3.31.2008

As happy as a 1950's TV family


The Rocket Summer - "TV Family"

Just a calendar day (ba ba ba ba)
it's funny how things can stay the same
or drastically change
some things seem so close on some days but still so far away
don't know the right things to do (ba ba ba ba)
in fact i don't have a clue sometime i feel like a tool
and i want to be truthfully true to you
and do all the things that you do
but when i hate everything about the mean things that i say
it feels like i mess up so much and i can only say
"i hate everything about my ways"
but you tell me i'm OK
and one day one day i know you'll say

"B i'm so glad you made it"
"oh well Jesus thank you so much for saying that"
because the truth you know is that i have just been hating so many things i do
but now i realize forever that you're my friend
no matter what you will never leave me to fend
i don't know much but i know we will be
as happy as a 1950's TV family
except times infinity

two calendar days (ba ba ba ba)
and still my life is the same
and other people's have changed
i wonder what if i'm too late
all the time that i said i would just wait?
and yeah does anyone care
about us here or anywhere?
well i just want to try and dare
to be there, to care 'cause i know- i know that's rare
but when i hate everything about the mean things that i say
it feels like i mess up so much and i can only say
"i hate everything about my ways"
but you tell me i'm OK
and one day one day i know you'll say

"B i'm so glad you made it"
"oh well Jesus thank you so much for saying that"
because the truth you know is that i have just been hating so many things i do
but now i realize forever that you're my friend
no matter what you will never leave me to fend
i don't know much but i know we will be
as happy as a 1950's TV family
except times infinity

a family that i will be in
a family - it's just not pretend
a family that i will be in, a family

i don't know much but i know we will be
happy as a 1950's TV family..
except times infinity
just a calendar day.

3.27.2008

Do you feel?


Do you feel
the weight of the world
singing sorrow
or to you it's just not real?

The irrelevance of things. The future.
What will happen? Who will I be, where will I be, what will I do?
Where do I fit in? What is my task?

I want to be in Japan, in Tokyo. Miss it so much that the missing turns in to physical pain. Whole body aching of longing.
I belong there.

The mysterious nature, beckoning dimly lit lanterns outside the meiji temple gates, a winding road to wherever you want to be. Tranquil temple grounds, ancient wisdom hidden in its secrets, birdsong and sakura-adorned gardens, the sense of kami surrounding you.
Happy shouting at the ramen place, slurping from a huge bowl of deliciousness, amazing soft, white rice (plentitude!), sushi, sashimi and maki melting on the tongue (uni!). Getting lost and spending all your money in Shibuya, karaoke at Shibuya main street Center Gai, screaming and chugging beer. Walking down Takeshita Dori in Harajuku, mouth agape at the amazing, inividual styles people have, admiring their whole appearance. Gothic Lolita stores: glitter, sparkle, flowers, lace, candy, chocolate, sugary cakes and cream, strawberrys, cuddly bears and cutie animals, keroro, neko-chan and everything everywhere just so kawaii (to die for!)
Technology, the trains always on time. Take me to my dreams.
The politeness, the constant flow of phrases, exchanging respect and politeness (arigato gozaimashita!) Bowing. School uniforms. Cool jap haircuts, hair styling.
Umbrella culture. Anime.
Green tea. MILK TEA! Milk tea changed my life.
Stores open every day, and really late aswell, you can go out anytime and buy what you want. Don't have to worry about opening hours. Opening hours in Sweden sucks fucking ass. Maybe if we had the same service-minded stores open every day and 24/7 maybe we wouldn't have as much unemployment. Another great thing with Japan: unemployment is low, close to non-existent, since there's always a job to be done.
Onsen. Stay all day, all night even. Soaking in the hot spring water, herbal steam sauna, saltscrub, treatments, massage, walking around in your yukata. Shiseido. Pampering. Manicure. Crazy nails!
Sleeping on futon. Tatami mats. Eating at low tables. Chopsticks!
Standing on the left side of escalators, always nodding with a shy smile, letting those beside you pass first. The warm towels to clean your hands on before a meal on restaurants (why don't we have that in Sweden?? Sweden is a filthy country in comparison). Cute manga pics everywhere, instead of a dull sign they have almost all instructions as kawaii manga chars.
Their cute obsession with french style pastries and everything from 19th century Europe. Piano notes drifting out from car parks or stores, filling the more fancy streets (was mostly thinking of Motomachi) with 19th century upper-class France feeling. The jewel box tune trinkling out every full hour in Motomachi (think One Missed Call). The giant crows eating chihuahuas. Breathtaking views. Munching deliciousness and watching old japanese people playing some complicated crocket game.
Sake and kanpai! I'm more japanese than any other nationality. Everything in their culture appeals to me. Except maybe natto, aduki bean paste and pickles. Japanese music isn't very good either, but I let it slip since it's kinda kawaii anyways.

Safe and protected beside you.
Unconditional friendship.
Together in heaven & hell.

I belong in Japan.
Can't see how I will survive my last year on IB in Sweden.
Without those who graduate now. And with the memories of last week in my heart. The pain of missing completeness. Japan is my home, my soul is japanese, by not being there, a part of me is missing. (Now more than ever, since I've experienced what it's like to be there)
Going back! HAI!

I got a manga drawing from the japanese school girl sitting next to me on the flight from Narita to Vienna. Looking at it now puts a smile on my face.
So beautiful.
A bittersweet smiles.
And tears.

3.26.2008

A waking dream: notes from Japan


Didn't have time enough to post on the blog so this is like a short version of what I've been up to in Japan, far from everything, from notes I wrote each day (seriously, my memory is that bad). Just to give you a taste. The summing up of everything I'm missing right now (home again) is coming in the next post, wrote it all on the airplane.

Yodobashi: 7 floors of technology. I want a cell phone like the ones here!! And pimp them with all the cutie stuff you can put on!! I want I want!! And the Mac Books, it's not that expensive, if you compare to what it costs in Europe, but the price is still more than I can manage. The Air Mac Book is amazing, I'm definitely saving up for one of those... Or just wishing for one as Christmas gift... Hmm.. Anyways, hoping to find some tax-free importable stuff that can be adapted to Western standards in Akihabara.
otaku! otaku! akihabara - the geeky nerd ghetto number one, technology and manga heaven.
after the yodobashi place in Yokohama, i went off in Minatomirai, to look at the shopping mall in the Queen towers. Disappointment. Just expensive upscale stores for like elderly people. only old ladies going around shopping there. went to the landmark tower and to a book/music store (tsutaya). bought anime, gothic lolita and pop teen magazines, hehehe, fashion inspiration. the shojo mega magazines are amazing, i wanted to buy all of them. going to buy more in akihabara - not only technology heaven, also heaven for all anime otakus.
Went up in the landmark tower, looked at the amazing view, you can see all over Yokohama, plus a bit into Tokyo (the buildings disappear in the horizon, no end to the civilization), usually you're supposed to be able to see Fuji-san, but the smog blurred the horizon too much. (I never got to see Fuji-san!!)
sitting up there in the tower, looking out at the big big world, and bittersweet anime music playing in the background (i just had to buy the cd), i felt so incredibly small, kinda overwhelming how brilliant it all is... all the people out there, going about their business, millions and millions, billions. no end. rushing, living. i think i was sad, cause we are so much more than ourselves, and still we are never able to connect with that, we only see our own lowlife problems and never think of the greater whole, how big the world is, how insignificant we are as individuals (and still we are all we have, there is no one else, so alone, I am my own world, its all in the mind, almost.) Just mindblowing.
want to download japanese music so badly!! jpop is just funny, jrock can actually be good. just to immerse myself in the culture even more.. want to post all photos and the purikura pics...
grocery shopping is so fun, everything is superfresh and you can find all sorts of freakishness, love it. and they're so good with the packaging, everything looks nice or cute or really cool.

Akihabara - slight disappointment but i found out afterwards where i really should have gone which was the anime center, missed out completely on that. i bought a yukata, geta and tabi at Laox so it was still worth it. plus i got to see some of the extraordinary technology they have, for everything. i was crying cause i couldnt buy the cell phones.
Asakusa - waow, i should have gone here the first day, like a huge gate into this street with beautiful sakura ornaments and lots of merchant stalls selling everything touristy you could wish for. the senso-ji temple was too crowded, but this was before i saw kamakura and meiji so i still thought it was kinda nice. bought a random prayer to hang in the prayer rack. it said something about meeting a wealthy person that would help me. heh.
Chinatown then shopping in shibuya. Lots of shopping, never tire of it. but this day it was mostly g buying stuff. i only bought nars striptease lipgloss and orgasm rouge. found all the cool places in shibuya and met some gangsta people:
"you're a rocker, arent yah"
like "hell yeh dude"
"so you like elvis an tha kinda stuff?"
"nah man, tha's too old school for me"
Tokyo national museum was very nice, a little smaller than i thought, but found really nice paintings by Hokusai, and the kimonos were simply beautiful.
Office view from g's dad's office - imperial palace (not very interesting, not even the garden, but seeing it from here atleast spared me from going there and geting disappointed) and Manouchi (the business area of Tokyo, uptown place with lost of suits running around, cool to see it like this). Would have loved an office view like that haha... Lunch with g's parents at a really nice restaurant. Tempura, noodles, miso soup.
Can't really keep track of which days I did what but yeh...
Onsen with g's mum, so amazingly relaxing. I love onsen!! Just lay around and chill in hot spring water, soak for hours, talking about nothing. Salt scrub, herbal steam sauna, sitting down at the beautiful wooden stools to shower with creamy shiseido shower lotion, treatments, Dr Fish, thai-massage, shiatsu, all other kinds of massage, zipping around in your yukata, traditional japanese food buffet, sitting down at low tables, sake (kanpai!), back to the hot springs. Pure Pampering.
Feel a constant craving for sushi and nice white rice. want some sweet sake too. wont be able to go back to sweden. will not be able to eat either rice or sushi there.
ill miss all this too much.

Kamakura - seriously i wanna live there, the most beautiful and tranquil place I've ever been to, its better than Rivendell. the amazing wooden temples, simple yet so enchanting, the mysterious nature surrounding it all, climbing in the mountains, kami shrines, incense and flower offerings at the graves... This is like living in the Otori Tales. (and if you haven't read the Otori tales you should!)

Ramen - only around 60SEK for a HUGE bowl of ramen, whatever kind of topping you want. and slurp as much as you can, that's how ramen is supposed to be eaten. the people who were cooking (they were all standing right behind the counter you ate at) shouted happy encouragements to eachother, clapped their hands and whatnot, have no idea what they shouted but it sounded really happy. you got top mood just by sitting there listening to them while slurping.
After Ramen place we went karaoke. Basically not so much about the singing (don't worry about your singing voice, everyone just shouts and screams anyway) but more about the chugging of beer or "cow piss" (kaupis?). CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! XD Then again, it dependend on who you went there with. With fun guys, karaoke was hilarious. (yeh we went karaokeing three times)

sankeien - beautiful traditional gardens - just taking some photos (putting them up somwhere, myspace maybe), encountering a geisha on one of the red bridges, and finding my dream home. Unfortunately it was some sort of preserved War Lord's place and i suppose they wont sell historical artifacts.

meiji-jingu: mighty, very mighty. liked this temple very much, just because of the mysterious air, magical forest surrounding it (yoyogi park), the dimly lit lantern beckoning just outside the gate at dusk...

"The night was uneasy, even the weather didn't want tomorrow to come"

Harajuku bridge (jingu-bashi) - failed taking photos of all the cool people there. too many gaijins littering about, clicking cameras and looking stupid. didn't want to be a part of that so joined in the murmurs of passing natives "gaijin baka ne". too shy to ask if i could take pictures too.
Ginza - just expensive, not my favourite place in Tokyo.
Sukiyaki - extremely delicious, definitely one of the best food experiences here!

Uni is my favourite sushi.

Last day was shopping and eating ALOT at World Porters (shopping center) in Yokohama. Packing all my stuff, had to borrow an old hobo suitcase since i didn't have enough space in the one i brought. easter dinner with family, interesting to see people get drunk (akvavit!). karaoke in shibuya (again). what i enjoyed most at karaoke (take of your shirts!!) was Red hot and fall out boy haha XD and ofcourse the last song, the last song is always the best one, people are drunk, semi-naked and screaming worse than ever. wondering if stina had the same karaoke experience with kana? heh
No sleep.
Early up to sunlit YCAT bus trip to Narita.
Half-asleep. Hungover.
Sushi breakfast at Narita.
I suck at goodbyes.

3.17.2008

Meet me on the bridge in Harajuku


Ok. So Harajuku it was. ;D
Love that place. Went back there today and going back next sunday for photos of all the gorgeous people. Favourite store is a gothic lolita place with sugary sweet kawaiiness all over. Keki earrings, sweetness, princess tiara, pinkness, reeses peanut butter cup lip balm, yummyness. Haven't bought any clothes though. Oh yeh, today I bought a leather jacket, bikermodel, one I've been longing for forever and ever...
Otherwise it is kinda touristy in harajuku...
Love the punky thingys though.
And Kiddyland on Omotesando - have to say I was a little disappointed, had expected more. But yeh, toys are toys. I still haven't found the perfect plushie!! I want a kawaii little monster.
Bought a keroro head to have on the head, hehe. And me S, K and A went PURIKURA!! YAY!! haha, me love. pimp photos. I'm so doing it again. We first met at the Hachiko statue, a statue of the faithful dog who, after his master died still went to the same place for 25 years. Beautiful story.
I found freaky sunglasses! Perfect with pink hair.

Meet me on the bridge in Harajuku. We can dress up and play chess, our hearts in the game. Framed in photos, picture perfect pretty pretty. Eating pink sugary macarons, picnic by the cherry blossom. Dance with me, to the soundtrack of traintrack whispers.

Im never getting pissed drunk ever again.

Shibuya is amazing. Just too big to explore in one day. Love the clothes here. Going here more.

Tomorrow (I suck at planning) I've thought of Chinatown and Minato Mirai since that's kinda close to here. Just look around. And yeh. Wanna see Akihabara.

Have to write a schedule I think.

Every train station has a signum signal, so you know where to get off (if you learn them) if you're asleep. I saw someone sneeze on the train today!! Everyone says that's like a huge taboo, but no one minded. At least it looked like no one minded. It's so funny that you put the money in a little pot whatever when you're paying for something, you never give the money directly to the person behind the counter.
Japanese hamburgers are gross. Tempura plus hot sake is amazing. I love sashimi and sushi. I love the sweet, overdecorated french style cakes they have here, kawaii.
Have to go to comic stores and record shops, music and comics, hell yeah.
Every decent store has at least four floors, and at every floor they play different music, fucking confusing - you know you're alive.
Clothes in 109 in Shibuya (and generally the styles available) are either gangsta bitch, hippie stoner, or really kawaii. Kinda weird. Alot of people seem to be stoners, and they dont mind flashing with it. The cutest ever is the tops where they have english prints on, fucking hilarious texts, they dont know proper english at all so it gets very wrong. "When I'm very hard I make smile" something like that. Or "achieve smile is good". S was about to buy one but she didnt. She has a photo of one though so check her facebook.

x's

3.15.2008

I'm a getaway car for real feelings


"People need to hate me because they hate themselves. They want to believe the rumors about me because they don't have their own rumors. I'm here to stay, with my diamond rims and pink lipstick, so get used to it and worry about yourself before you try and be negative towards me.
I'm a getaway car for real feelings. I'm your Miss Methamphetamine, the truth shoved up your nose. Smile, with your gasoline teeth and forced empathy. Let me be the one thing that makes your heart break because you can't help it. You need someone like me to make you feel wrong. "

"I don't expect you to leave me the fuck alone, to erase the word enigma from your minds and think me unimportant. I can hope, but we all hope for silly things, don't we?"

"I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure. A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined."

See. People tell me their relationships with me is kinda fucked up and crazy. Hey, I'm different noobs. I am crazy, I am fucked up.
Not my problem if you think I'm an "eye sore" or w/e.
Deal with it.

I live the way I live, look the way I look. And I love it.

Yesterday was fucking crunkness: booze - (alot and fast) + wiiieeeeed - (not much and can't really remember) (drunk/gone long before that). Love that people don't know me here. It's so fun without fucking stuckup people who cant let go of themselves and do crazy shit.
But today I decided not to drink. Didn't feel like it. Someone else did though, and it was kinda epic.
22 shots. One each second minute.
There we go.

Judge me then fuckers. See if I care. Might write angry stuff to you here though. Even though no one is reading it. (för min egen skull)
Cause people never listen.

Yamashita park and Motomachi - just some random looking around. It's so beautiful here!! And everything and everyone is so cute!! I've found my future home, cause you can bet I'm staying here forever!!
As a Gaijin (outlandish people), people stare alot at you, especially gaijins with pink hair.
Eating on the street (while walking, you know it's like a huge part of Western culture, eating on the run) is totally shameful here. So don't do it.
Still you're forgiven for alot, since you're a gaijin and not supposed to know all the social rules, which are fucking complicated.
Japan is all about stylishness, or as G says "men looking gay". He doesnt like their skinny jeans and fashionable t-shirts. I love it!! And I love their hair. I want it. Dark, perfect japanese hair.
And another thing. All bad things come from Gaijins. People dont lock their bikes here for example, japanese people dont steal (says who), its only the gaijins who steal. Which I think, still doesnt make it ok to steal a bike just because you're a gaijin and not supposed to know any better.
Think some not even lock their houses.
And it's fucking warm!! I love it!! So wonderful walking around without a jacket, without heavy winter clothes. Ah, freedom.
Longing for Tokyo. Might go there tomorrow?
We'll see.
As for now, I hope you all are well, write me emails, I wanna have the updates from whats happening in your lives.
Love you all
(a special hug to my wonderful sisters, next time we're going here, it's the three of us, power trio on shopping adventures in Tokyo - sounds pretty awesome huh?)
xxx

3.14.2008

Thoughts through the clouds


Sundrenched world - Joshua Radin
I'm talking to you
but you're not listening
I don't know what what to do
my heart is blistering

Tell me I belong...

Mikey Way's twin was on the airport in Vienna waiting for the Tokyo flight, pretty damn hot. Could just hear N's comment in my head: "God, he's got a nice ass!!"
Then this other hot jap guy, reminded me of a noble samurai with his long, soft, brown hair.

Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
Dysphoria.
All I ask is that you continue reading, turning the page...

Make life a little magical, believe in yourself.

"C'est peut-etre cela que l'on cherche toute sa vie, rien que cela, le plus grand chagrin possible, pour devenir soi-meme avant de mourir." (Louis-Ferdinand Céline)

"C'est si beau, le mystere. Si éphémere et si violent de douceur, cet échange silencieux entre deux personnes."

Song for a friend - Jason Mraz

Feelings do change. Fade.
Would be for the better.

I hate myself (drama queen). Keep telling myself things that aren't true, that'll never be true. Cant the voices just be silent - make it go away.

Looking-glass romance.

No explosions here. Cold water surrounds me.

She was always performing in sunglasses - every time a new, freaky pair.

Didn't want the flight to end. Liked sitting there. Life on hold, just waiting. Didn't have to do or be anything or anywhere. Music in my ears.

But it did. And it went good.

Then G came home.

I'm afraid.

3.13.2008

Flight departure at 1035


Packing. I'm bad at this. Leaving soon. For Japan.
Short tone?

I wrote a song about fairy dust, liquid gold and crystalline white today. But I lost it, and now I can't really remember the exact phrasing. It was about flying through the sorrows and living in the dreams.

the other one was Paper dolls & Paper Hearts

Myspace is quite fun actually.

Have no fucking idea what it's gonna be like. Supposedly I'll be able to update my blog while staying there so we'll see how it goes...

3.11.2008

Violence is a calm that disturbs you


Serotonin plays an important part of our sense of reality, for natural sleep and awakeness as well as for the adjustment of feelings such as sorrow and despair. Disturbance of the serotonin balance is known to lead to, among other things, severe depressions.

fingertips caressing wrists. it tickles.

Die Mannequin:

I hold you close to let you go
You pull the trigger, let them know
Saved by strangers, killed by ghosts
And I am happy to be there.

this way and that way
how’s it going to be
and whats wrong with me now
when i can’t help to be

who’s there
shaking, i’m shaking
trusted and fading
tell me you hate it
know me
ghost in your story
second unholy
takes one to know me
who’s there
suffered and senseless
committed to kill this whispers and witness
control me
hit me and scold me
the hurtful unholy
its endless and endless

her voice is pretty enchanting.

Mais je ne regrette rien. Ciao.

3.09.2008

Önskar något mer

Predikningar. Det var faktiskt inte jag som skrev detta men det lät fan jävligt bra:
Jag kan inte påverka eller ändra det som hänt... bara det som ska hända.
Men för att gå in "fri" och "hel" i det som ska hända, måste jag rensa ut det som har hänt och förlåta mig själv för det som hänt och för mitt sätt att förstöra mig själv.

det finns många, många fler
som längtar det jag längtar och som
önskar något mer

(ferlin) Stina säger hej.

människans fullkomliga ensamhet.

and the drunk people went "cuckooo". it was like "bää, dude", only updated. the new it greeting, so next time. go "cuckoo".

i have bitemarks on my arms. Jaevla kulturbolaget! Tusengodis!

3.07.2008

Please don't pay any attention to this, I just had to write

Are you happy now? When you got me broken. When my mind can't take it anymore. Yes I'm going to Japan. G is a friend. Even though he can't find a reason for being friends with me (all his other friends hate me) we are still friends. I talk to him everyday, do you fuckers even bother? You call me whore. You call me the slutty emo bitch. You can't understand why he's still in touch with me, why he still has anything to do with me. You have this picture in your minds about me, and you hate it. That picture is WRONG WRONG WRONG. I've done some pretty messed up shit in my days, I got drunk beyond reason, crashed parties, high beyond reason, caught by the police, got G in trouble over and over, messed up both his life and mine. What did I mess up with your lives? If G hates me (and I know he does on occasions, as A said, I think we've always had love/hate relationship) and tells me to leave him alone, if he says I'm a fucking bitch who brought his life to pieces and tell me to go to fucking hell, I would go immediately. I would go to fucking hell. And I would give up. I wouldn't protest, I would agree. YES I'm a fucking slutty emo bitch. But as it is, at least for now, he hasn't said those words. You can believe whatever fucking shit you want, whatever fucking gossip you want, and keep seeing me as a slutty emo bitch. But I am not that person. I am so much more, and so fucking far from what you think of me. Why does your laughter, mocking glances, cold scorching eyes, whispers and words hurt? Because I am not what you think I am, and you don't even give me a chance to show that. I don't hate you. I'd give you a chance. All this is strangling me to death. And I guess I'll just have to live with that. No one wants to be fucking hated, it's an uncomfortable feeling. Hope you experience it someday.
All my happiness the last days: I think I'm pretty good at faking. Sorry Blaire love, springy feelings were just me trying to "fake it till you make it". SO MUCH SHIT GOING ROUND AND ROUND. I don't wanna be here anymore. I'm tired. I've run out. I'm panicking. I'm ALONE. I can't take lies and nodding and agreeing and smiling and faking anymore. I'm screaming out for the truth, and that is also why I'm writing this. The truth is, I'm alone among all the friends. I love you all. And don't be offended or hurt by any of this I'm writing now, I'm just writing this because I'm panicking. And instead of doing something really bad I'm just writing it off. And may I say beforehand, that I'm sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt any of you, if I have and if I will, because you are all I hold on to. You keep me sane.
But right now, in this point of my life, I don't feel I have much in common with the people around me. I don't belong anywhere, I don't feel at home, I'm so fucking lost I'm just falling and falling. Sure, bits and pieces I have in common here and there. But I don't feel safe and at home, not with anyone. I just feel lost and that I'm an ill-fitted piece of puzzle, fallen out from it's proper box, and stepped on. The distance in my eyes. AND FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA OF WHAT EMO IS, CHECK UP YOUR FUCKING FACTS AND NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN!! Guess this is my way of DAMPA PÅ ALLT OCH ALLA JUST NU. Don't hate me for it, or PLEASE DO AND LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE SO I NEVER HAVE TO HURT YOU EVER AGAIN. I just feel so fucking WRONG. I never mean to hurt anyone, and still that's kinda what I'm pro at. Think I'm so desperately trying that I'm actually failing. And I'm not making sense. "Welcome to the reality Cinderella" And then she shot herself in the head. We all have our fucking problems but can't people FOR ONCE BE FUCKING HONEST. I can't take it anymore, I can't, I can't. SO MUCH SHIT. All that's left in me now is mouthed whispers of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I should go. I'm a freak. I should go." holding my head, and despairing cold tears (CALL ME A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN, GO ON! SPIT ON ME! I'M LYING HERE!) I just want everyone to be happy with themselves and their lives. I don't fucking care about my own happiness right now. I can be in this state of brokenness forever, if I just could see all of you guys being happy. I'd give my life.
Right now I just want someone to MISSHANDLA MIG, RIKTIGT RIKTIGT ILLA. Or get so high on some fucking drug that I can just pass out in my own cloudy dreams. WHOOPS I OD'd. That would be a let out for my feelings.
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF IT'S SO UNBEARABLE. AND I CAN'T PRETEND TO BE ALL LOVE AND HAPPINESS ANYMORE. Or I suppose I can. Tomorrow I'll feel better. And I'll regret that I wrote all this FUCKING SHIT. But right now: I JUST WANNA DIE. (And there YOU ALL GO: "FUCKING EMO DRAMA QUEEN, SO GO DO IT, WHO THE FUCK CARES!")
I'm fucking crying over NOTHING. I don't have any problems. I'm just making my own. And I think I passed the point of where I should stop. Without getting said what I really feel. DIE DIE DIE DRAMA QUEEN!!

3.06.2008

Ensemble, c'est tout


Brutally reminded of the nature of our existence. The Matrix. La vie en rose. Ensemble, c'est tout. The movies this week. Our loneliness. Our minds. What we decide to do. What we avoid. What we tell ourselves. Truth and reality. Lies and what we see. It is not the spoon that bends, it is merely you yourself.
Ensemble, c'est tout. Si j'ai toi, je suis contente. Sometimes I'm wondering if everyone is as lonely as I feel. I don't know if I'm sad about it. I just observe all these people walking, laughing, embracing, kissing.
There is always a distance. If you look into my eyes, really look into them, you'll see it. I am here. But still not.
I don't know what I'm looking for.
So many people are part of the system, their realities dulling them into robotism. Not seeing. Not living.
Sometimes I cry. How they got lost.
Feels like there's a code to crack, something more than this. What they say in the matrix is true. We humans define reality through misery. When they designed a matrix where everyone was happy and no one came to harm, the system failed.
And that's just tragic.
Varför ska vi neka oss att vara glada?

3.05.2008

What you think someone else is thinking


What you think someone else is thinking or feeling can be terrible wrong, most of these assumptions are bullshit. Cause you can never know what that person actually felt or thought. Or what they meant. Lies like flies. My chem has never been more true: All full of lies. All meant for the flies. All gonna die.
Jumping to conclusions is the best way of hurting yourself. Destroy things, and feel bad.
Throw away all fucking assumptions, throw away that ill-fitted cloak of worries. How bad can it be. Life IS shitty sometimes. But that doesn't stop you from putting things in perspective. Open your eyes, experience everything like a new-born baby, see all the wonderful things around like for the first time. Without restricting yourself with what you think you see. Experience and rejoice. There is so much beauty.
Your misted breath in the chilly morning air. Alive!
Alive, and most likely well.
We create our own problems. At least it is we who have the power to decide if we wanna be victims, or warriors, or whatever we wanna be.
Isn't there enough drama queens in the world?
People will always blame eachother for being.
I don't have any problems, because I choose not to.

Kudde saknar dig. Hade behövt dig här. Vi kunde tända ljus, krypa upp i soffan, lyssna på glad-mysig punkrock, dricka te och käka räkmackor. Att prata om mat ungefär 4am är helt supermysigt, och jag vet inte varför. Älskar dig.
Soph. Somewhere with you, the bubbly spring-happiness returned. Soph + såpbubblor + sockerkick = oslagbart!

3.04.2008

Do you hear voices in your head?


I want to spend time with people who make me happy, who make me feel good. Some people don't right now.

When I grow up, I wanna write a book about loneliness. In some sense, I'm aldready writing it now.

I think I'm gonna set out an add or something. "All cute emo people this way!" Wanna be crazy and have fun? Don't look back.

Agree with S (find her under "places"). People will always hate you, no matter what you do. You always make an imprint on the world, whether good or bad. You can't let others dictate your life. Just because they think you're a freak. I like soapy bubbles, they look pretty and I love to look at them. They floated out my window this afternoon, but no one else was looking.

Now the clouds changed again.

Q: Do you hear voices in your head?
A: They tell me to say no. So I say no.

Much safer behind my screen. Calling out, where are you. [echoes]
Much safer not being seen. Dreaming of a future, where you are. [tears]

Why I need what.

3.03.2008

Let's make the most and best and worst


"Like the swaggering pirates, let's make the most and best and worst of what we have. Give not one-third but everything. All - all - all. Keep nothing back."

[she is talking about looking-glasses (love that word)]"The girl I saw was myself yet not quite myself. Long ago when I was a child and very lonely I tried to kiss her. But the glass was between us - hard, cold and misted over with my breath."

Quoting from Wide Sargasso Sea. Just finished it and started reading Stardust, since I just adore the movie. "So, you don't fit with the popular crowd, now I take that as a very good sign". Back to the quotes. I did that. Sometimes I just feel like embracing that miserable lonely girl staring back at me, cradle her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok. Give her the warmth she craves yet keeps pushing away. I want to believe in soulmates.
Created a Myspace account. Don't really know what I'm doing there, supposedly spying on the alternative scene in M&L. Hello Alone.

Elle rêve en regardent par la fênetre.

3.02.2008

Cause we just wanna be whole


If you have something to say, say it to my face cause I'm wondering what the fuck I did wrong. Stop running from the uncomfortable.

So fucking sick of all the games.

Paramore:

Crushcrushcrush

I got a lot to say to you
Yeah, I got a lot to say

They taped over your mouth, scribbled out the truth with their lies
Your little spies

Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone
Just the one, two I was just counting on
That never happens
I guess I'm dreaming again
Let's be more than' this

Rock and roll baby, don't you know that we're all alone now

If you want to play it like a game
Come on, come on let's play
'Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute

Miracle

I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive
So I'm going to start over tonight
Beginning with you and I
When this memory fades
I'm gonna make sure it's replaced
With chances taken
Hope embraced
I hope I told you

We've learned to run from
Anything uncomfortable
We've tied our pain below and no one ever has to know
That inside we're broken
I tried to patch things up again
To cut my tears and kill my fears
But have I told you how I..

We are broken

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

Yeah
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I like to capture this voice
it came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I'll show myself it wasn't forged
We're at war
We live like this

And I'll take the truth at any cost