12.31.2008

New Year!


Best of 08:
- Beginning of the year with Kudds. Coziest ever. And also got a friend for life.
- London – SUM 41 concert, Camden Market, Topshop, walking around, shopping, Sweeney Todd-style clothes, punk-sisters, The Phantom at the Opera, Cornish Pasties, Devon scones, Marks&Spencers, Underground (Mind the gap!), Harrod's, Tea
- Tokyo – the place, the people, the culture, the sense of coming home, karaoke in Shibuya, hanging with G, shopping, Harajuku, clothes, sushi, onsen, parks, Japanese, temples, living in the place of my dreams, technology, anime, milk-tea, traditions, gardens, warm sake
- All the crazy stuff me and Stina always do, waterpipe in the middle of the night, acting like three-year olds (remember playing with mud in the sea? Sitting laughing at a stone for no reason at all?) Decreasing in age with every drink, flirting like mad – killing those poor boys' hearts
- Paris – getting to know a wonderfully amazing person (jerleperle), wine, strange dinners picnic-style, walking around seeing things, French, pastries, randomness, hungover in the Catacombs, the Eiffel Tower, thunderstorm from nowhere
- My birthday. Both the day at Tivoli and the crazy party the day after
- Hultsfred – crazyness, summer heat, drunkness, hilarious moments, endless love everywhere, tents, wild partying, “we'll all stay skinny cuz we just wont eat”, concerts, mosh, hot people, making out, random conversations, stina went religious, cows and “need weed”, cheerios and art on hats, baconöl och balla grannar, I'm Yours and Drunken Lullabies
- Summer job – earning money and feeling good about myself
- Berlin – finally getting to know people better. New friends. Beer.
- Twilight – yes it's like a major thing, after HP and LotR it looked like nothing would ever be as great a smash hit. But this one kinda was.
- Music - musicwise this has been an incredible year. Really developed a refined taste, understanding and depth.

Happy to leave behind:
- Feelings for assholes
- Heart brokenness
- Bad moments like the whole of january and midsummer
- Terrible hangovers
- False friends
- Insecurities (well, a little bit of them)
- Caring about what other people think/say

"If you are bored with life, if you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things — you don’t have enough goals." — Lou Holtz

I have no idea who that person is, but it seems kinda plausible doesn't it. SO. What should happen in 2009:
- Laughter, magic and adventures!
- Impulsive crazy random stuff
- Start working out again. Swimming!
- Go to more concerts and festivals
- Be more positive and actually DO things
- Travel as much as possible
- Work. Earn money.
- Fall in love
- Try at least one kind of psychedelic drug
- Learn how to do smoke rings
- Start writing on a novel
- Cook more, draw more, find outlets for all the creativeness
- Start carrying around hand lotion in my schoolbag
- Oh yeah... almost forgot... get 38 or higher on my EXAMS
- Get in to University (preferably in Japan)

"Having something like this written in your diary is a great way to remind yourself of who you are, who you want to be, & where you want to go. You can refer to it whenever you’re feeling a bit lost. Think of it as a beautiful road-map for the year."

How do you want to look 2009?
- Black, white, classy vs rock chic, belts, band t-shirts
- Slim jeans or tights (thin legs) + oversize cardigans + high heels (think “kurasu” - Rei Kawakubo)
- Preppy. Men's waist-jacket, prep shirt, pointy shoes (English gentleman vs Gossip Girl-ish)
- I thought of getting baggy jeans and trying out hiphop-ish, but I think I'll stick to weird hoodies and the occasional cap.

(This in contrast to my fashion statement the spring 08 when I was headed for nu-rave, scene queen and crunk!).

"Decide to do something in 2009 that terrifies you. Like hip-hop karaoke in front of an audience, telling someone how much you really like them, or sky-diving. Give yourself a deadline & make it happen!"
- I'd love to do anything terrifying. Terrifying is wonderful. Anytime. The adrenalin rush is like nothing else. Bungee jump, sky-dive, diving certificate...

"Come up with some new words to work into your vocabulary next year."
- "Such a papaya moment" (when something went awfully wrong). Something is "rad" - something is beyond cool. Everything funny Stina is going to say! "Bläckvard" - for all party-poopers out there. Generally all Sponge bob terms. "Miau?" - when words fail. "Swoon" - because it's fun. "Chillax" - because it's cool.

It's a little scary going in to a new year because it holds so many uncertainties. I have no idea what is going to happen, but it will be interesting.

Remember that 2009 will be what you make it. Set your intentions now & fall in love with the idea that it will be marvelous!

Ideas and quotes from:
http://www.galadarling.com/

12.30.2008

Finding it hard to leave my playstation


Do you like the picture? It is a portrait of Sponge Bob made in paint by my adorable little sister Ester.
Playing final fantasy x all day long, all night long has been a wonderful escape. Until I realised; this is not at all my cup of tea. In fact it's more like a cup of bile, my impatience stops me from going any further. I don't have the mind for strategic fights or long training/levelling sessions. I don't have the patience to run around and fight monsters just so I can get better and better until I have to face a near unbeatable boss. It takes too long time. The only thing I enjoy about the game is the amazing sceneries, places, people, cultures, buildings, ships - the character development and the beautiful film sequences. Whenever it was time for a long film sequences I kept thinking "this is totally worth it". Then, after five Game Overs - not so motivated to continue. The thing is, it's kinda hard to get through without tips and walkthroughs, which make you feel like you are cheating. I would like more "cloister of trials"-like tasks, like mystery-solving. As it is now, I'm giving up somewhere deep in the Macalania woods, way too underlevelled to get through. Yeh, should have thought of levelling earlier, yep. Anyway, I figured I'll just hand it over to Magda - she'll get through for me. Then I can just sit and watch the film sequences and let her do all the dirty work (aka levelling). Nope, gaming is definitely not for me. And thinking that thought, that I'd just hand it over to someone else to solve made me realise something about myself. That's what I do - whenever something gets too hard, or I loose impatience, I just drop it, or hand it over to someone else. It's very very rare that I follow through. Don't know if it's a comfort thing, something written in my stars (Gemini is known for never following though on projects) or just my retardedness. We all have our own kinds of hang-ups (or retardness as I incorrectly call it). The New Year is approaching and tomorrow I'll write a nice little summary of the year. Sort of. As for how I will celebrate the new year, I have no idea. Right now, I just feel like staying here with my family. But I know, if I do that I'll regret not getting shitfaced with my friends instead. Oh well. Today is today. Today is loitering around in pyjamas.

Det vi omfamnar är skuggor och det vi älskar är drömmar
- Doktor Glas

12.26.2008

Glozzy magazines [Papaya co...oh!]


I just thought of "success". What it entitles. Having "done something", accomplished something, merits, CV and so on. Since my sisters so conveniently are blocking my access to the playstation and thus my eternal bliss in FFX has become temporarily twarted, i find myself in front of the internetz. I am making a decision today. Goodbye Bilddagboken. I never really liked you anyway. BUT, back to success. Leafing through a glossy magazine, shock-full with rising teen stars and 16-year-old fashion moguls/dj-ing stars/it-club-girls, I couldn't help feeling like a piece of shit. What have I accomplished compared to them? Not-a-thing. While they were busy building an empire, there I sat moping in my corner, an excessive display of teen angst. Yes, I know, one shouldn't compare oneself with others blablabla, but the truth is, we do it even if we're not conscious of it. A constant comparison, a constant battle, which either makes us feel good (if we find ourselves better, sexier, whatever) or worse (if we're not as good as the subject of comparison). Anyway, that kinda obsessive behaviour sucks. We suck. Papaya Coconut. YES. Also, success equals a really busy social life. It does, I swear, in our mitigated brains. Thus, being at home on a friday night, of course one cannot log on to msn because PLAGUE! then other failures would see you online and see that you're a failure too. I am sure this is not a feeling only I am harbouring. I am sure. The fakeness to fit in. Wanting to be different but still keeping up that facade. Because it's much cooler to read or watch a movie with your peers than be online a friday night. Oh mah gahd, gahd forbid. Spit, spat, spun sugar. Hello. Also, today I decided my blog posts don't have to be shit ass long like they usually are, and I also decided I don't HAVE TO sound intelligent in them like I usually try to do. I know I am intelligent, I know I am fine being at home a friday night. I know I'm not a failure. My knowlegde is worth more to me than any fad bee-hive fucking mind.
So, this coming year, it's gonna be all about easing in to myself, feeling at home in my own skin and not be so fucking anxious about what the rest of you fuckers out there are doing because CAREFACE - I couldn't really care less. It's gonna be me, my peculiar mind, my books, my musings, my music, my odd sense of off-fashion, and trying to find a different path to success than the one everyone else is yearning for. Fuck stardom you fuckers.
Now now, attack isn't the best defence, but can you blame anyone who is constantly uncomfortable with herself? Didn't think so.

12.24.2008

Merry Xxx-Mas


Ho Ho Ho - Merry Christmas y'all!
Hope you get what you wished for ;)
As for me, y'all know I'm ok with some booze and kinky underwear!
Love you guys!

xxxx

12.22.2008

Thinking in a big house


Hello. It's winter but there isn't any snow, how depressing isn't that. Next year, which starts soon, I will start swimming because swimming is slimming and relaxing and even if I hate the wart-infested swimming pools available to us mortals, this is a thought I am unable to eradicate from my mind. I also want to get tanned. I don't know where this thought came from, in the middle of all this vampire-craze and since I'm usually really fond of my pallor, it struck me today that people with a nice golden tan are more appealing. I want to be appealing. It is a simple-minded thought that has gotten me in trouble more than I'd like to think about, but now once it is bouncing around in my head I can't get it out.

Also, set sail for disappointment. Really, people shouldn't expect so much since it only makes people more disappointed. Like, I often expect response from people, and when I don't get it I get really disappointed. Or I expect someone to show that they are better than my first impression of them was. And they don't. Or I expect them to act in a certain way or say something wonderful or give me some attention and it doesn't happen and I become vexed out of my mind. But why the hell do I even fucking care about these people at all? Why waste thought-space on fucktards. New slogan, yes. Why waste thought-space on fucktards.

I read a rhetoric book, or rather a book on rhetorics, the other day. It said that you had to repeat whatever you wanted to make sure the listeners got into their head three times, the golden rule of three. That was interesting. And then I finished a book called "Dead until dark" and it was amusing but not anything brilliant, but the interesting thing was the protagonist. She hoarded thoughts, what people said, and experiences, for, as she said, "later thought processing". So whenever she got bored, she picked out these tidbits and let her mind chew on them like some late afternoon snack. It made me laugh.

Had more pleasant dreams and I don't know why they happen to me here. Maybe I am more calm and at home here in this house. But the interesting thing is not the dreams in themselves, it is the thoughts that follow, the changes in me, in my awake state. Which is slightly disconcerting. The most disconcerting thing about the dreams is how they highlight my loneliness. They are my greates comfort and escape and yet they bring so much sorrow. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe.

Do you know what I always dreamed someone would do? That sometime, when I'm feeling particularly alone and abandoned, some old acquaintance of mine would just walk up to my door, knock and surprise me. Tell me they really missed me and can't we hang out for the day? Heck, I'd love for anyone, randomly, just pay me a visit anytime, knock my door and make me happy.

12.17.2008

Folie à Deux - Bell Jar - Hairy Heart


Folie à Deux. Fall Out Boy's new album. Out now. It's cute as punk-rock goes, uplifting and fun. But not original. Some heavier riffs, burning absinthe and electro beats added to the mix would have made it edgier and more interesting. No hits on this album, and honestly I did expect more from the alternatives turned sell-outs. Don't know what it is with people frowning at the sell-out label stapled to their heads but yes, a few people out there might be too blinded by their Fall Out Boy love (like me) and thus accept this a-little-too-bland-for-my-taste album with open arms.

"Folie à deux (roughly, "a madness shared by two") is a rare psychiatric syndrome in which a symptom of psychosis (particularly a paranoid or delusional belief) is transmitted from one individual to another." (Wiki) I love the name of the album though. Psychosis for two, the new à la mode platter at the chicest restaurants. Wink, wink.

The Bell Jar is so ME. It's like reading about myself. Which scares me like hell. The same off-beat thoughts and observations, the sadness, inertia, indecisiveness. Fearing the future. Like I said, it's like a secret voice coming from my own bones. Sylvia Plath committed suicide.
Morbid and confusing like a lunatics dream. And still, that inertia, that apathy is something I experience quite often – the paralyzing fear of the future, the nagging paranoia that people compare your past with your present and future. The insects crawling down your back. Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling, listening to the silence, not feeling a thing – feeling scared because you're not feeling a thing. Reluctantly going out of bed even though everything in your body is working against it. Positioning yourself at the bedside, looking out the window. Endless gray skies. Dullness. Apathy. And something wrenching your guts out because you know it's not healthy to think and feel like that, you know you ought not disappoint the people around you. You know you ought to perform, to have a receipt at the end of the day, showing what you've accomplished. Feeling guilty because you're not capable of accomplishing anything. Or not being enough anyway. Closing in on yourself, the skin clammy. Why. Why wash today when I'll just have to do it again tomorrow. Why eat today when I just have to eat tomorrow again. Why do anything since it all comes to dust in the end.
Poems are dust. People are dust. Dust, dust, dust.
This is the Bell Jar. The bell jar around you, not allowing any fresh air in to your existence. Watching the world move on, develop, watching people talk and live and have fun and feeling like puking on all of it. A disconcerting feeling you're missing out on it all. The morbid thoughts popping up now and then. “Oh that would be a nice way to die”. Standing at the train tracks, listening to the beauty of the song of iron, the whistling and bustling and people walking. Static. Hesitating. Scared. Bailing out. Smiling to oneself while standing there. “I could have done it you know... just don't want to disappoint anyone”.
Fascination with sound and scent. Picking it up. Distinguishing it from the mass of buzzing. Wondering why I noticed it and why it is distracting me and why I am thinking this at all. Go on, be normal, stop being so neurotic.
The future branching out into a fig tree, every swollen fig a possible future. One is university in Japan on scholarship. One is working one year (with God knows what) earning money to go to Japan. One is a one-year language course in Japan, funded by loans. One is staying put, being bored to death and paralyzed about the future, reading and writing. One is death, no more thoughts or worries or disconcerting feelings. One is uncertainty.
All the figs equally possible, some more beckoning than others. Fearing that soon they will all shrivel, turn black and drop dead to the cold ground frozen solid.

When a young person sees an asylum or jail as a safe future, something in society has gone awfully wrong. I just don't know if I can take the competition. The harsh market. Selling yourself like an overpriced object. The Bell Jar. Sylvia Plath. She committed suicide.

The Tales of Beedle the Bard. Wonderful little wizarding stories, making you smile and marvel at the mind of JKR. Kept me busy for an hour. Kept my mind off things. I enjoyed it very much and the first thought after reading it was - this I will read to my children, like others would read Cinderella and the like. My favorite out of the five wizard fairytale was “The Warlock's Hairy Heart”, which was really engaging and interesting: a wizard notices the silliness of all his friends who has fallen in love and vows to never let that happen to himself. Thus he performs Dark magic that cuts out his heart, and he locks it in a coffin. Thinking he now has eternal and undisturbed bliss ahead of him, he lives on alone in his big castle, wealthy and handsome, not mourning the passing of his parents or taking any interest in any woman's courting. One day his pride is damaged when he overhears two servants pitying him, and he decides to take himself a wife, just for show of course. So he starts courting the richest, wisest and most beautiful magical lady available, but she knows something is the matter with him. She gets him to show her his locked up heart and she demands that he put it back where it belongs. The wizard does so, but his heart has grown so forlorn to his own body, it's hairy and shriveled and more like the heart of an animal, that it turns on him. It possesses him and make him rip out the heart of the beautiful lady. She dies, and eventually when he realizes what he has done he rips out his hairy heart and there they both die. Sweeney Todd-style. Dumbledore's personal comments on this is that it is a story that speaks to the darkest depths in all of us – and addresses the least acknowledged temptations of magic: the quest for invulnerability. But to hurt is as human as to breathe. The young warlock regards love as a humiliation, a weakness and a sickness and search out a means to ward this sickness off at all costs. Then he babbles on about how a hairy heart now is a saying about someone particularly cold and callous, and that some relation of his was going to marry but found out in time the wizard in question “had a hairy heart” and decided not to (although it was also argued that the reason for not marrying the wizard in question was that he had been discovered fondling Horklumps, which is nasty pinkish shrooms, don't ask).
Dumbledore has such an original mind. I love it.

12.16.2008

Earthquake and numbers


The earthquake was totally awesome, stop whining people! Scary my ass, I just wanna experience it again. Yes, I'm an adrenalin junkie with no soul, been called that numerous times, but hey what a kick! Awesome way to wake up anyway.

Cut my hair on the scariest salon ever. They had no idea what they were doing. Felt sorry for the guy in the chair next to me, he was getting his hair bleached by a total amateur. I swear, it's gonna fall off. It was an experience nonetheless, and as the collector of experiences I am...

Another recent experience was transforming people into scary dolls by make-up. It was kinda exciting, and I just adore the creative process. And I got to spend time with crazy-A, which always is a bunch of fun.

Now for more ethereal matters. Sylvia Plath. When she speaks to me through the pages it's like a secret voice coming from my bones... The bell jar. Hello blissfull reading. Oblivion. Got me thinking. Again.

Why do we all wanna be big rock stars, girls come easy and drugs go cheap, we'll stay skinny cause we just wont eat? Loosing innocence too fast. There's a need to rush out into the grown-up world. Bra's for five-year olds. Why did I rush? Why didn't I save and wait? Why did I take the first chance I could to spoil my innocence? Why pass out from drunkness? Why one-night stands? What was behind all that, what thoughts, fears, insecurities and decisions? What if I never did, who would I be today? Don't get me wrong here, je ne regrette rien. But it's interesting to closer examine thought patterns.

New years eve is approaching. I thought of hosting a party, it would be so cool, but don't have the means right now. So don't know what I will do yet. Maybe if I get FFX for christmas, I'll spend it with Tidus and co. Or maybe I'll ask around, who's going where etc, smoke up and tag along. Like the looser I am.

I made a list for the year that has passed. The year in average numbers. I want my equation to add up, I want to be someone to count on. Here goes:

Fell in love: 0
Cried: 12
Died: 2
Ate at McDonald's: 63
Ate at BK: 72
Chokladfrapino at EH: 21
Hated ToK: infinite
New friends: 3
Good books: 9
Great concerts: 23
Lost cell phones: 1
Crashed computers: 2
Passed out: 1 (HAH!)

The last blog post of the year will sum up good and bad things with the year that passed and boy what a year it's been. Mind-blowing in it's own peculiar way. London, Tokyo, Paris, Berlin, Hultsfred. I count the value of a year by the number of amazing experiences so...

12.13.2008

Be running up that hill


Placebo. One of the discoveries I made recently. of course I have heard Placebo songs before, famous ones such as 36 degrees. But it was not until I stumbled upon a Sims 2 clip on youtube with "Cold light of morning" by Placebo that I really opened my eyes to this incredible band. New favourite: "Running up that hill". Yes I've heard that one before as well, but this time it simply blew me away.
Here it is in a Final Fantasy vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sx9gSSUHJE
FFX sure looks rad. A game I've been dying to play. On PP2, whenever that comes out in Sweden.

Hypnotizing. Want to learn it. And experience it, see it, try it. Music is hypnotizing to me. Some songs, songs that change your life. Running up that hill is a song that changes your life. Just like Rei Fu's Life is like a boat, and Do you feel by The Rocket Summer. Songs that go right into your heart and change bit by bit how your mind is built up.

Make a deal with God, and ge thim sto swap our places. There is a place I'd like to be right now. And however I seem to plan my way there, it doesn't work out. You wanna feel how it feels? Wanna know that it doesn't hurt me? Wanna hear about the deal I'm making? Running up that hill.

The future lurking around the next corner. Lucia was a saint. She died and went to heaven - let's change the experience. We all die sooner or later, no deal. Soon it is chrishmukkah and what happens then. Then the next year begins. The year I graduate from High School. I am afraid. So afraid.

And what begins today get its end tomorrow. I dreamt a wonderful dream last night. I dreamt I fell in love. He looked conspicuosly much like Johnny the hot surfer from The O.C season 3 (I didn't mind). We went to a luxurious bath house or something like that. Me, unknown girl who was my friend (I didn't notice her much) and him. And it was perfect. I didn't want to wake up but eventually I did.

Anime is another thing that hypnotizes. Make you see clearer, make you feel. Open your eyes. You're walking by your dreams every day. Just stop clenching your fists and get things done instead. How deep the bullet lies. You're tearing yourself apart with every day that passes. Blind to the love that surrounds you, thinking you're alone in the world. It doesn't have to be like that. Open your heart. Start with your eyes. They're unseeing.

If I only could heal you. And everyone else. Everyone who is suffering. It's unnecessary to suffer from things you afflict on yourself. But I can't help, not even the ones I love. Frustrating, maddening, sad. The secret behind all secrets, the lies behind all lies, the world behind the one we're living everyday. There is like a wall, a film, in front of our eyes. And it's not going to change. Will you help yourself today?

We all matter. Be running up that road. Be running up that hill. Be running up that building. If I only could...

12.09.2008

Apocalypse Suite


Would you think it a bad idea to write a short essay focused on My Chemical Romance and a Personal statement focused on changing the world? Well, that's what I'm writing... For a uni application. It is so fucking expensive to go to those universities I can only hope I will get some kind of scholarship or massive financial aid. But I mean, if I go to uni here it will cost too, right? My mom went to uni in Sweden and she is still paying off on her loans...

Umbrella Academy: Apocalypse Suite - Gerard Way. Just read the entire Apocalypse Suite and man does it blow you away. Gabriel Bá is a comic god - a genius! His artwork is so beautiful it hurts your eyes! And the storyline, well I didn't expect any less from the incredible lyricist and lead singer of one of the most interesting band in ages... Sometimes hard to keep up, but the fact that not everything is spelled out only makes it so much better - requires some thinking. Comics have always been a huge passion - only, it's been in shadow of much greater passions such as books. I really should pick up drawing again - I loved it so much. And I was good. For a time. Now I've kinda lost all skill and I also get so frustrated with doing seemingly nothing - doesn't make me calm anymore. but comics! obscure, avant-garde comics with cryptic messages, fun twists and inventive un-pretentious plot lines...

Apocalypse Suite. Apocalypse Please. What is it with apocalypses? What is it with blood-spattered pictures and zombie-arms? What is it with ominous bass and elegiac guitars? What is it with that sense of doom? Why does it shake me in my foundations? Every time I hear a futuristic, apocalyptic sound, I tremble and take it right in to my heart.

Val Emmerich - that guy looks like some Panic at the disco heart-break kid. But he has very cute videos for example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVfw7q5OkA0
Soothing. Listen to his other songs too. Can't find it anywhere to buy or download, which is too bad because I could really use this song for tomorrow. Always nice with new music on the iPod. And think that I found him on Ugly Betty. Think next episode, he will actually play. Ep7. Definitely PatD-material.

The only one lonely. Only want a connection - no one shares my lack of direction. No one ever bothers to explore the depths. And that makes me sad.

12.08.2008

Breaking dawn - the end did come


"Forever and forever and forever" he murmured.
"That sounds exactly right to me."
And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

It's hard to believe it really is over. These books, four books of about 400 pages or more each, have kept me going now for two weeks. Sucking me in to their incredible world. They motivated me and kept me going. Had me laughing and smiling and almost crying (as a general rule, I've only cried twice from a book - ever - first time when Frodo leaves Sam in Two Towers, and second when Sirius dies in HP5). Also hyperventilating. Yes. That was totally Edward's fault. Anyway. These books are good, no, better than good. To my little sister they are definitely what HP was to me. I am so happy that she, through these books, got her eyes opened to reading. That is exactly what children/teenage books have to do - open the eyes of young readers to the world where everything is possible. And the Twilight saga definitely does that. I guess it left me slightly stunned since I'm still sitting her staring out into nothingness. They are all so dream-like in quality that it feels like something I've dreamed myself, they are part of me now. What surprised me was that they also taught me something about human nature. Yes, a book about vampires taught me about human nature. As damaged as I am by English A2 - the strongest theme is still love. Love with capital L. And then imagine if you're a vampire and immortal, and can have the love of your life forever...

Twilight - dreamlike and wonderful - seductive
New Moon - very vivid and painful in a way, strong scenes that stay with you
Eclipse - don't remember bigger parts of this one, it floated by sort of, until the end. which was very annoying at some points... and yes, chapter 20 as well, mmmmm....
Breaking Dawn - fascinating and frustrating and the most provoking in the series. Remember everything. The first part builds up tension. The second made me downright angry, wanted to throw it away screaming with frustration and the third part... well the third part is the end so of course it's compelling and extraordinary.

You will have to read for yourselves to get a feel of the obsession these books have become to so many people. Trust me, I know the impact they have. *magda, host*
Also, it will be very interesting to watch the movie version and I will continue going to premiere nights because the audience on premieres is always the best - absolutely charming. Shrieks and swoons and laughter at exactly the right places, cheers even for the enemies. Haha. I guess you can call it quaint. Sort of.

It is with concern and sorrow I part with these books. I know they will not be a subject for re-read for a long time at least (unlike for some, extremely obsessed persons *magda, host*) since I don't want to disturb the serene, magical picture of them in my head (I always get more analyzing when I re-read). And also because they are so dear to me. Concern because they kept me motivated and calm like nothing else can. I did more schoolwork in these weeks than I've done in a long time, just so I could reward myself with some intense reading, and because they made me calm. It was a perfect escape and now I feel like a nude, exposed, blubbering baby kicked out too early from the warm, comfortable womb. Who knows when I'll find this kind of peace again...

12.04.2008

Snowing on the tombs


I have never been in an apple's head. Do apples have heads? No they have seed houses, so technically it's their reproductive organ. Like wombs. What if the wombs say “let's go down” and then half of them say “let's go up” and then they go down. Not on eachother that is. To the ground. We don't know that we aren't apple wombs, do we? We can't know. The world-wide-recognized paradigms are as much a leap of faith as believing in psychic abilities or religious phenomena.

And so it became December. And the little angry kitten didn't even notice. I bet the snow was a plot, an ambush. But a beautiful one. There is something peaceful yet erotic about snow, like the mix between old and new Japan, the traditional values and the modern technology. Subtle, refined, yet so much more telling than anything else. The snow, yes. Watching flakes slowly falling, melting on the ground, People change in the snow. They look different. As if new secrets have been revealed to them.

A work of art that impressed you and affected your outlook on life. No, I won't choose the obvious. I will refrain from letting my emotions get the better part of me. Do I have such a side? A better one? One that can be more than this?

Thoughts. How they stay hidden from others if you don't open your mouth. People can't see them, even if it feels like that sometimes. Like people can see right through me. Some people are harder than others to read, I just hope I belong in that group. I mean, who want to be easy to read? Liquid eyes concealing the truth. It's when you let people go, when you simply can't be bothered with them anymore, that they finally show interest, or respond. Or maybe it's just that you stopped caring, stopped fretting they won't answer this or that. When you forget them. And there they are. Just like that, saying sorry or complimenting or showing interest. It's so interesting, almost like reverse-psychology. It is reverse psychology.

It's been long since I heard from you. And from you. And you. The first hasn't said a word, not yet but I'm hoping if I go on keeping my mouth shut he will eventually come around. Feeling bad about it or something. We'll see. The second, well I really didn't expect that, but it was a pleasant surprise and I hope this has come full circle. Not that you matter much to me anymore, only have value as a memory. And the third, I sort of thought that would come earlier and I guess this is where I am supposed to be sorry. I was kinda a jackass at that time, playing around as I did. But I bet you forgot me as easily as you slipped from my mind after only a week.

It is also weird that I am talking about this here. I guess it gives it context. Or perspective. Or something. I guess the snow does too. Mindful walking, breath by breath, step by step, the body moving, my feet, one in front of the other. The cold, the snow melting in my hair, on my face, on my lips. Hugging a piece of wet snow in my palm, turning it into a small piece of ice, letting it melt and drip through my fingers. The churchyard, in the slowly falling big white flakes, the candles flickering, casting shadows on the tombs. Ancient worlds lost.