4.28.2008

All I want to do, is to be more like me

I'm finding a way to paradise, wont you come with me?

i wanna be a writer
write amazing stories
and make loads of money
i wanna be an explorer
travel all the places in the world
live in different cultures
i wanna celebrate new years eve at the eiffel tower with champagne and candles on a blanket, looking at the fireworks
i wanna swim with dolphins
beach parties
sleeping under the stars
feeling free
summer
biking, hiking, camping
ocean, waves, surfing
partying all night
new york with kudde, ice skating at midnight, hot chocolate
road trip through the US
apartment in Tokyo
crazy clubbing
we grow up, but never old

sometimes ive seen myself in the underworld
i could totally live there
if i wasnt such a coward
i could be a hooker and a porn star
drinking my fill every night
roxanne, you dont have to wear that dress tonight
the plastic fantastic beauty
Ecstasy
body shaking, and i know i need it
live for the moment

live or die, make your choice
here we go

festivals, music everywhere
live, on stage
the crowd
the feeling
uncontrollable
and we loose it, we loose it all
become so numb
can feel you there

why am i so fucked up
why do i not care
self destruction is my mantra
hit my head, get up again
and hit it again, and again
the scars tell my story
the worst on my soul
or on my brain
longing for more
i like it rough

i know this pretty rave girl...
maybe get to know her?
so fucked up, and still so normal
abnormalities in infinities
dancing, dancing
forgetting

my memory is the worst
so uncomplete, but still so filled up
with the most beautiful
the most amazing
and the most horrible
feels like i already lived a hundred life times
and i will live a hundred more

always write in a hype
in the moment
and in the next
i lost my thread
and the meaning of it all

once i found the meaning of life
only to loose it the next day
and then i found my way back
to self destruction

this is my life
this is everyday
a game
who else plays
who follows the rules
and who breaks them?

there's a party
im feeling naughty
but maybe i'll just pass out before i even get there
see if i care

none of that sassyness
so insecure
so scared, so lonely and lost
playing pretense
make-belief is my only strength
playing with minds and bodies
hyper
distressed
here?

now step, now step, now step
and - pop
im a maniac
a psycho
sorry if i messed something up
come see me sometime about it
rock that beat you dance
already feeling so much shit
i just don't know what to choose
life is choice, right
be whatever you wanna be
now?

yes. try or die failing
failure is my biggest fear
I just can't stop
im a freak
O.C.D
in my dr martens, in my converse
sorry my clothes piss some people off
kawaii desu ne

if i was a movie i would be
one of these obscure indie movies
about a happy little self destructive wannabe
searching for meaning and love
and taking ecstasy
dancing and dancing, while everyone else stands watching and laughing
look, who does she think she is
but she is lost, inside her mind
like a prison
but in the end
her wings show to be of finest quality
and she takes off, to her dreams
(see the beginning)

hit the road, all the bullshit
can't be ignored
no emotion

why is it so difficult
who understands
who can take it
who can't

never noticed. so amazing.
beauty is fading
it's suffocating

phone calls. not sure what to say
how to call and how to feel
is this even real?
how, tell me how, do i feel?

such a mess, such a mess
bloody memories
too young, too old, too fucking freakin cold
but i'll be there
to say...

never heard it, never saw it, never felt it
extra space
spacing out, a mouth moving
Anyway

lives keep on changing
unwinding, rewinding, forwarding, jumping
up and down, up and down, up it goes
sometimes im such a fool
think i know what im doing
but really so lost
please tell me to stop

whenever i talk too much, with a happy smile
tell me to stop
it's not real
what is?
me. you. this. whatever.
play me. play you. play this, play that. turn on

who can see me for what i really am
who can see you for what you really are
who who who

turn on. play it.
i love heavy riffs, disted, bass
drums. bass. bass.

where am i now?
i'll ask you what it's like to die
dreams are everything
but i've always had difficulty separating
dream from reality
and the more i hurt myself
the worse it gets

scents, soft, between sheets
pink lemonade

what can i do to make you all feel?
i wanna be there
for the whole world
and heal

i know what i wanna be when i grow up
i wanna be Cupid
make other people fall in love
and live happily ever after

a cute little Cupid with a bow
and arrows to set hearts afire
that would be my absolute desire

take me to the hot summer dream
i have this image of the perfect beach party in my mind
celebrate the summer
dive into the sea
celebrate the feeling, you and me
take me to the ocean
live a life supreme
take me to the hot hot hot hot summer dream

summer is so magical to me because
all of my worst and my best memories
my happiest and my unhappiest moments ever
have all taken place during summer
summer is my paradise and my freedom

flying. like peter taught wendy
over sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride
fantasy become reality

im talking about so many things at once
i confuse even myself
and just loosing it every minute
and it's fine

I'm not o-fucking kay
i think
i have no idea
a machine, running and running, like on duracel
eyes not telling anything
a (bomb, abomb)shell in a hitparade
masks behind masks, like a mirror reflecting itself in endless corridors
how can anyone get behind that?

wont you come with me?
please?

im heading down to the beach
chilling under the sun
there's a party tonight
when the feeling is right
we're dancing close to the sea
it got me feeling so free

tequila sunrise, give me more
til i collapse, im spinning
is there anyone else out there?

do you want more?
hard bass. badass.
never saw much in palm trees. coconuts are gross.

become so tired.
all i want to do
is to be more like me

one last time
many more times
forever and ever

X-rays wont show you much either
helpless hopeless
this is a sickness without medication
getting you lost in meditation
would you ever let that go
the last piece of sanity?

question me marks
not bothering to save myself
stop seeing me through coloured glasses
i am nothing
i am everything
so are you
so shut up.

nothing else matters.

4.27.2008

Boombox with Beethoven


5 meters per second. That's how fast sakura blossom falls...
Watch the anime. I love these kinds of movies.
Bittersweet, sad and beautiful.
Grave of the fireflies. Voices of a distant star...

Boombox with Beethoven, hell yeah what a party!
Seriously, I was shit scared. Me and Kudde lying there in a psychedelic flower, contemplating the white mushrooms growing far below, watching the bird (was it a bird really??), the danish psychedelic "asshole" bird, and suddenly out of nowhere a teenage gang appears on the green football hill. Carrying a boombox. Playing Beethoven and Bach. Kudde was just laughing his ass off but I have never been so scared (maybe the druggie sleeping in a white mushroom was scarier, or the time I was inside a white mushroom and I thought the druggies would prick me with a needle through the little pores). It was such a Clockwork Orange moment and I was seriously panicking, those chellovecks didn't look very friendly to a dear devotchka like me. Or whatever it's called. Have forgotten half of his brilliant language. Like.

Anyways. Then I bit someone's lip the night after that and it was delicious, but maybe I shouldn't write that story here. I have already gotten alot of teasing about it haha (I know you like it xD). I think vampireness suits me. I love biting. Mwehehehe.

Waterpipe by the bedside is pure love.

Some people are such girls. Seriously.

Heaven-blue eyeliner, bubblegum pink eyeshadow, strawberry lipgloss and orgasm rouge. Soon it's champagne by the Eiffel tower, cause Paris, here I come (Paris ni ikimasho)! So looking forward to getting away from everything. Thank goddess Kudde came here from Muppsala this weekend, I would never have lasted otherwise. Always and forever, my pillow. :)

Chocolate fudge ice cream in the graveyard. Watching the ducklings jump up from the riverside. Was sad when you left.
So I went to the perfumerie. Library of fragrance is brilliant. Love the laundromat and the Pink lemonade. And I wanna buy a new perfume à Paris, Nina Ricci or Versace Jeans Couture, love those two.

When I read your diary I cry,
Can't you just tell me why...

Why do I find my life so unreal? Why am I so messed up?

Through the years and far away
Far beyond the milky way
See the shine that never blinks
The shine that never fades

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpqHg4-O6S0&feature=related

4.25.2008

So your price tag has been slashed


I only know one genious. Jigsaw.

"to live well is to fully express one's power, to go to the limits of one's potential"

"Modern society still suppress difference and alienates persons from what they can do. To affirm reality, which is a flux of change and difference, we must overturn established identities and so become all that we can become - though we cannot know what that is in advance"

Writing on the ToK oral completely squeezed my brain out.
But I had fun making brain juice at least.

Everyone's a let down
It just depends on how far down they can go

4.23.2008

Aiden is laughing at your misery


Simply fucking amazing!! Aiden is a wonderful live band, fantasmagoric, mutliple mental orgasms (and that was only the music, not counting in all the freakin hot emo guys at the show, omfg). Moshpits, howling out your fucking rage, there's few feelings that beat what Aiden created tonight. Everyone getting down on their knees, all rising in unison at the scream of Wil, exploding to the roof. Simply fucking amazing.

We're all in hell
Laughing at your misery
The desperate fade to black and it suits me well

Those lines are forever etched in my memory, screaming them out, with all the rage, all the hate, all the sorrow, all the hurt, all the fucking venom vengeance and anger contained in this being. "For the people you hate" said Wil, parting the audience into Wall of Death. And we ran. Crashed. Our lives.

After Early to bed and Kill Hannah played (Kill Hannah has one of the hottest guitarist ever, seriously), I got a text from mum. Hultsfredsbiljetter är fucking fixade!!!!!!!!! Imagine my ecstasy!!
Nu är det eran tur bitches, kom igen, vill se alla där!!

4.21.2008

When you don't even know yourself


Low sun, springair light playing with the cherry tree blossom. almost run over by a car as i rush into the street. don't care. my mind is elsewhere.
i would never do that to a friend. never.
sweat trickling down the back, pushing the bike into place, searching for the keys. oh no, someone's going out, i hate meeting people in the stairs. polite "hello".
elevator button. going up.
that's right, asshole. whatever you do, im going up.
getting inside the door. confused, lost in thoughts. dumping the bag.
[would never dump a friend]
shower. cold cold water. fresh towel, skin lotion. putting on pyjamas, then to the laptop.
wonder how many ive blocked, and how many have blocked me.
i promised i would quit, but the internet is too tempting.
wondering where kudde is. im worried by now.
mail from japan. finally, my charger is back. that means i can call kudde. and fake nails, seriously, i love you g.
when people leave, you realize who are worth keeping.
can't wait until summer. a will be back too.
missing a part.
anger. dont wanna need anybody.
spanish lullabies. what a trick.
goodnight.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”

4.19.2008

Where did the strong bonds go?


Dictionary.com:
Soulmate (or soul mate) is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations.

Soul lovers – someone you love, and would do anything for, and someone who loves you, and would do anything for you. And in that love, nothing is required for either person, because everything is already given. You love them more than anything in the world and could not live without them.

Soul sister/brother – someone belonging in the same soul group as you and therefore having an unusually strong bond and likeness to you

Classical – Greek mythology – Originally humans were combined of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spending their lives searching for the other half to complete them. This theory was presented as a half-serious story by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, after all the participants at the Symposium ("drinking party") were charged to philosophize on the topic of love.

Spiritual and religious – concepts of reincarnation and karma. Soulmates have spent many previous lifetimes together.

Karmic soulmate – someone who has a special mission or influence on one's life

Companion soulmate – People with whom one has made a connection.

Twin soulmates – Very close friends with whom one has strong bonds.

Twin flame soulmate – A popular romantic belief that there is only one true soulmate.

Show me what it's like, to dream in black and white


Put the iPod on shuffle. And up comes Breaking Benjamin. Was ages since I listened to them, and now I got stuck again. Reliving so many feelings and memories, memories that are no longer painful, only filled with bittersweet sentiments of "oh how young and foolish I was back then". And I miss A and G. So fucking much.

And I love reading the ToK book.

"The fact that we can never be sure that we have done the right thing, or that we are painfully aware that we could have done better, is perhaps part of the tragedy of the human condition"

Aldous Huxley's dystopia: "A world of happy junkies does not seem like the best of all possible worlds."

Why not?!

I can never die happy if I haven't seen Breaking Benjamin live. At least twice.

"Unknown Soldier"

Border line,
Dead inside.
I don't mind,
Falling to pieces.
Count me in, violent
Let's begin, feeding the sickness.
How do I simplify,
Dislocate - the enemy's on the way.

[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To dream in black and white,
So I can leave this world tonight.

Full of fear,
Ever clear.
I'll be here,
Fighting forever.
Curious,
Venomous,
You'll find me
Climbing to heaven.
Never mind,
Turn back time.
You'll be fine - I will get left behind.

[Chorus]

Holding on too tight.
Breathe the breath of life,
So I can leave this world behind.

It only hurts just once.
They're only broken bones.
Hide the hate inside.

Oh.

[Very quiet voice:]
Forever ... one
I'll be fine

[Chorus]

Holding on too tight.
Breathe the breath of life,
So I can leave this world behind.

4.15.2008

Mayday: give me Neverday


I think mankind dreams of more.

Dreams of more than waking up in the morning. Eating the same breakfast. Going to school/work. Coming home. Do whatever activity. Go to sleep. Wake up.

Why did we create this?

Money is a piece of paper. We give it value, let it govern our world.

Do you realize that power?

Our minds rule the world, because our minds made it up. We are players in the game we ourselves created.

And we have to play until death.

Why don't people see beyond the paper?

Beyond everyday.

Give me noday, neverday, alwaysday, sometimesday and foreverday.

This is a fucking mayday!!

Is there anybody out there?

Borderline. Borders and lines. Go crazy. Loose it.

Mankind dreams of more than this.

Or am I the only dreamer?

I'm waiting for something to break.

Will it ever break?

I know why I love Peter Pan.

I am Wendy.

4.14.2008

Somewhere over the rainbow


Epiphany
3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Oh I love dictionaries.

"There are necessary facts and contingent facts in the world, and very little is necessary. Once we're born, the only inevitable thing is that we're going to die, and everything else is up for grabs, every minute, every day."
- Paul Auster

So go do something hilarious ;D Something crazy.
Or just give your average quotidian tasks a little more meaning.

Found this beautiful psychedelic playground right next to the library here in M. My first thought upon seeing it was "man, here's the perfect place to smoke up". There's a gigantic rainbow you can climb up on, small mushroom houses you can sleep in, and gigantic plants where you can sleep in little cupped flowers high above the ground. And lush green mini-hills, and a mirror tower. And I wanna live there forever. Was lying in a flower, gazing at the stars, happily running over the rainbow and resting a while inside a mushroom.

Otherwise this weekend has been 0 studying. 1 partying. and Ethan times a thousand.
Love you lil sis. XD

I am so far from reality right now. [no, not on drugs. it's the natural state of my mind] Bye bye.

4.09.2008

You can't sell me sanity: committing social suicide


Sometimes I entertain a wish of being normal.
I can pretend good enough to fool people (sometimes).
But never good enough to fool myself.

Sometimes I entertain a wish of companionship.
To have someone who's like me.
Then I realize, I'm too fucked up to ever have that.
And asking for a friend is social suicide.

All the suicides I'm thinking of committing
It's pretty interesting.

I think I'm drawn to social suicide, inexorably. And always have been, always will be.
But however much I talk about dropping the mask, I never do.
My tongue faster than my thought, render me unhappiness.

I'm a loner. Yet I seek pure belonging.
Only found it in my childhood.
Because people talk too much shit.
It's like a sinking ship, people pushing down others under the surface to save themselves.
Why can't everyone just tolerate eachother. You don't have to like eachother, just please, maybe care atleast a tiny bit?

I'm alone. Don't know how much by own choice.
But seriously, whatever lame explanations I come up with, I don't feel any real connection to anyone. Maybe one person, a little. To be honest. Where are the real connections?
Wanna meet someone else who can be less serious about this we call life.
Someone who doesn't get offended, who doesn't care what people think, who doesn't hold grudges, who doesn't dislike/hate. See through the game.
Most will get seriously offended if I write/say what I honestly think of them and go all drama queen on me. As I said earlier, I'm an expert on social suicide.
Everyone who has read this: if you think you can handle the truth, just ask me to say what I honestly think. I ask nothing less of you, cause I'm tired of all whispers behind backs.
My opinion and my affection are two separate things. What I think of people doesn't really affect my relationship with them, my feelings. Contradictory? Well, if you haven't noticed yet, I don't really think in the same way others do.

The more sides of reality you discover, the more you realize how insignificant some things are. How insignificant people's thoughts about you are. So why get offended?

Truth. An opiate. Please overdose.

Altered perception of reality - play with your mind cause it's definitely playing with you. Most people get lost in that game.

The unexpected never happens when you're aware of the fact that anything could happen.

Don't shut up and smile. Be everything you can be, want to be.

Someone who wants to share my insanity?
Many fear insanity, it's social suicide.

I'm amazed in the many ways people get offended. I'm like waow.
I usually never feel offended. You know why?
I always feel like the offender. Even if it's not true.
So familiar with taking blame now.
I don't mind. I should have a sign saying "Hi, need someone to blame? I'm the person you're looking for!"
A trash can for all uncomfortable feelings. A recycling bin.
To me those things don't matter anymore.
I've seen other worlds and realized the insignificance of feeling offended.
Keep living in petitess-mindness if that is pleasing.

Words fall flat.
Lips of unconsciousness.
Unintentional wrongs (too many now, not funny anymore, for goddess sake, I don't mean to harm anyone, if you take offense that's your fucking problem, if you feel better, fine, dump guilt and blame on me and hate me, im still neutral/love you)
NEUROTIC SHAKING

Genius is to be aware of the cage, not think oneself outside of it.

You don't help people with words. The truth is. You can't help anyone but yourself.

I'll be gone. Tokyo ni ikimasu.
In a year.

Love people who can laugh at themselves. Stop being so frickin serious.

I don't really want to commit social suicide. Don't want to be more alone than I already am. Don't want to go to school tomorrow.

"I forever ever wanna get caught up in believing, music is my freedom yeah, till I'm dead on the dance floor"
"You can't sell me sanity. There's no cure for me."

4.06.2008

She took off, she had enough, broken dreams were all there was


electro music. kinda bad. haha. im in a period of electro. så oseriöst. crunk. everything with badass lyrics. blipblip.
The Millionaires. Ultraviolet Sound. Jeffree Star. Kill Paradise. Hyper crush. Porcelain and the tramps.
maybe im going for plastic fantastic since i dont feel much at the moment.
wake up everyday.
want to stay in bed.
but everything pulling.
dragging me down.
barely finishing last weeks homework during the weekend.
so afraid of failing.
in desperate need of money.
when will the bad circles ever end?

The Millionaires - Alcohol

girls talk shit, we don't care
we'll take off our underwear!

come get fucked up!
give me my alcohol
let's get fucked up!
A-L-C-O-H-O-L

this bitch is trying to take a shot
she can't down one, what else she got?
jaeger, vodka, even whiskey
down that shit, don't be a...
pussy

who needs pepsi, juice, or sprite?
if you do you're weak (thats right)
i down my shots and gulp my beers
til' every drop disappears

Do you know what I wanna do right now? Just disappear.
Transfer to YIS. Go to Japan.
She took off, she had enough, broken dreams were all there was.

4.03.2008

Accused for being different: rejected all along


NEVERSTORE ikväll på KB. Kom dit och sprid lite kärlek.

L.Y.D

Tired of her friends back home,
waiting for good days to come,
living life after a map..
She took off, she had enough, broken dreams were all there was
now she's out there on her own I wonder where she's gone..

All lights out, the stars will guide us through our darkest times
believe yourself and

Live your dreams life's waiting for you,
live your dreams life's waiting for you,
live your dreams life's waiting to begin

Rejected all along

Everytime I'm coming home
I feel like I don't belong

Welcome to a place in fucking nowhere
Gotta leave no way I fucking stay here
Do you care? I'm feeling fucking useless
I'm breaking up with you
Remember the time when
We got along, it's over
Those days are gone
Rejected all along

I've heard that I am strange
Accused for being different
But I never stand in line
In a place like this a minority
As it will be in eternity

Use to call this place my home
I feel like I don't belong

Hold on

I sing now for all of you
With no one to hold on to
For all the broken hearts out there
Waiting for someone to be near

What are we truly aiming for
I cover my eyes just to ignore
A colour deep inside of me
This isn't who I wanna be