10.31.2008

Holiday week


So. It has been quite an interesting week. I just have to go over it in my mind to sort things out. Mon - what the fuck did i do this day? Tue - computer hunting + surreal weather + kudds came. Wed - kudds day + crazy party (yes i will talk about that later). Thu - hungover, just eating crap food and bothering people with my randomness. also late night Bond premiere. fri - well the day hasn't progressed very far but i guess i will be shopping with m, then homework and sleeeep since i haven't had a good nights sleep in ages. sat - party. sun - stuff. yes. there it is.

The crazy party. well umm, no names. Just know that I got really high and it was amazingly nice to be high again. i wasn't even angry someone stole half my vodka, because where i was, was a nice place and i didn't need the vodka anyway.
And i talked to this really nice girl who i hope i will talk to more. and that umm people from the class surprised me. and that at one point of the evening, my two closest girl-friends magically disappeared and [dot, dot, dot].

So. Now kudds has left and it's a bit lonely around here. Logging on to msn, hoping a certain person will be online but alas no. Stay tuned.
trying to force myself to deal with the homework pile but i just don't know where to start. how the fuck am i supposed to write a ToK essay?

Anyway. [note all the intelligent linking words in this post] Looking forward to saturday, a little at least, i mean if wednesday was interesting, this could be interesting too. especially if another certain person show up. and also because i can annoy the brats who are going. im gonna watch them get so shitfaced they forget who they are. and laugh. in an evil way.

So. I'm gonna go as Prince Charming, isn't that charming? the guys are gonna take me for a lesbo, but hey, i don't mind since there are no hot guys going anyway. besides, i will strip and swim in the pool, so i think i will make up for my manliness by showing off some well-proportioned body pieces. that sounded like a complete carnage but i hope you guys understand that im not a psycho.

Anyway. I hate ebuddy. and now i can cross out two things on my "wanted" list. cell phone and laptop. because yes i got what i wanted. almost. i mean, it's not a macbook but i'll live. someday, i know i will get a macbook.

So. what else is new in the philosophical jungle? that im not very philosophical today and rather talk about shallow stuff like alcohol, parties, weed, technology, clothes etc. those moments are kinda great, when you slip out of your Mexi-coma and start focusing on shallow stuff instead. life is much easier lived in a shallow manner.

Anyway. i can't stay and chat because i really really need to do my homework now.

10.28.2008

Change your default settings


can you be bitter from the sweet?
resent the eaten fruit, the tasted honey?
curse paradise and long for hell?
chaste your body and cry over spillt milk?

can you sing without a voice?
and kiss without lips?
hate the beautiful and love the dark?
can you let yourself let go?

can you rid yourself of vanities?
change your default settings?
starve to death and overindulge?
sleep around and be complete?

can you capture a last chance?
rise up to the challenge?
be the one you want to be?
live in the now and predict the future?

can you doubt but still believe?
and learn how to pick yourself up?
look God in his face and reject him?
can you stand on the highest mountain and fall?

can you ever learn to live life alone?


Om det inte finns kaos runt en ENFP så har en ENFP en tendens att tillhandahålla kaoset. Och det blir inte alltid optimalt
Ett sätt att hålla koncentrationen uppe är att biffa upp beslutsmekanismen. Då gäller en del av de generella NF-råd dom jag gett tidigare: djupinlärning, idealism, insupa kulturer osv. Att du i dagsläget har svårt att hålla koncentrationen beror på att du tar in händelser från omgivningen genom skifta mental kontext hela tiden. Du är helt enkelt understimulerad. Jag tror också att ENFP:er är dömda (eller välsignade) till att bara kunna hålla på med saker de gillar. Vi är helt motivationsdrivna; ingen motivation, inget utfört.

Vad kan då få en ENFP att koncentrera sig?

Erfarenhet. Skaffa erfarenhet. ENFP:er äter information. N:et sammanfattar och inordnar hela tiden, mer information behövs! Bara för att någon annan nisse tycker att besöka Portugal är mäktigt, behöver det inte gälla dej. Besök Portugal och 46 andra länder istället. Gärna samtidigt Droppa sedan det och ta hand om barn med Down's syndrom i Uruguay. Byt till börsmäklare. Utveckla din moral. Gå igenom vad du anser vara rätt och fel, för du kommer i alla fall att försöka pressa in dina reseminnen i en etisk skepnad. ENFP:er tänker i termer om rätt och fel, det är det som är viktigt Träna dig allsidigt i att kunna hantera och leda en grupp, skriva en artikel, planera en trädgård, ge empati utan att gå under och gå sedan vidare. Lär dig slappna av. Lär dig fyra språk. Bli stark så att du kan vara god.

Bejaka din kreativitet.

Edit: Och använd solskyddsfaktor

10.27.2008

You are the music in me



This is the last time to get it right...
It's now or never!

Ibland är kräkputtinuttigt helt rätt. Som i helgen. Söta små emokillar som man kan manipulera att kyssa varandra, söta fjortisar som gör staden osäker (blondes in black), McFlurry med Ahlgrens-bilar-smak, söta klänningar, söt alkohol (mint och polkagris), Singstar, gulligull-häst och galopperade. Och sist men inte minst: High School Musical 3. Ja, jag har haft en jävligt underbar helg! Tack vare mina tre favoritfjortisar: Stina, Madde och Antonia.
Bara faktumet att jag skriver på svenska och nämner namn visar hur underbart jag haft det. I never do that usually. Svenska är sanningens språk för mig, och kommer alltid vara det. Säger jag "I love you" betyder det aldrig lika mycket som "Jag älskar dig".

I'm a hardcore person with a softcore inside. But the softcore is a secret, so you guys have to pretend you don't know about it. Those who know me, know I'm a hopeless romantic, and dream as much as anyone about the perfect guy and the perfect ending. Dream all those kräkputtinuttiga dreams all you other hopeless romantics out there do. Like the new high school musical movie. I found myself digging it, and laughing and getting teary-eyed at all the right places, and still I had to fight it. But yes, even though the movie really sucks ass (movie-wise), I absolutely adore it! I'm sorry all you stuck-up film critics out there (who only gave it 1 out of 5 possible), you gotta loosen up sometimes and for once just let yourselves be swept away by the romantic tide. Kräkputtinuttigt eller inte, let yourselves feel the love.

It also got me thinking about "the end". We are in the same position in life as the people in the movie. "high school" is soon over. applying for univeristies, dispersing all over the world. And it got me thinking, I want to hold a speech. I've been thinking about this speech before, it's gonna be just for our class. And in that speech I'm gonna pinpoint highlights and jokes and little perks about each and every person, like "remember that time..." and "in Berlin..." and "ken always says..." etc. And I'm gonna show you guys, just how awesome you are. Even though we haven't been very good as a class, I'm hoping that's changing now that the end is soon coming, and I somewhat feel it is. This speech is gonna be the most sentimental thing ever, and it will make you all cry that we are leaving eachother.
All lights out, the stars will guide us through our darkest times
Belive in yourself and

Live your dreams, life's waiting for you,
Now I realize, I'd give anything I have
to walk a day in my old shoes.
Wondering what my first smoke would be like,
my first fuck, my next fuck up.
{Or} the next band that would change my life
and it changed my life
and it changed my life.
(Bayside)

The tingling feeling is not enough for me. I'm waiting for the ground-shattering love you only find in fiction; the never-ending, the all-consuming. The one you will love until-death-do-us-part, the one when you can feel the universe is made solely for the two of you, when one touch or a single gaze send ripples of energy through your entire being.

Each month turns into a journey. Interaction shaping what I become, opening up or closing down, bad days and good days. All those colours. Watching as the raindrops slide sideways on the window, changing course. You can't tell the raindrops what to be - they are raindrops.

I also finished Eragon, and wrote an inspired piece about an elven lady all alone in the deepest of mystical woods, but didn't have heart to post it. So this post will all be in honour of romance. And I'm glad to say, nowadays my chemical romance is not my only romance. Find happiness in so many places. We just need to realise we do, so we can stop being miserable. Waiting doesn't have to be bad, it can be an adventure too. Like living - the greatest adventure of all.

10.21.2008

And I came here to make you dance tonight

So strange how doing something dangerous makes you feel more alive.
Adrenalin surging, pulsing, alert, ready to run and hide.
And then the coldness. like running into a stone wall headfirst. it's exhausting.
but liberating.
still, i prefer knowing what is going to happen.
time like a slow slimy river, not fast enough. unexpected detour. brain neurons run short and you can't think but you know you have to think and that fast. the slight panic but still the immense calmness on the inside, like an ocean of calmness, and you know you're gonna make it.
then the "can i relax now". the truth is, you can never really relax i think.
unless you stop thinking.
and that is an insurmountable task.
anyway. we are alone. can't share feelings and thoughts with others (not in its pure form).

walking silently beside another, trying to read the thoughts, just following a lead, slightest movement, low voice, a gaze, the exchange, the self-awareness. im not talking about what you think i am.

paranoia is awful. it's like if you got something to hide you can't help feeling everyone is looking at you. or if you're terribly self-aware, and see someone looking at you, you go "omg do i have something in my face?" these ocd'ic thoughts go one step further with me. i always think im "branded" - that people can read in my face, or on a label on my back or something what im feeling. Like it says "slut" on my forehead. It's awful.

It was good talking again. After so long time, i thought you didn't care anymore, that it was all abandoned. I cried you know. From longing and missing and hurt. but i already told you that. Could never turn my back, cause i think this is special. and all i ever wanted was to be understood - you are the only one i know who actually did for some time.

Looking for a connection. to anything or anyone. understanding.

I listen when you talk and i cant make up my mind, all i know is i feel good in your company, so dont leave please. there's this uncertainty this question in the air, getting to know someone is exciting isn't it and people talk. i dont know if you get this but i noticed we often think very alike, so maybe you think the same or am i only hoping for something that isnt really there.

What i thought of the other day was: I used to be good at stuff, used to have raging passions for stuff and learn it in a heartbeat and enjoy it and hours could go on without me noticing. it never happens anymore and that fact makes me very sad. is this what it means growing up? loosing the passion and the fire? loosing the desire to learn?

And I ain’t gonna lie,
I can be a nasty guy.
So you should probably sit
‘cause yeah my words come kinda quick
and if you don’t get it let me repeat it, just forget what you thought.

Only see what I let you see
over and over again.
What you say is nothing new to me.
Honestly.

(cobra starship)¨

10.19.2008

Inspirational Pictures







Don't have much relevant to say except that I wasted an entire weekend on SILENTLY THINKING and STARING INTO AN EMPTY WALL. Also had time for some MELANCHOLY ON A TRAIN and HUGGING OF TEDDYBEAR.

10.17.2008

Hey hey rich boy, look my way


in a world non-withstanding

surrounded by people i thought i knew

dancing the dance of lost lovers

and trying to face the inevitable


loneliness is the cloak we never shed

the shell we go on hiding in


just thouht of it. no matter where you are in the world, no matter how much you have in terms of material belongings, you will always have to face who you really are inside. the glossy pictures in the magazines might make us dream and long, but if you picture being there, sun-tanning beside an azure pool, a magnificient view in the background and a drink in your hand, you can still feel your own core. imagine being there breathing, closing your eyes, letting time pass. you will still feel lonely if that is what you feel. admittedly you might be slightly happier due to all the material stuff, but it's not guaranteed.


so much is about money, about affording. having spent the day looking at scholarships, this is something that im very aware of at the moment. even if i always am at a constant vigilance when it comes to money and how i spend it. what also brought unnaturally much attention to this issue was when i spent the entire night on tradera, trying to win a cheaper train ticket to stockholm. i landed myself a ticket at 420kr, which i still thought was too much for my economy (and thinking about how to afford the journey home, ALOT too much). when i later didn't get any info from ASSHOLE tradera on how to extract my price (which resulted in me missing the departure anyway, so what was the fucking point), i ended up in a depressing reverie about what i could do if i had so much money i wouldn't have to worry about spending it in the first place. i know i would still be quite miserable (it's just my nature) but for starters, i would be in uppsala now, enjoying the long-longed for company of one of my closest friends who just so unfortunately happens to live there. i would have a weekend of happiness instead of one of studying.


money is far too big an issue in my head. but if i had enough to not worry about it, i could also have embraced the second plan after going to uppsala, which was Tivoli with magda. she wanted me to go there with her, but i couldn't really afford that either. i guess if i hadn't been in copenhagen the weekend before that and bought clothes i could have gone, so in that case it was more a matter of priority. but i hate priorities, i want to do everything i want to do, no matter what it costs!


this also got me thinking that i wanna earn alot in my future profession, so that i can provide monetary security for my children. they should never have to worry whether they will get in to the university of their choice or not. (which is exactly what im worrying about at the moment)


i cant endure the thought of NOT going to Japan. hearing the ending song of Mononoke Hime, my heart aches like that of a thousand broken hearts, and i cant imagine my life in the future if i dont get to japan. i simply just have to get there, any way i can. it's so sad it has to be a matter of money.


Now I know what you're thinking - what a spoiled little brat! But let me tell you this. sure, i could write a blogpost about people who REALLY need money, who live on one dollar a day, but to tell the truth, i'd rather write from the heart, from what i know most people in my surrounding are going through right now, than pretending to think myself able to save the world. i know what it's like living in uncertainty, not knowing if you'll be able to pay the next rent. i also know that im in no postion to help these poor people, at least not in the situation i am in today.


as cesar likes to reason - if he gets super-rich, THEN he might be able to make a difference for these people, invest in their businesses, help them get started on projects that will help them help themselves.


But the getting rich part comes before that.


Right now, i just want the security money brings. knowing i WILL be going to Japan, no matter what. Sometimes you can't help wishing your parents where millionaires.


Parents, i never dare asking for money, because i know how they will look at me. "Get a job". I also feel really bad if it so happens that i HAVE to ask for some support, it feels like im in a life-long debt to them. Or when my dad tells me he has NO LOANS whatsoever, that loans are evil and i should avoid them at all costs. if im going to japan, i will in no way be able to avoid loans (=evil). And how does that make me feel.


Yes, I wish I was a spoilt millionaire kid with every material possesion I could wish for, living in a pent-house in central Tokyo, partying every night, enough money for the rest of my life without having to do anything. walk-in closet, designer clothes, private chauffeur, socializing with the elite. no, it's not just a damage attained from gossip girl, it's a life-long wish ive harboured since the day i could walk. Ever since the first "no" ("Mommy, i want a doll" - "Honey, we can't afford it") I've hated to not have enough money.


Why is money so taboo? Why does spoiled equal bad? Why are you selfish if you strive for economic security? Why is money dirty? Why does it pass so quickly from hand to hand and make us bricks in a board game? Why is it all some people care about?


Why is it bad to satisfy your cravings? Why is pleasure bad? Why should we feel bad about not thinking of the starving kids in Africa?


In any way. All we ever asked for was happiness. For everyone.

10.16.2008

The Sound of Truth


as i lay dying. an ocean between us.
It's so strange when a person who normally can't cry, cry herself to sleep. The only warmth in bed her flustered cheeks, and her teddybear. In a deadly embrace. Whispering to no one for no reason at all, following the shadows in the ceiling, the tears trickling down into her ears, and that uncomfortable feeling of water in the ear. Giving meaning to the shadows in the ceiling, for no reason at all. Trying to decipher the message, the meaning. Sending songs that don't matter and can't change a thing.

Happiness excludes people - if you happen to be on the other side. And shit, fuck I did it again, my offensive humor messing it up, I'm sorry. Realization only favors hindsight.

Where the fuck am I going? Bend over to pick up the pen and loose footing. It's good I'm going away this weekend. While others mature I grow stuck in a destructive circle. While others develop, I'm left behind, watching with closed eyes. It's chaos in my head, the step forward and the step back, see the road stretching out. And fire. At the end of the tunnel. Should I care, should I turn. Save your bullets for your dearest. Couldn't be maybe sleepwalking tonight, sleepwalking this time. Imagine sleepwalking in a nightmare.

Changing for the rain, just to be by your side, soul connection, appealing essence. Isn't there some electricity.

One day,
This world will see me at the horizon
One day,
From a distant light
And just before I stand, to face my love
I'll turn around
And with a smile I'll say my goodbyes
One last goodbye
Goodbye...

(Blindside)

I took a picture of a girl I once knew
I kept it here incase I'd run into you
The look on your face could light up a room
But instead you leftAnd now I'm sitting with my head on the dashboard
Push the seat back and close my eyes
I had this dream that I was on an airplane
Afraid to fly
So I tipped my head to the side and I whispered
To this man that was in the isle
I said "do you know how long it takes before we die?"
And then I rolled awake

Can you take me back to the person I used to be
Back when you were there for me
I know it seems like forever but do me a favor please
Way back when we were stupid
Held grudges just to help us sleep
Oh my god, how ridiculous were we?

I stop your breathin everytime I'm around girl
Your body's sweatin and your hands start to shake
I know you can't control your eyes but I know that your looks are fake
So tease me once and I'll try to forget
How it feels when youve got nothing left
Well take it slow and only work this sometimes
Oh yeah...

(A Rocket to the Moon)

We speak of fighting to resist this world
But what about the battle within us?
If we have chosen to live against the grain
Then why are we all facing the same way?
There is no difference between us and them
If we all blindly seek truth from sentiments

(As I lay dying)

10.15.2008

Give me self-destruction

because i love it and can never escape it.


Looks. see how shallow we are, we scroll and we go either UGLY or Oooh.
who gets the message depends on who is hotter
and who isnt, well will you be my friend instead. sarcasm.
evil in the sense that we weed out and laugh and tease and point and rofl
how terrible isnt it that you judge a person by his face

[japanese accent]
a geisha in the floating world, in the ukiyo-e
she paints her face to hide her face
she can only be a wife of nightfall,
a half wife
she never only belongs to one man
yet she is not a simple prostitute,
she sings and she dances, an artist
of her kind
the long black hair like silk
the quiet white face and red lips beckoning
her eyes as a deep pools
where you can see all her grievances
it is not for a geisha to want

sometimes you realise why you hang out with the people you do hang out with. because they're so fucking wonderful and you would never want anyone else.
sometimes you can't be bothered with other people
i could never meet up with random strangers. not unless i was drunk or smth else and didnt care
but guess thats a passtime for some people. meeting people they dont know, having fun. oh. i actually like it come to think of it, but only if i can be myself in all my crazyness. with some people you cant be that, you have to act all mature and stuff. thats why i could never be myself with people who get embarrassed.

constantly searching for good music. good bands.
want ANBERLIN2 or smth. a PERFECT band.

why do we care, why cant we shut off some things. wishing for colder coldness
dont wanna care smack about approval or what people thing. wont change a thing, the thoughts
like a fucking waterfall
expose myself, my neediness, why do i have to write that FREAK. the truth is i know why. i want the approval, i want the attention.
like a histrionic person, only difference, awareness
attention. why approval and attention. why is there a quota
maslow blabla need people to appreciate who you are and what you do and so on and so forth but fucking why.
want the coldness and the i-dont-give-a-fuck attitude at the same time as openness and easy to talk to.
theres just nothing. will you be here to enjoy the ride when the theme park shuts down
play games, tease to please, smile to gain sympathy, a facade soliloquizing fatality,
and the nervous talk, the insecurity, what to say next, the right thing, what is it. god, that was stupid just shut the hell up and lock yourself in a small dark room and pretend existence never happened.

im going to get fucking shitfaced, flirt my ass off and have a one night stand. that is one thing that will boost my confidence. dance floors always do, cause you can see how they want you. you can tease, and please and play as you want. and everyone know it's a game.
countdown has started til THE outing in K. Right S :)
cause this weekend is not a partyweekend although i fucking need one.

it's like i lost an ability.
in the night and in the dreams. does it mean anything?
does the future mean anything? does it hold as much emptiness and worrying and thoughts as now?
will it be different? will it be something else in another place?
will thoughts go away? will the loneliness creep behind the lines and disappear?
everyone is so fucking lonely. inside. i know they are. and they hate it. the hate shines through the eyes
the hate of loneliness, the self-hate. the thoughts that are never-ending.
it's like an endless guitar riff, wailing, never fading.
i can see it in their eyes.

scream. i'll laugh you in your face tomorrow, or just ignore you till you die, you deserve it anyway. you deserve it because i feel like i have to prove myself, have to push you down and scream for me, i need your hungry gaze and your dirty propositions. i need them to feel in power, but i think most of all, i need them to chase away the loneliness. it does feel good knowing someone wants you.

O says:
nothing makes sense and whats the fucking point with anything
Alex says:
Exactly : D
Alex says:
Don't ask me. I'm made out of meat.
Alex says:
Bonus: Self-aware meat.
O says:
i hate the meat. it bulges, it's dirty, heavy, full of fat, it smells, it sags and it grows old and even nastier
O says:
it has needs
O says:
i dont want to need anything or anyone

10.11.2008

Embrace the martians, I come in peace


there's always an easy way out.
the not-easy one is just awkward and difficult and claustrophobic
and how much good does it do. it's just all conflicting perspectives anyway.
theres no reason.
till death do we party, how much do we honestly care
blood on the dancefloor
danger, danger, hearts hello kitty, suck it up, let's fuck it up
well then look the other way mister, did i get in your way
Dollars. an amazing store in cph, and it's closing, they lost the interest in keeping it. too bad, the clothes were pretty rad. sales now. bought a hot hot hoodie. superstylish, fashion addicted.
glamour addicted. everything sex drugs and rock n roll, can't stop until we pop, drop, dead on the dancefloor
expensive bubbles and white fine powder well the dream is all yours
if you have the money, the time and the interest.
just thought of it, so many times i could have gone out and partied but ive been too tired or too broke or too disinterested.
at the moment.
just realized another thing. this other style im tryin out and it fits me better than the one before. only now, it could get more plastic.
but we like plastic, love barbie and just adore shallow electro crunk about sexx and random stuff
a drug that makes me fall in love, it's what i miss
across the universe, how many people can there be, there must be someone right
someone who is right for me
it's what i think about, maybe it's just that time in the middle of the month when the hormones kick in before that time of the month
when i just can't sit still when my body moves on its own, like ruled by another consciousness, beckoning and calling and turning up the heat
and i just can't sit still, im a slave for the dirty beat, and if you'd catch me now. oh my goddess. see, you don't even need me drunk. if you get what i mean, if anyone ever gets what i mean.
which they probably don't. save the drama for your mama. life is good inside my hood.
get the riches, the millionaires. how much prettipretti stuff i could buy, like a MacBook, like designer clothes. i know by plattitude-association that money wouldn't make me happy but at least i would have the things i want to have (which is some weird consumer-hypnopaedia someone exposed me to in my baby-days i think). besides, there are more important issues i should think about. like world peace and such but hey, the dollar signs in my body takes hold sometimes. already had so many different periods of anti-capitalist and anti-consumerism, only to shift to the extreme opposites from time to time. i live in the extremes.
some vibes are just so incredibly nifty
like when you flirt, flirt back, a glance here, a touch there. i miss it.
leave a nice taste. talking in different dimensions.
k-i-t-t-y . you're such a fucking cutie pie!
well don't ask. i think. - - - but i like to do it!
Attention. how some people are suckers for it, how everyone needs it at some points. how everyone searches it out like summer butterflies burning in bright colours, breathing life for one day in the sun only to be cold and dead in the wet sand the next.
give me give me more give me more ATTENTION
just made me think of certain phenomena, like how some people get attention. scream aim fire. or just scream. alot. or dress, make-up = rad. hey hey rich boy, look my way. want a taste, but im a human, not a sandwich.
if i want the fucking cold money? hell yeah, it's so yummy
a job. some work while having school at the same time. well it works. for some.
how long have you known each other. how long does it take until you know a person. how do you know when you know a person. when can you say how well you know a person, how long does it take.
everyday a distraction, nobody's worse for the wear, everybody acting cool. could this be as good as it gets?
a rocket bottled up in her backpack, talk about the future like there's some way to control it while others just enjoy the ride
burning bright tonight, could this be as good as it gets?
have a feeling the feelings have been scarce lately.
got nothing to say and better be quiet but hey what about ATTENTION, i must express and expose myself, what drives people and make them humiliate themselves.
really wanna go to a concert but no fun bands are playing. not in sweden anyway.
growing impatient.
and this fat-business makes me wanna puke makes me wanna starve myself into a skeleton yet again and show the fucking world how fucking fucked up they are to be balancing on that line
makes me wanna skip every meal like the good old days, run like a madman and tell myself all the ugly words that made my insides burn with self-hate and disgust
the anger and the loneliness, oh those skinny skinny days, bones protruding, what really hurts the most
work out and work away every single fucking ounce of fat. that voice still calls to me, knew how i once was in it's claws.
i wanna go down to the gym like right now and just drive my body to insaness. we are after all, our bodies.
hang like speakers from the powerline. all this pressure and all this pain. if i'd do it again, i'd probably do it just the same.
give me back control.
judging eyes will look yet again. look out or they'll scorch you.
this dream called life. the dreaming continues and obscures the real thoughts on the matter. question your ways.
a riff that makes me dizzy. pleading hearts seek sympathy, a heart on empty, where is the gasoline when you need it.
an honest and crippling moment, wading through firey leaves, i can't recall how to breathe and the wind helps my lungs.
nothing makes sense in a world that is. such a fragile frame. a song that keeps us together in a meaningless dance.
pretending to be forgetting but nothing leaves my mind alone. i can't forget, i can't regret.
break down before you're done. thousands of friends on his myspace page, what does it take. is popularity really your game huh.
buy everything but the mannequins.
to please. how it feels. this is how it sounds, but i need you rockin me.
music is what saves me. when the tempo slows and creates that new new. slips away. free minds.
to all the non-believers. watch the stars. waiting for the brightest one to burn out.

10.08.2008

Love is a bird, she needs to fly


It's us against the world - how i wish to say those words, i wanna say them, wanna hold you and whisper it in your ear, kiss you and tell you: it's us against the world.
Only one person said it to me once, i was just a kid, but i will never forget the feeling. say it to me again, make me complete, make me whole.
it's us against the world. it will always be.

right now it's just me against the world.

attempts and good intentions, what do they help me in the end? hey the end never came so ok they did actually help im just searching out the drama.
eerie voices, children's laughter, remixes. ambient.
what makes the clock tick.
figure out the little bits and the ghosts will fall into place.
where they belong.
did i tell you about the waterfall? the red lamp? and the tiger?
well the little death you see can constitute anything, as long as it is achieved.
the vivid dreams im having lately are really freaking me out because i find myself changing reality for dream and dream for reality. there are no boundaries, almost.
play with me please. i do love to play.
no other place.
that i rather be. in tokyo.
knocking on the window, smokin up. you're playin. got bitchas behind me. mf wuts guud. backseat, knock u out.
shake it baby, see it with the flow, shake it like u aint a hoe.
is popularity your quest? answer me.
more plastic. funny man, rockin like yeh
see with the flow
colours blurring into eachother, eyes going crossed
then step it up, the decadence and the late nights, the neglect and the music, the music and the music. music is the sea i swim in.
let it all carry you away, get lost in my eyes. lost in eyes.
fading the same way.
to sing when you die, who's turn to burn, everyone deserves the flames.
got my time slipping nice on a sliding scale, the maths in a corner, french in the other, merde.
this world as it changes. we are young but we don't belong. see the children in the rain...
we wave this flag of hatred, see the world we can create, if we wanted to. if we changed...
walk among the shadows in a street that's like a battle, the spark in all the hearts, all walk alone, all we ever wanted was a place to call our home
march to the drums, watching waste burn in the sun, we will fight or we will fall, til it's all too late, til time no longer has mercy
but what will happen? will we change this place? will we help eachother stand on both two feet? will we carry the weak and nourish the starved?
will we place love in every lonely heart?
The autumn effect - the thoughts start to swirl and the time slips away.
a chocolate bar for every heartache. two sides of the medallion - one was a girl and the other a boy. classic aint it, but i wasnt involved, just a spectator
so this time it's easier with advice. how can i help, tell me how i can heal.
touch such as touches you, and then i mean really touches you. no matter who has you for the moment
the moment change, and the next moment it's gone.
and that other moment is far far away and you might not even remember what it felt like.
it's not closeness.
there's always half-life, when you're not aware, when you let the day slip away without having said or done what you wanted.
like when you just wanna crawl under a big blanket and disappear. the loner theory.
- ive always been lonely and always will be. so why try to change anything. dont have to affect anything.
i dont know if i abandoned it yet. and im sorry for the incomprehensibility.
seasons to cycles. follow our dreams, slightly out of reach. building walls for someone to climb, whoever's got the effort
the emptiness is just a pastime, i promise, we're not pretending, we're just pretending to be pretending, this really means something however fake it might seem from time to time
stop fretting so much, enjoy the ride while it lasts. not much left, soon ib will be out and most people will never see eachother ever again.
just think of it, scattered to different continents. im guessing i'll be thinking then, damn why didnt i make better use of the time i had back then.
vitamin c - friends forever. if there's a war, i'll be fighting by your sides.
i will be your armor and take all your bullets. the only place for me.
if the sun shuts down, i will still have you. at least for a few seconds until all the world has collapsed, disappeared, smothered itself.
lost at sea, still not alone.
lonely but not alone. if theres a wall, please climb it. run, shake, scream, fight, scream aim fire, fight. stronger.
never gonna stop.

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen when your heart's not open
You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're frozen when your heart's not open

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside you die
You're frozen when your heart's not open

(Madonna - Frozen)

10.06.2008

Sit and wait for the curtains to fall


Now I know that it's the same.
Different people, different days.
It won't change.
Do you find security?
Knowing you have broken me.
Like a pastime.

Hold on and you'll find, (you'll find)
What you're eventually looking for.
Hold on and you'll find, (you'll find)
What you're eventually looking for.

Is popularity your quest?
Is this game the perfect test? (Looking for something else)
Do we all? Do we alter?
What we are. (What we are)
Who we honor.
Do we alter who we honor?
Playing with peoples hearts?

(Hold on by Acceptance)

The proof of existence. Make me feel alive. The feelings I can share with those who saw the sun set, the ones who were there.
The one who takes the fall - breaking after all. Bringing together.
Tell myself on the ride home, getting tired. Find it hard to find words, tried to tell myself something is different. See inside of me, don't know what to say. Speechless on a stage, only feeling the embarrassment burning. This could be different, wanted to see.
It's interesting how feelings die, a word you would not expect to hear from me. The place it takes me now. Permafrost comatose. The golden disk of honest sunlight melting the lies, they're falling one by one. Glorious ways.
We sit and wait for the curtains to fall. Don't bore us, get to the chorus.
Here by candlelight, I'll be putting up a fight. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, until you can't take it anymore.
So young, didn't know I could be so dumb. I do. So what about you?
Never satisfied, craving from crib to coffin. Rerun all the mistakes, to spin the wheel of fortune. Bang, bang. My baby shot me down.
Call me a liar, call me a friend. I will let you down, again and again and again. And you will let me down, again and again and again. The beauty lies in making your way not back but forward, again.
Give me the poison pills tonight.
Doesn't have much to say so she drinks alot. Hope you know that someone out there loves you. Don't let them say...

I've been sitting in the suicide lane on
Highway 99
Looking for a sign in the headlights

I've been to war with my mind
But things will be different this time
I won't be putting up a fight

Give me your poison pills cuz I’m
Digging my star crossed grave tonight

Don't wanna leave it alone
Don't wanna leave it
(2x)

I've been sitting by the train tracks
Here in the back door of my mind
Waiting for the planets to align

I've got every good reason
To make this open season
Keep my head up above the metal
Piece tonight

Give me your poison pills cuz I’m
Digging my star crossed grave tonight

(Grave digging, The Classic Crime)

10.04.2008

Music is my imaginary friend


It's ok to feel ok. Tired as fuck but downloading new music. This post is nothing interesting so you can stop reading now. Just the lyrics of my three favorite songs at the moment.
Just wanna go out traveling again. Kinda amazing when I think of where I've been this year - London, Tokyo, Paris and Berlin. Like the major metropolitan's of the world. I could travel all year round, cuz as soon as I get back home I just wanna travel away again...
We are more than just useless stupid kids, as we sing along at the top of our lungs. We are gonna make sense in the future even if we don't right now. Future is scaring me, I'm losing ground, not sure anymore what I wanna do. Know where I wanna go so guess I'll just start there.
Asking for truth. Brutal honesty. Words for wear my friend, strip it all off. Sneaking suspicions.
Was I trying too hard again? Cause the response wasn't good, i have no idea were i got you. or you for that matter. or you. can't place you. the excuse is chemicals i guess. the thing that would bring us together. but it's weird. many things are weird these days.
New music in all honor, I'm gonna go read now.

CSS - Music is my hot hot sex

From all the drugs the one i like more is music
From all the junks the one i need more is music
From all the boys the one i take home is music
From all the ladies the one i kiss is music (muah!)

Music is my boyfriend
Music is my girlfriend
Music is my dead end
Music is my imaginary friend
Music is my brother
Music is my great-grand-daughter
Music is my sister
Music is my favorite mistress

The Classic Crime - 5805

Friends, I will keep you like trophies in my heart
to remember how loneliness was a faded dream on 219th Street.
We were more than just young, we were full of it,
and no one could touch us or take us in
Watching the sunset from the roof we'd plan our next adventure

I was 19 and young, thought i had it all figured out
The world was our oyster and we dove in to get the pearl out

Now we are swimming in memories,
how we wish we could go back
We hold the hope that someday
we'll see the world again like that

I've got a sneaking suspicion that
hindsight only favors good vision
But I'm not one to complain when it's all I dream of
We were more than just useless stupid kids
The music it moved us, we shook our fists
as we sang along at the top of our lungs

The Classic Crime - God and drugs

I scrape the glass for crumbs and ask the mirror for some truth.
I loaded my body with chemicals, it was no use.
Cause retribution's coming for the years of this abuse,
And I can't get away and still I can't get close enough to You.

You won't go away,
But every hit is just a taste.
Something scares me in this place.
I self destruct for days.

10.03.2008

Beer-lin baby ;)

A random Berlin diary, but mostly just a stream of consciousness.

it all started with some serious pepping. god, had i longed for this since like ever. all the talk. about the partying, the beer and the bars, we were gonna rock this place. all the planning made for incredible pepp.
then came the sleepover.
four girls, sorry ara, met up at my place to group before the departure. the sleepover started with mads and me buying toner for her hair. and then i made a playlist, "Berlin baby ;)" and it fucking rocks, think it's my most awesome playlist yet, incredible pepp. when stina was about to arrive we went out for bk food, where we all met maggie too. with her non-date. scusme. and yeh, went back, dyed hair, finished packing (for my part), talking, listening to music and finally deciding to go to sleep.
It was an early, chilly morning. Looking for the place where the bus was to depart, finding a velko, and then finally finding the busstop.
so excited, happy-tired. music. double-decker, front seats, nice company. Long, long bustrip. Fucked up stories about Basshunter fucking a cow etc, no don't ask. it was amusing though. happyschnappi.
Ferry was boring and felt like a hangover. couldnt decide if i was hungry or not.
When we arrived at Pension Grinitz they were cleaning the rooms, so no freakin relaxing or anything, just straight out again after a short toilet stop. Bought our travelpasses, took the U-bahn to Alexanderplatz. from there it was one long walking tour down Unter den Linden, saw stuff like the holocaust monument, soviet ww2 monument, and the Reichstag and Brandenburger Tor.
since everyone is boring they went to KFC. dear good god in heaven we're in fricking germany! SAUSAGES AND BEER! Anyways, I went to the early-started-Oktoberfest. it was like a förfest. pepp. ANd yes, i had a beer and some sausages while my company was stuffing their faces with greasy chicken. got all tingly and happy from the WUNDERBAR BEER, ran around and was pepp on drinking. it was hilarious. anyways.
The first night was pretty chill, we just went back to our room. i think some people were at the cheap local cocktail bar, but the after-party was in our room so everyone went there later and we all just hung out. which was kinda cool although unbelievable and weird since it's our class we're talking about. i think we needed this trip real badly. and we needed it say one year ago aswell.
but we all love eachother now so it's all ok. at least i kinda like everyone in our class, the class i used to hate.
Getting almost drunk and talked to everyone basically. Some guys got drunker than others. it was real fun. randomly went outside and stuff.
finally getting some sleep. it was needed.

day 2 started with a nice breakfast provided by the pension thingy. coffee, juice, sugarpuffs, rolls. yum. long day with a lot to see, can't even remember all of it. hitlers "grave", former stasi headquarters and allied museum was part of the stuff we looked at atleast. alot of walking. and the weather was shit.
Lunch around Ku-damm at starbucks (unfortunately), a place i happen to have very mixed feelings about. Running around taking crazy photos. The afternoon was free, so when people dispersed and some decided to go on a "depressing" tour, me and mads decided to go shopping. ask her what she bought, i thought the coat was prettiful. i found kawaii earrings. yes, uninteresting information. hang in there kids, soon coming to the fun part.
Oh well- meeting up with people for dinner. was at a steakhouse thingy, kinda nice. awkwardness at the table, which i tried to ignore but i dno. people are nice after all. More pre-oktoberfest for my part: FEST-BIER! Oh yes, german beer is orgasmic. unfortunately i was one of the few to appreciate it in its true form - 1l gigantic oktoberfest glasses. had backhendl - friend chicken, like KFC but professional. mwey. merriment&weirdness.
went back "home" - meeting people at the cocktail bar, SO NICE to have BOOZE so close. we also had a cheap liquor store just one block up so that added to the awesomeness. Yes, got called ALCOHOLIST at least four times this trip. both serious and joke. Anyways, everyone getting drunk together, so inspiring. so weird and so right, had a good time.
after-party in our room (as usual). many got shitfaced. no names but i had a hilarious evening, being just perfectly drunk so i could laugh at everyone else at the same time as i didn't care what i myself did. anyways, it was this fuzzy warm wonderful feeling of bonding with classmates. fun fun fun.
Break some ice.
A special apology to a special person - it's true what i said though, i missed you. just a little. since i discovered brutal honesty is quite fun im gonna say i will never trust you but i wont dislike you either.
A seriously weird night. Drunk is fun for some, not mentioning who wasn't that fun, think you know who you are.
A lot went down that night. Some remember it, others don't. Still, i promise you, it was a good night and it was hilarious. and everyone enjoyed it in their way.
Sleep didn't get into the picture until 4am. which meant freak-tired the next day.

day 3 started with everyone being hungover. not me though, just tired. magically escaped all hangovers even though i drank my fill, which made me very happy. both of it. anyways. "hungover in the bunker" is a new, very un-vivid mindstate. the tiredness and oxygen shortage only made it so much worse.
but before the bunker was a ww2 flak tower and confusion in a park. i can still see the firey autumn leaves on the ground, the trees like golden pillars, the puddles of water and the slow drizzling from the grey sky. from up there, the view, the sky and the war-feelings.
the bunker then. Oh, oxygen shortage + tiredness made us all collapse like dead meat. still was really interesting and horrible in a learny way.
Berlin wall museum. seeing the insaness of a perfectly raked no-mans-land. this was the last stop and now you could really sense the end of this wonderful trip was near.
there was this confusion about yesterday in the air. i didnt mind though cuz i didn't have issues but i wonder how much people actually remember.
Döner Kebap close to home, then going to the historische museum thingy whatever with emilia and anna. really interesting but tiredness amounting. the holocaust documentation was kinda nasty, NEWSFLASH. lasting impressions. Then shopping. Gifts at KaDeWe for my beautiful friends at home for example. example: bertie bott's every flavour beans, chocolate and longing eye-flashes at the fish counter.
Restaurant Vapino - drinking beer. felt like division all over again. our class is (was?) kinda like the Berlin Wall, one side and the other, and many different zones. Irish pub - drinking even more beer but this time guinness and kilkenny. getting drunk, last night ffs, but people were tired and didn't seem to be very pepp at partying. think i harassed stina to give me the lime in her drink and then failed to fish it up. also involuntarily poked koci in the eyes, that was his head moving actually. hated the music and couldn't stop obsessing about it.
fries at KFC before going home (didn't have fair judgment at that moment). talk to people. this is all so new and it's so weird and i don't know if it all is just gonna go back to normal when we get back to school, which i actually think it will. but i don't want it to go back to normal. don't know what to think of it all. sleep was early this night, think everyone had exhausted their energy storage.
ok. bed. up earlier than usual, breakkie, bus. storm - bus can't take normal route due to ferry changes, so longer route, long bustrip, delayed. my bäschistfjortisar fell asleep so i went to koci and had a nice conversation with him. we all discovered later that he has had some slight personality changes this trip. i think i made new friends which is nice since i don't do that very often. because im so bad at it, don't know what to say and stuff. im very scared though, everything is so new somehow, like talking to people you barely talked to outside class before. i think im repeating myself so i will be quiet now. no, im not evil. im kinda nice once you get to know me but im very insecure so maybe you will never get to know me. that depends. and well im tired of lies so im gna be honest. which is brutal for the most part since people are used to lies. but i'll still be plastic since that has with my insecurity to do. shit, im talking too much again. bye.

came home late, feeling the internet craving without being able to satisfy it.
we have internet now though. this is a blog i wrote yesterday. feel the bäst-före-datum just crash into a wall.

some memorable things from the trip:
- amazing beer
- pleasantly surprised by people
- koci notepad
- stina quotes (hissen e också drücken!!)
- random discussions
- the feeling of it all
- absolutely NOT the weather

Aufwienerkorv my friends and let's all raise our glasses in prayer that this is meant to last, this getting to know eachother better.