So strange how doing something dangerous makes you feel more alive.
Adrenalin surging, pulsing, alert, ready to run and hide.
And then the coldness. like running into a stone wall headfirst. it's exhausting.
but liberating.
still, i prefer knowing what is going to happen.
time like a slow slimy river, not fast enough. unexpected detour. brain neurons run short and you can't think but you know you have to think and that fast. the slight panic but still the immense calmness on the inside, like an ocean of calmness, and you know you're gonna make it.
then the "can i relax now". the truth is, you can never really relax i think.
unless you stop thinking.
and that is an insurmountable task.
anyway. we are alone. can't share feelings and thoughts with others (not in its pure form).
walking silently beside another, trying to read the thoughts, just following a lead, slightest movement, low voice, a gaze, the exchange, the self-awareness. im not talking about what you think i am.
paranoia is awful. it's like if you got something to hide you can't help feeling everyone is looking at you. or if you're terribly self-aware, and see someone looking at you, you go "omg do i have something in my face?" these ocd'ic thoughts go one step further with me. i always think im "branded" - that people can read in my face, or on a label on my back or something what im feeling. Like it says "slut" on my forehead. It's awful.
It was good talking again. After so long time, i thought you didn't care anymore, that it was all abandoned. I cried you know. From longing and missing and hurt. but i already told you that. Could never turn my back, cause i think this is special. and all i ever wanted was to be understood - you are the only one i know who actually did for some time.
Looking for a connection. to anything or anyone. understanding.
I listen when you talk and i cant make up my mind, all i know is i feel good in your company, so dont leave please. there's this uncertainty this question in the air, getting to know someone is exciting isn't it and people talk. i dont know if you get this but i noticed we often think very alike, so maybe you think the same or am i only hoping for something that isnt really there.
What i thought of the other day was: I used to be good at stuff, used to have raging passions for stuff and learn it in a heartbeat and enjoy it and hours could go on without me noticing. it never happens anymore and that fact makes me very sad. is this what it means growing up? loosing the passion and the fire? loosing the desire to learn?
And I ain’t gonna lie,
I can be a nasty guy.
So you should probably sit
‘cause yeah my words come kinda quick
and if you don’t get it let me repeat it, just forget what you thought.
Only see what I let you see
over and over again.
What you say is nothing new to me.
Honestly.
(cobra starship)¨
