2012

The snow is nice. It wraps everything up into a silent world.

is easy-going. It just is, happily accepting.

inspires awe, in its unrelenting ice cold breath.

is unforgiving, it tests you to your physical limits.

The silent awe-inspiring snow forces you to think.

There is great satisfaction in finishing a paper, go out into the snow with your sisters, and fool around until you're too exhausted to move anymore. Go inside, dinners ready, then movie and popcorn.

Autistic.

I just wish that some day, someone will stand up and fight for me.

Someday, there will be someone that doesn't give up on me half-way and just leave it all to the winds.

People don't get that when I push them away, that's when I need them the most, that's when I need them to fight for me. It's like some stupid test, to see if they want to be with me enough to fight for it.

Fuck it. I'm just autistic with minimal social skills. I've said it all along. It's just that I've gotten good at faking to be normal. Lately, not so good. It's like I'm still 16, needing to be loved so much that I'll do anything. Not being able to just be with myself. There's no use, just crawl back into the bed you came from.

It's what you do that defines you

"Deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you."

Henri Ducard: Your compassion is a weakness your enemies will not share.
Bruce Wayne: That's why it's so important. It separates us from them.

Alfred Pennyworth: Why do we fall sir? So we might learn to pick ourselves up
Bruce Wayne: You still haven't given up on me?
Alfred Pennyworth: Never.

Rachel Dawes: What chance does Gotham have when the good people do nothing?

Vilsen på djupet

Fått en flaska I huvet, legat sövd på akuten.
Varit död i minuter, hela själen var bruten.
Blivit jagad av snuten, varit vilsen på djupet.
Jag har famlat i mörker, men i dig såg jag ljuset.
Och för dig har jag låtsas, och dolt mina tårar.
Med dig blir jag mindre, som gubben I lådan.
Jag vägrar att inse [...]

(Gubben i lådan)

Jag har gått för långt, kan inte sluta gå
Hjärtat sitter utanpå, slår inte som det brukar slå
I ett ensamt rum, en sekund blir tusen år
För ljus att nå. Så djupa sår
Sjunker lite lägre för varenda gång jag vänder om
Men jag vänder om, än en gång
Orden fastnar halvvägs, jag vet inte hur jag bär mig åt
Samma gamla visa, men vet inte vad det är för låt

(Förlåt att jag aldrig sagt förlåt)

Here goes

I am not used to feeling this possessive. Or maybe possessive is the wrong word. Rather, needing confirmation of want and mutual feeling. Pushing it away might make the bird take flight, pulling it closer is also an invitation to escape. And neither seems to work; while the first can create mutual distrust, the second might annoy to a point of idiocy. It is known to have happened before. Maybe I am simply not used to this.

Also, I am known to be quite thoughtless, and will say or do whatever takes my fancy, which can bring normally placid people to the boil. Is content to lie around and easily bored too conflicting?