The Choices that change Life

Isn't it strange when the past week feels like months ago? When yesterday feels like a week ago? When so much happens at once that you get brain overload and panic angst attacks and have to sit down for an hour just to organize, write lists and make plans to deal with every hour of every day.

Now it is decided. In almost only a week, I am going to The Canary Islands. To work. For five months, if it works out. If it doesn't work out I might be home in a month or so again. At least then I will have tried and given it a chance. These are chances that don't come along that often. And I have to say yes more than I do nowadays. It will be interesting. Hard, long days, sun, warmth, new place.

The reasons to go were varied. Among the reasons were once in a lifetime chance, quit the job I have now that I don't really like, stop thinking about certain peoples and, of course, the warmth. The reasons NOT to go were Magda and everyone else I am going to miss. Vardag, fest och New Moon premiären.

Anyway. Tomorrow it's planning, making calls and Magda day. Day after that Halloween party. Then hungover day. Then next week I'm going to be in Stockholm and I'm longing so much for that.

My point with this entry was: you might have seconds to make a choice that will change your life for a long time ahead... Make the most of those seconds and go with your gut feeling. Make the choice for yourself, not for anyone else.

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

This too shall pass. So why make a big fuss about it?

That people can at times be stupid, that they'll do mistakes, and that getting upset because of it is like getting upset because the wind blows, or the sun shines.

another neat insight is the one that people are far from magical creatures
you will rarely find a person who is endlessly compassionate, or endlessly cold -- lest they be a psychopath

people will keep try to impose their beliefs on you, people will try to make you adapt to their codex of thought and behavior, people will expect things of you, people will get angry when you fail to live up to their expectations and people will fail to live up to your expectations too and you will get angry when they do, and you will get sad too, and you will be disappointed and so it repeats repeats repeats repeats, until you see through it

treat your feelings like the wind in your face or sunshine.

Undisclosed Desires - Muse
I know you've suffered,
But I don't want you to hide,
It's cold and loveless,
I won't let you be denied

Soothing,
I'll make you feel pure,
Trust me,
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers,
That you're wicked and divine,
You may be a sinner,
But your innocence is mine

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Trust me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Manodepressiv inspiration & singelsjuka

Okej. En gång för alla: Jag tror jag är manodepressiv. Ena dagen på botten av the existence, gråter mig själv till söms; andra dagen on top of the world med massa energi, inspiration och idéer. Men oavsett om jag är hög (inte på det sättet) eller låg, så vet jag att jag alltid har ett annat ansikte utåt än mitt sanna. Some might think I’m that bubbly, so-tough, so-cute, sex-maniac person round the clock. Nope. Those things are part of my personality. Men jag är faktiskt inte så “utmanande”, galen och whatever-i-dont-give-a-damn som jag säger att jag är. I care. A lot. About everything. About people. But I say I don’t care. Because: It Amounts To Less Pain When You Don’t Have To Care So Much. And I say a lot of stupid things to make up a tough image. I don’t mean that, I just happen to talk a lot of bullshit. Det är i alla fall tur att det finns personer i mitt liv som ser igenom allt bullshit man håller på med och tar en för den man är, och tar bullshit för vad det är: trams. Så. Nu har jag sagt det. Vidare till inspirationen. När man scannar businesscards så hittar man många intressanta människor, företag och länkar. Exempel på inspiration jag fått på sistone är:

http://www.ugly-duckling.se/
http://www.bbs.hik.se/blistudent/site/MusicEventManagement180hp.htm
http://www.theduffyagency.com/services.htm

Inspiration till att utbilda mig inom PR, consulting, Eventmanagement, Musikproducent, Art Director, Graphic Designer etc. På Fredag blir det fest. På Lördag jobbar jag i garderob. Verkar ha blivit lite av en allt-i-allo där. Och fy fan vad läskigt det är att skriva på svenska. English is my cloak. Kan bara prata känslor på engelska. På svenska blir det verkligt och läskigt. Träffade A och disskuterade skolarbete. Sen gick det över till annat. Då kom jag och tänka på Singelsjukan. Vi som lider av den har inte riktigt någon klar bild av vad det innebär att vara i ett förhållande. Som A sa när vi funderade på hur man egentligen blev ihop med någon och hur det går sedan: ”ringer man varandra och frågar ’hej ska vi träffas och hålla handen idag?’” Annars har jag tänkt väldigt mycket på G&Z this week. Surprise. Nej.

Veckans plus: Pasta på George's på lunchen
Veckans minus: deppighet
Veckans spontanitet: Ponyo på bio med Magda
Veckans surprise: sms från en speciell person
Veckans Bästa: resa till Stockholm bokad 4-8 November

Ja det är ju bara Torsdag, det kan alltid hända mer...

Don't say Rest In Peace

You've got blood on your hands
And I know it's mine
I just need more time
So get off your low and let's dance like we used to
But there's a light in the distance
Waiting for me, I will wait for you
So get off your low and let's kiss like we used to

(White Lies)

Awesome band. And though my life is a little fucked up right now, I drift away on my gray clouds. Listening to music which takes me to places where I imagine I don't exist anymore. No do's and don'ts and musts. No offenses, no faces long gone, no smiles and no tears. No acquaintances, no friends, no people, no places. No memories. No long dark future without purpose or goal. It's just a dark ceiling with moving lights and tears on cheeks running down clogging up the ears. And I knew this would happen and I know it will happen again. This is a story about a girl who really existed but didn't want to exist. I picture my own grave. It's the people around it that I don't want to hurt. Me, no problem hurting that part. And I know it'll pass and I know I might be ok. I hate being selfish, I'm afraid of being selfish. And sometimes I am really selfish. And keeping this blog is selfish. No one feels better from these words, no one but me. When everybody's dancing, I don't want to... And as Lex pointed out - it's a pointless blog where I keep degrading myself. Today I loved the sunlight. I loved the morning coffee, the autumn leaves and the chicken I ate when I came home from work. It tasted especiallly nice since I was starving. Why is it that every autumn I feel like I'm running on empty. From October to March I'm a dustbin filled to the brim with melancholy waste. I apologise to everyone who might be affected by this. But what do I know, that might just as well be egocentric thinking, that I can affect anyone. Society is harsh, a collection of trophies, and I don't make the shelf. I don't fit the cut. So let me just live outside it and waste away. Probably in poverty, if I don't manage to SELL. It's all about the selling. Sell your soul and sell your body, sell your ideas and sell your self-image. All to earn money. Now be a good girl and do what you're told... Never pretend for me.

Maybe Forever Naive

My whole body aches. And I'm in desperate need of a shower. And I fell for the dirty tricks again. As carelessly and irrevocably as all the other times. But who can resist. We all have our vices, mine are smoking and gorgeous eyes. No Lex, not smoking gorgeous eyes. Smoking eyes would be so totally wrong. Even for us freaks. Speaking of Lex, I really want to see him next week. And maybe Justin again, if he will be so courteous as to allow me to stand by his side. Tonight it's Friday at TGI (ha ha) with Mags and L.

Anyway. I wish I was good with people, I have always wished that. That I could just be naturally myself, whatever that is, and be someone almost everyone likes. A likeable person. A person who by just coming into a room make people smile (in a good way). A person who takes up space (figuratively speaking) without being awkward about it. Like whatever I did would seem like such a natural and obvious thing. Like putting my head on someone's shoulder while sitting next to them. No, not think about that decision for a million years until the opportunity slips away, but just grasp the moment and put my head on that cozy shoulder as soon as the thought pops into my head because that is just a natural cause of action. Not feel awkward and wrong and think that every word out of my mouth is stupid. Not be tense as a bow and thus scale down on extravaganza and slowly become more and more boring. Yes, I wish I could read people. To see what they are after, what they expect and what they want. Sometimes I even wish I could read thoughts, however horrible the secrets you might find out about are. If I could read thoughts, would I fool myself to think foolish things and thus do foolish things that maybe I shouldn't do?

This week has felt like two weeks, and it's about to get longer. I got the job. But I don't want it. I hope I don't have to work next Friday, cause it's Korridorsfest, and I'm really looking forward to that. And I don't really know what I am feeling anymore. Let's settle for Extremely Confused.

Sedan dör man av välbehag

Sånt jävla snedslag helgen var. Fyfan vad jag ångrar att jag åkte ut till skogen. Jag missade en najs utgång, lägenheten var tom så potentiella för- och efterfester missades ju såklart också. Dessutom missade jag chansen att sexa upp en het kille, vi hade ju kunnat hålla på hela natten eftersom lägenheten var tom (som sagt). Jag kunde också avklarat lite shopping och varit mindre stressad nu när en helvetisk vecka har börjat. Nej, istället sitter man där i ett regnigt Blekinge, på gränsen till Småland, med en pappa som klagar på att man röker, och en A som inte gör situationen bättre. Maten var såklart utmärkt, som alltid: spare ribs, Texas-burgers, traditional English breakfast etc. Gourmet-familjen in their prime. Missförstå mig rätt, jag älskar min familj, men just nu vill jag ha ett eget ställe so bad att det är fysisk smärta. Egen lägenhet. Hur mycket fest, utgång, rökande och sex man vill. Som tur var fick underbara Molina mig på bättre humör, med allt prat om Paris och att vi kanske ska dela lägenhet nästa sommar. Ja tack. On other notes, my Justin is back in my life. Let's see how long that lasts. I give it a week, and then he'll be gone again. Provjobba imorgon, är så nervös att hela jag skakar. Fast det kanske bara är koffein-överdos och nicotin-abstinens. Vi får se hur det går. Men helgen vill jag väldigt gärna ha ledig till att träffa folk. Är på ett förjävligt humör just nu - vill gråta, skratta, skrika, tiga - allt på samma gång. It's tearing me apart and now that everything is happening at once I just want everything to stop. No, I don't really want that. But a long, undisturbed sleep would be incredibly nice.... Och jag har ett nytt mål i livet, provided by the aawesomely wonderful Lavendelpojken Ludde: Att Dö Av Välbehag. Yay.

Learning to Fall

Yes. That's exactly what I have to learn. To fall for someone...

I feel so grown up working at an office! It's like... amazing! I love it, even if the work I do is kinda repetitive right now. And I love Magda. She makes every day brighter. Had a movienight tonight, after work. McDonalds, kindereggs, candy, Ben&Jerrys... Then we watched Bolt and Bruno. Bolt is a funny movie. Cute. But Bruno was just sick. We were in such a state of shock we almost had to puke. We went for a walk to calm down. Now in retrospective, it wasn't all that bad. I mean, it was a good movie, in the sense that it can procure really strong reactions, and some parts were hilarious. We had to watch the Hills after just to get other pictures in our heads. Like replace the images of aggressive gay porn with images of Lauren, Heidi and Audrina.

Now I've packed my bags to go out into the woods. It's gonna be nice. Pick mushrooms, autumn walks, hot chocolate, just relaxing. Play cards and other board games, cook amazing dinners on all the mushrooms we're gonna find... And read. I'm not gonna think about the week after that when I have to provjobba, cause that will just make me really nervous. This weekend is in the sign of relaxing. And thinking. And be at peace. It's all sort of coming together now. I hope. Even if I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart... I got a closet filled up to the brim with the ghosts of my past and the skeletons... Now I'm running and screaming...

Work tomorrow

I'm so glad drama is out of my life. Watching The Hills, which is kinda brain dead, you just feel so grateful that all that "highschool" stuff is behind you. Lauren pisses me off. It pisses me off that people are too judgmental, petty and arrogant to not give second chances, work things out and be chill and have a good time instead of running around with the “I'm-not-talking-to-that-bitch” attitude.

With that said, I am really nervous to start working tomorrow. I really wonder how it will be. I need my dad to come home so he can give me a briefing or something. Oh, and the weekend was so much fun. Thursday was beers with a cute guy and being devious. Friday was watching tv with Mirre, being hungover, blissfull, and eating pizza. Saturday was singstar with the rest of the lil sisters. And Sunday was crazyness (as usual) at Magda's place with some fun people. Getting drunk from cheap wine, biting contests and discussing boys&girls and relationships. Watching Twilight drunk was definitely an experience... Oh oh and I got another job offer. In a bar! Will go there next week to try out. It will be evenings and weekends, so now I'll get to see what working two jobs will do to you...

Delight and Angers

Everyday takes figuring out how to live, Sometimes it feels like a mistake, Sometimes its a winners parade, Delight and angers, I guess thats the way its supposed to be... Please heal me, I cant sleep Thought I was unbreakable,but this is killing me Call me, everything Make me feel unbreakable, lie and set me free

(In Flames)

Feels like I should write something now that it is a new month. Well, I have work for a month now at least, which roxorz boxorz. Love that. And I'm hoping to get work after as well. If things go as I have planned. I can't say I'm bored, various crazy upptåg keep me satiated. Like helium balloons. And vampires. Dead to the world. And music and movies and good food and good company. Still, when you get an email from the hole in your heart you start thinking about what you are really missing and if what you're doing is very wise. Is it, isn't it, is it? Flickan som lekte med elden... Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why am I a tease? Why and why and why... And the world keeps turning. Relentlessly. And watching the world, the people in it, live their own lives like they forgot all about you, or like they didn't know you from the beginning. Maybe everyone is just too busy. And busy people don't have time for un-busy people. Nonetheless, I am here if they feel like keeping in touch. And I'll probably always be.