1.30.2008

With smiles on our faces


When silence means more than words.
Should I just leave?
When happy pretend games create an illusion of closeness.
Should I just drop my defences?
When what I don't want turns into jealousy.
Should I just blame someone else?
When I don't want to go.
Should I just stop telling myself what to do?

Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to SCREAM!! [psychotic laughter]

1.29.2008

Welcome to the world baby cousin

Today my cousin was born. Haven't seen her yet. It feels really strange to think that I have a tiny little baby cousin, and that T and Å are parents now.. Don't think I've grasped it yet...

If I were to plan a Valentine's party, say hypothetically, I would love to play all sorts of romantic music. Kinda cheezy maybe, but it would just set the perfect mood... But then again, the song that came to mind was "The truth is you should lie with me" by Say Anything, where the lyrics go like: "You’re a pretty face, you should like me. I want to get used by you, 'cause i’m full of hate, just excite me, i want to get bruised by you." Only one word for songs like that: AWESOME!!

Preppy school uniforms with plated mini skirts and knee socks is just so delicious.

this blog just got purged. tired of old posts.

1.28.2008

Hyper-Insomnia-Para-Condrioid

Cant wait til London. :3 Camden markets + SUM41 :D:D:D

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy,
But no one believes me,
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing can save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have


Sum 41 - There's no solution

maybe nothing else will ever be so clear
or maybe that's only my fear
If just for one day I wish I could disappear
Just take me far from here
maybe I'll find out nothing new
maybe I'll end up just like you

there's no solution
give me truth to my conviction
is my own confusion
reality or fiction
am I out of my mind?

1.27.2008

Don't wait around

All we have is now. Don't wait around for something to happen, something that will change you into the person you want to be. Become that person. Now. People don't change because it's easier not to. Don't go the easy way.
This is just another someone trying to find their way, their place, their self.
It's scary when you loose your way... Don't let fear take over.

K: You've had like the biggest crush on her for years..
L: Mom, guys don't have crushes..
K: So what do guys have? The hots?
L: God mom, no! Where do you come up with all this stuff??

1.22.2008

I've been crossing some lines, that most folks wont


Be not afraid of life. :3

I'm gonna find a nice tie in London, I can feel it.

"Very few people would fall in love if they had never heard of it". Now that is the power of words.

Misunderstandings. Nobody sees the world in the same way, which makes us quite alone, doesn't it. One world for every human.

Why I am hiding. hiding I am why? am I hiding? why?

Say Anything - Total Revenge

When I like you it's total revenge.
I want to, but I can pretend
that I don't need to be by your side again.

Wrap me up in a plastic case.
Pat me down with your warm embrace.
I wanna know where you've laid your face at night for all these years.

You're a problem that I can't abide.
I could sleep well, if only I tried
But I stay up and dream of a bride to be.

Oh me! Oh my!
Give it up! I can't wait no more.
I am stuck on your bedroom floor
With the thought that I may not be
As great as those who came before.

There's a man assigned to me
And he checks on my stability.
We discuss you every week.
Then I rinse and rinse, repeat.

But maybe, I can show you, baby!
Maybe, I can relax for good, whoa, baby!
I can show you... maybe... baby.

There's a man assigned to me
And he checks on my stability.
We discuss you every week.
Then I rinse and rinse, repeat.

And he charges by the tear,
'till I weep no more, strictly out of fear
That I can't afford your love.
And the moon just burns above.

The Academy Is - Bulls in Brooklyn

Some people have it and other people don’t
You been making some threats got my name and address
I’m Breaking habits you don’t want to know
Although I’m wearing my clothes I’m feeling cold and exposed yeah
Whoa Whoa oh oh oh
don’t say you miss me you probably don’t
Well I've been crossing some lines
That most folks wont yeah
Whoa whoa oh oh oh
don’t say you’re more than this, or above all this
With your blah blah blah and all your friends
don't Say you think you know when you know you don’t
Cause tonight the bulls are in Brooklyn and you’re still at home
Whoa oh whoa oh oh oh

From First to Last - The latest plague

Fake faces everywhere I see
Fake people looking back at me
Sit down, don't tell me
Don't tell me where I don't belong

Oh,I heard a sick, sad voice
Oh,it was honesty, I turned to her and said
we need to be medicated
and you're the prescription
For a forced out vision
If you're with me
We'll send the critics to hell
With the sound of our voices

From First to Last - Waltz Moore

I can’t eat anything
Without shoving my hands down my throat
And I refuse to meet the world without smearing on makeup
With my hair blinding my eyes
Oh, blinding my eyes

I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen my own eyes
Or the color of my skin
Do you know what it’s like to feel ugly all the time?

I stretch myself across the world
Pushing my limits
For your entertainment and
You had the nerve
To call out my weaknesses and
drag me through the dirt

I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen my own eyes
Or the color of my skin
Do you know what it’s like to feel ugly all the time?

Ooh
I’m staring in the mirror
Looking back at the person I hate

1.20.2008

I slept with someone in Fall Out Boy - no but I wish I did


Brothers and sisters,

To get over someone, you have to get under someone else.

This is gonna be a blog post about my fascination with yaoi!! Nah, just kiddin. But dont deny the kawaiiness of it. OK, so, i got a fetish for bisexual. Girl/girl in all glory, but it's yaoi (waow, cant believe the japs even have a word for it!!) that is kawaii. Boy/boy, i just think it's so cute!!
Oh, and by the way, I read somewhere at some webpage dissing immature computer language, kinda like lolz, that the use of two exclamation marks at the end of a sentence "is just freaky". So, considering the love i have for all things freaky, I adopted these two exclamation marks. Only when i want to make a really important point, like the one above: yaoi rocks!!

Mwehehe, now we have a Pete Wentz tattoo on our wall here!! Plus more lyrics. I just adore this place!! and i made a permanent marker one on my arm aswell mwehe.

"I know more than I can say" - Michael Polanyi
"How often misused words generate misleading thoughts" - Herbert Spencer

would want to put two exclamation marks after the last quote. ffs, think, speak, what you mean, please.

I love the part in romantic movies where "words can only do harm". She/he goes "But.." and he/she goes "sshh.." Fingertips on lips, moving closer, and the eyes...
Most misused phrase in movies: "How do you know my name??" (two question marks are equally freaky according to purist logic) I wish I could get to use that line sometime, in a pleasant situation that is...

Dance, dance, we're falling apart..

I love travelling by train. Here by the window, a melancholic sunshine making shadows flicker through the compartment, the landscape outsisde flickering past like the many lives, the souls around me. I often make up stories about their lives, who they are, what they love, my fellow train goers. Seeing a platform disappearing in the distance has such a sad, bittersweet feeling to it, even though there's no one you know standing there. It's a reminder of our constant losses.

Sugar, we're going down..

"Language is rather like money - it has no intrinsic value, but a socially constructed purpose." From our ToK book. I love that. What if the socially constructed purpose of money would disappear?

Fall Out Boy - 7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)

I'm sleeping my way out of this one
With anyone who will lie down
I'll be stuck fixated on one star
When the world is crashing down

I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking in through blinds
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type

Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well
Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own

The only thing worse than not knowing
Is you thinking that I don't know
I'm having another episode
I just need a stronger dose

What if there is so much more, things we dont even see, notice at all, because their concepts dont exist in our minds??

At peace with oneself?? I just need a stronger dose..

xo xo

1.15.2008

As my colors fade out


Today was a tired day. But yesterday was a very good day. Am glad c and me started talking again.. some of the pain went away.. And my cutie sis was here, with her pink hair and her new piercing, and we saw Atonement. Amazing movie. the beginning is a bit "jaha", you dont quite get it, but the longer you watch, the clearer you see, and in the end, the brilliance of it all comes crashing down on you with the force of a tsunami. Googled some emo haircuts, wanna do my bangs pink/black/blond.

I've been drinking to the bottom of too many bottles
What truth I hoped I'd find there, I don't know
All the hurt and all the shame
No one else but myself to blame
For all the pain, nothing will ever be the same
And all I got is self-sorry, bad excuses
For poisoning myself to insanity
To get out of the crawling skin
With alcohol scented breath
She swallows me, takes hold of my body
She'd keep on drinking, like no tomorrow
All that's left, a reckless whore
drinking until collapse, I vomit
A walking destruction, she'd drag you down
Not by intention, but by recklessness
Big mouth, greedy eyes, she's thirsty
Got a hunger no one would ever be able to satisfy
The blackouts. I wake up and She is gone
Left in the wake of nausea, self-hate, anger and pain
It gets worse knowing She is Me, I am Her
Gone. Can't remember. What She, what We
did last night. Chaos.

Go to the places you never went before. Explore. Yourself. Others. Places.

Here are the songs inside my head. They're all increadibly beautiful, especially watch me bleed.

Los Angeles - Sugarcult

I want a girl, girl that won't talk back
And a job, job that gives me slack
And a car, car that won't break down
In the heat of Los Angeles
Want to go, go without a map
Far away, away, I won't get trapped
By the sound, a town, the sun beats down
In the heat of Los Angeles

One more holiday
I will not celebrate
I'm almost desperate
Cause I'm down, I'm down, I'm so beat down

This city's killing me
I want, I want, I want everything
This city's killing me
In the heat of Los Angeles

I want a love, love that won't hit back
Want sex, sex without a catch
Want a face, to trust, to feel, to lust
In the heat of Los Angeles
Want to FUCK, FUCK, FUCK this up
Gonna feel, feel, feel you up
Had enough, enough, enough's enough
In the heat of Los Angeles

This city's killing me
I want, I want, I want everything
This city's killing me
In the heat of Los Angeles
What has become of me?
I want, I want, I want everything
This city's killing me
(I want everything)

Come on, come on
It's alive and breathing
Come on, come on
Come alive today
Come on, come on
It's a heartless beating
The sun is burning down Los Angeles
Los Angeles
Los Angeles

A pistol to my temple - Scary kids scaring kids

if i flew into a mountain
burned myself to nothing
that would be something, would it be enough?

a pistol to my temple
pull the triger like its nothing,
that would be something but its never enough

this is all an illusion,
what do you take me for?
it makes no difference what i do for you
i would give you my life
but it just wont ever be enough

Watch Me Bleed - Scary kids scaring kids

The silence keeps it easy
keeps you safe for the moment.
As you're walking away
your foot steps get louder.
All you needed was time
now time will destroy us.

It will all be over and here we are
we're stuck inside this salted earth together.
You'll pierce my lungs
my limbs go numb
as my colors fade out.

You watch me bleed.
You watch me bleed.

I gave you everything to die with a smile
all you wanted was to live for a while
you took everything but it left you empty
you can't replace me, you can't.

1.14.2008

The flaws are universal


Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:
Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
Desire for improved social relations
Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

try it out for yourself.

1.13.2008

Vampires will never hurt you


amazing speed at this place. sugarcult, head automatica, motion city soundtrack and scary kids scaring kids. im having fun.

Wearing silk pyjamas doesn’t take away the pain
Of the sunburns on my insides
I will never forget, this beautiful summer’s rain
As you left and I got wet
Everything I said and did, it was all in vain
You just wouldn’t listen

I like this house. It feels as if I’ve always known this place, lived here before, a long time ago. The artistic chaos, the lyrics and childish drawings on the walls, the wooden balks in the ceiling, the wind chimes, the homemade ceramic cups with coffee and milk, freshly baked buns with lots of butter, melting. The candles, the kittens, the handmade rugs, the colourful blankets, the mishmash of clothes, the large cushions, the pieces of art and decoration, a mix of flee market finds and home made stuff, of old and new. Nothing quite fits in, nothing quite matches, but that’s exactly what makes the whole place so incredibly beautiful and homely. If I would call any place home, this would be it. Except that I don’t really have a room here, and it’s only the second time I’m here. It’s a place to belong. Just as chaotic as me.

Everything is Alright – Motion City Soundtrack

Tell me that you're alright
yeah everything is alright.
oh please tell me that you're alright.
yeah everything is alright.

Give me a reason to end this discussion,
To break with tradition, to fold and divide.
'Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes,
Talking with strangers, waiting in line.
I'm through with these pills that make me sit still.
Are you feeling fine?
Yes, I feel just fine.

Tell me that you're alright.
yeah everything is alright.
oh please tell me that you're alright.
yeah everything is alright.

I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous
Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling.
Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire!

I used to rely on self-medication.
I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I'm getting better at fighting the future.
Someday you'll be fine.
Yes, I'll be just fine.

And now I'm gonna watch gossip girl, before i have to head for grandma's place, oh joy. atleast i'll get yummy food and get to drift into a waking ZzZ while pretending to listen to all scandals in the neighbourhood. nah, i like my grandparents, it's just that they don't know me, and i don't know them.

long philosophical discussions with my mom. about the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

xo xo

1.12.2008

Technically it's the same face


in the beginning there was the word.

in every face lies the potential of a thousand other faces. i mean, think of it, every time you look into a mirror, you see a different face. technically it's the same face, but depending on what's going on in your mind at that particular moment, you perceive it, reflect upon it, in different ways. some times im cute, sometimes im the ugliest in the world. sometimes i dont even know who im looking at. who the fuck is that self-sorry little narcissistic shit? or, who the fuck is that vulnerable little child? my own eyes eluding me. my mouth getting spider legs, scurrying its way up my cheek. sometimes blank, an empty nothingness. who is inhabitating this body i never seem to get along with?

today i thought of death again. what's the point of all this. easy doesn't mean right, but sometimes the thought of disappearing gets so tempting. and no, im not being dramatic, it's a very matter-of-fact statement, nothing dramatical at all. im sick and tired of all the drama. why lunge yourself into a storm when you can remain calm och inte låta petitesser påverka.

When you read Paul Auster, your life gets a dream-like quality. whatever situation i find myself in, it feels like im outside all thats happening, outside myself. and you notice strange things, or strange things happen...

i didnt know mum had cats. she has apparently. they're the cutest ever and i love them.

today i thought of friendship again. getting to know someone is complicated. so much easier when you were a kid and could share in fantasies instead, a game you all took part in. thinking and talking screw things up. talking is not the same connection. soul to soul connection. i wanna be able to play like kids do, build up a whole imaginary world and live in it. for some hours being able to be absorbed in a complete fantasy.

quote of the day from Inevitable by Anberlin, a really beautiful song:
"Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love"

fuck. this is just a really fucked up experiment. and we can't help eachother, not even ourselves.

1.10.2008

with bruises on her ego and

Våren gryr i vinterns trakter
där jag frös
Jag vill möta livets makter
vapenlös

satt o läste dikter helt spontant på svenskan. karin boye.
dont know who wrote this. feels like that's me, a function of everything that doesn't work. atleast sometimes.

att vara en funktion av allt som inte fungerar
att vara något annat eller inte vara alls

and look what i found. some old fake diary entries i made for a character from the Moon Palace, Paul Auster.

"For example, this peculiar behaviour of writing nonsense on Sundays; I live through a whole week without noticing anything. Time flies. And then I find myself back on a Sunday, wondering where all the time went. Was that another week? I’m only fully awake on Sundays! It’s horrible! I make the same promises every Sunday; this week I will not fall asleep! This week I will actually be awake to experience the things happening, live in the here and now, cherish every moment, do that Zen-thing etc etc. But I never succeed. Time is a golden cage created by humans to be their very own prison."
"It’s like a veil has been parted, and now I can finally look at things and see them as they really are. See their true form without those coloured glasses we hide ourselves behind. My mind is almost free!"
"When you’re holding a pen, it’s you who are God. You have the chance to alter the world. You are the author of your own life."
"I want my life to be beautiful; I want my words to be beautiful. Think to be able to deliver magic, right on a piece of paper. To let the one who eventually is reading the manifestation of your thoughts become entirely overwhelmed by emotion. Just give me time…"

This was where dream, fiction and reality merged into one. The journey of the protagonist also became my journey.

Following song would have been so true for me if it wasnt so that ive forced that smile out of my mind, forced myself to not be affected by those eyes, forced myself to forget you, since you turned away, since you got quiet.

Sugarcult - "Pretty Girl"

pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love. [2x]

pretty girl... pretty girl...

pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out: you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you cry.
it's the way that he's in your mind.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love...

1.09.2008

Gunslinger by Avenged Sevenfold


She had an earthquake on her mind.

"I have begun to feel that the story I am trying to tell is somehow incompatible with language, that the degree to which it resists language is an exact measure of how closely I have come to saying something important, and that when the moment arrives for me to say the one truly important thing (assuming it exists), I will not be able to say it."
- Paul Auster

Reduced to tears, everyday, for what I did. I never cry. Not cry as in actually cry. I cry when I've hurt someone.

Words that are too hard to say I can write here. It's a comfort. Maybe they mean nothing to no one but me, but seeing the actual words out there is comforting.

C. If you're reading this. Jag saknar dig. Det gör ont. Voices of a distant star, maybe that connection was just my imagination.

I'm a runner, I keep on running. I think I'm secretely hoping that someone someday will just follow, stop me.

I cried when walking away after biology class. I cried on the bus home, again. It was dark. Small puddles of rainwater reflecting the shades of black hunting eachother in the night sky. The perfect soundtrack in my ears, a playlist I call "Miracles, when you believe".
This immense sadness, this belief.
I'm human, after all, like everyone else. We make mistakes, some more than others.
Even when darkness seems to enclose us, we must find those slight glimpses of hope. To go on. The world turns.
So I made a list, or rather, G helped me think of the bright sides of my life.
1. My mother. Never been better between us. I love her.
2. Sara. Light of my life. Where would I be without you?
3. G. So fucking happy we worked things out.
4. Paul Auster. Reading, reading, reading.
5. MUSIC. Without it I would die. New lovers: Anberlin.
(And if Mads and all other amazing people out there should happen to read this - I love you too, so extremely much I fail to find words for it.)

Sometimes you wish some things never would have happened.

1.07.2008

All we are is bullets


MyChem tribute.
In the middle of a gun fight, in the center of a restaurant...
Give me all your poison, give me all your pills, and give me all your hopeless hearts and make me ill...
When both our cars collide...
Did you come to stare, or wash away the blood?
From the earth to the morgue, morgue, morgue...
All we are, is bullets, I mean this!
Fire at will.
Not much a poet but a criminal..
When every starfall brought you to tears again..
The last thing I see...
Mama, we all go to hell.
It's really quite pleasant
Except for the smell,
Mama, we all go to hell.

1.06.2008

the reason by hoobastank

NEJ MEN VILL JAG ATT DET SKA HANDLA OM FUCKING MEJ????? HAR JAG SAGT DET KANSKE????
JAG ÄR INTE KORKAD, JAG FATTAR ATT JAG INTE SKAFFAR VÄNNER PÅ DET HÄR VISET
JAG VILL FUCKING INTE VARA I CENTRUM
makes me so angry. and i cant even explain it to her
AND IM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT MY LIFE
I FUCKING NEVER INTENDED TO HURT ANYONE

msn:
you've messed up a few times when under the influence haha.. i think if you could you'd take it back yeah,, if some things never happened you'd want that right?
assuming you can't change yourself,, you can change your actions - as you said, you were gonna stop drinking right? voila,, a step in the right direction.
i have yet to see better judgement from you i think
you have yet to become responsible and realistic..

i am changing. for everyone who also is trying, its not that easy, and its far more complicated than i could explain. i never said i wasnt trying. life is choice.
everyone ask me this:
are you going to change?
i am changing. everyone is. every second that goes by, we are changing
but i know what u meant
and yes
i am changing
i dont like who i become when drinking that much
it's not me

“People are afraid of what’s inside and that’s the only place they’re ever gonna find what they need.”


so afraid.

1.05.2008

Heartbeats by José Gonzales


That song should be listened to while reading this. put it on repeat.

What does life look like, from the bright side?
Photos of social success on facebook, who are these people?
those ghosts by your side...

Chocolat can’t protect me, not even pages of make-belief
And my eyes are still shut, will I ever see?

I'm talking to my toothbrush. It's like psychiatrist sessions, but much more confidential stuff.

We are here for a reason. possibly.

Death enchants us, to some it gives a release, thinking about it, the freedom of choice. What if I would die this very moment?
When I thought about it today, the people around me at the platform distracted me. Their faces, their expressions, their eyes.
And I thought. this is a fucking big place. We are more alone than we can imagine.
The bonds between different people; a couple, five friends, a mother and her son, a man and his father. The bonds we share with others is really all we got.

All we hold on to. Eachother.

Why do I panic?
it feels like there's no one to hold on to.
i don't feel any bonds, not anymore, theres nothing.

We are here for a reason. possibly. We are here to learn.

night to be confused.

I'm tired of robot state.

i think im crossing the Wall. not to look for a fallen star, no, but to search for a place which would feel more like "home".

"Not a perfect person"

So what are those bonds between people? I'm really really curious, because it seems like they can be easily broken just by will.

One last breath.

What would you do if you found out that you were going to die tomorrow?

So for you who haven't lost track of your bonds. Hold on to these people, be true to them, and be true to yourself, and don't ever forget to tell them over and over how much you love them.

Human life really is fascinating. Can be such an asshole sometimes.

So Close - Jon McLaughlin

Listen to it. It makes me cry. every time.

Is your life another empty space of waiting. waiting for some thing. something.
waiting on an empty platform for a train that will never come. why do we spend our lives going somewhere instead of just being?

The scary little girl's evil eyes followed my every step, marked me out as an outsider, i don't belong, don't belong.

And a last thing. All this hrm toothbrush talk overshadows what was a wonderful time at kudde's place. <3 miss you already, calling monday, crucification in school. and i was also to mention the very best awesomliest place in uppsala, dont miss if visting: Svamptorget. vet inte vart det ligger riktigt men de hade god pizza. och namnet säger allt, det är ett skönt ställe, svamptorget.