Are you happy now? When you got me broken. When my mind can't take it anymore. Yes I'm going to Japan. G is a friend. Even though he can't find a reason for being friends with me (all his other friends hate me) we are still friends. I talk to him everyday, do you fuckers even bother? You call me whore. You call me the slutty emo bitch. You can't understand why he's still in touch with me, why he still has anything to do with me. You have this picture in your minds about me, and you hate it. That picture is WRONG WRONG WRONG. I've done some pretty messed up shit in my days, I got drunk beyond reason, crashed parties, high beyond reason, caught by the police, got G in trouble over and over, messed up both his life and mine. What did I mess up with your lives? If G hates me (and I know he does on occasions, as A said, I think we've always had love/hate relationship) and tells me to leave him alone, if he says I'm a fucking bitch who brought his life to pieces and tell me to go to fucking hell, I would go immediately. I would go to fucking hell. And I would give up. I wouldn't protest, I would agree. YES I'm a fucking slutty emo bitch. But as it is, at least for now, he hasn't said those words. You can believe whatever fucking shit you want, whatever fucking gossip you want, and keep seeing me as a slutty emo bitch. But I am not that person. I am so much more, and so fucking far from what you think of me. Why does your laughter, mocking glances, cold scorching eyes, whispers and words hurt? Because I am not what you think I am, and you don't even give me a chance to show that. I don't hate you. I'd give you a chance. All this is strangling me to death. And I guess I'll just have to live with that. No one wants to be fucking hated, it's an uncomfortable feeling. Hope you experience it someday.
All my happiness the last days: I think I'm pretty good at faking. Sorry Blaire love, springy feelings were just me trying to "fake it till you make it". SO MUCH SHIT GOING ROUND AND ROUND. I don't wanna be here anymore. I'm tired. I've run out. I'm panicking. I'm ALONE. I can't take lies and nodding and agreeing and smiling and faking anymore. I'm screaming out for the truth, and that is also why I'm writing this. The truth is, I'm alone among all the friends. I love you all. And don't be offended or hurt by any of this I'm writing now, I'm just writing this because I'm panicking. And instead of doing something really bad I'm just writing it off. And may I say beforehand, that I'm sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt any of you, if I have and if I will, because you are all I hold on to. You keep me sane.
But right now, in this point of my life, I don't feel I have much in common with the people around me. I don't belong anywhere, I don't feel at home, I'm so fucking lost I'm just falling and falling. Sure, bits and pieces I have in common here and there. But I don't feel safe and at home, not with anyone. I just feel lost and that I'm an ill-fitted piece of puzzle, fallen out from it's proper box, and stepped on. The distance in my eyes. AND FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA OF WHAT EMO IS, CHECK UP YOUR FUCKING FACTS AND NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN!! Guess this is my way of DAMPA PÅ ALLT OCH ALLA JUST NU. Don't hate me for it, or PLEASE DO AND LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE SO I NEVER HAVE TO HURT YOU EVER AGAIN. I just feel so fucking WRONG. I never mean to hurt anyone, and still that's kinda what I'm pro at. Think I'm so desperately trying that I'm actually failing. And I'm not making sense. "Welcome to the reality Cinderella" And then she shot herself in the head. We all have our fucking problems but can't people FOR ONCE BE FUCKING HONEST. I can't take it anymore, I can't, I can't. SO MUCH SHIT. All that's left in me now is mouthed whispers of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I should go. I'm a freak. I should go." holding my head, and despairing cold tears (CALL ME A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN, GO ON! SPIT ON ME! I'M LYING HERE!) I just want everyone to be happy with themselves and their lives. I don't fucking care about my own happiness right now. I can be in this state of brokenness forever, if I just could see all of you guys being happy. I'd give my life.
Right now I just want someone to MISSHANDLA MIG, RIKTIGT RIKTIGT ILLA. Or get so high on some fucking drug that I can just pass out in my own cloudy dreams. WHOOPS I OD'd. That would be a let out for my feelings.
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF IT'S SO UNBEARABLE. AND I CAN'T PRETEND TO BE ALL LOVE AND HAPPINESS ANYMORE. Or I suppose I can. Tomorrow I'll feel better. And I'll regret that I wrote all this FUCKING SHIT. But right now: I JUST WANNA DIE. (And there YOU ALL GO: "FUCKING EMO DRAMA QUEEN, SO GO DO IT, WHO THE FUCK CARES!")
I'm fucking crying over NOTHING. I don't have any problems. I'm just making my own. And I think I passed the point of where I should stop. Without getting said what I really feel. DIE DIE DIE DRAMA QUEEN!!
