Champagne for my real friends

Last post of the year!! omg. a new year. new new. year. 08. isnt that strange? our calendar is really peculiar. Now. usually i make alot of new years vows and whatnot, but ive decided that im not gonna do that this year. because 1) you never fulfill whatever you promise, and if you happen to succeed you end up with something you never really wanted from the beginning (like when i made a vow to work out more and harder and not eat sweets and unhealthy stuff, i ended up with anorexia) 2) for most part, the vows just make you feel bad about yourself, that you're a lousy, shitty person who's so useless cause you cant fulfill your vows.
I can say this though. This year, my self-confindence will improve, I am who I am, I don't need anyone else's approval. If im not good enough for people, well then im not, sorry. and im not gonna wait around for things to happen, or wait cause someone cant keep up, im gonna have fun. i can also say another thing. this coming year im turning 18. and that party is gonna be a hell of a party. a piece of heaven. the third thing is. deppressiveness is part of me so it will never be completely off the agenda. but sometimes she says, "i wish i was happier". so what makes people happy?? hey, people should vow to be more happy, not to work out harder.
Seen this room and walked this floor...

From lostprophets "can't catch tomorrow":
A little piece of me grows old
I keep on walking down this road
I've seen a million people change
But I won't stay the same

A new year. New possibilities. Well. Everyday is a new possibility. So go out change something for the better. attitude maybe. or perspective. is that person you hate really as horrible as you'd like to think? i dont think so. bend the rules, create your own, and for goddess sake, live outside the fucking box. face your fears and grow for once. look into the crystal, what do you see?

From Fall Out Boy's "Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends":
Strike us like matches, cause everyone deserves the flames
We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame
At least everyone is trying, everyone is shining
Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame
Such a shame

Well I dunno what will happen tonight, i feel kinda off. i wanted more heaven but they had run out. får klara mej på champagne, men det är inte fel. like only one person i know at that party. gosh. yeah well, now im gonna get into the shower and feel the water droplets trickling down my skin. have a great new start of the year, cause i will have the awesomeliest time in Uppsala!!! :D perfect beginning of a new year ^^ See you 2008 guys!!

A piece of heaven

Following excerpt is from http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/1516?page=3

In order to move toward a state of sustained contentment, Joel had to settle a few fundamental questions—ones that all of us can ask ourselves: "Am I living my own life, the life that expresses who I authentically am? Or am I simply living the way my culture and family and the people around me think I should be living? What do I need to do and who do I need to be to feel authentically myself?" If you ask yourself these questions and listen for the answers, surprising shifts will occur. And these shifts will hold the clues to your personal path to contentment.

Sally is just remarkable, wonderful, a genius. Do you live the life you want?

Writing is who I am. That's why I keep this blog. It allows me to write every day if I like. Doesn't have to be serious or anything, just write, words, meaning or no meaning. Watching a Johnny Depp interview - he also talks about outsiders of society. Just like Gerard Way. Just like so many of us do. Renegades, failures, outsiders, who label all these people? The only failures I see are the ones who try to fit in. You can't be something that's not you.

More from the same article:

Because we live in a culture that values the dream of being "special," of having a big destiny that drives us even when we don't know it, the experience of real alignment often comes when you allow yourself to be—well, ordinary.

Ehe. Just to contradict what was earlier said. Special, ordinary, outsider, fit in. What is what and what makes us who we are? I'm definitely under that drive. A secret dream of a big destiny. A secret dream of some far-off fantasy place. Aren't we all small, potential superheroes? Maybe not everyone, but I can think of a few people atleast. The people I know would save me, they are my superheroes.

Man. I think I just found a piece of heaven, even if my mouth was totally fucked up afterwards, it was amazing. Best time I've had in a long long time. Thanks for everything g..n.. :D:D:D Infected Mushroom are really good.. live with some heaven, oh god, mewant!!

And they lived happily ever after

some old MCR's.. hope i'll see them soon again, going to the uk. :D:D if they only could put up their tour dates... here's headfirst for halos:

And now the red ones make me fly,
And the blue ones help me fall,
And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling.
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts,

And we'll fly home,
We'll fly home,
You and I,
We'll fly home.

And Lostprophets. Amazing. Wanna see. Everyday Combat:

Bar Fight, week night
You don't look right, poor mite, no bite
Wake up, first light
This is what we live and what we see...
Dance club, strip light
Get drunk, no sight, watch it ignite
Live it up tonight
Nobody really cares, but it's not for me...

So raise your glass my son
We're telling everyone

Living in everyday combat
Day to day commuter riot
Shot down, Dancing in the DMZ
(And we)
Walk on, streets on fire
Caged in with razor wire
Shot down, living in the DMZ
Living in the DMZ

Times up, let's go, all that we know
Release tension, you're my hero
After dark, terror in the town high street
And I know you can't stop full throttle
Get involved mate, broken bottle
(Invasion) Panic on the cold concrete

So raise your glass my son
We're telling everyone...

I saw Enchanted. hahahahahaha ME LOVE XD omg it was the silliest, most romantic bad disney ever.. and me likey.. my sis, who btw has neonPINK hair nowadays, was like "omg, i must be sick or smth, i cant like this" ^^ And we watched final fantasy VII advent children in japanese without subs, and we understood pretty well.. then we watched the devil wears prada for like the tenth time.. and ive also been watching some gossip girl.. all i an all, a day infront of the computer and at the movies.. <3

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Sexy underwear, booze and money. All I wanted for christmas. Almost.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead

As the holiday, the holy day, draws nearer, i isolate myself, dedicate mysef to lonely nights of candlelight, the shadows flickering over my face. The finest dress, of midnight flowing fabric, thin silver chains. And a skirt, it was black. Svart tyll, flera lager. And a billowing, pink hem. Lovely lovely pink. It was beautiful. Walking those goth streets, a reminisce of pale faces, without hope, and red, painfully red, tears. And reading. Short stories of tormenting beauty and excruciating pain, of renegades and failures. And that was only by chance, i picked the booklet up from a set of stairs, leading up from the street to some place i didnt go. and started to read. and one of the characters read sylvia plath, she wanted to die. and i looked it up.

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone else in neither category. Here she is. Sylvia.

Cinderella

The prince leans to the girl in scarlet heels,
Her green eyes slant, hair flaring in a fan
Of silver as the rondo slows; now reels
Begin on tilted violins to span

The whole revolving tall glass palace hall
Where guests slide gliding into light like wine;
Rose candles flicker on the lilac wall
Reflecting in a million flagons' shine,

And glided couples all in whirling trance
Follow holiday revel begun long since,
Until near twelve the strange girl all at once
Guilt-stricken halts, pales, clings to the prince

As amid the hectic music and cocktail talk
She hears the caustic ticking of the clock.

I just got so aware of ticking clocks, just because i read all this. Here is some more for you.

Doom of Exiles

Now we, returning from the vaulted domes
Of our colossal sleep, come home to find
A tall metropolis of catacombs
Erected down the gangways of our mind.

Green alleys where we reveled have become
The infernal haunt of demon dangers;
Both seraph song and violins are dumb;
Each clock tick consecrates the death of strangers

Backward we traveled to reclaim the day
Before we fell, like Icarus, undone;
All we find are altars in decay
And profane words scrawled black across the sun.

Still, stubbornly we try to crack the nut
In which the riddle of our race is shut.

i found beautiful white little wish candles today, but i didnt buy them. what if i had written a wish on a piece of old parchment, wrapped it round the little candle and burnt it, the wish rising with the smoke to the gods. More Plath:

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

What is it that we really see when we look in a mirror?? i mean, a mirror can only show what is true, a reflection, but we are not objective when we look in it. we see so many things that migt not be true, so many lies, so many pains and hurts and fallacies. we only see what's ugly and wrong and things we don't like. we are bad at seeing beauty when it's right there before our eyes. why are we so bad i wonder.

im writing a song about the snakecharmer's child. let these fangs sink low, green blood will set you free, but the blue blood wont save you. a broken flute.

Berättelsen om O

The song that haunts me over and over and over is "Miserable at best" by Mayday Parade:

This is for Soph. love you. want to be by your side more than anyone elses right now. "Don't cry, I know. You're trying your hardest. And the hardest part is letting go." Even though no one seems to understand, I know what you're going through. So just let me be by your side, and I hope I'm good for something.

This is for me and everyone else out there who don't seem to get anywhere in life and keep whining about it and feeling stupid and silly for not being able to do anything about it, frustration, anger, pain, emptiness, being alone even though surrounded by friends. "And the hardest part of living. Is just taking breaths to stay."

And this is a constant feeling. What the fucking hell am I doing here in the first place?! "Because I know I'm good for something. I just haven't found it yet. But I need it."

Reading "Berättelsen om O" av Pauline Réages. It's an erotic novel. It's quite interesting, and I've been intending to read it for quite some time now, because of the titel. I just had to find out more about this mysterious O. Since I also call myself O at times it was interesting to make a comparison. It's a really good book actually. Been reading and sleeping alot lately, makes me feel secure, locked inside imaginative worlds, nothing can hurt me there, not even myself. But back to the book. O has a lover. He takes her to a castle somewhere in France, where she is introduced in the rituals of a very strange order. The "masters" are all men of course, or to be honest, the masters are their penises, and the servant girls who are brought there have to obey every wish and whim of the masters. På nätterna piskas de, och också om de brutit mot någon regel eller etikett (blicken ska vara fäst vid "the master", man får på inga villkor titta männen i ögonen, inget prat i korridorerna, svara bara på tilltal etc). Under dagarna agerar de som servants, med det undantaget att männen äger deras kroppar in every sense. Sexually abused beyond sanity, piskade, våldtagna, over and over, every imaginable humiliation, free for every man at the castle to take whenever he wants, chained at hands and neck, chained to the wall when they are supposed to "sleep" (if none of the masters intend to play with her). It's a really intriguing book. Terrible in a way but still intersesting how O just suffers through everything of this because she trusts her lover, the man who brought her there, she loves him beyond reason. Even when she's raped continually from behind, and he's watching, even when they piskar henne tills det blöder och hon skriker av vansinne, and he's watching it all, she still loves him. They own her in every sense, she's all theirs.

Gonna continue reading now. And then I'll sleep.

Lipstick Lullabies

Lussevaka. Var härligt. :) Ruled the dancefloor, we were awesome. I didn't drink too much, had just perfectly perfect amount in my body, maybe a little more. Hookade med random snyggingar. Haha. Vad är problemet? Jag hade kul. Sov typ två timmar. Vaknar, helt yr hela dagen, ara undrade om jag var på lsd. nej, faktiskt inte. men det var ett skämt. annat som hände idag var att jag försökte prata med n på en bänk, och jag tror inte han gillar mej så. jag kände mej fett dissad iaf. jaja. jag kommer säkert deppa fett mkt över det, men inte just nu för nu måste jag plugga till biologiprovet imorron. oh joy. köpte plattång <3<3 hehe, förtidig julklapp. (Y)

Mayday Parade - "Miserable At Best"

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

Hiding with eyes shut, safe place

The Used. Is all I need. Burn away, all thought, all sound, everything around me. Do you feel ok? I've said it a hundred times and I say it again, don't pay any attention to the crap I write. This is therapy, right? And therapy isn't all roses. But she likes the song, she likes it, she likes it. Maybe she'll dangle, maybe she'll do it. Jack's Mannequin is another brilliant band. Beautiful, easygoing, a little bittersweet. And Mayday Parade. Wonderful. Men kan inte jämföras med tungviktarna The Used och 30 seconds to Mars. I personify myself by those bands, their songs are me, identification, hey, they found me. Got three songs right now, first time I heard each of them, they just immediatelly connected to the core of my being, went right into the very bones. Oblivion - 30 seconds to Mars, The Bird and the Worm - The Used, The third temptation of Paris - Alesana. Other The Used songs that help me get through my days: Listening, Pretty Handsome Awkward, Sound Effects and Overdramatic, Hospital, Paralyzed, Wake the dead.

Do you feel okay? (okay)
You look pretty low
Pretty low, pretty low
Pretty handsome awkward

"The Bird And The Worm"

He wears his heart
safety pinned to his backpack
His backpack is all that he knows
Shot down by strangers
whose glances can cripple
the heart and devour the soul

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he crawls
like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

Out of his mind away
pushes him whispering
must have been out of his mind
mid-day delusions of pushing this out of his head
maybe out of his mind

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

"Hospital"

This feeling never leaves you alone
You pull the trigger on your own
You're hiding in your safe place
Hiding with your eyes shut tightly all the way to the hospital

Now will you ever rest your head
You end up feeling mostly dead
Pretending you're the last one
Hiding with your eyes shut tight on the way to the hospital

[Refrain:]
Before I cross my heart and hope to die at all
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars
Before I cross my eyes I'm gonna give it up
Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars

It never used to hurt before it isn't funny anymore
Feeling so alone now funny how you wish some way that you'll die at the hospital

You're quiet on the car ride home, you're waiting for your head to explode
You're hiding in your safe place
Hiding with your eyes shut tightly all the way to the hospital

[Refrain]

Will you look them in the face
Could you look me in the face
Three cheers you fooled them all [x2]
Come on now hip hip hooray

Maybe she'll dangle

She wrote a song today. A song about a pathetic, sad, little girl. She's crying right now. But she likes the song.

Every emotion she held dear
She gave away, gave in to fear
And shrank even more, day by day
Maybe she doesn’t want to stay

No promise in his eyes
Still no fake behind the lies
An all-over pain of going insane
Maybe, she’ll jump, in front of next train

Watch her reflection, as sanity fades
In her eyes, see how death parades

There is a special store
For people with hearts as sore
They go there and get some pills
Maybe she’ll try it, it kills

Watch her reflection, as sanity fades
In her eyes, see how death parades

Now her hands are always cold
The devil smiled, her soul she sold
Held out her empty hands, as if to strangle
Maybe she’ll try it, maybe she’ll dangle

Every action, she took the blame
Drowning slowly, in her own shame
Some people say, the solution, a knife
Maybe she’ll do it; maybe she’ll take her own life

Watch her reflection, as sanity fades
In her eyes, see how death parades

Death parades, death parades
Death parades, death parades
[whisper] death parades, death parades…

Shango is a great store

The Used is an amazing band. Love.

More Lawllicopters to the people. Imao.

It's hard to say

the singer finished singing and she's walking out
the singer sheds a tear fear of falling out
and it's hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

my worries weigh the world how i used to be
and everything(i'm cold) seems a plague in me
and its hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

I caught fire

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin...

(I'm melting, Im melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
Why cuts aren't healing
(why cuts aren't healing)
Learning how to love

I'm a fake

[Spoken:]
Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife