Adrenalin junkie with no soul

Lies make it better
Lies are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed
Lies

Inside an office, a fallen angel
A smiling Buddha with snake eyes
Creates the latest trends
And i just cant pretend
Dont call me your friend

(Billy Talent)

I found away
Over the fear and through the flames
I'm diving in, don't follow me
Stay right here, I'll be back for you someday
I found away
It'd be best if you just stayed
It's not safe, don't follow me
I found away
I found away

(Alkaline Trio)

Serotonin chock oh yeah :D "You're like... like an adrenalin junkie with no soul!!"

I had a good time yeah. Great even.
As I said. Don't want you to go.
You might be the only one who understands who I am.
Who gets me.

I want to go there now. Such a longing. Unbearable.
One year.

A perfect summer's day

If he wrote a story, why would he excuse himself? the quintessence of Auster is the authorship of the story, puns and wordplay fooling you into believing this or that happened in reality when it all really was a dream, maybe even a fictional dream, a.k.a a dream within a story. think if i could further the plotline with sheer mindpower!!

Our thoughts are the ink we write the story of our life with. So think about what you think.

Or don't. Fuck I'm starting to get so annoyed at work. At all those people being rude, whining about shit, not being patient. I mean they can see with their own eyes we have a thousand things to deal with. Of course, the customer is always right, but we have a saying at our workplace, "don't underestimate stupid people in large groups". When you go to a restaurant, you want to have a good time right? So why be an outright asshole and ruin it for everyone? Workin 13 hours straight isn't the easiest in that stressful environment.

moody electronica, so chill. like yesterday. lost in a reverie. seriously, yesterday was a great day. woke up early, went to the gym for an hour, then straight to the beach, sunbathing, swimming in the ocean. then buy thai food on the way home, train to g, and chiiillll... feels good. such a beautiful place to be, in a dreamstate, where everything is beautiful, where everything is connected. where you don't have to be anyplace else, just enjoy the music and the moment. It's what I live for: MUSIC.

I wanna taste the breeze of every great city

If life is a highway, I'm drunk at the wheel...

Deathbed by Relient K
Rediscovered Say Anything too. Really intelligent lyrics, love it.
Here's a taste for yah.

Admit it!
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into a antiquated path
It’s disgusting, its offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we’re not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, yeah

Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, you’re living a lie (hey) living a lie (hey) you’re life is living a lie
You don’t impress me (admit it)
You don’t intimidate me (admit it)
Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah!)

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah (what do you..)

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my..
Guitar, guitar go!

I drift drift drift drift drift yeah
I drift drift drift drift drift oh yeah

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
My car and my guitar
So you'll come to be, made of these, urges unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I'm dead I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest, lay still

Yes that was a song. :) So fucking brilliant. Read it twice, just to make sure you got the self-irony of it all.

The Joker. The ultimate emissary of chaos. If I was a bad guy, this would be it. "What doesn't kill you, only makes you more mad." Lunatic laughter, the whole nonchalant non-planning, "others make plans, I don't", the way he gets everyone to play against eachother. His "social experiment", his crime genius, his brilliance... It's hard to not admire this guy. And hard to not fall flat for Heath Ledger. He excels, he's brilliant, he's the villain of the year. The interesting thing about how he interprets the Joker, is that there's still vulnerability and childishness shining through. Like the Joker only is a runaway kid, scared and insecure but hiding behind a wall of madness. One of the best Joker-moments was the Joker as a nurse. Inside, I was laughing my ass off.
Another thing I found interesting about the new Batman movie (yes I'm a comic-book geek) was the story with the White and Dark Knight, a.k.a Harvey and Batman. Each of them just as just, fighting the criminality of Gotham, one showing his face, the other masked. Both symbols of hope. I really don't think Harvey died in the end, wouldn't Harvey Two-Face be the villain for next movie? We'll see when it comes out, but I really can't wait. Batman Begins was better, with a more detailed and thought-provoking storyline, this storyline was a little bit too much nice explosions. But nothing beats the Joker. And nothing beats Christian Bale. He's the one.

Castles in the air

har spelat så sjukt mkt old-school hp nu att ögonen blöder. broken four. förlåt att jag inte har en kalender och glömmer bort er, men verkligheten är en helt annan här borta i ystad. jag jobbar, jag sover, jag äter. jag umgås med familjen. spelar hp. kollar på svampbob. pretty much it. oh. and i read. alot.
i even forget who i am sometimes.
todays literary feature would be from hp7. just finished re-reading it. and some of it still doesn't make sense. it all solves itself all too neatly and some deaths are just pathetically unnecessary. like hedwig's, lupin's and tonk's. why did they die but for the sake of terrible deaths to scar harry, to weigh on his conscience. ive outgrown the characters, they were my saviours at age nine, ten. but now, they dont give me much anymore. i need another sort of character. i need the byronic hero, an antihero. harry is too good, too brave, too solve-all-this-and-live-happily-ever-after. which he does, which i am glad he does, but still everything falls too perfectly into place. narrow escapes dont even give chills and stomach ache anylonger, cause you know he will win. Still I'm enchanted beyond measure by the magic of that world, I'm still as transfixed as I was at nine years old. I still want to live in it. Rather that than this. But the grass is always greener in make-belief. I'll have to make-do with the second best thing to wave-your-wand-magic.

Science separates and studies. It says, "I am not that..."
Magic joins and communicates. It says "I am all that and more..."

Castles in the air vanish in the midday sun.
Be still and gather strength, for there is much to be done.
You are the Art, the Message, and the Song.

Take responsibility for your dreams and make them come true

About dreaming, hopes and trying to find enough money to finance a start. Because it’s all about the beginning.
Almost everything is about money, I mean, you have to work real hard to get where you want to be. It’s not even about talent, which sucks, it’s about money and contacts. And that makes the game so much harder to play, doesn’t it.
People laugh when I tell them what I want to be. Not as in a humourous laugh, more like a pitying snort, saying ”oh honeypie, I meant what you wanted to work as, no writers get any money!” And there it is again, the never ceasing-to-be curse that will follow me forever. I’d love to be able to support myself, but as it looks now, that would be close to impossible. I can’t work a full-time job when I’m in school and without a full-time job, I wouldn’t be able to have an apartment of my own.

I'm writing again! I love it. the ideas forming into words, running down my fingers into the keyboard, taking shape and taking meaning. it's time to get to work, i'll have to practise writing every day, even if it only is a little, even if it only is a sentence a day. Those who doesn't believe will never get their dream. I am getting mine, and nothing has ever felt more empowering and reassuring than knowing that next year, I'll, somehow, be off to Japan to study japanese, journalism and literature. I'll find ways to finance it and I'll even work a part-time job if that's what it takes. And I'll not leave once i got there. tokyo will be my home as a freelance journalist and writer. but the dream might change, you never know.

as it is now. I believe. Stop being so negative, stop handling money like it burns, start taking responsibility for your dreams instead of telling yourself it's impossible. Attitude and willpower is almost everything, at least more than you think.

You came back wrong, pet

grown-ups are so boring sometimes.
all of a sudden so asocial.
rest in peace, get some sleep. need sleep.
you came back wrong pet.
powers above this. the moon.

working loads. again. hopefully earning enough money for a new laptop. god im always going on about that new laptop. i really need it. and a cell phone. this old one is breaking apart...
ive been watching so much buffy it's insane. just cause i really feel like buffy, like in season 6 when she comes back from the grave and just feels estrangement to everything and everyone. she came back wrong.
two weeks are planned. tue - work, wed - movienight, thu - homework/reading (maybe meet mattie), fri - work, sat - work, sun - g?, mon - nothing yet (book me!) xD tue - work, wed - work, thu - sara + narnia, fri - g?, sat - work, sun - work. tadaa. im planning more and more, god i feel so responsible. and it's good i have a schedule somewhere as well, makes me focus better. homework really has to get started now, not too concerned though.
have to get my hands on some boxes, like Buffy, the O.C and Entourage. good watching before and after work to get all anxiety thoughts out of my head. feels like im off-track music wise again. no lyrics in my head.
have to copy some stuff from the Spellcaster book and put out here, so beautiful.
good god, you guys should re-read harry potter. it's great, i promise you.

says:
friendship is a two-way thing where both parts needs to do their part, and FFS you cant just use a friend like a freaking piece of clothing which you put back into the closet just so you can take it out when it suits you

says:
that would be so awesome if someone finally just stood up and said the things we're all thinking

thanks for the wise words, without you i would loose my way like that fast. wish you could be here right this instant. Tristan.

An artist is always alone

The fight will continue forever.
as long as i live
and there's not much to do about it

some moods are just weird. like the ones i have when on trains. that's when i think about the meaning of life.
today i thought about how beautiful nature is. and that it really gives us all we need to live. and still we abuse it.
blah blah. why have we committed these crimes blah blah apocalypse blah eco-friendly blaha. yes.
no one will listen if it is given like that. like a big fat morality cake forced down your throat, making you choke.
pink candles + vanilla scented candles + buffy

These are some quotes by Henry Miller. Found them when I was pretending to search material for my ToK essay. Gave me great ideas for novels.

"The real enemy can always be met and conquered, or won over. Real antagonism is based on love, a love which has not recognized itself."

"The dreamer whose dreams are non-utilitarian has no place in this world. In this world the poet is anathema, the thinker a fool, the artist an escapist, the man of vision a criminal."

"Man has demonstrated that he is master of everything -- except his own nature."

"Life has to be given a meaning because of the obvious fact that it has no meaning."

"Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music -- the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."

"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware."

"Analysis brings no curative powers in its train; it merely makes us conscious of the existence of an evil, which, oddly enough, is consciousness."

"An artist is always alone -- if he is an artist. No, what the artist needs is loneliness."

"This is not a book. This is libel, slander, defamation of character. This is not a book, in the ordinary sense of the word. No, this is a prolonged insult, a gob of spit in the face of Art, a kick in the pants to God, Man, Destiny, Time, Love, Beauty... what you will. I am going to sing for you, a little off key perhaps, but I will sing."

"There are lone figures armed only with ideas, sometimes with just one idea, who blast away whole epochs in which we are enwrapped like mummies. Some are powerful enough to resurrect the dead. Some steal on us unawares and put a spell over us which it takes centuries to throw off. Some put a curse on us, for our stupidity and inertia, and then it seems as if God himself were unable to lift it."

Kinda blackened superhero

...with nobody's best interests in mind.

the deliberate human intent to harm (myes doesnt say much does it, i mean everyone can be evil, if they want to)
the intent to cause harm is crucial (now were talkin, you have to mean it, really feel you fucking mean it, want it, desire it, strive for it)
humanity is, within itself, irremediably evil (thats kinda bleak, does it mean were all just doomed?)
Satan, a challenger of the law or will of God (concepts of good and evil myes, symbols, personifications, something for people to wrap their brains around, easier to get maybe. challenger of law, like that, thats like a super-anarchist)
Some cultures or philosophies believe that evil can arise without meaning or reason (i agree, it can definitely do so. think of cancer for example, isnt that evil to us? or war. catastrophes. pain. death?)
evil arises from a misunderstanding of the goodness of nature (misunderstandings are evil. thats why people shouldnt assume so much)
even the most "evil" person does not pursue evil for its own sake (well that would just be stupid wouldnt it. is selfgain evil?)
is exclusion evil?
there are relatively few ways to do good, but there are countless ways to do evil (so fucking true)
what things, actions, and ideas are undesirable (allow me to laugh)
destructive and antisocial behavior toward others (waow i really have to look up how they define anti-social, i mean, by my meaning, how can that be a bad thing for anyone else than the person itself)
"punitive justice" — punishing acts that are seen as bad or wrong (yeah ive always wondered what bringt fella came up with those ideas, i mean its not logical at all, to do evil to evildoers "cause they deserve it"?!)
is the inability to think from other peoples viewpoints evil?
"evil is live spelled backwards" (aaand?)
a lack of conscience (that must be a biological defect, right?)
Research into sociopathology (waow, i wanna research that, so interesting you know)
a lack of ability to realize the true consequences of one's actions (we dont like consequences do we. we just semi-learnt to deal with consequences in an adult way havent we. or just ignore it all together. i like that. the theory of ignoring things til they just wont bother anymore. see if they still bother. bother, bother.)

talked to a bum today. he said he was a musician. he was very drunk but offered me a muffin. i didnt want the muffin. he asked what music i liked. he liked hardcore stuff too. he said he played the guitar. then he just walked away again.

too much caffeine. not good i suppose. brushing up on spellcasting skills, very interesting reading i must say. thought about it more and more since the spellcasting in buffy, some is authentic some is just huffbuff. guess everyone got a touch of the wicca craze when it was on a few years ago. dont know if the neopagans are still on the rise. maybe not. havent heard much about it and many of the old communities have disappeared because of lack of usage. i checked. remember this tarot woman i met there once, she was pretty awesome, would teach me about tarot and give me readings, for free. she had a nice webpage, wanna find it again. no one would believe the things... everything haha. such tides personality-wise is just so... unnatural. couldnt be possible. but at least im not alone. i hope.

ask the cards

FOUR OF CUPS - This card is also about over-indulgence in drink, food, drugs, sex, even internet chat rooms, looking for stimulation. It is all too easy to turn to such things when depressed or bored. In general, this card is a warning. The Querent might be in a stagnant relationship, but day-dreaming of others or over indulging is not the way to solve the problem. Stop looking for ways to escape it, and look, instead, for ways to change it.

trying to please, is this how i come alive?
mescalineisnottheonlywaytoflythereissomemorebadassstuffoutthere

the beginning of a novel is a threshold, separating the real world we inhabit from the world the novelist has imagined. it should therefore, as the phrase goes, "draw us in". the greatest mystery of all is the human heart.

nu är det svampbob! ;D

This vanity I'm breaking

Those painful times so alone, so ashamed
I'm not coming back, there's nothing to gain

this song is me. --> (Honey, this mirror isn't big enough for the two of us)

The amount of pills I'm taking
Counteracts the booze I'm drinking,
And this vanity I'm breaking
Lets me live my life like this,
And well I find it hard to stay
With the words you say.
Oh baby let me in,
Oh baby let me in.

Well I'll choose the life I've taken,
Never mind the friends I'm making,
And the beauty that I'm faking
Lets me live my life like this.
And well I find it hard to stay with the words you say.
Oh baby let me in,
Oh baby let me in.
And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much.

Well I hope I'm not mistaken
By the news I heard from waking.
And it's hard to say I'm shaken
By the choices that I make.
Well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say.
Oh baby let me in,
Oh baby let me in.

good song. worked today, working tomorrow. tired, exhausted. spinning. head ache. downloading new music. biffy clyro, less than jake, my bloody valentine, alkaline trio, ortega, nachtmystium, the legacy, errors and funeral pyre. anyone have something really hardcore? have to get headphones. fuck. or find the insurance thingy for the old ones. want my skullcandy back. they insult people just by existing haha. guess we have that in common. 01.01 (breathless). hardcore. softcore. breakcore. did i forget to mention. how much. i like. music. ? .
mon - work tue - m? (need some buffy!!) xD wed - g? m? thu - work fri - m? NaRnIa ;D sat - anna sun - AnImE dAy (m?)
i like these weekly plannings. just a loose outline but gets my head in the game. one of these days i need to get drunk. anyone up for getting so pissed we pass out? i have tequila (licking lips) and mintshots, and smirnoff. if you make me laugh, i'll get you drunk.

the soundtrack of my summer

should have written this earlier. like a beautiful glow, a golden shimmer, heart beats faster, everything feels wonderful. breathing sacred air, like the air got softer, cleaner, more golden. feeling the in between places, the softness. if you get into it, it'll take you away. i don't mix with people simply. im going back to my own little world again. even if i don't want things to go wrong they do. even if i want the best, and want everyone to be happy, it just doesn't happen. we discussed it as my special talent. it really is. like if i was a superhero, my superpower would be to fuck things up. im thinking about next term. i expect it to be hell. ill have to find a hell of a lot of anime. and get a new laptop, pronto. which reminds me that i have to start working on my schoolwork.
and get back to work. do i really wanna meet people today? guess a movie wont hurt.
or some buffy. possibly. want my family to come back home.
whats the soundtrack of your summer?
i think mine is my own thoughts, pouring on and on. a neverending stream. and the music that would be a soundtrack this summer is the music from the festivals. babyshambles, the used, sonic syndicate. flogging molly is coming to malmöfestivalen! im so fucking going. gonna be awesome cuz theyre the best. otherwise im really getting into heavier stuff.
Don't be so obvious.
It's so unattractive, you know.
Don't close your eyes, it will all pass you by.
rephrase the whys and the unknowns, this will not be over tomorrow. don't think its a disease, its a mindstate. reasons for everything?
One day I'll fly away and leave all this to fucking yesterday. od anyone. or something more beautiful. like jumping, soaring?
don't even know which thoughts to fight anymore. doesn't feel good when i eat, but i don't know if i should fight it. or trains. should i fight those thoughts?
the other day i got this urge to bite into sweet skin. i didn't do it.
girls talk shit. (i do care)

They need to take seven and they might take yours

Are feelings really in the heart. and what do we do without a voice.
it's so silly how people really try. how they live pretentious lives, hiding everything that makes them who they truly are. because those things are eccentric, or wrong, shameful or something like it. nerdy. why are people so afraid to be themselves. why are people afraid to live. i don't feel now but i know i will feel when it's gone.
fear. i love it. it's interesting how it makes the heart beat faster. but we love safe fears. not the real ones. what do you fear?
how many fear themselves, their own minds?
sleep and dreams. dreams of war and enemies three nights in a row now. spend the days in good friends' company, the nights with my enemies. ironic isn't it.
and i still can't tell between dream and reality. what i can tell is that i need a change of air. i wanna go abroad again. take me away?
simple, is anything simple. no?
what a hell of a storm, sometimes i can't think.

What if I
Felt like I belong
I might not be leaving so soon