Stay Gold

tired of second guessing myself and my own decisions. there is nothing but the now and here and the instant tiny mini decisions we make. like bringing a person home because it feels good. or telling someone a secret because you hate being alone with all the thoughts bouncing around. there might be a "this is wrong" but it doesn't really affect the decision in the end. or feeling like 16 again because you're terrified of getting a telling off from your parents. or feeling like 17 again because you are so numb you can't even begin to describe what is wrong or even recognize yourself in the mirror. or dreaming of impossible things because you feel like there's not enough to reality. or feeling like 18 again because you've realized being alone is allright since there are so many movies to watch, series to follow and books to read. feeling like 19 again getting lost in silly teenage novels that are really badly written but captivate you to no end. feeling like 20 again when you start to panic about life and get so paralyzed you just sit shaking and can't move for hours. feeling like 21 when you realize your just getting older and soon you will be 30 and have lost half your life to worrying and second guessing and panicking. and nothing good comes out of it. just obsessive thinking, broken hearts and neuroticism and alcoholism. the only time it's change is when you come away with a new obsession or a new thing to watch or read to numb your thoughts from running wild. like peeta mellark. for now.