I hope its gonna make you notice...

I puked in the sink. Then I lit another cigarette and went to work.

When I walked home from work there was a big black stray dog out in the park, roaming around on his own.

Hungover, much? Yes, Im fucking bonkers. Barking mad. And I know it.

Not much has happened. Almost thrown out from work. Stupid me. Mistakes and things. Some yelling, some threats and I go emo. Marcus birthday thursday. Was the first time I laughed in the whole week. Party last night was nicer, I got incredibly drunk on cider, redbullvodka and rum&coke. Plus some uncalled for chugging from Smirnoff vodka bottles. (It was that guy behind the bar, and of course I had to impress him in my own retarded way). British karaoke bar. Rags. I sang Use Somebody. Listening so much to Kings of Leon now.

My roomie talks to me again. We are on friendlier terms. Very much friendlier terms... I think we´ll be watching a lot of movies together the coming week...

And that guy seems no go at all. I hope he will notice me. Soon. Anyway, Im really tired. Another strange week has passed. Lets see what the next one has in store.

Adventureland was a great movie. Kristen Stewart is a huge inspiration for me now that I am also a brunette. Her acting is weird. Watch her in more than one movie and she always seems to be herself, not the character shes playing. Shes awkward/cool in some weird way. Bites her lips, tousles her hair, always these rings and bracelets, always without make-up. Always same half-awkward movements. Always really cool. I like her.

Countless lovers undercover of the streets... You know that I could use somebody...
Someone like you...

A Sexual Oddysey

Let me tell you about my week. Because it has been a pretty shitty one. Or actually just weird but it has definitely been a rollercoaster. Emo on monday. Party on thursday, friday and saturday. Sliten som fan nu. Yes. Anyway.

Thursday was Viking and Rags. I had three guys after me but I went home with that stupid asshole (again). Why do I never learn. Friday was Viking and Rags (again). I brought a girl home with me. I have always thought Im slightly bisexual. I never really tried so now I thought why not. And I tried it. This week I have had sex with a girl. And now I know. I am not bisexual. It jsut doesnt do anything for me. Anyway, my roomie got so pissed he doesnt even speak to me anymore. I guess he is angry that I brought someone to the apartment. But mostly I guess he is just grossed out cause he really hates that girl. And all the talk after? Oh my god. Thats the reason I was emo today and still am. When we went to Viking on Saturday, all the stupid guys behind the bar taunted and leered at me. Great. I just wanted to try and I was really drunk, what the hell is your problem? So my confidence shattered to pieces by all this skitsnack to my face. I went with Anna and Malin to a British karaoke place instead of fucking Tibu or Rags, where everyone else always is. I dont know when I will return to Viking and what it will be like. Right now it just feels like everyone hates me. But thats nothing new under the sun.

People are crazy here. I will never have the fire to maintain this level of partying. Never. So next week Im only going out one night. Saturday. Cause then I have time to recharge for real. Also, the strain of missing people, the strain of not knowing who to trust (cause everyone down here talks so much shit) is killing me softly. Or rather violently.

Also - Mattias birthday. He was dragged behind the bar, they called out that it was his 18th birthday (no, he is like 21) made him chug vodka from two bottles simultaneously, then they said "now we´re gonna play his favourite song" and they put on Dr Bombay. He is so drunk he cant even stand, but he managed to crazy dance to Dr Bombay.
Also - stureplansorginalet Louise. Boob job. Lip job. Applied to Playboy. Have lived at Stureplan hela sitt liv. Vill ha ett till boob job. Quote: "To get the guy you want is like stealing candy from a kid" (sounds better in stockholmska)

We ate at Little Italy today, awesome food. When I sat there with Katja, whom Ive gotten much much closer to after all the drama thats happening here, I realized this little adventure of mine has turned into a sexual oddyssey. Something I never thought. Weird.

So far, so good.

And so it is Sunday again. And soon the beginning of a new week.

The past week has been strange. Horrible to work when youre sick. But small things happened that were fun. Katja had her birthday Tuesday, which meant we went out for a mini-celebration. It was fun. Cant remember details lol. I have also, this past week, taken more showers together with my other roomie. Cozy. And makes us both kinda happy. But now he is grumpy for some reason. I dont know.

Also, yesterday I met another guy. Lets call him T. He was cute. And I was sad because the object of my real interest wasnt out and about. One of his friends said he was busy (meaning he probably had some girl at his place). He was at the restaurant earlier in the evening so I dont get why he wouldnt go out. When I asked if they wanted anything else, he said "you". I think there was a small explosion in my head cause i totally blacked out after that. Anyway, I went home with the surfer dude T. And now I hope he can help me get an apartment for January.

Its work. sleep. food. work. sleep. food. work. party. party. food. sleep. work. party. food. sleep. etc. sometimes a little suntanning and reading thrown into the mix but not much. So far, so good.

Sick as a dog

not fun to be ill at the one day i have off.. no partying...

and when i was to open a bottle of Sangre de Toro at the table where that gorgeous guy was sitting, of course the cork had to break. baka, baka. oh well. guys are just trouble. today i showered with one guy, it was surprisingly nice, even if the shower was kinda small and crowded with the two of us in there...

but he's not the one i wanna shower with. last week i had fun with yet another one. we "went for a walk". but still not the one i have my eyes on. the one i have my eyes on is the one who ordered Sangre de Toro. The one i made a complete fool of myself in front of. He works at a bar. A bar i feel i will frequent a lot these months.

Anyways. On my way to figuring people out. And figuring guys out. Work has been ok, just a little overwhelming. Still don't know if this is the place i want to be. but im learning i have to stop running from things - stop being a quitter - cause quitters never win.

Satellite Heart

Thank god for English. Inga javla slutet-pa-alfabetet-tangenter har nere ju. Anyways. Here I am blogging after my first few days in the sun. To be honest, I have no clue whatsoever if I like it here or not. Not yet. Everything is so new. People, place, work. Im still figuring shit out.

I like the heat. I like the sun. I havent figured the people out yet. I like the apartment. I havent figured the job out yet. Still some hitches to fix. New apartment in two months. More work. Only sundays off. But I knew that.

Its kinda crazy down here. I went here thinking id become a nykterist, because i cant work when im hungover or tired from partying. But as someone said to me: "Then you have come to the wrong island". Almost everyday after work, people go for at least one drink. And before that there is beer and wine to be had while closing up the restaurant.

Im a satellite heart. Lost in the dark.

And by the by, Im a brunette now. Kinda random. It just happened. Hope you people have a good time in cold, rainy Sweden. I wont lie and say I dont miss it, cause I do. I miss the cold and the darkness and being depressed and listening to emo songs on the ipod while walking home through the autumn leaves... Its very different here. Very different.

Stuck in limbo on a train

Underbara dagar i Stockholm/Uppsala - hell yeah. Sex i en bastu - hell yeah.

This is a cliff and I'm diving from the top. Without anticipating how far I might drop.
The eyes on fire are flashing past so fast. An intense flame that is not meant to last. And you won't be the last.

I preach for the living but I belong to the dead. I'm not alive anymore, inside my own head. You might see me laugh and crack up in smiles, but inside my head, I'm miles and miles away. That's why I live my life like a roll on a tape, that's why I caress the characters, piss on the plot and laugh at fate.

I need to land in myself. Realise this is my life, not a movie I'm watching.

Darling, what is going on?

I love the girls who hate to love because they're just like me. A certain girl, she took my hand, and ran it up her thigh She licked her lips and pulled my hair; I fall in love for a night. She can't behave, And I'm just a slave. Don't worry- I'll be gone when the morning comes.

Today I can't even think of leaving this country. I'm excited about the adventure. But right now I can just think of the next moment I will spend with Him. His golden bright hair like a halo, his teasing smile and hands up my thighs, his whisper in my ear, lips closing in. The sexual tension is tangible, and we could die for it. Building and building, like verses building up to the exploding chorus. Feel so good in his company I don't ever want to leave. No feelings, just attraction like hell. He's the best lover I've ever had. By the way, The Pineapple Express is the most genius thing in ages. And The Heroin Diaries are simply awesome. But anyway, He and I, are so compatible. But I wouldn't stay for him. In three days I am in a different country, 5 hours away by plane. A new life for 5 months. In three days.

With a heart full of napalm

"[...] betraktade henne som något att utnyttja och sedan kasta bort, som en begagnad kanyl. Så snart den uppfyllt sitt syfte kunde man hiva den i soporna, bara för att gräva fram den igen om man blev riktigt desperat."

I change my mind every day. This day, I don't want to go. This day I want to celebrate christmas in my old cildhood home, with everything that entitles. The Halloween party was awesome. And I will miss these people. I don't want to say any more goodbyes. Because I suck at goodbyes.

The Choices that change Life

Isn't it strange when the past week feels like months ago? When yesterday feels like a week ago? When so much happens at once that you get brain overload and panic angst attacks and have to sit down for an hour just to organize, write lists and make plans to deal with every hour of every day.

Now it is decided. In almost only a week, I am going to The Canary Islands. To work. For five months, if it works out. If it doesn't work out I might be home in a month or so again. At least then I will have tried and given it a chance. These are chances that don't come along that often. And I have to say yes more than I do nowadays. It will be interesting. Hard, long days, sun, warmth, new place.

The reasons to go were varied. Among the reasons were once in a lifetime chance, quit the job I have now that I don't really like, stop thinking about certain peoples and, of course, the warmth. The reasons NOT to go were Magda and everyone else I am going to miss. Vardag, fest och New Moon premiären.

Anyway. Tomorrow it's planning, making calls and Magda day. Day after that Halloween party. Then hungover day. Then next week I'm going to be in Stockholm and I'm longing so much for that.

My point with this entry was: you might have seconds to make a choice that will change your life for a long time ahead... Make the most of those seconds and go with your gut feeling. Make the choice for yourself, not for anyone else.

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

This too shall pass. So why make a big fuss about it?

That people can at times be stupid, that they'll do mistakes, and that getting upset because of it is like getting upset because the wind blows, or the sun shines.

another neat insight is the one that people are far from magical creatures
you will rarely find a person who is endlessly compassionate, or endlessly cold -- lest they be a psychopath

people will keep try to impose their beliefs on you, people will try to make you adapt to their codex of thought and behavior, people will expect things of you, people will get angry when you fail to live up to their expectations and people will fail to live up to your expectations too and you will get angry when they do, and you will get sad too, and you will be disappointed and so it repeats repeats repeats repeats, until you see through it

treat your feelings like the wind in your face or sunshine.

Undisclosed Desires - Muse
I know you've suffered,
But I don't want you to hide,
It's cold and loveless,
I won't let you be denied

Soothing,
I'll make you feel pure,
Trust me,
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers,
That you're wicked and divine,
You may be a sinner,
But your innocence is mine

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Trust me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Manodepressiv inspiration & singelsjuka

Okej. En gång för alla: Jag tror jag är manodepressiv. Ena dagen på botten av the existence, gråter mig själv till söms; andra dagen on top of the world med massa energi, inspiration och idéer. Men oavsett om jag är hög (inte på det sättet) eller låg, så vet jag att jag alltid har ett annat ansikte utåt än mitt sanna. Some might think I’m that bubbly, so-tough, so-cute, sex-maniac person round the clock. Nope. Those things are part of my personality. Men jag är faktiskt inte så “utmanande”, galen och whatever-i-dont-give-a-damn som jag säger att jag är. I care. A lot. About everything. About people. But I say I don’t care. Because: It Amounts To Less Pain When You Don’t Have To Care So Much. And I say a lot of stupid things to make up a tough image. I don’t mean that, I just happen to talk a lot of bullshit. Det är i alla fall tur att det finns personer i mitt liv som ser igenom allt bullshit man håller på med och tar en för den man är, och tar bullshit för vad det är: trams. Så. Nu har jag sagt det. Vidare till inspirationen. När man scannar businesscards så hittar man många intressanta människor, företag och länkar. Exempel på inspiration jag fått på sistone är:

http://www.ugly-duckling.se/
http://www.bbs.hik.se/blistudent/site/MusicEventManagement180hp.htm
http://www.theduffyagency.com/services.htm

Inspiration till att utbilda mig inom PR, consulting, Eventmanagement, Musikproducent, Art Director, Graphic Designer etc. På Fredag blir det fest. På Lördag jobbar jag i garderob. Verkar ha blivit lite av en allt-i-allo där. Och fy fan vad läskigt det är att skriva på svenska. English is my cloak. Kan bara prata känslor på engelska. På svenska blir det verkligt och läskigt. Träffade A och disskuterade skolarbete. Sen gick det över till annat. Då kom jag och tänka på Singelsjukan. Vi som lider av den har inte riktigt någon klar bild av vad det innebär att vara i ett förhållande. Som A sa när vi funderade på hur man egentligen blev ihop med någon och hur det går sedan: ”ringer man varandra och frågar ’hej ska vi träffas och hålla handen idag?’” Annars har jag tänkt väldigt mycket på G&Z this week. Surprise. Nej.

Veckans plus: Pasta på George's på lunchen
Veckans minus: deppighet
Veckans spontanitet: Ponyo på bio med Magda
Veckans surprise: sms från en speciell person
Veckans Bästa: resa till Stockholm bokad 4-8 November

Ja det är ju bara Torsdag, det kan alltid hända mer...

Don't say Rest In Peace

You've got blood on your hands
And I know it's mine
I just need more time
So get off your low and let's dance like we used to
But there's a light in the distance
Waiting for me, I will wait for you
So get off your low and let's kiss like we used to

(White Lies)

Awesome band. And though my life is a little fucked up right now, I drift away on my gray clouds. Listening to music which takes me to places where I imagine I don't exist anymore. No do's and don'ts and musts. No offenses, no faces long gone, no smiles and no tears. No acquaintances, no friends, no people, no places. No memories. No long dark future without purpose or goal. It's just a dark ceiling with moving lights and tears on cheeks running down clogging up the ears. And I knew this would happen and I know it will happen again. This is a story about a girl who really existed but didn't want to exist. I picture my own grave. It's the people around it that I don't want to hurt. Me, no problem hurting that part. And I know it'll pass and I know I might be ok. I hate being selfish, I'm afraid of being selfish. And sometimes I am really selfish. And keeping this blog is selfish. No one feels better from these words, no one but me. When everybody's dancing, I don't want to... And as Lex pointed out - it's a pointless blog where I keep degrading myself. Today I loved the sunlight. I loved the morning coffee, the autumn leaves and the chicken I ate when I came home from work. It tasted especiallly nice since I was starving. Why is it that every autumn I feel like I'm running on empty. From October to March I'm a dustbin filled to the brim with melancholy waste. I apologise to everyone who might be affected by this. But what do I know, that might just as well be egocentric thinking, that I can affect anyone. Society is harsh, a collection of trophies, and I don't make the shelf. I don't fit the cut. So let me just live outside it and waste away. Probably in poverty, if I don't manage to SELL. It's all about the selling. Sell your soul and sell your body, sell your ideas and sell your self-image. All to earn money. Now be a good girl and do what you're told... Never pretend for me.

Maybe Forever Naive

My whole body aches. And I'm in desperate need of a shower. And I fell for the dirty tricks again. As carelessly and irrevocably as all the other times. But who can resist. We all have our vices, mine are smoking and gorgeous eyes. No Lex, not smoking gorgeous eyes. Smoking eyes would be so totally wrong. Even for us freaks. Speaking of Lex, I really want to see him next week. And maybe Justin again, if he will be so courteous as to allow me to stand by his side. Tonight it's Friday at TGI (ha ha) with Mags and L.

Anyway. I wish I was good with people, I have always wished that. That I could just be naturally myself, whatever that is, and be someone almost everyone likes. A likeable person. A person who by just coming into a room make people smile (in a good way). A person who takes up space (figuratively speaking) without being awkward about it. Like whatever I did would seem like such a natural and obvious thing. Like putting my head on someone's shoulder while sitting next to them. No, not think about that decision for a million years until the opportunity slips away, but just grasp the moment and put my head on that cozy shoulder as soon as the thought pops into my head because that is just a natural cause of action. Not feel awkward and wrong and think that every word out of my mouth is stupid. Not be tense as a bow and thus scale down on extravaganza and slowly become more and more boring. Yes, I wish I could read people. To see what they are after, what they expect and what they want. Sometimes I even wish I could read thoughts, however horrible the secrets you might find out about are. If I could read thoughts, would I fool myself to think foolish things and thus do foolish things that maybe I shouldn't do?

This week has felt like two weeks, and it's about to get longer. I got the job. But I don't want it. I hope I don't have to work next Friday, cause it's Korridorsfest, and I'm really looking forward to that. And I don't really know what I am feeling anymore. Let's settle for Extremely Confused.

Sedan dör man av välbehag

Sånt jävla snedslag helgen var. Fyfan vad jag ångrar att jag åkte ut till skogen. Jag missade en najs utgång, lägenheten var tom så potentiella för- och efterfester missades ju såklart också. Dessutom missade jag chansen att sexa upp en het kille, vi hade ju kunnat hålla på hela natten eftersom lägenheten var tom (som sagt). Jag kunde också avklarat lite shopping och varit mindre stressad nu när en helvetisk vecka har börjat. Nej, istället sitter man där i ett regnigt Blekinge, på gränsen till Småland, med en pappa som klagar på att man röker, och en A som inte gör situationen bättre. Maten var såklart utmärkt, som alltid: spare ribs, Texas-burgers, traditional English breakfast etc. Gourmet-familjen in their prime. Missförstå mig rätt, jag älskar min familj, men just nu vill jag ha ett eget ställe so bad att det är fysisk smärta. Egen lägenhet. Hur mycket fest, utgång, rökande och sex man vill. Som tur var fick underbara Molina mig på bättre humör, med allt prat om Paris och att vi kanske ska dela lägenhet nästa sommar. Ja tack. On other notes, my Justin is back in my life. Let's see how long that lasts. I give it a week, and then he'll be gone again. Provjobba imorgon, är så nervös att hela jag skakar. Fast det kanske bara är koffein-överdos och nicotin-abstinens. Vi får se hur det går. Men helgen vill jag väldigt gärna ha ledig till att träffa folk. Är på ett förjävligt humör just nu - vill gråta, skratta, skrika, tiga - allt på samma gång. It's tearing me apart and now that everything is happening at once I just want everything to stop. No, I don't really want that. But a long, undisturbed sleep would be incredibly nice.... Och jag har ett nytt mål i livet, provided by the aawesomely wonderful Lavendelpojken Ludde: Att Dö Av Välbehag. Yay.

Learning to Fall

Yes. That's exactly what I have to learn. To fall for someone...

I feel so grown up working at an office! It's like... amazing! I love it, even if the work I do is kinda repetitive right now. And I love Magda. She makes every day brighter. Had a movienight tonight, after work. McDonalds, kindereggs, candy, Ben&Jerrys... Then we watched Bolt and Bruno. Bolt is a funny movie. Cute. But Bruno was just sick. We were in such a state of shock we almost had to puke. We went for a walk to calm down. Now in retrospective, it wasn't all that bad. I mean, it was a good movie, in the sense that it can procure really strong reactions, and some parts were hilarious. We had to watch the Hills after just to get other pictures in our heads. Like replace the images of aggressive gay porn with images of Lauren, Heidi and Audrina.

Now I've packed my bags to go out into the woods. It's gonna be nice. Pick mushrooms, autumn walks, hot chocolate, just relaxing. Play cards and other board games, cook amazing dinners on all the mushrooms we're gonna find... And read. I'm not gonna think about the week after that when I have to provjobba, cause that will just make me really nervous. This weekend is in the sign of relaxing. And thinking. And be at peace. It's all sort of coming together now. I hope. Even if I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart... I got a closet filled up to the brim with the ghosts of my past and the skeletons... Now I'm running and screaming...

Work tomorrow

I'm so glad drama is out of my life. Watching The Hills, which is kinda brain dead, you just feel so grateful that all that "highschool" stuff is behind you. Lauren pisses me off. It pisses me off that people are too judgmental, petty and arrogant to not give second chances, work things out and be chill and have a good time instead of running around with the “I'm-not-talking-to-that-bitch” attitude.

With that said, I am really nervous to start working tomorrow. I really wonder how it will be. I need my dad to come home so he can give me a briefing or something. Oh, and the weekend was so much fun. Thursday was beers with a cute guy and being devious. Friday was watching tv with Mirre, being hungover, blissfull, and eating pizza. Saturday was singstar with the rest of the lil sisters. And Sunday was crazyness (as usual) at Magda's place with some fun people. Getting drunk from cheap wine, biting contests and discussing boys&girls and relationships. Watching Twilight drunk was definitely an experience... Oh oh and I got another job offer. In a bar! Will go there next week to try out. It will be evenings and weekends, so now I'll get to see what working two jobs will do to you...

Delight and Angers

Everyday takes figuring out how to live, Sometimes it feels like a mistake, Sometimes its a winners parade, Delight and angers, I guess thats the way its supposed to be... Please heal me, I cant sleep Thought I was unbreakable,but this is killing me Call me, everything Make me feel unbreakable, lie and set me free

(In Flames)

Feels like I should write something now that it is a new month. Well, I have work for a month now at least, which roxorz boxorz. Love that. And I'm hoping to get work after as well. If things go as I have planned. I can't say I'm bored, various crazy upptåg keep me satiated. Like helium balloons. And vampires. Dead to the world. And music and movies and good food and good company. Still, when you get an email from the hole in your heart you start thinking about what you are really missing and if what you're doing is very wise. Is it, isn't it, is it? Flickan som lekte med elden... Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why am I a tease? Why and why and why... And the world keeps turning. Relentlessly. And watching the world, the people in it, live their own lives like they forgot all about you, or like they didn't know you from the beginning. Maybe everyone is just too busy. And busy people don't have time for un-busy people. Nonetheless, I am here if they feel like keeping in touch. And I'll probably always be.

The Ugly Truth

What the fuck do they think with? Their dicks? Maybe I didn't sleep with you for a reason assface? Use some other body part to think with for a change. And yes, maybe I dissed you, but I'm too nice to say it straightforward. But if you text me at 04.30am then what do you expect? Oh I'm sorry, you were at a party? Well do I look like I care, manwhore? Maybe you see yourself as God's gift to all women, but I don't find you the least attractive, especially not when you're crawling before my feet, desperately texting me in the middle of the night trying to get in my pants. Have you ever heard about the thrill of the hunt? Let the lioness hunt for a change. Don't just fall to the ground like paralyzed prey. I know I'm gorgeous, but you don't have to get so enchanted you give up on the spot. Suspense. Well I guess some guys just can't handle their blue balls well. Just because we fooled around before doesn't mean I'm promising to take it all the way. Maybe I don't feel like it anymore. Maybe your dick was too small.

Anyway, that was one guy. Then there's another, but at least he is nicer and cuter and more interesting. Then there's another one. Who I'm meeting this week and let's see what mood I'm in then. Don't tell me. I know. I have turned into a player like I said. And I love it. And hate it. It's terrible to torment the poor guys like this. It's terrible to torment myself like this, by being a cold hearted bitch. Vad spelar det för jävla roll om någon vill njuta av din kropp om de skiter totalt i din själ? Anyway, entertaining movie. Cheers Magda. We don't need boys.

Fierce redheads

There's something special about being a redhead. More heads are turned, more attention, random guys showing appreciation. Like what the fuck. But I can't say I don't enjoy it. I love my red hair and my bangs. There's something lusty about red hair. Like fire. Like fierce. It's almost like I had a Top Model makeover.

So there was a little party last night. Semi-party. Drinking, waterpipe and laughing our asses off. Listening to rad hardcore music. Dancing. Singing our lungs out. It was supposed to be a movienight but I guess it got a little off track. But it was fun. And there was a guy as well. I don't know where that will lead but maybe it will lead somewhere. But he's not that badass and I have realized that if I don't have to work hard to get what I want, I sort of don't want it... I dunno. Night before the semi-party it was just me and Mags and FFX. God I missed that game.

And I'm still looking for a job. Tonight it's celebrating lil sis and eating out at T.G.I Fridays. And next week is more of looking for a job.

I wanna do bad things to you

That True Blood theme song is so amazing. I don't know who you think you are but before the night is through, I wanna do bad things to you... Have seen the whole first season now. And since I've read the first book in the series the tv-show is based on, I knew everything that happened until episode 9. I like the actors, very much. Anna Paquin who plays Sookie (I loved her as Rouge in the X-men movies), Stephen Moyer as Bill (he makes a perfect Bill, he's not exactly sexy but he still is, it's so fucked up), Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette (he's brilliant!)... and Alexander Skarsgård as Eric, oh my god, he's gorgeous as that character... Well, I guess I fell prey to the hype.

Worked this evening, it was ok. Needed it. And damn, some exercise at the gym did me good. And a new haircut and a new hair colour. Didn't know what to think at first, but now I fell in love with it. Have you ever had the feeling you want to eat yourself? No? Well, I've had it several times, no matter how fucked up that may sound. When I got my new perfume, Strip, from Agent Provocateur and wore it for the first time, I just wanted to eat myself up cause it smelled so delicious. When I fell in love with my new hair, I got that feeling again, I just wanted to eat myself up cause I looked so cute. Arrrgh, self imploding on that statement. But anyway. Vampires, vampires, vampires. I think I need to contact Magda before I start biting random people...

Utan karta för vardagen

Fyfan vad vilse jag går ibland alltså. Så jävla vilse. Såna jävla humörsvängningar. Ena sekunden vill jag hoppa framför ett tåg, det finns inget hopp, bara nattsvart självhat, det finns inga möjligheter, aldrig en chans att jag får ett jobb, eller att det finns en framtid. Sen nästa timme, efter ett antal utskickade jobbsökningar känns det mer hoppfullt, varför skulle jag inte få ett jobb va? Det tar bara lite tid, förr eller senare dyker väl något upp. Det är bara att vara tålmodig, förr eller senare kommer det en jobböppning. Och framtiden löser sig. Vem är det du egentligen gör det här för? Hade du sökt jobb om du inte hade haft en massa förväntningar på dig från omvärlden? Ja, det hade jag antagligen, men de är en stor faktor. Att se alla uppleva en massa saker, universitet och new beginnings, får en själv att känna sig som en big fat looser. Att sitta utan jobb eller kurser att läsa, utan en karta för vardagen, får en att skumpna ihop inuti. Får en att tappa all ork och lust. Ingenting är kul. And I try to set my ego aside. Try to be happy. Men sen går jag vilse igen. Om jag inte hade behövt pengar hade jag varit lycklig med att inte göra någonting den här hösten, bara fortsätta skriva på det jag nu äntligen kommit igång med att skriva. Men jag kan skriva samtidigt som jag har ett jobb. Åh fan alla gudar i himlen, ge mig ett välbetalt, intressant heltidsjobb! Åh fan. Snälla. Hundreds of dreams taking place around me. Kanske ska gå till gymmet imorgon och få in lite positiv energi i kroppen. Och sen vill jag klippa lugg och färga håret rött. Det kanske jag gör efter vad jag antar blir den sista kvällen på Marinan på lördag. Och såg en bra film idag: Easy Virtue. Med Ben Barnes, han är snygg. Hejdå.

P. Sawyer is back

What do you do when you discover a lot of time has passed without you really realizing? Well, sometimes it amazes me. Still looking for a job. The record company couldn't offer any paying positions at the moment but they asked for a CV for future reference. On top of that I have applied for at least 12 different waitress jobs and 3 store jobs. We'll see if I get anything. If I don't, well then I would just have to continue what I'm doing now: writing and reading. Reading "The Historian" at the moment, a really captivating book, even scary at times. And watched all of the lord of the rings movies extended versions again, nostalgia. Put together my LP player. Went to a dinner. Out with friends. Movienight. Even though Mom thinks I have the swineflu. Who doesn't think they have the swineflu these days anyway? And continuing driving. Since I don't have anything else, maybe it's finally time for a driving license. At least I haven't crashed Mom's car yet.

Now, a very dear friend is leaving the country on Tuesday. It will be empty without her. And the situation reminds me a lot of similar situations in my murky past. People always leave. But sometimes they come back. And sometimes there is visiting. And maybe there will be Paris for the two of us later this fall. There will be a visit at some point at least.

We are not what you think we are

So I had an disconcerting experience and an disconcerting dream. There I was, drunk as fuck, and horny, with a cute (arguably hot) and nice guy beside me on our big round couch. We cuddled and made out. But when he wanted more I suddenly wasn't game anymore. I just didn't feel like it. And he was pretty good. But I still didn't feel like it and left the poor guy with blue balls. That was when I realized: I don't think I want to have sex with someone I don't have feelings for. It was a fantastic epiphany. Sex without feelings is just... a passtime.

As for the dream: there I was with an abusive, bad boy boyfriend. Latino, with a temper from hell. And there he comes along, the ultimate good guy. Resposible, mature, cute, caring. It's love at first sight, and though Mr Latino-guy promises he'll kill me someday, I give him the cold shoulder. The blonde good guy becomes my new boyfriend and it's so cute, like we are so shy and hesitant, and when we kiss it's bliss. Anyway, sounds like a cheezy romance daydream any horny girl might have, but it wasn't. Since I had it after my epiphany I think it wanted to tell me that I'm in need of a good guy. No more bad guys for me no.

Sailor Moon

Fate. Destiny. What if you find out that you are from a faraway kingdom, that you are, in fact, a princess of a faraway kingdom? Why was this the dream of my childhood (these days I'm a bit more realistic)? I always thought there had to be something more, life couldn't be just this, the things we see on the surface. There was no place that felt like home, no people I could identify with (no real, living people anyway). No place where I could fit in, where I could feel like just any other normal young girl. It might seem like vanity, to regard oneself too different for earth, but believe me, it was purely despair. And an endless array of why why why don't I fit in? why do I feel like an alien all the time? why do I feel like this to begin with? Sure, we all have periods when we feel alienated and feel like outsiders. Some more than others. Maybe this is more.

Anyway, worked yesterday, working tonight. And tomorrow it is time for Personalfest. yay. B-tema. Anything on B goes. So I'm going to be a Bollywood dancer, fab costume. And what I do in the middle? Watch Sailor Moon. It's the cutest show ever. Along with Ouran High School Host Club maybe. But cute it is. And they are aliens too.

Do you miss me

Do you miss me when I'm feeling sad? Well do you? Or have you lost me like you lost yourself when you lost your way in life? Let me tell you, there's an art in seclusion. Production in depression. Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands. As I am losing self in myself, inner demons make demands. All the words copied from a page. But one thing is true: there is no place in this world for people who have lost their way.

Copenhagen and Christiania was nice. Amazingly beautiful day, fab company, good wine, pretty view. And next day: it's always nice to see Magda. I part dreaded part wished to see Z when I tagged along to Mangakai. Both me and Mags concluded that we have so outgrown that place. Later in the evening we joined forces with the fab Molina to watch Patsy and Eddie. I will miss Absolutely Fabulous. And next day: bumped in to Sara, should really meet up with her. "Lunch" with Mads, always nice, talk talk talk. And now I have earned an evening at home.

I think I need a little time alone again. It feels like I've been fighting something all summer, put on a grim yet happy mask and just taken the pain and smiled. I think I need to crack a little. As autumn falls (ha ha), my perennial depression makes itself known. But no, I don't want to talk about it cause I can't explain it and I just feel silly if i try to.

Jude Law and Tarantino

What can I say? Shakespeare is magical, and most magical when presented in the form it is supposed to be presented in: live on a stage. And with Jude Law as Hamlet, it turned even more magical, if possible. It was very true to original script, with a little touch of spicy here and there. Very ingeniously performed. Like Hamlet's enacted madness - perfection. The imitation of a crab, the dryhumping of Polonius, the clever retorts and the general outsmarting of Polonius. The gooey, repulsive love between Claudius and Gertrude. The brilliant, if yet daft, gravedigger. The gravedigger and Polonius were both played by the same actor, my second favourite next to Jude Law. I'm still not sure if I liked Ophelia or not, but she had a nice voice. I think I like Helena Bonham Carter better in the role of Ophelia, this version was a little too much down to earth. And Mr Gibbs from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies made an excellent Claudius, flawless in every way. And then the stage: Kronenborg slott is a fairytale castle, magical, surrounded by water. With a modest, black, clean cut stage on the courtyard, the audience sitting under an open sky, the castle contributed even more to the setting, the mood, and the magic. As night fell over Elsinore, the stars came out, and the audience sat transfixed by this very goldmine of brilliant acting, I was just really happy to be a part of such an experience. Even if I freezed my butt off. The fame-smitten teenager in me screamed with infinite glee "he looked at me!" every time Mr Law's intense gaze happened to fall on me. He was so far into his character he hardly noticed who he looked at, but I think every female in the audience (which was at least 79%) inwardly screamed with glee at the thought of Jude Law, at the sight of Jude Law, at the sound of Jude Law. We were all very silly on the inside, but on the outside very dignified and composed.

Inglorious Basterds. After a day of shopping, or rather window shopping for my part, with lil sis, we went to see Inglorious Basterds. Oh, I bought new shoes too, it felt like a premiere night. Anyway, where to begin? I can't even describe this weird, creepy, brilliant cacaphony of nazi hate, gore and twisted conversations. As ever, Tarantino shows his gift of possesion , a possesion of how to present things. Let me explain. However we may look to the world, it all comes down to how we present ourselves. How we speak: accent, no accent, what language, how articulate, old-fashioned, flowing or staccato etc. How we look: well-dressed, sloppy, poised, manicured, inspiring of confidence, threatening etc. How we move and what we choose to do. Everyone of Tarantino's characters are extremely possesed, extremely well thought out, and extremly brilliant. Why? Due to the satirical edge, the parodies, and the nods to history, culture and everything else. Might be due to excellent choice of actors as well. But I don't love the actors, not even Brad Pitt. I love Tarantino. The end.

Now I'm looking forward to a day trip to Copenhagen and Christiania later today. And the day after that, I would love some Magda time. I'm just dying to play some Final Fantasy X and maybe watch some Buffy, cook food, eat ice crem, gossip and maybe throw in some waterpipe on top of that. Cheerios.

Ode to joy

Rented movies with sis, and bought her dinner, and she's coming over tomorrow. Then we're gonna go shopping and see Ice Age 3. And today I'm gonna see Hamlet. In Helsingör. Jude Law - live. Oh yes. Yesterday it was Diploma Ceremony. Many were there, which surprised me. Mom brought my stuff over from Ystad so now I'm officially moved back to Malmö. Looking for a job. Sending CV's here and there. After Diploma, me and Maria went around Lund, talk talk talk, ice cream at Per Tutti. Then I met up with Molina in Malmö. Then we met Meng, Alex, Koci, David, Linus and Isabella at BK and all of us went to Carib Creol. Awesome place. Awesome drinks and awesome beer. I just love mojitos. Jerlehag came there. Fredrik and the Razz aswell. Funny guys. Me, Molina, Jerle, Linus, Fredrik and the Razz later went on to Ode to Joy at Operagrillen. Old vinyls on the terass. And now it's a new day. And on Tuesday it is Copenhagen. And on Wednesday it's Magda. Sometimes I just wish you could get money for nothing, a steady paycheck each month, so that you can just go around and enjoy life. But oh no, it doesn't work like that. At least I am writing again. I like that. Might come to something, might not. Anyway, now I'm gonna go eat and then it's Jude Law. Mums.

There's a shield around us

"I miss my free time" - yadayada, what a whining bitch I sound like sometimes. I haven't yet fully realised that working everyday IS my life for at least another year. Well, not everyday, but close to almost. Anna called and said that maybe I needed some free time. Some time to just relax. But that would feel like a failure since everyone else is either at Uni or working. Anyway, saw Edward Scissorhands for the first time last night, can't believe I haven't seen it before. Loved it, it's such a wonderful tale. And easy to recognise oneself in it: despite all the good-natured intentions of doing good and making people happy, everything turns horribly wrong. (Yes, that used to be me). And the night before that, I was out dancing with workmates. My boss is very generous, but she might be a little annoyed at me now cause I told her about how mom blamed her for me getting shitfaced last time we were out with work. It was a joke. My mom knows I can drink well enough on my own, she certainly does not believe that it was anyones fault. But my boss seemed to take the joke quite literally, and now it seems like I'll never hear the end of this. Anyway, met a seriously cute boy, but he lived far away and I didn't want to invite him over. But we talked quite alot, serious talk, pretty cosy. Days before that, I only worked and read Harry Potter and the Half-bood prince. Still feels immensly weird that everyone is starting school and I am not. Well, I'll see my old school on Saturday when I'll be back there for the Diploma Ceremony. Mom forced me into bringing her. She will embarrass me, I know she will. And I never have time for anything anymore. Before, I was always online msn, no I'm never ever online, and if I am, it's like for 10min. And I'm bad at staying in touch, and I always feel like no one wants to hear from me, you know like "Oh no, not her again". And I'm in this weird vulnerable mood right now when I just think everyone hates me, and just want to be reassured by people that I have the right to exist. Mom calls it angst periods. But hell, what do I know... I'll stop now. Bye.

Burns like the sun

So what else has happened. Eventful weekend. Told you about malmöfestival, buddha and kb. Then it was Sunday and a hospital visit. Han fick en fin Hello Kitty målarbok i present med slight modifications, typ Arab-kitty, Hitler-Kitty etc. Very nice. Then it was talking in the park with Cessy. Harry potter movie (again for me) with Cessy and his mom. Then sleepover, talk, talk, talk. Then Monday I was just too beat to do anything, sleep, sleep, sleep. Tuesday was errands, bank, CV-handouts, ice cream with Maria and Mads, malmöfestivalmat with T, meeting up with Magda, her sister and people. Then Molina and movienight. Patsy and Eddie fucking rocks. Wednesday was sleep, then cleaning the whole apartment, washing dishes, watching telly. Magda coming over, langos and chilldrinking wine on my awesome balcony. Were going to Dead by April but Amiralen was too stuffed with people so no luck there. Going to Bodoni, cheap beers and hard rock. Meeting Fredrik. Making out with M. Yay. Smoke bubbles, haha. Going to Babel, but the guards were really assy, it was 20 and they wouldn't let us in. So I bought a kebab and since Fredrik didn't wanna keep me company I went home. Listening to music, turning on my emo charm, before falling asleep. Waking up, packing, train to Ystad. The fucking train was so fucking delayed, had to wait in Svedala for an hour due to technical failures. Ugh. Home. Then work. And I work tomorrow, and the day after that. I miss my free time.

My sisters have started school now. Miriam just started Media at LBS. Sounds so awesome and I'm jealous. I wanna go to school too, meet new people and have fun. I mean, it's not the same thing when you work. How the hell are you supposed to get a bunch of nice new friends then I wonder. Guess my social skills are too bad for making new friends. Or maybe I'm underestimating myself. The summer season is coming to and end, and I wonder if I'll stay in touch with any of my work mates. Probably not. Anyway, I just want to go back to school.

Vi drar till Malmö

Had a really chill day with Molina today, fikaing at Glassfabriken at möllan. Awesome place. She always show me new wonderful places in Malmö that I had no idea existed. Btw, I love being free. Free from work. Partied two nights in a row. First night, Buddha, with Soph, Freddie, some randoms, Gustav and Magda. Much dancing and much fun. Early night but I was drunk as fuck so maybe that was a good thing. Fyllemad på BK. Najs. Then the next day, hungover, I met up with Molina as stated. Heldag på Malmöfestivalen. Mika, Miss Li och Timbuktu. Mika only played four songs but he is so awesome anyway. Miss Li = Oh boy, you make me feel like, oh boy, you make me feel like no boy, can make me feel like you nananana. Cute and indie, dancing around being scorned by fjortisar. Anyway, home to the balcony, chilldrinking wine before timbuktu. Regrettably I did not get drunk, but it was cozy as hell. Then meeting up Emmy and Mads. Watching Timbuktu. He is always better in Malmö. I don't know what does it, but he is always always better when he plays in Malmö. Then after, we were gonna go out. It turned out to be KB, which always has some nice rock music going on, this time was no disappointment. Dancing, dancing, dancing. Still not drunk, not even tipsy even after a sangria and two beers. And the hot friend of M wasn't single, I got kinda pissed. He was hot. And nice. But I don't know if his name was Christian or Stefan. Anyway, there's a story behind all that. Tomorrow, in like a few hours actually, I am going in to Lund to meet Cesar. It will be very nice. As you can tell from all of this, I am having way too much fun to go back to working... Let's just hope I don't start until like Wednesday next week...

Wear your heart on your sleeve

Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked so easily - weak people, in other words - they stand no chance...

Wise words of Severus Snape. It made me think of a certain person. A person who is leaving now. And I might not see him for a very long time. He is very hard to read. Stonefaced. Or not really stonefaced. Just like kapow. Can't read it, can't see behind it. And I will miss that face...

I, on the other hand, is a person with my heart very much on the sleeve. Maybe I'm not easy to read at all times, and hide a lot of things, but I have a hard time controlling emotions, and I easily wallow in sad memories. When he has left, I don't want to wallow in memories. My life will have to go on.

Now to the final thing about this quote: Is being emotional equal to being weak? Are you a weak person if you're not able to control your emotions? I used to think so. I used to revere Jedi philosophy, later Buddhist philosophy. And they both lean towards that emotion creates suffering. But now, I don't know anymore. If you show your emotions, you put yourself out there, expose yourself. And for that you need bravery, you need to be strong, or develop strength...

Two more days of work... Only two... Then Malmö and people. I miss you all guys... And a special word out for Wellington who at the moment is hospitalized. Read and recover my friend, my thoughts are with you.

Worst day ever

I've just experienced one of the worst days in my entire life. The night before the day and arguably the morning of this very very bad day was awesome: chilldrinking on the beach with Mads and Nina. We had a really good time, badade i havet, grillade, drack, snackade, skrattade... And we "met" three Stockholmare. If the guys we invited to this beach thing would have shown up, I bet the night would have been very different. But now, since they didn't show, we talked to these three guys instead. And it turns out they're only 17. I laughed. And said "åh va gulligt" på stockholmska. Anyway, we went to where I work to drink some more, and we all got drunk. Then we went for another swim in the sea. And then we went to my place. All in all a very cozy and nice evening/night. The hangover the day after, today, was far less cozy. Not cozy at all actually. It didn't exactly help that I had to get up for work at 9 and then start at 10. Worked from 10 to 16, so fucking gone and exhausted already before starting work. Imagine what I am now, after work. No, it was seriously the worst ever working with this hangover. And I don't like my work. I want to quit. I don't want this anymore. I am tired of it. Exhausted. And it feels like I never have the free time to do what I want.

I forgot to mention I saw Public Enemies this week. Such a good movie. Johnny Depp as John Dillinger, can it be more awesome?

And now I have five more days of work. Working nine days in a row, long nights, should seriously be forbidden by law.

How it goes

The fucking flash thing can go fuck itself. Anyway, my sisters left mum's place yesterday and it's fucking lonely out here now. No playing in the pool, teasing each other, pissing each other off, going to get dvds and candy, going for random walks... Instead we have suntanning alone, watching episodes of The Hills and Skins. The Hills inspired me to go look for internship at places I really really wanna work. Like record labels. So we'll see how that goes. Two days of work, three more to go. And G texted wanting to know what my schedule looks like now. Should I answer or no? I actually have no clue what it looks like after sunday. Maybe I'll get the weekend off, like I want to, to go to Way Out West. And to meet Tom. Hehe. And in that case I'll probably work Monday and Tuesday. Or I wont get the weekend off and just work work work. Anyway. Tomorrow, work. Sat - work, then beach with friends. Sun - work (I actually open on sunday which means not too much alcohol the night before). Then no idea. And oh, Malmöfestivalen coming up. I heard Mika was coming?? And Diploma Ceremony and that Hamlet thing with Jude Law.. That will be nice.. I need these little things to keep me up throughout working. Today I closed, it was fun dancing around cleaning tables while singing and watching work mates get drunk, they were the last to leave. But before that it was murder. Now I'm going to smoke a cigarette before bed. I quit yesterday, or maybe it was the day before that. Cheerios.

My dream is to fly

Four days of freedom passed. Now it is back to reality. Work. Grr. I don't think I appreciated the freedom enough. But anyway. This time around it was time for conversations, reading, and watching skins. Also a night out with the girls. Which was crazy but awesome. I had a really fun time dancing my ass off, actually dancing my studded belt off. It kept falling to my feet, which was pretty inconvenient. Woke up with a beautiful hangover. Went out to town to meet Linus, and we went for coffee/beer, ice cream, and then back to Ystad. Felt really good to meet him again, I'm so glad he's better. And hopefully he'll be at Araneya's thing on saturday too. Which btw will be an interesting event.

And despite all the half accounted for drama, I found myself really liking life. If I just find a nice, NOT stressful job for the autumn, everything is pretty close to perfect. Now I'll just have to get through the last months of work here and then... And then...

In the mystery time of cold and rain

Slitna jeans, oversize vitt linne, kedjor, läder, high heels, Prince light in one hand, the bangles clanging. That is me. Slight disregard for rules, paranoia to the max, don't trust anyone, cynical. That is me. Some words get stuck in my mind. Like "I don't know if I am a player but I'm heading that way". Last time, spoken by a boy I was falling for. This time, spoken by me, by choice. I will have a hell of a time playing around. Because of all the people who have hurt me. I don't think they even know, I'm very quiet when I'm hurt. Instead of going drama on the hurters, I withdraw, like a wounded cheetah. And like I said to mom: "Kärlek är fucking skit. Killar är fucking dumma i huvet."

Looking for intense moments. More and more often, I wake up in the now, see things more clearly. And an interesting guy contacted me on facebook, I was mightily surprised, but in a good way. Party. What's the point of caring about people when so few care back. What's the point of looking for honest feelings when so many are playing. Right now, writing this, I feel so amazingly good about life. Life is a game. Who follows the rules. And who breaks them.

I know what you did last summer

So I was thinking on the train again. I was comparing this summer to last summer, what was different and what was not. Let's see. Last summer, I had the same job, but I don't recall it ever being this much work or this stressful. Last summer, I managed to finally get Z out of my head, with slight downfalls like Metaltown. Last summer, I worked at Metaltown and WCR, and loved it, and would really have liked to at least have attended those festivals. I went to Hultsfred, which I did this summer too, and it was ten times the more fun this time around, because of the fun people we met there, and because of being in Träsket, close to the lake and the festival area. Last summer, I didn't talk to that person at all. Which I haven't much this summer either, because of the same stupid thing. Regrettably, that's up to her. Last summer when G came home, I was pretty much just as indifferent as this time around, but he turned out to be more of an asshole this summer. Last summer, I had a lot of feelings going this way and that, angst for friend-situations, hate against some, conflicted love towards some, regret and shame regarding some situations. I was younger. I was more easily hurt. I didn't see myself as clearly as I do now, and I wont let myself think I'm a bad person, that i did wrong, because of bad self-esteem. If I know in my heart it was right, then that's good enough for me.

And then there's this other person that I don't know why is still in my life. Because I know when someone care about me and when they don't. Or when they care but for selfish reasons or wrong reasons. I can just tell. And I know when someone is saying one thing but acting subconsciously differently - then that's the time to get out. Because that person is putting up an act. Or just feeling that you're not good enough, you don't deserve the whole charade. Only the words. I can smell rejecetion ten feet wide. However, some people I will just never manage to read, but I'm still trying to figure out if they're fucking worth the effort or not.

Hit Me

Wake me up, I'm about to give it up.
Hey hurry up, lately it's been hard enough.
Try to shut me up, when you know you should wish me luck.
And you could beat me up, I'm heading for the top.
(The Sounds)

Another week of work, isn't my life interesting. Ended around five friday, took a train directly to Mads. Chillin, movies, talking. Bedtime Stories was ubercute. Especially Russel Brand and Bugsy. Anyway, Mads birthday saturday. Went to see the new Harry Potter movie, which was funny but kinda boring. "But I am the Chosen One" - lame "love" scenes or whatever you could call it. Then dinner at Vespa, and after, chilldrinking at Mynta. Again. They even recognize me there now, which I like. It's kinda nice when the staff knows who you are. Brand-loyalty sort of. Then home to Mads again. And now I am finally home. It is sunday, it is grey outside, but I have Kings of Leon on highest volume in my stereo, and maybe G will visit. And if he doesn't, then I'll call Magda to get her ass over here so we can catch up.

It's not confusing, but I'm hanging on to an image that doesn't really exist. It's always like that with me, fantasies and hopes build up inside me, I imagine perfect scenarios, and then when I finally dare find out what the reality is like, my heart sinks ten thousand feet and is lost and I blame myself for my naivete. I mean, how hard can it be to just let go of someone, stop thinking about that person, stop having hopes, stop dreaming. That's what I want to do: stop dreaming about some people, because the reality will always disappoint me anyway.

HULTSFRED FÖR FAN!

Jag borde sova nu egentligen. Jag är trött som ett grässtrå, men lycklig som en dansade irländare. Denna veckan har bara varit för underbar för att vara sann. Bästa Hultan någonsin, har svårt att tänka mig att något kan slå detta. Ska försöka redogöra lite som hände, alla intryck, alla upplevelser, alla amazing människor är kvar i skallen, studsar runt och skapar lyckokänslor i magen.

Tisdag
Eftersom jag somnade full från gårdagens eskapader på Mynta var jag ju lagom pepp på tåget. Bakfull som ett svin, köpte två stora latte och en räkmacka. Man mår mycket bättre med kaffe. En ensam resa med två byten. Linus tog ju den billigare varianten. Sista biten med festivaltåget kommer för alltid vara etsad i mitt minne: den stigande förväntningen, de obeskrivbara frihetskänslorna när man tittade ut på sjön o dess omgivande skogar som skulle bli ens hem de närmaste dagarna. Sen kliver man ut i eftermiddagssolen och ger L en stor fet kram och ett brett leende som bara säger: "nu förihelvete här vi äntligen här!". Vi beger oss med våra fullastade, groteskt tunga backpacks till Campingentrén där vi får våra band. Vi hade bestämt i förväg att den röda campingen verkade vara the place to be, Träsket är ökänt som den camping där det festas vildast. Och så var det verkligen också. Men anyway, vi kommer ner till udden, blickar ut över nejden, ser en vajande irländsk flagga, och direkt säger Linus: "Här ska vi bo!". Det har precis börjat regna så vi slänger in ryggsäckarna i grannens tält, och börjar jobba på att sätta upp vårat eget. Efter att tältet satts upp kom solen fram igen så det blev riktigt varmt, var tvungen att byta om. Satte oss och snackade, med en öl i näven, med de grannar som väl anlänt (där fanns förvånansvärt mycket plats faktiskt). Peter, psycho-Jonas, Sanna och Micke. En av de första frågorna jag fick av antingen Micke eller Jonas var om jag och Linus var ihop. "Nej nej nej", svarar Emma, "vi är bara kompisar". Och man ser hur deras ögon lyser upp. Hade så jävla kul åt det. Spritpennan åkte fram och jag skrev på Mickes rygg: "Schtek som fan!" och "Jag har myggbett där" med en pil ner i baken. En av de första sakerna han sa till mig var att han hade typ fem myggbett på skinkan. Asgarvade. Sen anlände Mickes stockholmspolare: Artan (den dansande husnegern, också kallad MJ för hans sköna moves), Hobbe ("brudar, brudar, brudar, alla gillar brudar!"), Johan (mästertjuven) och Toll (tollen egentligen men jag tyckte det lät lite weird o kalla nån det). Trevliga små pojkar. Medans de satte upp tält stack Linus, jag, Micke och Jonas för att bada efterson Jonas, som aldrig fick nog av att bada och praktiskt taget badade hela tiden, var pepp på bad, och för att Micke gnällde om att jag var tvungen att tvätta bort det jag skrev på hans rygg. Rev (på ett sexigt sätt såklart) och skrubbade Mickes rygg, kramades med Jonas, solen sken och jag mådde allmänt prima. Fler grannar anlände, västeråsarna Olof, Jonas och Sofie. De fick hjälp av Peter att sätta upp tältet. I början var jag ärligt lite rädd för dem, Jonas och Olof såg inte snälla ut, och de hade någon slags hatkärlek going on där de bara sa "Jag hatar dig din jävel", "Ät bajs och dö!" och "Vill du ha stryk?" hela tiden... Men de visade sig vara snälla och goa, om än lite reserverade. Campet var nu fullständigt, och grabbarna började jobba på att sätta upp sin stora banner med camp-namnet: Camp of the Captains. Fett med najs. Resten av tisdagen fördrevs med rundvandring till olika camp, ICA-shopping, chill, drickande, snackande, och sen helt plötsligt var jag i Mickes knä. Det var mys det. Men jag sov faktiskt i mitt eget tält, i alla fall första kvällen. ;)

Onsdag
Dagen började med tandborstning, energy drink, och banan. Chilldrickande. Bad. Mys i tält. Tror jag drack lite för mycket faktiskt, mådde inte så bra när vi skulle till Dropkick Murphies, eller så var det magknipen jag fick från de där jävla köttbullarna som är så jävla goda. Första festivaldagen, och det inleddes med Dropkick Murphies på den största scenen Hawaii. För att göra detta sköna irländska band ära hade Peter, den lite äldre fadersfiguren som var bartender/ljustekniker som jobbat på Irland, kilt på sig. Och psycho-Jonas hade rödhårig peruk och basker. Killarna moshade och var glada, men jag satte mig vid sidan och rökte efter ett tag. Tillbaka till campet, mer supe, snack och allmänt chill. Hälsade på syrran som jobbade på Ahlgrens och sålde pommes, tiggde till mig några. Fett gott det var. Sen stack jag och Micke till Franz Ferdinand, satt på en filt och hade det allmänt mysigt. Efter det var det Kings of Leon, som jag bara gillar typ tre eller två låtar av. Use Somebody såklart, den kom i slutet, riktigt najs publikskrål på den, gåshud. De var helt ok överlag, om än litet intetsägande, men Sex on fire är en jävligt jävligt bra låt och nu har den blivit lite av min Hultan theme song.

Hot as a fever, rattling bones
I could just taste it, taste it
If it's not forever, if it's just tonight
Oh, it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

You, your sex is on fire
And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

Tillbaka till festande i campet. Artan dansar MJ och freestylar, Hobbe är aspackad och får alla att garva asset av sig med sina klockrena kommentarer och sitt desperata raggande. Han haffade en tjej (eller kille?) i rullstol och anklade henne för rattfylla. Kom senare på att det var fan spakfylla. Han dansade även ute på gångstigen och sjöng "brudar, brudar, brudar, killar gillar brudar, artan gillar killar" osv. Kommer faktiskt inte ihåg om det var just denna kvällen detta pågick men annars var det en av de andra. Peter spelar Drunken lullabies på banjo, och vi disskuterar Japan. Pungmannen kommer förbi med pungen dinglande i det fria i sina trasiga mjukisbyxor. Och vi kommer på kodordet "banan" om Micke lackar för hårt, vilket han hade tendens till ibland. Så fort han börja lacka skrek någon banan. Skitkul. Det var nog denna dag jag skaffade ett vattentoa-band också, ett sånt där rött Rädda Barnen band så man kom in gratis på vattentoan. Fast sen var jag ändå på Bajamajorna, för det hör till när man är på festival, och för att kön till vattentoan var ofta cp-lång. Sov inte i mitt tält denna kväll, höhö...

Torsdag
Inleddes precis som Onsdag, och låt mig påpeka att även om jag inte alltid vaknade först så började jag iaf supa först av alla i campet. Hardcore. 13:00 var det Maia Hirasawa och jag gick med Sanna för ingen annan palla. "Mattis and Maia" och "The worrying kind" var bäst, älskade även hennes mellansnack. "Till alla er som har ett hål i magen". Åh, hon var så söt och så underbar! Sen va det chill fram till 17.30, random stuff happening. Sup. Micke blev redigt packad, så packad att när vi var på The Virgins var han tvungen att gå ut och spy lite. Men jag ville ändå bara höra tre låtar ändå så: Rich Girls, She's Expensive och Private Affair. Det var inte så bra ljud och inget drag heller så jag nöjde mig med det. Sen gick vi för att återhämta oss, och påväg förbi Pampas hör/ser vi Hello Saferide spela The Quiz, fatta om jag blev lycklig då! 19.15 skulle Regina Spektor spela, alla är allmänt dräggiga i campet, men jag får med mig Peter och Olof. Peter försvinner, men han sa att han lyssnade och att jag hade fått upp hans ögon för en ny artist, alltid kul när man kan göra det. När hon spela Samson höll jag på att börja böla. Det regnade, ett fint drissel, och Olof och jag mös under min regnponcho. Hon avslutade med Fidelity och det blev allsång. Helt underbart, älskar att jag äntligen fått se henne nu. Sen var det White Lies, och jag, Linus och psycho-Jonas drog dit. Fyfan asså!! Den tredje bästa spelningen på hela festivalen!!!!! Omg, jag älskar verkligen det här bandet, deras sound och deras mäktiga låtar. Kunde sjunga med här också, vilket jag älskar. Efter White Lies drog jag och Jonas vidare till Sonic Syndicate medans Linus drog till The Killers. Jonas försvann typ två låtar in i spelningen, och hittade tydligen inte tillbaka. Så jag stod själv och headbangade. Jag tyckte inte de körde några av deras bra låtar, förutom House of Cards, och deras spelning på Metaltown förra året var sjukt mycket bättre. Men mellansnacket va fint: "Visa nu att ni är rockare och inte dansare!" Och en kille i publiken hängde sig i järnröret i taket två meter ovanför publikhavet och hängde o dingla där i 10 min innan security tog hand om honom. Jag hann se slutet på The Killers i alla fall, som bl.a. innehöll When you where young, deras absolut bästa låt. Sen tillbaka till Camp of the Captains för mer random nattliga upptåg, supande och rökande. Toll fastnade i en hopfällbar stol, det var jävligt underhållande. Johan gick iväg på stölduppdrag och stal stolar, badpooler och allt möjligt. Han och Olof fann varandra genom sina psykbryt på sagda stolar som inte alltid var så hela. Eller som gick isönder direkt. Killarna var på Ludacris och kom tillbaka orerande. Hade velat se Erik Hassle och Totalt Jävla Mörker, men ingen annan var särskilt pepp på det så då var inte jag det heller. Träffade Charlie också btw, han jobbade som funkis, alltid lika söt. Sov själv och deppa har jag för mig, hormonsvängingar som fan.

Fredag
Vet inte riktigt hur den här dagen började men minns att jag var upprymd, glad och det där ordet på k. Sol, så jag och Micke går till stranden och ligger där och myser. Det var ren lycka. Lillasyster 15.30 var fett med najs, upptäckte ett nytt band tack vare Toll och Micke. Vem e det som står kvar, Lok står när alla andra faller - fett drag. Fast vi stanna inte hela eftersom Toll och Micke var mer pepp på öl. Tillbaka till campet, jag tease:a Micke som fan, hade jävligt roligt, sen brottning, armknäck och en snabbis innan Madness 18.00. Jäkla ballt band alltså: gamla gubbar i svarta kostymer och solglasögon står och ska:kar på scen. Peter och Jonas var sjukt entusiastiska och dansa som galningar. Jag dansa i början, sega ihop bredvid Micke på marken sen. Tillbaka, återhämta sig. Sup. Chill. Snack. Garv. Sen bar det av till Winnerbäck på Pampas för min och Linus del. Säga vad man vill, det är inte min typ av musik, men jag kan erkänna att det är bra som fan, och hans publik är fan den trognaste i Sverige. Jag lämnar Winnerbäck-orerandet åt Linus, haha. När vi kommer tillbaka har killarna varit på Kartellen och är jävligt taggade. Ett tjejgäng dyker upp i vårat camp: Sara, Klara, brottarn (kommer inte ihåg vad hon heter och vill inte heller) och nån till. Brottarn sitter i Mickes knä och de hookar etc, jag blir fett avundsjuk och sätter mig och myser med Olof som revenge (men Micke verkade inte bry sig ett dugg). Rejected och lite halvt nere hånglar jag upp tjejerna istället. Sara var så otroligt söt, en liten emotjej med långt svart hår, djupa ögon och assnygga piercings. Vi kommer på vårat eget handslag, som ägde btw. Och sen drar jag, Sara, Noomi (en tjej som dök upp nån dag och bonda med västeråsarna), Sofie, Jonas och Olof till The Sounds. De andra kilar iväg efter ett tag men jag och Noomi stannar hela spelningen. Fy fan vad snygg sångerskan är alltså, och den porriga saken hon hade på sig, fyfan va najs det var när hon höll på på scenen. Det tyckte nog alla i publiken, especially the males. Kan ju låtarna så det var najs att skrika sig hes. Mycket bättre denna gången jag såg dem än de andra gångerna. Mycket hänger på hur taggad publiken är tror jag. Sen var det såklart Timbuktu, men honom har jag också sett, och jämfört med den spelningen på Malmöfestivalen var den här verkligen ingenting att ha. Som sagt, beror på publiken. Upptäckte att Zach jobbade i security iaf, kram kram. Deppade mest över att Micke hade nytt ragg, men dansade också som en galning och gjorde min obligatoriska insats i allsångskören till Alla vill till himmelen och Det löser sig. Det var en jävligt snygg show om inte annat, med små hyllningar till Michael Jackson instoppade här och var, bl.a. en fantastisk moonwalk performed by timbakken himself. När spelningen var slut och alla skulle gå därifrån började de spela Beat It i bakgrunden till nedmoneteringen av stage-props, och alla, verkligen alla som var påväg därifrån började sjunga med. Mäktigt som fan att bara gå där och sjunga och höra alla andra sjunga med. Gåshud. Tillbaka till campet, Västerås-Jonas är full som ett grässtrå, som han själv sa, helt jävla borta. Köper Tequila av Artan, som Sofie snor, och när Jonas jagar efter snubblar han och skrapar upp hela jävla knäet, AJ! Tequila hälls på såret, men sen dyker sjukpersonal upp och plåtstrar upp honom. Många "Ät bajs och dö!" ryker mellan västeråsarna. Jonas ändrade det iofs senare till "Sug mitt sår, din jävel!" Precis lika charmigt. Sofie myntade förövrigt bästa smeknamnet på Micke: "valpen". Det var något valplikt över honom då och då, speciellt när han ylade/skällde efter snygga tjejer. Ungefär som psycho-Jonas som sprang efter varenda tjej med tungan dinglande ur munnen. Peter liknande honom vid en pudel med en boll. Anyway, västerås-Jonas blir kvällens underhållning då han dräggar sig, kommer med klockrena kommentarer, snubblar på osynliga trådar, välter stolar och tält och pratar med en däckad Sofie inlindad i ett täcke (han kallade henne "masken"). Han tände bl.a. en cigg till henne, öppnade en öl och ställde den bredvid och låtsades att hon var vaken. Kändes som jag skulle dö av skratt. Han askade i sitt eget knä när han somna med en cigg i mungipan, for upp och skulle slåss, asroligt. Läggdags vid femtiden kanske.

Lördag
En allmänt risig dag som ledde till en underbar kväll. Jag var risig som en gammal bil som håller på att lägga av, mensvärk etc, fyfan vad lack jag var. Det bar iväg på T-röd jakt, pengautdrag från den löjligt långa cash-kön och allmänna uppdrag innan spelningarna drog igång. Man hörde Melody Club i bakgrunden medan jag, Linus och Micke vandrade till ICA. Allt gick fel för Micke den här dan. Tappade ut sin öl, sin choklad, hittade ingen T-röd, kunde inte ta ut pengar etc. I pengakön var jag bara allmänt emo för jag mådde så dåligt och tråkade nog ut Micke till döds, men det förtjänade han förfan. Regnade mest av alla dagar också på morgonen, det var sick som fan, depp. Satt under grannarnas pressenning, där Linus hade bondat sig in, så även Micke, kände mig lite utanför där, speciellt när den söta -85:an stirrade surt på mig som att hon ville att jag skulle gå därifrån, och när hon bad mig att ta gruppbild på alla andra. Nej, jag scootade iväg till Olof, Jonas och Sofie och Peter istället, och bara låg och chilla med dem. Vilade lite, var mys-sugen men det verkade inte Micke va. Drog med honom och grabbarna till Promoe, men det var inte nåt superbra, helt ok gung antar jag. Ingen sprit kvar, ingen energidricka, allmänt seg. Psycho-jonas kommer tillbaka helt rökt. Hög som ett höghus och kan inte sluta skratta, har köpt en bandspelare. Allmänt degande, alla var rätt slitna och vädret var pissigt som fan. 20:30 var det dags för Klaxons, jävligt intressant sound alltså, men lite väl konstigt ibland, de hade lätt snyggast scenkläder iaf. Direkt efter Kid Cudi. Fyfan. Näst bästa spelningen på festivalen. Vilken stämning, vilka låtar. Embrace the Marsian ägde sönder. Men avslutningen med klubb-remixen på Day N Nite (han körde både originalversionen och remixen) slog fan alla rekord. Lyfte taket i Teaterladan. Stället förvandlades till ett rave, med hoppande, extatiska människor, blinkade ljus och denna feta remix som är så satans bra att det inte går att beskriva. Den låten var lugnt bäst på festivalen. Sedan köade jag till SMK, ville va längst fram och Winnerbäcks Grande Finale på Hawaii var jag inte jätteintresserad av, once again, I leave the Winnerbäck-talk to the fanatics ;) Hamnade längst fram till höger, mosad mot det jävla stängslet, Zach jobba där med. Sjukt stämning, insane publik, men en ännu mer insane show. SMK är fan inte kloka i huvet, de dansade runt nakna ppå scen, viftade med björkkvistar, sprutade konfetti, slog kullerbyttor, tokdansa, skickade upp ostron, kräftor, pengar, allt möjligt i rymden och pratade om heroin och att supa och all möjlig skit. Fyfan vilken show, helt amazing. Och musiken är så bäst. Så pepp, så tagg, man blev på topp på en sekund trots allt trycket. SMK var bäst på hela festival. Alltså är festivaltoppen: 1.SMK, 2.Kid Cudi, 3.White lies. Tror inte Linus håller med men det här var de spelningar jag verkligen älskade. Tillbaka till campet, där Tom dyker upp efter att han ringt och undrat efter mig. (träffade honom på morgonen och käka choklad och dela en cigg, han verkade helt förälskad, lite kul haha). Satt i Toms knä och mös men längtade egentligen bara efter Micke. Micke höll sig borta från tjejer och när han sa att han va sliten och skulle sova så fråga jag om jag skulle sova i hans tält, och det ville han trots att han såg allt hångel med Tom. Västeråsarna var också slitna. Men jag var tagg som fan efter SMK. Innan peppen la sig hann vi med att vara med på den rörliga spontanfesten som samlades runt en kille som drog runt med bergsprängare. Där var även Zach. Hej hej på dej. Han verkade lite depp. Jaja. Dansade crazy med Micke, Toll och Artan. Yeah. Sen tillbaka till campet. Snack och sång. Jag och Tom sjöng Hallelujah. Tillslut gick Micke och la sig och jag joina. Men då är Toll, Artan, Hobbe och Johan helt plötsligt skittaggade och börjar psykbryta som fan, de går på värsta rampage:en. Ricky, ett tjocko som var i vårt camp förra kvällen med kommer dit precis när killarna tänder eld på ett tält, och han tar upp det och springer iväg med det genom hela Träsket. Psycho. Sen fortsätter de med att spruta in Axe i Mickes tält, hälla sås på det och täcka det med skräp. Micke dampa som fan, rusar ut och slänger iväg Artan som en vante. Toll filmar hela skiten, och det blev värsta Hultsfredsturken: "Vem fan vare som hällde sås på mitt tält?!" De lugnar sig efter många om och men, men hela Träsket är ändå i anarki. Stackars polisen den kvällen, everyone went fucking nuts. Myspys, somnar.

Söndag
Vaknar av fucking väckarklockan. Vill inte gå upp. Hjälper Micke packa lite, försöker ta reda på hans stormkök. Kollar på när Linus gör ett konstverk med pressenningsfolket. Följer Micke till hans buss. Snyft. Sen ICA. Sen vårat eget tåg. Nu hemma. Annas födelsedag. Firande. Men jag trött. Nu sova.

Saknar Hultsfred som fan. Stämningen. Kärleken. Människorna. Är så underbart glad att jag åkte, trots allt strul. Och att jag hade roligare detta året än förra bevisar bara hur bra det funkar att bara åka två pers, för man träffar så asgoa nya människor i campen att hänga med. Och vi hamnade verkligen rätt vid Irlandsflaggan i Camp of the Captains. The memories will live forever, especially the sunny moments and the kisses...

Girl with golden eyes

I know why drug addicts do it now. Apart from their addiction. They continue to the bottom, to the bottom of heroin. Because they can. And because:

THEY WANT SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT THEM ENOUGH TO GO AND GET THEM BACK FROM HELL.

it doesn't matter about the drugs. they just want someone to see them, truly SEE them and pick them up from the bottom of the bottom. they want someone to SHOW just how much they CARE and pick them up. Help them, care, see, trust, LOVE them. No matter what shit they're in, OR WHAT FUCKING SHIT THEY HAVE DONE.

Mads my love,
maybe you overreacted, im too tired to write a SMS back, and honestly, im too drunk to type on those motherfucking small buttons on the cp-telefon i got now. I just hope you read this. I may be an easy lay and whatever, i know you are not. Like A, you got something called INTEGRITY and you guard your innermost feelings well. Something I have never managed. Something I envy the both of you. You are a lovely person, despite your bad self-regard, and I just hope you might see just how wonderful you are. And of course, drinking is your own choice as always, and I will always love you no matter what. Du kommer alltid vara min närmaste vän oavsett vad som händer. Jag älskar dig, so don't let me slip away. Don't let me fall to the bottom. Because I would never let you. Och jag vet att en låttext bara är en låttext ibland. ;)

A darling,
I'm sorry I had my doubts about you. I'm drunk and honest so just let me speak my mind. I thought you had transformed into this shallow, american-high-school-drama-ish type. But I was wrong, and I know that now. Jag älskar dig också, for what it's worth.

Maria din knasboll,
jag har saknat dig! Du är awesome. Stay in touch please!

And last but not least,

G I fucking hate you and love you at the same time,
Du sa att du inte är "the cheating type", menat som att jag var det då. Men fuck you, det är jag inte. Och no matter what fleeting love interests I might have had in your absence, så har du alltid first dibs on my heart. Och det borde du ha vetat from the beginning. Den enda som kanske kunde tagit din plats var Nis, och jag vet att han är ett asshöll nu, men det är kanske du också nuförtiden? Det verkar verkligen så ibland. Det var trevligt att se dig ivarjefall.

That was all I had to say, Long Live Michael Jackson. Peace dudes.

Snart Hultsfred!

Jobbat hela helgen. Imorgon köpa necessities: tandkräm, våtservetter, silvertejp etc. Åka till Malmö och packa klart allt grejs. Kolla IB resultat. Yay. Sen träffa folk på Mynta. Sen hem och sova. Sen tåg. Sen är Hultsfred officially igång! Ipod shuffle för att jag var uttråkad. Tråkiga svar också. Förutom dessa:

How do my friends see me?
"Arms Race" - remix by Tyga, Kanye West and others - originally by Fall Out Boy
//My arsenal's enough to send Hell's angels to Heaven//I'm cool as the Fonz, and deadly as Charles Bronson//Pardon me, I'm allergic to bullshit //Got a god complex with a full clip (pow!)
//With the ruly attitude, ignorant, arrogant dude //Excuse me, I'm only seventeen (that's my age)//I'm not a shoulder to cry on, but I digress //I'm the leadin' man and the lies I weave are//Oh so intricate, oh so intricate//I pledge allegiance to gasoline and bulletproof limousines//I'm more like an armed dealer, literally//Hey, I'm so cool, even I wanna be me

How is my life going?
"Seatbelts off let's go" - Adair
(pretty much, yeah)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Party in your bedroom" - Cash Cash
(not really, no. That doesn't stop me from wishing it was so.)

...

I don't want to move. My stomach might start hurting again if I do. I got shitloads of tip this evening, which is very nice. Do you want to know what I've done with all my previous tip? Of course you do. Bought cigarettes. Now I got shitloads, so now I can buy shitloads. And I haven't eaten much today, because when you work that stressful job you don't have very much time for anything but working. I guess that is bad. I guess smoking is bad. I don't smoke very much. And I ride my bike very fast every day, which counts as exercise. I am a good samaritan. Whatever that entitles.

I told myself I would write in my blog tonight when I got home from work. It is now 2am, I got home half an hour ago. But I don't know what to write about except for the good tip I got this evening. I don't want to work tomorrow. I don't like it when it's so stressful. I don't like having muscle cramps, shoulder ache, stomach ache, head ache, nervosity. Oh, btw, I saw Matilda. She was at the restaurant. She hasn't changed much. She has long hair again. I wish we could hang out like it used to be. But we are too far apart in personality, which I already knew when I distanced myself from her after 9th grade. Maybe she knew it too. But she was a fun person, loyal, beautiful mind. And we have some great great memories together. Speaking of great memories; it was great seeing Sara again, just chillin by the pool. And I love my little sisters, they make me feel whole and complete. Bye for now, I need to sleep.

No matter where life takes us

So another week has begun... The bigger picture is kinda hard to see right now, even if I try to plan. Only worked 3 hours today, but yesterday and the day before that I worked 10 hours straight, with only one short break. Running around and standing up the whole time - my feet and my shoulders are in a pretty sorry state. Anyway, what does it matter. Paycheck please. Tue - work. Wed - hope I'm free to go into Malmö and do some shopping, otherwise work. Thu - Sara <3. American Gods finished now, like more than 1000 pages... Mists of Avalon started, an even thicker brick, but a very entertaining one. Rereading it in english since I loved it so much when I read it in swedish when I was like 12.

The beauty lies in making your way not back to what it was before, but forward into new uncharted regions.

Hope all of you reading this know that there is someone out there who truly loves you exactly as you are, for being yourself, no matter what. Hold on to them, and don't let them say goodbye.

Hope is the thing with feathers

You know the world can see us, in a way that's different from who we are...

Gerard:

right before I was to go on stage I washed my face in the sink, and I look into the mirror, and say to myself "you're still not cool". that was the best revelation ever. that I'm never gonna be cool and so everyone out there trying to be cool should just stop. cause you're never gonna be cool.

we were the kids in the back, wearing black, hanging out by ourselves.

a lot of people think they can solve their problems with anti-depressants. but that really strips people of who they are. all the depressions, all the failures, that's what makes you you. there's a lot of drugs out there that will take that away from you.

Pete:

people love us for the wrong reasons and hate us for the wrong reasons. that's ok. for people to love and hate us. and care. haha.

fame has made me paranoid personally... you feel like you're never really by yourself.

Nikki Sixx:

That's the thing about artists: that we just can't stop being creative.

Emily Dickinson:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Everyone thinks they're original

They all do the same things. They may think their sins are original, but for the most part they are petty and repetetive.

I don't know where to go, what's the right thing. I want my own dream. Ok, ok. I see the points. I see what some may think or not think. And I try to not care. Heck, who doesn't try to not care about what people think, thoughts that you know in your heart are wrong, misjudges. Thoughts you wish you could turn around, show them that it is not what they think.

More and more responsibility at work, it's like easing into it.. I just hope I will manage to find a replacer the days I need to be away. I thought of skipping Hultsfred. But then I realized, if I don't go to a festival this summer, I am gonna go crazy. And the lineup is fucking good. I'm just there for the music this time. Music, music, always music.

What if you were a god, could manipulate time and space and walk "backstage". In American Gods, a storm is coming: a battle between the ancient gods of old from every culture imaginable (Odin, Horus, Giant Serpent and so on) and the gods of the Modern Age (Television, Lawenforcement, Economy). It will be interesting to read about...

Go on believing it was all a lie

You judge without seeing the whole picture, hand out wrongs in blindness, sit on your high horse and laugh down at the servants at your feet. Or am I getting this tale wrong, the wrong ends, the wrong means, the wrong reasons for the right thing or the right reasons for the wrong thing? I'll keep on twisting words for pleasure and hide inside my hood of music, I never speak up, but this time I just had to. Why don't I speak up? Well firstly, I don't take pleasure in judging others, telling them what they did wrong, what they should change. I believe everyone can take care of who they are, take resonsibility for their actions. Or maybe not everyone can? Secondly, who am I to judge others anyway? Thirdly, judging others, telling them this or that, is just pathetic. Of course one is free to speak ones mind, whether someone hurt you or not, but keep the accusations out. Keep the moral cake out. Stuff it down your own throat, please, I don't want it. Our morals are pretty far from one another anyway. And if you tell me all this, maybe you never knew me. Which would justify my feeling that you never saw who I truly was.

Did you forget that I was even alive?
Did you forget everything we ever had?

Cigarettes are soothing. True friends are soothing. Movies, laughs, candy, popcorn. It wont be long till the summer's gone. My life is an open road. Where I go from here, is an enigma. But all you phonies out there, go on seeing yourself on top of a piedestal, go on live your perfect lives, you have no idea what you are missing...

I'm in love with a fairytale

Even though it hurts... I don't care if I loose my mind...

Do you know what I really want? I want to walk into a crowded room, see the hottest guy I've ever seen in my entire life, a guy who makes my heart speed up like mad, and think "there he is, the man I'm going to marry" and then get him and live happily ever after. That is precisely what I am longing for. Butterflies, a feeling, something. But my heart is empty.

Except for family then. Family is always first. I love my sisters above anything. I tell them that every chance I get. And I kiss mom and tell her how amazing she is. And how proud I am to be part of this family. This unique, weirdo, chaotic, magical family.

This life I lead now is pretty sweet. Apart from the mistakes I make at work, which are murder. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm like a chihuahua trying to trample water in the middle of the Pacific. I have barely any free days now. So many working days. It's kinda stressful.

I have no money on my cell phone, so everyone writing me, I am not ignoring you. I just can't be bothered to refill. And yes, I am very lazy these days, don't do more than I have to. I blame it on work. I blame it on being tired and having to rest. And I blame it on my escapist-loving mind which makes me stay in bed all day reading or waste my nights in front of movies. Speaking of movies, 17 again was a pretty decent movie. Zac Effron is so nice to look at...

American Gods

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Woken by a row, things falling and smashing and banging and people screaming. And then the door slamming shut and hysterical tears. It was a pretty interesting way to wake up, and then realising I was bleeding. Great. Falling out of bed, checking that everyone is ok, cleaning up, then back for an hour of half-sleep. Then up again, shower, dress, coffee, bike to work. Turns out I don't start until another 3 hours, which meant I biked home again, and here I am. What a great day, I can't wait for it to be over. I just want work to be over and slouch in the couch with a Harry Potter movie.

I realized why I am so reluctant to go to work. I am afraid. I have a strong fear of failing, of being wrong, of doing wrong. This I have had since I started school, because that's when I realized there is such a thing as being wrong. But is there really? Why do adults teach their children that they are wrong, stupid, ugly, not good enough? Why can't they teach them how wonderful they are, teach them to appreciate the miracle they are and the miracles around them? Ingrained fears are passed on through generations, children punished for their parents mistakes. Even if we mean to do good, sometimes we do more damage than good.

Reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman, a really captivating book. It's weird, but it's brilliant. The kind of books I will be writing. Speaking of writing, I want to start. But my Write Monkey broke down. And speaking of speaking: secrets and lies. There are things I never tell, and there are things I never hear, and there are things that are just falling. Dazed looks staring into nothingness, even in company the mind slips away, drifts on a cloud and is lost to obscurity. Who can tell who we are? What have we found? The same old fears.

Split yourself in seven

Miriam åker till Canada imorgon. Jag vill också. Fem långa veckor kommer hon tillbringa där, och fatta hur mycket jag kommer sakna henne! Vi som skulle på festivaler i sommar tillsammans, leka och busa och göra Malmö osäkert (Ystad skiter vi i). Säga avsked tidigt tidigt imorgon, jag kommer gråta. Men hon kommer ha det underbart...

Here I am with a cup of tea, can barely speak, coughing my lungs out. Had to skip work both yesterday and today and the guilt is eating away at me. I feel like a really terrible person. I hope I can make that up by taking almost all the shifts this coming week. I hope I am better tomorrow.

Dagen spenderades i febrig halv-koma. Sedan har jag bara läst Harry Potter, spelat Harry Potter och skrivit om Harry Potter. Det är mysigt det.

Ignore that person: never tells me stuff anyway, my leak of information is over, has to find it someplace else. And that other one really should get a spoonful of its own medication, a spoonful of how annoying some comments are. And then someone who will not miss me at all, why bother trying to make contanct then, I am drifting away into the shadows, lets see if someone notices. Work on Midsummer, hope you guys can come up with enough drama without me to make it interesting enough. Bye bye.

The animatrix

Amazing animations in the animatrix. If I was a computer wiz, that's what I would have worked with... but maybe I can write and draw storyboards instead. That would work too. Although right now I only feel like writing a hp spinoff about the four founders of Hogwarts as teenagers. That would be cool. Robin Hood-ish. Beautiful minds.

And I found out someone has been telling dirt and someone does not contact me and someone is avoiding me and shit omg maybe I behaved badly again. What do people expect of me. I am not an angel and nobody is perfect. And just because of that more people are wrinkling their noses. Jeez. And then that thing where he said no and once again I stood rejected. And now I will soon turn off my cell phone and pretend that none of these tiresome drama people exist. Why is it so hard to just be peaceful? Why is everything blown out of proportions? Why am I mistrusted. People assume I am a drunkard and a looser that can't improve. Let me tell you, that last time I puked was because I was SICK not because I had too much alcohol. Excuse me for entertaining a virus in my body. And then later, I was just EXHAUSTED, not passing out from too much smoke. Excuse me for taking myself out on my graduation. But interpret as you wish, and keep spreading that sensational dirt, I bet your lives get much more interesting when I'm around to provide gossip material. Cheers.

It's not a sign, I know a sign when I see one, and I also know my bad sides. I know what I would like to improve and I am working towards that. More than some people maybe think. Some people only see the bad dreams, and judge by the nightmare figments. They are not awake from the matrix. You can be a victim, or anything else you'd like to be. But they don't understand that.

Real friends emerge from the mist. Am I alone? Is it strange that I mistrust everyone? The answer is simple and the answer is: no.