on my forehead. It's awful.

It was good talking again. After so long time, i thought you didn't care anymore, that it was all abandoned. I cried you know. From longing and missing and hurt. but i already told you that. Could never turn my back, cause i think this is special. and all i ever wanted was to be understood - you are the only one i know who actually did for some time.

Looking for a connection. to anything or anyone. understanding.

I listen when you talk and i cant make up my mind, all i know is i feel good in your company, so dont leave please. there's this uncertainty this question in the air, getting to know someone is exciting isn't it and people talk. i dont know if you get this but i noticed we often think very alike, so maybe you think the same or am i only hoping for something that isnt really there.

What i thought of the other day was: I used to be good at stuff, used to have raging passions for stuff and learn it in a heartbeat and enjoy it and hours could go on without me noticing. it never happens anymore and that fact makes me very sad. is this what it means growing up? loosing the passion and the fire? loosing the desire to learn?

And I ain’t gonna lie,
I can be a nasty guy.
So you should probably sit
‘cause yeah my words come kinda quick
and if you don’t get it let me repeat it, just forget what you thought.

Only see what I let you see
over and over again.
What you say is nothing new to me.
Honestly.

(cobra starship)¨

Inspirational Pictures

Don't have much relevant to say except that I wasted an entire weekend on SILENTLY THINKING and STARING INTO AN EMPTY WALL. Also had time for some MELANCHOLY ON A TRAIN and HUGGING OF TEDDYBEAR.

Hey hey rich boy, look my way

in a world non-withstanding

surrounded by people i thought i knew

dancing the dance of lost lovers

and trying to face the inevitable

loneliness is the cloak we never shed

the shell we go on hiding in

just thouht of it. no matter where you are in the world, no matter how much you have in terms of material belongings, you will always have to face who you really are inside. the glossy pictures in the magazines might make us dream and long, but if you picture being there, sun-tanning beside an azure pool, a magnificient view in the background and a drink in your hand, you can still feel your own core. imagine being there breathing, closing your eyes, letting time pass. you will still feel lonely if that is what you feel. admittedly you might be slightly happier due to all the material stuff, but it's not guaranteed.

so much is about money, about affording. having spent the day looking at scholarships, this is something that im very aware of at the moment. even if i always am at a constant vigilance when it comes to money and how i spend it. what also brought unnaturally much attention to this issue was when i spent the entire night on tradera, trying to win a cheaper train ticket to stockholm. i landed myself a ticket at 420kr, which i still thought was too much for my economy (and thinking about how to afford the journey home, ALOT too much). when i later didn't get any info from ASSHOLE tradera on how to extract my price (which resulted in me missing the departure anyway, so what was the fucking point), i ended up in a depressing reverie about what i could do if i had so much money i wouldn't have to worry about spending it in the first place. i know i would still be quite miserable (it's just my nature) but for starters, i would be in uppsala now, enjoying the long-longed for company of one of my closest friends who just so unfortunately happens to live there. i would have a weekend of happiness instead of one of studying.

money is far too big an issue in my head. but if i had enough to not worry about it, i could also have embraced the second plan after going to uppsala, which was Tivoli with magda. she wanted me to go there with her, but i couldn't really afford that either. i guess if i hadn't been in copenhagen the weekend before that and bought clothes i could have gone, so in that case it was more a matter of priority. but i hate priorities, i want to do everything i want to do, no matter what it costs!

this also got me thinking that i wanna earn alot in my future profession, so that i can provide monetary security for my children. they should never have to worry whether they will get in to the university of their choice or not. (which is exactly what im worrying about at the moment)

i cant endure the thought of NOT going to Japan. hearing the ending song of Mononoke Hime, my heart aches like that of a thousand broken hearts, and i cant imagine my life in the future if i dont get to japan. i simply just have to get there, any way i can. it's so sad it has to be a matter of money.

Now I know what you're thinking - what a spoiled little brat! But let me tell you this. sure, i could write a blogpost about people who REALLY need money, who live on one dollar a day, but to tell the truth, i'd rather write from the heart, from what i know most people in my surrounding are going through right now, than pretending to think myself able to save the world. i know what it's like living in uncertainty, not knowing if you'll be able to pay the next rent. i also know that im in no postion to help these poor people, at least not in the situation i am in today.

as cesar likes to reason - if he gets super-rich, THEN he might be able to make a difference for these people, invest in their businesses, help them get started on projects that will help them help themselves.

But the getting rich part comes before that.

Right now, i just want the security money brings. knowing i WILL be going to Japan, no matter what. Sometimes you can't help wishing your parents where millionaires.

Parents, i never dare asking for money, because i know how they will look at me. "Get a job". I also feel really bad if it so happens that i HAVE to ask for some support, it feels like im in a life-long debt to them. Or when my dad tells me he has NO LOANS whatsoever, that loans are evil and i should avoid them at all costs. if im going to japan, i will in no way be able to avoid loans (=evil). And how does that make me feel.

Yes, I wish I was a spoilt millionaire kid with every material possesion I could wish for, living in a pent-house in central Tokyo, partying every night, enough money for the rest of my life without having to do anything. walk-in closet, designer clothes, private chauffeur, socializing with the elite. no, it's not just a damage attained from gossip girl, it's a life-long wish ive harboured since the day i could walk. Ever since the first "no" ("Mommy, i want a doll" - "Honey, we can't afford it") I've hated to not have enough money.

Why is money so taboo? Why does spoiled equal bad? Why are you selfish if you strive for economic security? Why is money dirty? Why does it pass so quickly from hand to hand and make us bricks in a board game? Why is it all some people care about?

Why is it bad to satisfy your cravings? Why is pleasure bad? Why should we feel bad about not thinking of the starving kids in Africa?

In any way. All we ever asked for was happiness. For everyone.

The Sound of Truth

as i lay dying. an ocean between us.
It's so strange when a person who normally can't cry, cry herself to sleep. The only warmth in bed her flustered cheeks, and her teddybear. In a deadly embrace. Whispering to no one for no reason at all, following the shadows in the ceiling, the tears trickling down into her ears, and that uncomfortable feeling of water in the ear. Giving meaning to the shadows in the ceiling, for no reason at all. Trying to decipher the message, the meaning. Sending songs that don't matter and can't change a thing.

Happiness excludes people - if you happen to be on the other side. And shit, fuck I did it again, my offensive humor messing it up, I'm sorry. Realization only favors hindsight.

Where the fuck am I going? Bend over to pick up the pen and loose footing. It's good I'm going away this weekend. While others mature I grow stuck in a destructive circle. While others develop, I'm left behind, watching with closed eyes. It's chaos in my head, the step forward and the step back, see the road stretching out. And fire. At the end of the tunnel. Should I care, should I turn. Save your bullets for your dearest. Couldn't be maybe sleepwalking tonight, sleepwalking this time. Imagine sleepwalking in a nightmare.

Changing for the rain, just to be by your side, soul connection, appealing essence. Isn't there some electricity.

One day,
This world will see me at the horizon
One day,
From a distant light
And just before I stand, to face my love
I'll turn around
And with a smile I'll say my goodbyes
One last goodbye
Goodbye...

(Blindside)

I took a picture of a girl I once knew
I kept it here incase I'd run into you
The look on your face could light up a room
But instead you leftAnd now I'm sitting with my head on the dashboard
Push the seat back and close my eyes
I had this dream that I was on an airplane
Afraid to fly
So I tipped my head to the side and I whispered
To this man that was in the isle
I said "do you know how long it takes before we die?"
And then I rolled awake

Can you take me back to the person I used to be
Back when you were there for me
I know it seems like forever but do me a favor please
Way back when we were stupid
Held grudges just to help us sleep
Oh my god, how ridiculous were we?

I stop your breathin everytime I'm around girl
Your body's sweatin and your hands start to shake
I know you can't control your eyes but I know that your looks are fake
So tease me once and I'll try to forget
How it feels when youve got nothing left
Well take it slow and only work this sometimes
Oh yeah...

(A Rocket to the Moon)

We speak of fighting to resist this world
But what about the battle within us?
If we have chosen to live against the grain
Then why are we all facing the same way?
There is no difference between us and them
If we all blindly seek truth from sentiments

(As I lay dying)

Give me self-destruction

because i love it and can never escape it.


Looks. see how shallow we are, we scroll and we go either UGLY or Oooh.
who gets the message depends on who is hotter
and who isnt, well will you be my friend instead. sarcasm.
evil in the sense that we weed out and laugh and tease and point and rofl
how terrible isnt it that you judge a person by his face

[japanese accent]
a geisha in the floating world, in the ukiyo-e
she paints her face to hide her face
she can only be a wife of nightfall,
a half wife
she never only belongs to one man
yet she is not a simple prostitute,
she sings and she dances, an artist
of her kind
the long black hair like silk
the quiet white face and red lips beckoning
her eyes as a deep pools
where you can see all her grievances
it is not for a geisha to want

sometimes you realise why you hang out with the people you do hang out with. because they're so fucking wonderful and you would never want anyone else.
sometimes you can't be bothered with other people
i could never meet up with random strangers. not unless i was drunk or smth else and didnt care
but guess thats a passtime for some people. meeting people they dont know, having fun. oh. i actually like it come to think of it, but only if i can be myself in all my crazyness. with some people you cant be that, you have to act all mature and stuff. thats why i could never be myself with people who get embarrassed.

constantly searching for good music. good bands.
want ANBERLIN2 or smth. a PERFECT band.

why do we care, why cant we shut off some things. wishing for colder coldness
dont wanna care smack about approval or what people thing. wont change a thing, the thoughts
like a fucking waterfall
expose myself, my neediness, why do i have to write that FREAK. the truth is i know why. i want the approval, i want the attention.
like a histrionic person, only difference, awareness
attention. why approval and attention. why is there a quota
maslow blabla need people to appreciate who you are and what you do and so on and so forth but fucking why.
want the coldness and the i-dont-give-a-fuck attitude at the same time as openness and easy to talk to.
theres just nothing. will you be here to enjoy the ride when the theme park shuts down
play games, tease to please, smile to gain sympathy, a facade soliloquizing fatality,
and the nervous talk, the insecurity, what to say next, the right thing, what is it. god, that was stupid just shut the hell up and lock yourself in a small dark room and pretend existence never happened.

im going to get fucking shitfaced, flirt my ass off and have a one night stand. that is one thing that will boost my confidence. dance floors always do, cause you can see how they want you. you can tease, and please and play as you want. and everyone know it's a game.
countdown has started til THE outing in K. Right S :)
cause this weekend is not a partyweekend although i fucking need one.

it's like i lost an ability.
in the night and in the dreams. does it mean anything?
does the future mean anything? does it hold as much emptiness and worrying and thoughts as now?
will it be different? will it be something else in another place?
will thoughts go away? will the loneliness creep behind the lines and disappear?
everyone is so fucking lonely. inside. i know they are. and they hate it. the hate shines through the eyes
the hate of loneliness, the self-hate. the thoughts that are never-ending.
it's like an endless guitar riff, wailing, never fading.
i can see it in their eyes.

scream. i'll laugh you in your face tomorrow, or just ignore you till you die, you deserve it anyway. you deserve it because i feel like i have to prove myself, have to push you down and scream for me, i need your hungry gaze and your dirty propositions. i need them to feel in power, but i think most of all, i need them to chase away the loneliness. it does feel good knowing someone wants you.

O says:
nothing makes sense and whats the fucking point with anything
Alex says:
Exactly : D
Alex says:
Don't ask me. I'm made out of meat.
Alex says:
Bonus: Self-aware meat.
O says:
i hate the meat. it bulges, it's dirty, heavy, full of fat, it smells, it sags and it grows old and even nastier
O says:
it has needs
O says:
i dont want to need anything or anyone