I don´t need no money, mommy
I don´t have a lover, brother
I keep away from the Juppies pappi
Whow, it moves me without a touch
People say that I think too much
But I´m as happy as I can be
I´m a dreamer and I dream of what will be
A better destiny
I don´t look back I look beyond
I´m just a struggling vagabond
But I get by well on my own
People think that I drink too much
But I´m as happy as I can be
So I´m a dreamer and I dream of what will be
A better world for you and me
12.30.2010
12.21.2010
Not like the others
"Jag kommer aldrig att bli slav under andra människors föreställningar om mig. Jag är inte skyldig dem någonting."
They don't know that I'm not like the others.
having trouble telling
how i feel
but i can dance, dance, dance
couldn't possibly tell you
how i mean
but i can dance, dance, dance
(Lykke Li)
She sings the music that is inside of me.
"Narcissim och hatkärleken som kan uppstå i förhållandet med ens egen självbild."
They don't know that I'm not like the others.
having trouble telling
how i feel
but i can dance, dance, dance
couldn't possibly tell you
how i mean
but i can dance, dance, dance
(Lykke Li)
She sings the music that is inside of me.
"Narcissim och hatkärleken som kan uppstå i förhållandet med ens egen självbild."
12.20.2010
Remember Me
You can love someone and not want to spend time with them. Personally, I don't get that. And I reckon I'm done.
I don't see the point in waiting. What if I die while waiting. Aneurysm burst or something.
Everything you do in life is insignificant, but it's important you do it.
If one has no affection for a person or a system, one should feel free to give the fullest expression to his disaffection so long as he does not contemplate, promote, or incite violence. (Gandhi)
Not going to play by the rules anymore. What is wrong with me.
I don't see the point in waiting. What if I die while waiting. Aneurysm burst or something.
Everything you do in life is insignificant, but it's important you do it.
If one has no affection for a person or a system, one should feel free to give the fullest expression to his disaffection so long as he does not contemplate, promote, or incite violence. (Gandhi)
Not going to play by the rules anymore. What is wrong with me.
12.16.2010
Corrupt, alcoholized, overfed, sometimes charming, ego-maniacs
School, work, Magda, pubquiz (awesome!). Sleep, Malmö, driving lesson, call from Tenerife. That call made my day! Zarah, julklappar, and now waiting for Miriam to come here. Friday - get drunk. Saturday - dinner in Copenhagen. Sunday - dinner with Maria.
"The mechanism was not the big bang of war, but the whimper of demoralized elites who after lashing out violently become corrupt, alcoholized, overfed, sometimes charming, ego-maniacs."
"If the public knew what goes on behind closed door, like supporting an attack on Iraq in return for having somebody inscribed on the US list of terrorist organization, the opposition would increase."
"The mechanism was not the big bang of war, but the whimper of demoralized elites who after lashing out violently become corrupt, alcoholized, overfed, sometimes charming, ego-maniacs."
"If the public knew what goes on behind closed door, like supporting an attack on Iraq in return for having somebody inscribed on the US list of terrorist organization, the opposition would increase."
12.13.2010
Darwin's Nightmare
What do people live for? I certainly don’t have any idea what the point is; go to school, get educated, get a job and earn money so an apartment/house can be paid, "I'm a citizen of the world, I pay rent" etc. This endless churning. Time to spit it out? Something new. History - everything moves on, but why does it? I want to know the ending. Or maybe I don't. It's the ride that is to be enjoyed some say. We live in exciting times. Economic crises - the worst since the 1930's - a historical benchmark. The world might change, like in the 30's. Or it might not. All we know is that we move on. To what, who knows. For what purpose, no one cares.
12.12.2010
Wikileaks
Are you a spectator of society or are you a participator? Will you just stand by while atrocities are committed, or will you do something about it?
12.06.2010
A melancholy accident
Thoreau has some reasonably good points; although most parts of the book are dull as shit.
"Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion" - Well indeed it is, although it is often forgotten.
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation" - And too bad that no one will attempt what Thoureau or that guy from Into the Wild did. Just forsake society in order to really live.
"This spending of the best part of one's life earning money in order to enjoy a questionable liberty during the least valuable part of it" - Makes no sense, yet we hunt for money.
Only at page 28, I am sure I will come up with more. "An education" was a reasonably good movie. Better than Prince of Persia, Robin Hood and Young Victoria. What else did I watch, hmm, Wuthering Heights with Ralph Fiennes and the entire Underworld series (again). And I am sure I am forgetting something.
12.05.2010
The Rest is Silence
She would give anything to be a normal person. Someone who didn’t feel every second like an hour, someone who actually understood what people said, what they meant, what they wanted. She didn’t get other people, like normal people got each other. For some time now, she had been aware of the abnormality of her mind. When other, normal, people lived their days like nothing was amiss, she felt every second like the stab of a knife, her mind rushing away like a high velocity train. Everything had to happen at once; only it didn’t. It took so long time that she was tired of it already before it had come to pass. Was it possible that she lived in some pocket of time where time passed differently? Could that be an explanation for her complete inability to interact with other human beings who lived according to how most normal people perceived time? Maybe she was just desperate for an explanation.
12.03.2010
DN: Betyder det något alls?
En läsare frågade om hans tankar kring möjligheterna att återvända till sitt hemland Australien. Assange sade att han saknar sitt hemland, men att han inte tror sig kunna återvända dit på grund av samarbeten mellan Australien och USA:
"Det lyfter frågan vad det betyder att vara medborgare, betyder det något alls?"
12.02.2010
The Host
Trots fördomar var det en helt ok bok. Read it in one sitting so that should speak for something. It's an interesting concept; that the other voice in your head might be an alien. An alien, called soul could occupy your body, control your body while you had to watch from the inside. See, your own mind would be trapped inside its mind. If you were a fighter that is, someone who wouldn't give up your body and let your mind fade. Someone ready to fight for what we take for granted.
11.29.2010
2012
The snow is nice. It wraps everything up into a silent world.
is easy-going. It just is, happily accepting.
inspires awe, in its unrelenting ice cold breath.
is unforgiving, it tests you to your physical limits.
The silent awe-inspiring snow forces you to think.
There is great satisfaction in finishing a paper, go out into the snow with your sisters, and fool around until you're too exhausted to move anymore. Go inside, dinners ready, then movie and popcorn.
11.23.2010
Autistic.
I just wish that some day, someone will stand up and fight for me.
Someday, there will be someone that doesn't give up on me half-way and just leave it all to the winds.
People don't get that when I push them away, that's when I need them the most, that's when I need them to fight for me. It's like some stupid test, to see if they want to be with me enough to fight for it.
Fuck it. I'm just autistic with minimal social skills. I've said it all along. It's just that I've gotten good at faking to be normal. Lately, not so good. It's like I'm still 16, needing to be loved so much that I'll do anything. Not being able to just be with myself. There's no use, just crawl back into the bed you came from.
11.22.2010
It's what you do that defines you
"Deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you."
Henri Ducard: Your compassion is a weakness your enemies will not share.
Bruce Wayne: That's why it's so important. It separates us from them.
Alfred Pennyworth: Why do we fall sir? So we might learn to pick ourselves up
Bruce Wayne: You still haven't given up on me?
Alfred Pennyworth: Never.
Rachel Dawes: What chance does Gotham have when the good people do nothing?
Henri Ducard: Your compassion is a weakness your enemies will not share.
Bruce Wayne: That's why it's so important. It separates us from them.
Alfred Pennyworth: Why do we fall sir? So we might learn to pick ourselves up
Bruce Wayne: You still haven't given up on me?
Alfred Pennyworth: Never.
Rachel Dawes: What chance does Gotham have when the good people do nothing?
11.11.2010
Vilsen på djupet
Fått en flaska I huvet, legat sövd på akuten.
Varit död i minuter, hela själen var bruten.
Blivit jagad av snuten, varit vilsen på djupet.
Jag har famlat i mörker, men i dig såg jag ljuset.
Och för dig har jag låtsas, och dolt mina tårar.
Med dig blir jag mindre, som gubben I lådan.
Jag vägrar att inse [...]
(Gubben i lådan)
Jag har gått för långt, kan inte sluta gå
Hjärtat sitter utanpå, slår inte som det brukar slå
I ett ensamt rum, en sekund blir tusen år
För ljus att nå. Så djupa sår
Sjunker lite lägre för varenda gång jag vänder om
Men jag vänder om, än en gång
Orden fastnar halvvägs, jag vet inte hur jag bär mig åt
Samma gamla visa, men vet inte vad det är för låt
(Förlåt att jag aldrig sagt förlåt)
Varit död i minuter, hela själen var bruten.
Blivit jagad av snuten, varit vilsen på djupet.
Jag har famlat i mörker, men i dig såg jag ljuset.
Och för dig har jag låtsas, och dolt mina tårar.
Med dig blir jag mindre, som gubben I lådan.
Jag vägrar att inse [...]
(Gubben i lådan)
Jag har gått för långt, kan inte sluta gå
Hjärtat sitter utanpå, slår inte som det brukar slå
I ett ensamt rum, en sekund blir tusen år
För ljus att nå. Så djupa sår
Sjunker lite lägre för varenda gång jag vänder om
Men jag vänder om, än en gång
Orden fastnar halvvägs, jag vet inte hur jag bär mig åt
Samma gamla visa, men vet inte vad det är för låt
(Förlåt att jag aldrig sagt förlåt)
11.03.2010
Here goes
I am not used to feeling this possessive. Or maybe possessive is the wrong word. Rather, needing confirmation of want and mutual feeling. Pushing it away might make the bird take flight, pulling it closer is also an invitation to escape. And neither seems to work; while the first can create mutual distrust, the second might annoy to a point of idiocy. It is known to have happened before. Maybe I am simply not used to this.
Also, I am known to be quite thoughtless, and will say or do whatever takes my fancy, which can bring normally placid people to the boil. Is content to lie around and easily bored too conflicting?
Also, I am known to be quite thoughtless, and will say or do whatever takes my fancy, which can bring normally placid people to the boil. Is content to lie around and easily bored too conflicting?
10.22.2010
Na na na na na
I'll take what I want from your heart
and keep it in a bag in a box on the floor with an X,
Make no apology
this is way to fun to me
I'm not your authority
Crash and burn,
We're young and loaded,
Drop like a bullet shell,
just like a sleeper cell,
I'd rather go to hell than be in a purgatory,
cut my hair
gag and bore me.
pull this pin,
and let this world explode
and keep it in a bag in a box on the floor with an X,
Make no apology
this is way to fun to me
I'm not your authority
Crash and burn,
We're young and loaded,
Drop like a bullet shell,
just like a sleeper cell,
I'd rather go to hell than be in a purgatory,
cut my hair
gag and bore me.
pull this pin,
and let this world explode
10.19.2010
Rabbit Heart
Sitting in the bath tub, warm as hell. Had smoked one and the second was on the way. Just talking nonsense and feeling the water. Eating an apple in a warm bath is something special. Playing cards while stoned is even more so. Laughing and then in the next moment listening and then asleep. A golden moment.
10.17.2010
Eyes on fire
Seek you out. Flay you alive. One more word and you wont survive.
King of my own mind. Or am I? Det händer saker hela tiden och jag vet inte vad jag ska tro.
He talked. And I like it. We will see what happens.
King of my own mind. Or am I? Det händer saker hela tiden och jag vet inte vad jag ska tro.
He talked. And I like it. We will see what happens.
10.14.2010
Fucking Effy
Jag tror svenskar är för hårda mot sig själva. Generellt sett alltså. Vart man än vänder sig hör man svenskar säga: ”Svenskar är för jävla tråkiga”. Hur kommer det sig att vi ser oss själva som så jävla tråkiga? Generellt sett är svenskar ganska reserverade och blyga, mest för att vi inte vill göra bort oss. Lagom är ledordet som förgör varenda uns av personlighet. Man får gärna vara galen, men bara lagom så, annars kan det ju bli rätt jobbigt. Det är tråkigt att vara lagom. Och det är pinsamt att svenskar på semester bara blir roliga efter ett par drinkar. Så därför tycker jag att folk ska vara mer galna, bara man inte skadar sig själv, någon annan, eller någons property. För det är ju inte så trevligt. Jag måste verkligen försöka vara mer galen och inte så jävla commonplace. Ska försöka step it up och vara lite mer crazy. För jag vill inte vara en av dem som går runt och tycker att vi svenskar är för jävla tråkiga. Effy i Skins ger inspirationen. Rockstjärnebiografier ger stilen.
10.11.2010
Om jag kunde drömma
Just idag klarar jag inte av mig själv. Allt känns bara dåligt. Ångest över de inbokade körlektionerna, så visst, veckan är planerad, men jag borde verkligen give more effort när det kommer till körningen. Jag borde anstränga mig mer, engagera mig, ta tag i teorin. Sen intalar jag mig själv att jag inte har tid till det, för mycket att plugga. Ja men hur mycket pluggar jag egentligen. Inte alls särskilt mycket. Imorgon ska jag ivarjefall jobba, vilket kommer bli en så jävla skön omväxling. Just nu vill jag faktiskt bara jobba och jobba och jobba. Visst är det jättekul att läsa ibland, men jag har verkligen blivit säsongsbiten. Every waking moment tänker jag på Teneriffa och hur jag bara vill tillbaka till en så mycket enklare tillvaro. Så mycket enklare, utan alla krav, och så mycket mer tillfredsställande. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Så för att summera mår man inte så bra idag trots det strålande fina vädret. Borde träna också, ett annat krav som bara hoppar på en sådär. Ligger här och ingenting blir gjort istället. Nu borde jag diska, och sen ska jag läsa Jane Austen och försöka glömma att jag lever. Det finns så mycket som gnager i ens huvud. Och pengarna bara rullar iväg när man har kul. Nej, Teneriffa, jag åker helst tillbaka.
10.04.2010
Plus lite Jane Austen
"Hon kommer väl från den tiden när flickorna inte egentligen inte ville ligga utan gick med på det för att vara snälla mot pojkarna."
"Det blev lite oengagerat tafsande sen somnade vi."
"Jag tycker det är jobbigt att bli uppraggad men hur kul som helst att ragga. Jag tror att jag är rädd för att någon ska vilja för mycket och att jag helt plötsligt ska vakna upp i ett förhållande. Eller att jag ska behöva leverera en smärtsam sanning till någon. Jag undviker helst levererandet av såna."
Från boken: "Engångsligg" av Josefin Palmgren som förövrigt är hur underhållande som helst.
"Kamp och strid är livets lag. Människan är en kämpande varelse. Endast under ständig tävlan med andra människor och daglig kamp mot våra svagheter kunna vi fortsätta att leva. Varje normal människa älskar denna strid."
Från boken: kommer fan inte ihåg vad den heter men författaren heter Reuterswärdh eller nåt sånt och var en kille som var barn under andra världskriget, gick på Lundsberg och revolterade mot sina adliga familj.
"Det blev lite oengagerat tafsande sen somnade vi."
"Jag tycker det är jobbigt att bli uppraggad men hur kul som helst att ragga. Jag tror att jag är rädd för att någon ska vilja för mycket och att jag helt plötsligt ska vakna upp i ett förhållande. Eller att jag ska behöva leverera en smärtsam sanning till någon. Jag undviker helst levererandet av såna."
Från boken: "Engångsligg" av Josefin Palmgren som förövrigt är hur underhållande som helst.
"Kamp och strid är livets lag. Människan är en kämpande varelse. Endast under ständig tävlan med andra människor och daglig kamp mot våra svagheter kunna vi fortsätta att leva. Varje normal människa älskar denna strid."
Från boken: kommer fan inte ihåg vad den heter men författaren heter Reuterswärdh eller nåt sånt och var en kille som var barn under andra världskriget, gick på Lundsberg och revolterade mot sina adliga familj.
10.01.2010
Light me up
Feeling rebellious. That’s the time for listening to The Runaways, put on the leather belt and white dress jacket, and smoke through the window although that’s not allowed.
Make me wanna die. Don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation. That's what I love about you, you don't care the same way other people do and you're just as fucking crazy as I am. Discussed what our relationship was with S, and I realized I'm actually missing you. We need to get drunk together again and have violent drunk sex just because. But before that, we'll start a fucking riot in town, being drunk only like we can. This is starting to sound like a declaration of love or stupid song lyrics, but I have a feeling you'll end up with a place in my heart.
Make me wanna die. Don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation. That's what I love about you, you don't care the same way other people do and you're just as fucking crazy as I am. Discussed what our relationship was with S, and I realized I'm actually missing you. We need to get drunk together again and have violent drunk sex just because. But before that, we'll start a fucking riot in town, being drunk only like we can. This is starting to sound like a declaration of love or stupid song lyrics, but I have a feeling you'll end up with a place in my heart.
9.22.2010
Bar Crawl
"Heja Eslöv! (Nej jag är inte från Eslöv, det är från en film. En legendarisk replik. Kan ni inte den borde ni bli förbjudna att ens yttra er över huvud taget)."
Europeiska stater kommer med stor sannolikhet att klara sina omfattande finansieringsbehov på kort sikt, även om det i vissa fall sker till priset av en mycket hög ränta.
Ta med giraffen så går vi på tonga tonga!
AAAh confusion. Bar crawl tomorrow might bring more light. Or?
Europeiska stater kommer med stor sannolikhet att klara sina omfattande finansieringsbehov på kort sikt, även om det i vissa fall sker till priset av en mycket hög ränta.
Ta med giraffen så går vi på tonga tonga!
AAAh confusion. Bar crawl tomorrow might bring more light. Or?
9.20.2010
Things on my mind
‘‘fight, them, beat, them, and make them democratic’’
Our creation too has been perverted.
"Det är ju helt jävla sinnessjukt att du inte fattar handlingen i "lilla sjöjungfrun"... du måste vara helt efterbliven"
SD: "Jag tror att vi denna gången lokalt lyckades attrahera även kvinnliga väljare. Det har vi alltid haft svårt för. Man kan bli deprimerad när man funderar över orsakerna till detta dystra faktum."
and the alleged authoritarian character of Islamic and especially Arab culture (Fish 2002).
whether, and if so when,regime change in a sovereign state should be engineered by force.
For many Latin American governments the greatest military threat has been from within rather than from neighbouring states.
Areas of the world where IGOs are few and weak are likely to lag in democracy without new and stronger organizations.
Do I like him or not?
Our creation too has been perverted.
"Det är ju helt jävla sinnessjukt att du inte fattar handlingen i "lilla sjöjungfrun"... du måste vara helt efterbliven"
SD: "Jag tror att vi denna gången lokalt lyckades attrahera även kvinnliga väljare. Det har vi alltid haft svårt för. Man kan bli deprimerad när man funderar över orsakerna till detta dystra faktum."
and the alleged authoritarian character of Islamic and especially Arab culture (Fish 2002).
whether, and if so when,regime change in a sovereign state should be engineered by force.
For many Latin American governments the greatest military threat has been from within rather than from neighbouring states.
Areas of the world where IGOs are few and weak are likely to lag in democracy without new and stronger organizations.
Do I like him or not?
9.18.2010
Snurrar i min skalle
White russian i kaffemaskinen. T9 inställt på turkiska. Man utanför EH i Lund som sätter fingret i fontänen så att det sprutar vatten på EH's dörr. Helt random. Viggo's diskussioner om sjuka fylleminnen. Rödvinskonversation om politik i fin lägenhet. Det snurrar i min skalle på balkongen. Köpa cigg, nån bonne frågar efter pall mall [skånskt uttal]. Hem till familjen Lindskog, i bilen pratas det om kåthet och sex och pojkvänner. Hur är man trogen egentligen? Kall pizza, musik, och några lådor vin. Sen sätts musiken på och då börjar mayhem i form av GAS GAS GAS GAS GAS!!!! allo allo allo... Malin och Victoria jagar runt varandra med soffkuddar, ligger på golvet, springer med höga knän, allt i en slags komisk stumfilmsparodi. Cigg på verandan, diskussioner om aggressivt sex och snygga killar. Sen, aningen packade, bär det av till Spisen. kommer fram, inser att jag har glömt leg hemma, drar med J i taxi för att hämta leg, sitter tydligen och sjunger högljutt i taxin. kommer tillbaka, in på spisen, "Jag är törstig. Jag vill ha öl" Fylleargument om att man ska ta drickan ifrån mig om jag beställer mer, men att man ska låta mig dricka om jag är törstig. Degus eller vad han hette anländer, han är kung. hans syrra va också där men jag kommer inte ihåg vad hon hette. fyllan eskalerar, några luckor där tills vi går på efterfest hos degus eller diego eller va han hette. vitt vin i soffan, cigg inomhus, konstig musik, lite hångel, sen dök en joint up. då ville magda gå hem, så då gjorde vi det. det var nog ganska bra. var hemma 5 kanske. lagom.
dagen efter är bland det roligaste jag varit med om. vaknar full som en sjökapten och börjar direkt fula mig och få magda till tårar. "Man vet att man haft en bra fylla när man..."
- inte kan öppna en dörr, eller stänga den, dagen efter.
- häller isvatten mellan sina bröst, helt oavsiktligt.
- snubblar på kattmat.
- pratar om kameltår och white russians.
- hittar vinglas på lite olika ställen, typ bredvid toastolen.
- somnar på ett lakan fullt med rödvin.
- enda sättet att få någon att dricka bakispiller är att säga "SKÅL!"
dagen efter är bland det roligaste jag varit med om. vaknar full som en sjökapten och börjar direkt fula mig och få magda till tårar. "Man vet att man haft en bra fylla när man..."
- inte kan öppna en dörr, eller stänga den, dagen efter.
- häller isvatten mellan sina bröst, helt oavsiktligt.
- snubblar på kattmat.
- pratar om kameltår och white russians.
- hittar vinglas på lite olika ställen, typ bredvid toastolen.
- somnar på ett lakan fullt med rödvin.
- enda sättet att få någon att dricka bakispiller är att säga "SKÅL!"
9.16.2010
A pocket full of rye
Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
(Beautiful, Eminem)
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
(Beautiful, Eminem)
9.14.2010
Beyond hell, above heaven
"...surely you and everybody have a notion that there is, or should be, an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and, if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I should not seem part of it" (Ch. ix, p. 64).
Just finished reading Wuthering Heights. Earth shattering love in all honor, but what good did it do? And wherein lies the blame, which wretched character was responsible for the abstinence of love and the prevailing of misery?
The only warmth that fills my heart is the warm tea that I keep drinking at night.
Just finished reading Wuthering Heights. Earth shattering love in all honor, but what good did it do? And wherein lies the blame, which wretched character was responsible for the abstinence of love and the prevailing of misery?
The only warmth that fills my heart is the warm tea that I keep drinking at night.
9.12.2010
Kiss the way we were goodbye
All you pretty people stand there
Blood under your nails,
Doing nothing, saying something
Never seems to fail
But our guards are down, defenseless
And our walls have cracked
So my heart is beating faster
Than a heart attack
Kiss the way we were goodbye
Goodbye and farewell
First we live but then we die,
Goodbye, goodbye...
So they whisper secrets to you
That I know you hear
All the thoughts that rush inside you,
Never seemed so clear
You should write a book about it
You should start a war
You should tear your eyes out of you
As they look for more
Kiss the way we were goodbye
Goodbye and farewell
First we live but then we die,
We die, oh, ooh...
Pretty people standing by
We play, we pretend
And we try and act surprised
As we watch the world end...
All you pretty people look at me
All you pretty people stare at me
But our guards are down, defenceless
And our walls have cracked
So my heart is beating faster
Than a heart attack...
Heart attack...(x3)
Kiss the way we were goodbye
Goodbye and farewell
First we live but then we die,
We die, oh, ooh...
Pretty people standing by
We play, we pretend
And we try and act surprised
As we watch the world end...
Kiss the way we were goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye...(x3)
Kiss the way we were goodbye,
As we watch the world die...
(Low VS Diamond)
Blood under your nails,
Doing nothing, saying something
Never seems to fail
But our guards are down, defenseless
And our walls have cracked
So my heart is beating faster
Than a heart attack
Kiss the way we were goodbye
Goodbye and farewell
First we live but then we die,
Goodbye, goodbye...
So they whisper secrets to you
That I know you hear
All the thoughts that rush inside you,
Never seemed so clear
You should write a book about it
You should start a war
You should tear your eyes out of you
As they look for more
Kiss the way we were goodbye
Goodbye and farewell
First we live but then we die,
We die, oh, ooh...
Pretty people standing by
We play, we pretend
And we try and act surprised
As we watch the world end...
All you pretty people look at me
All you pretty people stare at me
But our guards are down, defenceless
And our walls have cracked
So my heart is beating faster
Than a heart attack...
Heart attack...(x3)
Kiss the way we were goodbye
Goodbye and farewell
First we live but then we die,
We die, oh, ooh...
Pretty people standing by
We play, we pretend
And we try and act surprised
As we watch the world end...
Kiss the way we were goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye...(x3)
Kiss the way we were goodbye,
As we watch the world die...
(Low VS Diamond)
9.08.2010
3 songs that saved my life
Heartbeats - José Gonzales
This song changed my life. And keeps on changing my life whenever I find my way back to it. Works in any aspect of your life. Gives as much comfort as pain. THE perfect song. And it has indeed saved me, time and time again.
Yellow Angels - Senses Fail
Listen to this when you are unbearably sad. When you miss someone so much it hurts. It will make you cry even harder, curl into a small bundle, make you float towards heaven and make you feel better. "I've said goodbye so many times in my life..."
Running up that hill - Placebo
A weird cover, that I stumbled upon by accident, years after actually "discovering" Placebo (which is a band with some really awesome songs) while watching stupid FFX videos. It got linked with that whole tragic storyline and whooop I was completely lost to its magic. This song is me.
This song changed my life. And keeps on changing my life whenever I find my way back to it. Works in any aspect of your life. Gives as much comfort as pain. THE perfect song. And it has indeed saved me, time and time again.
Yellow Angels - Senses Fail
Listen to this when you are unbearably sad. When you miss someone so much it hurts. It will make you cry even harder, curl into a small bundle, make you float towards heaven and make you feel better. "I've said goodbye so many times in my life..."
Running up that hill - Placebo
A weird cover, that I stumbled upon by accident, years after actually "discovering" Placebo (which is a band with some really awesome songs) while watching stupid FFX videos. It got linked with that whole tragic storyline and whooop I was completely lost to its magic. This song is me.
9.06.2010
Ephemeral truths
remember that the past is a lie, that memory has no return, that every spring gone by can never be recovered, and that the wildest and most tenacious love is an ephemeral truth in the end
(gabriel garcía márquez)
The street lights shone with a light that I’ve only seen when under the influence of mushrooms with healing powers. A light that shines right through you and touches on something eternal; a light that is a balm for the restless soul, a light that tells you things that you won’t remember when you wake up from a vivid dream one morning and realize that your veins are not pulsating with a faint green light. I just wanted to love myself, and right then and there, I did. That was why I hoped it would last. Only time can tell if it will.
Humans have always had a complicated relationship with time. It’s like the story about the hen and the egg, the phoenix and the flame; what came first, human or time? Only one thing can be speculated about; time wasn’t measured before humans came along and wanted to put a name tag on everything. What happened to light and dark – now we lead our lives after a system of hours, minutes and seconds. And it can take only 1/1000 of a second to die. Maybe that is why the relationship is so complicated.
(emma aili junno)
(gabriel garcía márquez)
The street lights shone with a light that I’ve only seen when under the influence of mushrooms with healing powers. A light that shines right through you and touches on something eternal; a light that is a balm for the restless soul, a light that tells you things that you won’t remember when you wake up from a vivid dream one morning and realize that your veins are not pulsating with a faint green light. I just wanted to love myself, and right then and there, I did. That was why I hoped it would last. Only time can tell if it will.
Humans have always had a complicated relationship with time. It’s like the story about the hen and the egg, the phoenix and the flame; what came first, human or time? Only one thing can be speculated about; time wasn’t measured before humans came along and wanted to put a name tag on everything. What happened to light and dark – now we lead our lives after a system of hours, minutes and seconds. And it can take only 1/1000 of a second to die. Maybe that is why the relationship is so complicated.
(emma aili junno)
9.04.2010
Caspian & King Peter
Russel Brand. Ben Barnes.
The House Bunny. Deluxe Dubstep. Wuthering Heights.
It's always sunny in philadelphia. Edith Piaf.
A pocket full of Rye. One hundred years of solitude.
Menthol cigarettes as a way of socializing.
Woodrow Wilson's Fourteen Points. International liberalist.
Norman Angell - precursor to interdependence theorists.
Narnia's Prince Caspian. Gilmore Girls.
Grown Ups - gathering of humor elite.
Studying. Driving. Working out.
The House Bunny. Deluxe Dubstep. Wuthering Heights.
It's always sunny in philadelphia. Edith Piaf.
A pocket full of Rye. One hundred years of solitude.
Menthol cigarettes as a way of socializing.
Woodrow Wilson's Fourteen Points. International liberalist.
Norman Angell - precursor to interdependence theorists.
Narnia's Prince Caspian. Gilmore Girls.
Grown Ups - gathering of humor elite.
Studying. Driving. Working out.
9.02.2010
Dubstep & Hardstyle
Guy no1. I go to the gym so I can build up strength and beat the crap out of him when he tries some shit when he’s drunk. He’s always fighting when he’s drunk; he’s always confessing when he’s drunk. If he tries to fight and beat the crap out of me, I want to give back. Then he has no one but himself to blame. Also, I want to show him I can be fit and not just the slob that he’s always known me as. “She doesn’t eat.” “Well, it doesn’t show.” It annoys me that he doesn’t stay in touch – I have this need of hearing from him every now and then. I need to know he still sees something in me, because he was the first person who ever loved me, who would have done anything for me. I have this need to toy with him, which I had no idea of until I said it out loud. A bad person that might make me, but I love to drag him back and forth, play a game. But I love him, I really do.
Guy no2. I go to the gym so I can become fit like the girls he is always talking about. The ones with super fit bodies, tight as hell. I want to be tight as hell. Maybe I will never be, but this way, I’ll be tighter. It annoys me that he doesn’t stay in touch – did I really mean nothing to him? Or is it because I knew of his darkest secrets? Does he still think I have a crush on him? Strange way for me to show it, were that the case, by not talking to him at all. Mostly, I just feel angry at him. He’s a jerk, a fucking twat, if he fucking thinks I would want someone like him. I just want his friendship. But obviously, he’s too busy to give it. Egocentric wanker.
Mostly, I go to the gym for myself, for better confidence, to look fit while feeling like a million. I hope this will continue, even after I lose my PT Patsy Stone.
Guy no2. I go to the gym so I can become fit like the girls he is always talking about. The ones with super fit bodies, tight as hell. I want to be tight as hell. Maybe I will never be, but this way, I’ll be tighter. It annoys me that he doesn’t stay in touch – did I really mean nothing to him? Or is it because I knew of his darkest secrets? Does he still think I have a crush on him? Strange way for me to show it, were that the case, by not talking to him at all. Mostly, I just feel angry at him. He’s a jerk, a fucking twat, if he fucking thinks I would want someone like him. I just want his friendship. But obviously, he’s too busy to give it. Egocentric wanker.
Mostly, I go to the gym for myself, for better confidence, to look fit while feeling like a million. I hope this will continue, even after I lose my PT Patsy Stone.
8.30.2010
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Glassregn och Literary alchemy.
The way we change with a book. Interact and change, substances merging, becoming something else. HP.
Molina. Cider. Vi dansar.
Cashewnötter och träning. Keso. Patsy & Eddie.
Kaffe. Jobb. Gabriel García Marquez.
Soon school starts, new possibilities.
The way we change with a book. Interact and change, substances merging, becoming something else. HP.
Molina. Cider. Vi dansar.
Cashewnötter och träning. Keso. Patsy & Eddie.
Kaffe. Jobb. Gabriel García Marquez.
Soon school starts, new possibilities.
8.24.2010
I'm coming up only to hold you under
A million day funeral. Du om någon borde förstå att man inte gör såhär mot mig.
as high as I was yesteray, as low I am today.
yesterday: bright lights, tall, tight,
charming, daring, simply not caring
about the staring
dancing our way through the night
but the feeling wouldn't stay
with only a few simple words it all fell
and right now it feels like hell
what they don't understand is the theory behind it all
their stupid words make me feel so small
but no, they don't know, and they can't
the driving force, the pain, that keeps me going
it might be wrong, but it keeps my heart strong
to play them against each other
No I don't have no lover, brother
It takes more than one to please me
and that's all they see
the moving from one to another
they don't see that they could save me
by holding me tight and promise to stay
by three simple words, why is it so hard to say...
Maybe they don't see the distinction between reality and play
there is one side that is real, it was his
but no longer is,
but could be again
the play side is just for fun and never serious
to get hurt from play, well
only amateurs do.
Mig får du inte tillbaka.
Du om någon borde förstå att man inte gör såhär mot mig.
as high as I was yesteray, as low I am today.
yesterday: bright lights, tall, tight,
charming, daring, simply not caring
about the staring
dancing our way through the night
but the feeling wouldn't stay
with only a few simple words it all fell
and right now it feels like hell
what they don't understand is the theory behind it all
their stupid words make me feel so small
but no, they don't know, and they can't
the driving force, the pain, that keeps me going
it might be wrong, but it keeps my heart strong
to play them against each other
No I don't have no lover, brother
It takes more than one to please me
and that's all they see
the moving from one to another
they don't see that they could save me
by holding me tight and promise to stay
by three simple words, why is it so hard to say...
Maybe they don't see the distinction between reality and play
there is one side that is real, it was his
but no longer is,
but could be again
the play side is just for fun and never serious
to get hurt from play, well
only amateurs do.
Mig får du inte tillbaka.
Du om någon borde förstå att man inte gör såhär mot mig.
8.22.2010
Lät du henne komma närmre / Var hon vackrare än mig?
och jag ska aldrig mer säga sanningen
till nån som saknar förmåga att förstå
jag önskar att jag var en sån
som inte tänker alls
när du har hört vad jag har sagt
då är det du som går i solglasögon
och saknar nån du aldrig haft
(Melissa Horn)
till nån som saknar förmåga att förstå
jag önskar att jag var en sån
som inte tänker alls
när du har hört vad jag har sagt
då är det du som går i solglasögon
och saknar nån du aldrig haft
(Melissa Horn)
8.15.2010
Superhero Motivation
när livet går fort vill jag att det ska sakta ner.
vill bara sova, läsa, vila.
när det väl har saktat ner och jag har fått vila
blir jag rastlös, orkar inte vänta, gör dumma saker
I kickstart the fucking heart
får saker att rulla fortare och fortare igen
just nu är det ganska långsamt. har varit skötsam och ordnat kalender. ska börja jobba på riktigt på måndag och har börjat smygkika i kurslitteratur inför höstens International relations. Don't know how i feel about that, still not clear. Ny bikini som tippar vågen mot teneriffa. then again - i know i wouldn't stand it, not being "intellectual" for another 6 months.
Inception. Wonderful movie, long time ago since i got really blown away - this one did the trick. Men who stare at goats - not too captivating, interesting yes, funny at times. I saw Iron Man for the first time!!! Robert Downey Jr is such a man. saw Gamer. Gerard Butler is such a man. Why do these kinds of "MEN!" don't exist in real life? Or if they do, where the hell are they? I've been dating BOYS =( not satisfying at all. What else. Skräckfilm och åska - alltid en trevlig kombination. Thaimat och pizza - ja, jag ska börja träna snart. jag hoppas superhero motivationen håller i sig.
vill bara sova, läsa, vila.
när det väl har saktat ner och jag har fått vila
blir jag rastlös, orkar inte vänta, gör dumma saker
I kickstart the fucking heart
får saker att rulla fortare och fortare igen
just nu är det ganska långsamt. har varit skötsam och ordnat kalender. ska börja jobba på riktigt på måndag och har börjat smygkika i kurslitteratur inför höstens International relations. Don't know how i feel about that, still not clear. Ny bikini som tippar vågen mot teneriffa. then again - i know i wouldn't stand it, not being "intellectual" for another 6 months.
Inception. Wonderful movie, long time ago since i got really blown away - this one did the trick. Men who stare at goats - not too captivating, interesting yes, funny at times. I saw Iron Man for the first time!!! Robert Downey Jr is such a man. saw Gamer. Gerard Butler is such a man. Why do these kinds of "MEN!" don't exist in real life? Or if they do, where the hell are they? I've been dating BOYS =( not satisfying at all. What else. Skräckfilm och åska - alltid en trevlig kombination. Thaimat och pizza - ja, jag ska börja träna snart. jag hoppas superhero motivationen håller i sig.
8.10.2010
Fördjupande studier i katastroffysik
Garrett was in Sweden. For two and a half weeks or something like that. Those weeks, I have been drunk 90% of the time. Can't even remember clearly what has happened. Gothenburg and all that... After that time I got shitfaced in the park, I can't really recall what I have been doing. I think I was out clubbing twice the week after that sunday.
Then there was Beerfest. I wasn't drunk at Beerfest. I was drunk the day after. And did some other shit too. Shot race in the night, one of us crashed (not me actually), and I have a vague memory of watching Kick Ass. Which was a really good movie. The day after that I tried to leave the whole time - but ended up by a camp fire grilling big chunks of turkey. And smoking and drinking.
After that weekend my body was going to hell. It was a Tuesday. I felt so weak, lost, confused, torn to pieces. That was when I realized I had to get my shit together. So I read the best book I've read in a long while - Fördjupande studier i katastroffysik - really captivating; and stayed sober for... Was it four days? Maybe it was just three cause I recall drinking that friday, because I was slightly hungover at the wedding the day after...
Saturday I "worked" at a wedding, which included drinking. Didn't get drunk but watched adults getting more and more drunk, more and more loud, and more and more "embarrassing". Sunday I left for Garrett's place.
The last night. 1 hour of sleep. Packing. Not knowing what to say. Going up early, going in to Malmö to fix stuff. Was I going home? No I was following to the airport. Ok, made a stop at Superbrugsen: cider and Smirnoff Ice and hungover pills. Airport, check-in, lunch at Burger King, coffee at Starbucks. Time for goodbyes.
Didn't feel well at all, a pressure on my chest, sadness in my mind. Just wanted to never let go...
Almost started crying when I went back to the others. Tried to cheer up. Somehow we made a big detour to IKEA on the way back, which was fun, got my mind off things.
When I finally came home, I started cleaning. Then crashed. Then woke up still not feeling well. Got dressed, got ready, packed some booze and made for a förfest. Got drunk on "Never have I ever" - and we left for Båten. Danced, got some ciders, got raggade på while up in the lounge smoking, danced some more. When the place closed, most went home. Not me and Molina, we continued the dancing at Étage, one more hour. Got hit on. Danced and danced and danced. Heat, sweat, bodies moving like one.
On the way home we talked to some German guys and pretended to be British. We went on the swings for no reason at all, which was where we decided to do shrooms. Went inside and ate the stuff. After half an hour, everything was breathing: the walls, the couch, my blanket, the bookshelves... My hand was pulsating, I could see all the veins and the blood coursing through them. I was gently rocked from side to side by my chintz; kändes som att fåtöljen var en liten båt som gungade på vågorna. Everything was beautiful; colors and light enhanced. Just lay there snug in my blanket, watching everything move, breathe, shine, shift color, get distorted then turn back to normal. Then I moved into my room and everything went bad. Lying there in my bed, awefully tired, I felt trapped in my own body, I felt like I was under the ground, immersed in earth and green things, feeling the earth breathe in a rainforest like way. Jag var alledeles genomskinlig, men lyste med ett grönt ljus inifrån, och små gröna ådror snirklade sig över hela min pulserande kropp som låg precis under ytan, precis under gräset. My head was really tightly wired and prickling all the time. The leaves outside the window were amazing to watch, but apart from that, it was strange trying to not fall asleep but being so dead tired - I think what I felt then is what sleep paralyzis feels like. Trapped. It was an interesting perspective. I just wish I had done it outside in a green place, and when I was in a better mood. Would have been more awesome then.
Then there was Beerfest. I wasn't drunk at Beerfest. I was drunk the day after. And did some other shit too. Shot race in the night, one of us crashed (not me actually), and I have a vague memory of watching Kick Ass. Which was a really good movie. The day after that I tried to leave the whole time - but ended up by a camp fire grilling big chunks of turkey. And smoking and drinking.
After that weekend my body was going to hell. It was a Tuesday. I felt so weak, lost, confused, torn to pieces. That was when I realized I had to get my shit together. So I read the best book I've read in a long while - Fördjupande studier i katastroffysik - really captivating; and stayed sober for... Was it four days? Maybe it was just three cause I recall drinking that friday, because I was slightly hungover at the wedding the day after...
Saturday I "worked" at a wedding, which included drinking. Didn't get drunk but watched adults getting more and more drunk, more and more loud, and more and more "embarrassing". Sunday I left for Garrett's place.
The last night. 1 hour of sleep. Packing. Not knowing what to say. Going up early, going in to Malmö to fix stuff. Was I going home? No I was following to the airport. Ok, made a stop at Superbrugsen: cider and Smirnoff Ice and hungover pills. Airport, check-in, lunch at Burger King, coffee at Starbucks. Time for goodbyes.
Didn't feel well at all, a pressure on my chest, sadness in my mind. Just wanted to never let go...
Almost started crying when I went back to the others. Tried to cheer up. Somehow we made a big detour to IKEA on the way back, which was fun, got my mind off things.
When I finally came home, I started cleaning. Then crashed. Then woke up still not feeling well. Got dressed, got ready, packed some booze and made for a förfest. Got drunk on "Never have I ever" - and we left for Båten. Danced, got some ciders, got raggade på while up in the lounge smoking, danced some more. When the place closed, most went home. Not me and Molina, we continued the dancing at Étage, one more hour. Got hit on. Danced and danced and danced. Heat, sweat, bodies moving like one.
On the way home we talked to some German guys and pretended to be British. We went on the swings for no reason at all, which was where we decided to do shrooms. Went inside and ate the stuff. After half an hour, everything was breathing: the walls, the couch, my blanket, the bookshelves... My hand was pulsating, I could see all the veins and the blood coursing through them. I was gently rocked from side to side by my chintz; kändes som att fåtöljen var en liten båt som gungade på vågorna. Everything was beautiful; colors and light enhanced. Just lay there snug in my blanket, watching everything move, breathe, shine, shift color, get distorted then turn back to normal. Then I moved into my room and everything went bad. Lying there in my bed, awefully tired, I felt trapped in my own body, I felt like I was under the ground, immersed in earth and green things, feeling the earth breathe in a rainforest like way. Jag var alledeles genomskinlig, men lyste med ett grönt ljus inifrån, och små gröna ådror snirklade sig över hela min pulserande kropp som låg precis under ytan, precis under gräset. My head was really tightly wired and prickling all the time. The leaves outside the window were amazing to watch, but apart from that, it was strange trying to not fall asleep but being so dead tired - I think what I felt then is what sleep paralyzis feels like. Trapped. It was an interesting perspective. I just wish I had done it outside in a green place, and when I was in a better mood. Would have been more awesome then.
7.28.2010
Jag kan leka lite till.
So much has happened. Left hot days in Malmö for the countryside, where we held a bash that wasn't much appreciated by Mom. Two days after just sun and pool and hp.
Then left for Höör, a Tuesday evening, on a long bus trip to Kristianstad and then train from there. Spent a night of caffeine pills, beer and old memories.
Then the day after I was so royally fucked that zombie mode doesn't even cover it. Met Molina for a picnic, met J for an ice cream, then went to Stadsparken. The morning after that fucked up day, we went to Göteborg!!!!!!!!!
It was a real "weekend holiday" - and I just love staying at hotels. Liseberg when we had installed ourselves at the hotel. Then after a long and adventurous day there, we rounded off with a beer at Little London. The day after it was time to change hotels, to a more central one. And after all that was done, we went on a shopping spree. Quick lunch, then off to the hotel again to party it up before going to the Pink concert. Pink was fucking awesome. Don't like listening to her music normally, but this was really really good. She's so damn cool, and pro, at everything. After the concert we were supposed to go clubbing, a minor setback was that all the clubs had age 23 to get in. So Olivia flirted with a doorman to a dingy bar, and in we went to drink a little more. De stängde vid tre, så då vallfärdade vi till Donken som alla andra fulla Göteborgare. Taxi till hotellrummet. Dagen efter det var fan en av de flummigaste i hela mitt liv. Magda var totalt out of it. Sjukt najs hotellfrukost, utcheckning, lämna väskorna i bilen. "Jag tror vi ska till D" osv. Runda på stan, hem i bilen. Powernap.
SSKK's sommarfest samma kväll som vi kom hem. Fixa till sig, ner till stadsparken och sänka en flaska tequila, ta bussen ut till delphi - och där förundras över hur awesome festen faktiskt var. Soffor utomhus som skapade loungekänsla, ett svettigt dansgolv med grym musik, två barer med trevliga priser, en pool där mitt i alltihop som gjorde att det mesta var täckt av lera dagen efter. Krashade på kompis soffa (inomhus) efter mindre lyckade konversationer.
Dagen efter det blev det pizza och städning av korridor, sen plockade snälla magdas mamma upp mig och tog mig hem till min fristad hemma hos magda. vi sov på en filt ute i magdas trädgård. läste. somnade tidigt, vaknade tidigt, ut med filten i trädgården igen. planerade cp-fylla i stadsparken, och så blev det senare på kvällen.
Dagen efter det blev man utdragen till Barsebäck strand, där vi inte stannade särskilt länge. Sen var det dags för nästa fest. Chillkrök hos Olivia, sen ut till Malmö och Båten, men Båtens kö var jobbig så de stack hem till Olivia igen och jag försvann.
Nu är det Onsdag igen. Exakt en vecka sedan min cp-dag på koffeinpiller-hangover. Nu har jag snart varit *nästan* konstant full i två veckor. Vilka äventyr man har upplevt. Men någonstans där inne säger 20-åringen: SKÄRP DIG FÖR FAN!!!!!!!!!!!
äsch, det är sommar. jag kan leka lite till.
Then left for Höör, a Tuesday evening, on a long bus trip to Kristianstad and then train from there. Spent a night of caffeine pills, beer and old memories.
Then the day after I was so royally fucked that zombie mode doesn't even cover it. Met Molina for a picnic, met J for an ice cream, then went to Stadsparken. The morning after that fucked up day, we went to Göteborg!!!!!!!!!
It was a real "weekend holiday" - and I just love staying at hotels. Liseberg when we had installed ourselves at the hotel. Then after a long and adventurous day there, we rounded off with a beer at Little London. The day after it was time to change hotels, to a more central one. And after all that was done, we went on a shopping spree. Quick lunch, then off to the hotel again to party it up before going to the Pink concert. Pink was fucking awesome. Don't like listening to her music normally, but this was really really good. She's so damn cool, and pro, at everything. After the concert we were supposed to go clubbing, a minor setback was that all the clubs had age 23 to get in. So Olivia flirted with a doorman to a dingy bar, and in we went to drink a little more. De stängde vid tre, så då vallfärdade vi till Donken som alla andra fulla Göteborgare. Taxi till hotellrummet. Dagen efter det var fan en av de flummigaste i hela mitt liv. Magda var totalt out of it. Sjukt najs hotellfrukost, utcheckning, lämna väskorna i bilen. "Jag tror vi ska till D" osv. Runda på stan, hem i bilen. Powernap.
SSKK's sommarfest samma kväll som vi kom hem. Fixa till sig, ner till stadsparken och sänka en flaska tequila, ta bussen ut till delphi - och där förundras över hur awesome festen faktiskt var. Soffor utomhus som skapade loungekänsla, ett svettigt dansgolv med grym musik, två barer med trevliga priser, en pool där mitt i alltihop som gjorde att det mesta var täckt av lera dagen efter. Krashade på kompis soffa (inomhus) efter mindre lyckade konversationer.
Dagen efter det blev det pizza och städning av korridor, sen plockade snälla magdas mamma upp mig och tog mig hem till min fristad hemma hos magda. vi sov på en filt ute i magdas trädgård. läste. somnade tidigt, vaknade tidigt, ut med filten i trädgården igen. planerade cp-fylla i stadsparken, och så blev det senare på kvällen.
Dagen efter det blev man utdragen till Barsebäck strand, där vi inte stannade särskilt länge. Sen var det dags för nästa fest. Chillkrök hos Olivia, sen ut till Malmö och Båten, men Båtens kö var jobbig så de stack hem till Olivia igen och jag försvann.
Nu är det Onsdag igen. Exakt en vecka sedan min cp-dag på koffeinpiller-hangover. Nu har jag snart varit *nästan* konstant full i två veckor. Vilka äventyr man har upplevt. Men någonstans där inne säger 20-åringen: SKÄRP DIG FÖR FAN!!!!!!!!!!!
äsch, det är sommar. jag kan leka lite till.
7.18.2010
What do you need
So it's complicated and I can't really tell anyone about this, because I feel whiny and stupid but I'm VERY confused at the moment. Emotionally challenged I presume. So, one guy with pretty eyes and potential leaves - there could have been something but now I might never know. Another guy, with a fucked up history arrives - there has been something there and might still be. At least leftovers. Or? I actually don't know anything of this, it just feeeels that way. Fuck feelings right. Then there is this mysterious one who has been sometimes in the center, sometimes on the outskirts, but he keeps coming back but it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere although I sometimes hope it will. That thing needs more time. Then there is the fresh start: First date on Wednesday. My heart tells me I already know which one I want. My head tells me to go with the fresh start and hope it'll be good. But a previous fresh start attempt I had didn't end very well - so that is definitely scary. Anyway, I've not really been dating like this ever, so I'm having a lot of fun! Maybe dating is a biproduct of watching too much SATC. Hm...
7.03.2010
Jeg kalder på dig
Jeg flakker rundt,
jeg ved ikke hvor jeg hører til,
hey, endnu en tur i byen,
hva’ fanden skal det føre til.
alt for længe har jeg været natteravn,
så mange smukke mennesker,
i indre København,
ser en silhuet, du forsvinder med det samme,
hvor er du nu, hvor er du nu.
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
her er for meget larm, kan ikke høre dig, uhuu..
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
jeg finder dig, jeg ser dig for mig selvom jeg ikk' kender dit navn.
Jeg kalder på dig X 7
Står her igen,
og brænder mine penge af,
jeg ser dig ude i mængden,
og skipper lige et hjerteslag,
alt forlænge har jeg været natteravn,
så mange smukke piger her
i indre København.
ser en silhuet, du forsvinder med det samme,
hvor er du nu, hvor er du nu.
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
her er for meget larm, kan ikke høre dig, uhuu..
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
jeg finder dig, jeg ser dig for mig selvom jeg ikk' kender dit navn.
jeg ved ikke hvor jeg hører til,
hey, endnu en tur i byen,
hva’ fanden skal det føre til.
alt for længe har jeg været natteravn,
så mange smukke mennesker,
i indre København,
ser en silhuet, du forsvinder med det samme,
hvor er du nu, hvor er du nu.
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
her er for meget larm, kan ikke høre dig, uhuu..
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
jeg finder dig, jeg ser dig for mig selvom jeg ikk' kender dit navn.
Jeg kalder på dig X 7
Står her igen,
og brænder mine penge af,
jeg ser dig ude i mængden,
og skipper lige et hjerteslag,
alt forlænge har jeg været natteravn,
så mange smukke piger her
i indre København.
ser en silhuet, du forsvinder med det samme,
hvor er du nu, hvor er du nu.
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
her er for meget larm, kan ikke høre dig, uhuu..
Kærligheden kalder nu i nat, kalder du,
jeg finder dig, jeg ser dig for mig selvom jeg ikk' kender dit navn.
7.01.2010
Där måsarna skrattar sig hesa
så trött att jag nästan somnar på tangentbordet med skärmen flytande som vatten framför mig. antal koppar kaffe som inte hjälper. jag skyller det på hostmedicinen som gör en "dåsig" enligt bieffektslappen. och på penicillinet. som jag inte får sola med men gör ändå.
Magaluf. En omfattande dimma av märkligheter, fest, upptåg, människor, beach club, strand, vodkaredbull, balkongfilosoferande, kåthet, sjukhusbesök, kinamat, promenader, och en jävla massa siesta. Anländer till E4:an med bagage i släptåg, hämtar nyckel, upp i lägenheten, otrolig utsikt över stranden och det glittrande havet, byter om till mer bekväma kläder efter en snabb raggardusch, ner på E4:an igen, möts av varsin vodkaredbull. Tapastallrik med tillhörande shot. M kikar förbi bakfull som en vattenbuffel. Äntligen fick jag smiska T igen. Skratt. Inser att man faktiskt har landat på partyön numero uno. Sen blev det ju en sjuhelvetes fest. Resten av dagarna också. Så mycket på så lite tid. Normala rundan var:
- Förfest på balkongen så jävla trött att man höll på o dö. Körde några rundor vändåtta och halsade standardgroggen redbullvodka på billig rysk vodka kallad Rushikoff för typ fem euro. Hit bjöds ibland folk in. Men för det mesta mådde man bara skit och hade ångest.
- E4:an: Anlände alltid här sega som fan och opepp, men efter några shot kom man igång igen, och då jävlar i det gick det i 290.
- snabb shot på Gjökeredet
- Viking: old faces, new faces, still Viking
- Beach Club: där man dansade som en galning och även ibland klättrade på bardisken, antingen superfull eller lagom full - här såg man ju alla. Vissa kvällar mer galet än andra.
- Casablanca: för en kort stund bara, eftersom där aldrig var särskilt roligt (enligt mig)
- Dallas grillen: Kebab!
Sedan var klockan plötsligt 7 på morgonen. Oj då.
En kväll som såg annorlunda ut var när vi efter E4:an stack till Orginalet för att festa. Efter det med E4:an crew till Panama Jack eller vad det hette med pint drinkar och Mr P som DJ. Sedan Beach Club och sedan bortamatch. En av de roligare kvällarna. Midsommar får inte heller glömmas. Champagnefrukost, kransfixande, fördrinkar på Orginalet, långbord med vita dukar på en terrass där solen stekte och sommarklassiker spelades i högtalarna, 4 liter shot dunkar (BOOM), buffé à la T. Fanta rosé och San Miguel flödade, kort togs, sånger sjöngs, det stampades och klappades och ropades. Maten glömdes bort. Shot dunkarna tömdes. Sen blev det poolbadande, även ofrivilligt. Alla ska i!! Dyngsur letar man sig sedan bort mot E4:an (hur fan kunde man ens stå upp?!?!) för ytterligare drinkar (hur fan fick man i sig dem?!?!). After an encounter in the basement, så försvann vi till Beach Club, där det hade varit skumparty, skum överallt. Sedan fick någon den briljanta idéen att vi skulle bada i havet. Det gjorde vi också. Sen någonstans mitt i hånglandet på stranden fick man nog och bestämde sig för att det var dags med siesta. Kvällens festande senare slog inte på långa vägar en av de galnaste dagarna i mitt liv.
Ja, detta var bara för mig själv så att jag ska komma ihåg lite av vad som hände. Rädd att man ska glömma. Slicka mina fötter. Osv. Minnen dyker upp bakom nervtrådarna hela tiden. Okej.
Magaluf. En omfattande dimma av märkligheter, fest, upptåg, människor, beach club, strand, vodkaredbull, balkongfilosoferande, kåthet, sjukhusbesök, kinamat, promenader, och en jävla massa siesta. Anländer till E4:an med bagage i släptåg, hämtar nyckel, upp i lägenheten, otrolig utsikt över stranden och det glittrande havet, byter om till mer bekväma kläder efter en snabb raggardusch, ner på E4:an igen, möts av varsin vodkaredbull. Tapastallrik med tillhörande shot. M kikar förbi bakfull som en vattenbuffel. Äntligen fick jag smiska T igen. Skratt. Inser att man faktiskt har landat på partyön numero uno. Sen blev det ju en sjuhelvetes fest. Resten av dagarna också. Så mycket på så lite tid. Normala rundan var:
- Förfest på balkongen så jävla trött att man höll på o dö. Körde några rundor vändåtta och halsade standardgroggen redbullvodka på billig rysk vodka kallad Rushikoff för typ fem euro. Hit bjöds ibland folk in. Men för det mesta mådde man bara skit och hade ångest.
- E4:an: Anlände alltid här sega som fan och opepp, men efter några shot kom man igång igen, och då jävlar i det gick det i 290.
- snabb shot på Gjökeredet
- Viking: old faces, new faces, still Viking
- Beach Club: där man dansade som en galning och även ibland klättrade på bardisken, antingen superfull eller lagom full - här såg man ju alla. Vissa kvällar mer galet än andra.
- Casablanca: för en kort stund bara, eftersom där aldrig var särskilt roligt (enligt mig)
- Dallas grillen: Kebab!
Sedan var klockan plötsligt 7 på morgonen. Oj då.
En kväll som såg annorlunda ut var när vi efter E4:an stack till Orginalet för att festa. Efter det med E4:an crew till Panama Jack eller vad det hette med pint drinkar och Mr P som DJ. Sedan Beach Club och sedan bortamatch. En av de roligare kvällarna. Midsommar får inte heller glömmas. Champagnefrukost, kransfixande, fördrinkar på Orginalet, långbord med vita dukar på en terrass där solen stekte och sommarklassiker spelades i högtalarna, 4 liter shot dunkar (BOOM), buffé à la T. Fanta rosé och San Miguel flödade, kort togs, sånger sjöngs, det stampades och klappades och ropades. Maten glömdes bort. Shot dunkarna tömdes. Sen blev det poolbadande, även ofrivilligt. Alla ska i!! Dyngsur letar man sig sedan bort mot E4:an (hur fan kunde man ens stå upp?!?!) för ytterligare drinkar (hur fan fick man i sig dem?!?!). After an encounter in the basement, så försvann vi till Beach Club, där det hade varit skumparty, skum överallt. Sedan fick någon den briljanta idéen att vi skulle bada i havet. Det gjorde vi också. Sen någonstans mitt i hånglandet på stranden fick man nog och bestämde sig för att det var dags med siesta. Kvällens festande senare slog inte på långa vägar en av de galnaste dagarna i mitt liv.
Ja, detta var bara för mig själv så att jag ska komma ihåg lite av vad som hände. Rädd att man ska glömma. Slicka mina fötter. Osv. Minnen dyker upp bakom nervtrådarna hela tiden. Okej.
6.14.2010
Bang bang bang bang
AFFINITET af lat. affinitas, grannskap; frändskap (gm giftermål)]
1) kem. kemisk frändskap, två ämnens sträfvan att ingå kemisk förening. Alla kroppar .. hafva en viss grad affinitet til hvarandra. GJÖRWELL Enc. 133 (1777). på grund af frändskap uppkommen kemisk förening. EHRENHEIM Fys. 258 (1822).
trots våra kroppars affinitet
plågas vi ändå av ensamhet...
Vad händer nu då?
1) kem. kemisk frändskap, två ämnens sträfvan att ingå kemisk förening. Alla kroppar .. hafva en viss grad affinitet til hvarandra. GJÖRWELL Enc. 133 (1777). på grund af frändskap uppkommen kemisk förening. EHRENHEIM Fys. 258 (1822).
trots våra kroppars affinitet
plågas vi ändå av ensamhet...
Vad händer nu då?
6.13.2010
The age of lost innocence
Have you ever been so angry at yourself that you could run into a wall just to cause yourself pain, which would distract you from the anger? Well, I have. Angry that I can't break thought patterns and stop obsessing about things that I don't really care about. If I look at it from a realistic point of view, it's not something that matters to me, it only matters as an object of obsessive thought energy. If the idea became reality, I wouldn't care at all about it, I only care when it's an idea. Which is frightening in itself, because why would I waste so much thought on something I wouldn't want in reality? Confused yet? Thoughts are what manifest in the real world, but somehow I'm working against myself, because these obsessive thoughts, I wouldn't want them to manifest and still they are what I think about the most. It's like a bubbling cauldron of chaos in there. Hence the anger. But I try to dismiss the anger the same way I usually dismiss the obsessiveness. And it works, little by little. Not that I relapse.
For a long time now I've lived in an uninterrupted inner calm, and it is like watching a river peacefully float by. The anger can't tough me, the obsessiveness is there but I'm getting better at dismissing it. Think that none of these complex thought patterns or behaviours existed in Tenerife - I just got them back and they kind of overwhelmed me. What. The. Fuck.
For a long time now I've lived in an uninterrupted inner calm, and it is like watching a river peacefully float by. The anger can't tough me, the obsessiveness is there but I'm getting better at dismissing it. Think that none of these complex thought patterns or behaviours existed in Tenerife - I just got them back and they kind of overwhelmed me. What. The. Fuck.
6.10.2010
Hundra år senare
Har inte gått och lagt mig. Gick en lång bit till en buss runt fyratiden i morse, kom fram fem, inser att bussen går sex. Satt på en gräsplätt under ett träd som droppade regn, rökte den sista ciggen som dessutom var bruten. Tejpade ihop den med mina skitiga fingrar. Försökte få världen att sluta snurra. Bussen kommer förvånansvärt snabbt. Eller så var jag bara full. Stirrar ut genom fönstret på grå massa, försöker att inte somna. Somnar med kinden mot rutan. Vaknar dreglande upp vid Värnhem, försöker att inte somna om. Somnar. Vaknar upp precis innan Konserthuset. Hoppar av. Stapplar hem. Däckar. Vaknar två timmar senare för att jobba. Får reda på att det inte blir något. Sover en extra timme. Vaknar, fortfarande jättefull, försöker dölja det för föräldrarna, halsar vatten och kaffe, käkar lite yoghurt men har svårt att fokusera. Världen snurrar. Två panodil. Tid och vatten. Inget hjälper. Världen snurrar fortfarande på ett väldigt obehagligt sätt - det känns som en snetripp - men det beror nog mer på vad som hände igår och humöret än på fylla/bakfylla. För ibland är det så, helt orelaterat till "PMS" (som inte finns egentligen), att man bara vill gå och dö. Helst under en sten - då hittar de bara benen sen, hundra år senare.
6.02.2010
In my head, I see you all over me
Eh. Yeah, that's it I think. Don't really know what else to say. Past, future, present. Past - beach, sun drink, hard work. Future - studenter, parties, drinking, parties, boys, parties, parties? Present - dead lock in between watching ladder goats and having conversations about beer bread and penises. Listening to french club music and considering going to Dubstep. Taking mom to see a movie. Buying presents. Drinking beer. Taking walks in the park. Working now and then. Climbing between boredom, misery and hopeful cheeriness - I see the past, the present and the future - all present. It confuses me and makes me dizzy. I could listen to the voice of Hayden Christensen forever. And I find myself amazing. Tomorrow - work and then watch pretty dresses and congratulate and then maybe a drink and then go home to watch another of these movies. New York, I love you - kind of entertaining. The Virgin Suicides - kind of interesting. What will it be tomorrow night? Then sleep. That's it.
5.25.2010
I'm not saying it's your fault.
Now is the time as usual to walk out in to the night and be fabulously beautiful and break some hearts to get on top of the game again. Walk on in this war called infatuation. Don’t look over your shoulder on all the collateral damage; don’t look back on the piles of broken hearts. Keep your eyes on the road ahead – the road to more disappointments, the road to more unanswered feelings. And inevitably to more destructive behavior, more alcohol, more cigarettes and coquette smiles to snare those who might make you feel temporarily better. Numb your feelings; escape from reality, the night has all those things I like. Numb the feelings to escape the prison of obsession they create. You don’t want to become a De Clérambault. Black eyes, high heels, an aura of destructive charm radiating out from that piece of sexiness. Not many resist it, but it’s not what you’re ultimately looking for. It’s just a way of feeding self-confidence to feel better about all the rejections. What will it say on your page in the history book? Oh, on mine it will say: “She had upon her a curse of rejection, which rendered her chances of catching Prince Charming irrevocably hopeless.”
5.23.2010
Devil in a toaster
Tjugo facking år. Det är jävligt bisarrt egentligen. Det var en najs fest, lite random, svårt att fokusera med så många människor runt omkring. Mamma är helt knäpp, speciellt när hon är aspackad. Jag är också det, vet inte riktigt varför jag var tvungen att bli så full. Tänkte inte helt enkelt. Önskar jag varit mindre full så jag hade haft lite mer koll. Men så går det med en kyl proppfull med öl, flera lådor vin, två flaskor champagne, en flaska vodka och en flaska tequila. Fast tequilan slapp jag. Hoppas jag inte sa något pinsamt bara. Vilket jag säker gjorde. Till fel personer. Vid fel tillfälle. Minnesluckor som äter upp en inifrån framåt eftermiddagen när bakfyllan är ett faktum. Dagen efter har inte varit så bra. Morgonen var superfin med trevliga människor, solsken, paket, random diskussioner, sniglar och Djävulen som försökte kontakta Frida genom brödrosten. Kaffe. Flumm. Sol. Skratt. Men sen åkte de ju allihopa på en gång och jag blev väldigt spyfärdig. Däckade på en soffa, sov nån timme, vaknar upp och käkar kall flintastek och chips. Börjar kolla på Star Wars och försöker förstå att jag faktiskt är tjugo nu. Ju senare det blir, ju mer filosofisk blir jag. Sen sitter man där på terassen med en cigg och en fanta, stirrar på stjärnorna och formulerar filosofiska meningar i huvudet. In the end, we are all alone. Alone for life. Alcohol make you act out all the stupid ideas you have, there are no boundaries after a certain point and everything is possible. Like trying to stuff yourself into a trash can, or telling people things you have been thinking about them all along, stuff you don't dare to say when you're sober cause then you can grasp the consequences. Alcohol makes consequences disappear. Och sånt skitsnack. Sen kommer en full mamma med ett glas vin och sätter sig där. Tittar på en med mamma-blicken och säger "Gumman, det löser sig". Då vill man bara döda sig själv. Vad fan handlar allt om egentligen. Orkar inte vara seriös? När jag är bakfull vill jag bara ligga och hångla med någon på en mysig filt i solen. Men det fungerar ju inte riktigt så. Nu får det fan bli lite mer Star Wars så man kan somna ikväll. Jag tror jag ofta somnar med "Förlåt att jag finns" i huvudet. Tjugo år av "förlåt att jag finns". "Förlåt att jag förstör. Förlåt att jag är galen. Förlåt att allt blev så fel. Förlåt att jag finns."
Don't live faster than your angels can fly.
Don't live faster than your angels can fly.
5.18.2010
Jag älskar taxi.
Jag älskar taxi. Taxi kan göra en kväll perfekt. Taxi får alla på bra humör. Man slipper de dumma meningslösa minuterna man annars måste spendera på en kylig perrong alternativt skabbig busstation. Den tar en snabbt och smärtfritt till nästa destination, och humöret är på topp. Speciellt om man åker sju personer i en stortaxi, halvfulla, glada och flummiga. Stämningen är på topp, förfesten fortsätter i taxin, ingenting blir avbrutet av klaga på kyla, regn, eller av sura tanter. Man slipper kommunaltrafikens eviga pinor som får det att kräla i huden av känslor associerade till obehagligt uttjatat, tråkigt svenssonliv. Det är grått, det är trist, och det får dig att dö en liten bit inombords. Taxi å andra sidan, känns exklusivt på något sätt, det är dyrt, och inget man gör vardagligen, det är associerat med fylla och festligheter, associerat med grand arrivals, high heels, New York, Sex and the City osv. På Teneriffa tog man taxi hela tiden, vart man än skulle på kvällen - då kom man snabbt till festen och man slapp vingla runt bland horor och dealers. Man slapp spendera tid på att GÅ. Mer tid till att dricka och ha roligt. Saknar 5euro per taxi, saknar taxi 3ggr om kvällen. Saknar bar-hopping som det ska göras. Ingen bar-runda utan taxi - inte en chans. Därför var Lördagskvällen helt lysande. Viggos, förfest, TAXI, Ölis, TAXI, apartment. Perfekt. För M's del forsatte det efter Ölis med: TAXI, Spisen, Myntha, Efterfest, TAXI! Jag älskar taxi. Bara ordet får mig att må bra. Taxi är bäst. Jag älskar taxi.
5.13.2010
Mind-altering Substance of Choice
"He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
And went with half my life about my ways."
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
And went with half my life about my ways."
"it was not quite self-pity, though there was an element of that, more a kind of shrinking into one's core, shrinking so deeply that everything else - the irritable tourists, the stricken girl - appeared as though on the other side of a thick glass panel." (Ian McEwan)
"Like many before me, I had come to the slow acknowledgement that the mind-altering substance of choice in a pressured, succesfull middle life is alcohol. Licit, social, with one's mild addiction easily concealed among everyone else's, and in all it's infinte, ingenious manifestations, so colourful, so tasty, the drink in your hand triumphs by its very form; its liquidity is at one with the everyday, with milk, tea, coffee, with water, and therefore with life itself." (Ian McEwan)
Kristinehamn was a wonderful little dream bubble - didn't do much and didn't want to - was just happy floating around. Being close to C does that, you're content with whatever, and end up discussing dreams about the future, about going to Magaluf and Tenerife. And we are certainly going there again. We have realized that is the life we want - not this boring one here in cold Sweden. Listening to party music right now, perfect mood. Now I just need my charger back so I can have my phone.
"Like many before me, I had come to the slow acknowledgement that the mind-altering substance of choice in a pressured, succesfull middle life is alcohol. Licit, social, with one's mild addiction easily concealed among everyone else's, and in all it's infinte, ingenious manifestations, so colourful, so tasty, the drink in your hand triumphs by its very form; its liquidity is at one with the everyday, with milk, tea, coffee, with water, and therefore with life itself." (Ian McEwan)
Kristinehamn was a wonderful little dream bubble - didn't do much and didn't want to - was just happy floating around. Being close to C does that, you're content with whatever, and end up discussing dreams about the future, about going to Magaluf and Tenerife. And we are certainly going there again. We have realized that is the life we want - not this boring one here in cold Sweden. Listening to party music right now, perfect mood. Now I just need my charger back so I can have my phone.
5.04.2010
Sushi is great food for a date
I think I'm too much for making illusions. I think I want that too much. Everytime I see potentials and build air castles that come crumbling down when I catch up with reality.
Even if I didn't feel anything in particular, I wanted to feel. Now close to my 20th birthday I've finally gone on a real date. Sushi, white wine, and movies. And talking and laughing and having a really great time with a really great guy. But that was it. I'm too attached to the Cinderella dream, love at first sight, Törnrosa-syndrome, to even give it a chance. If there's no spark - I condemn it. It was awesomely cozy though and I love sushi. And Riesling wine.
Why the whole partnership thing though? I can have a heart to heart with close guy friends, I can have intense/hot/kinky/whatever-adjective-fits-here sex with other guys (whom Icould technically have a heart to heart with too if I wanted to) - I just don't see why the dreaded B-word used to get me so worked up.
Serious relationships doesn't seem to be my thing. No-strings-attached-deals seems more like my thing. I just stumble into that situation over and over again - sometimes it's a mess and sometimes it isn't. At the end of the day, I just shrug my shoulders and stumble into the next thing. All very cashual.
Even if I didn't feel anything in particular, I wanted to feel. Now close to my 20th birthday I've finally gone on a real date. Sushi, white wine, and movies. And talking and laughing and having a really great time with a really great guy. But that was it. I'm too attached to the Cinderella dream, love at first sight, Törnrosa-syndrome, to even give it a chance. If there's no spark - I condemn it. It was awesomely cozy though and I love sushi. And Riesling wine.
Why the whole partnership thing though? I can have a heart to heart with close guy friends, I can have intense/hot/kinky/whatever-adjective-fits-here sex with other guys (whom Icould technically have a heart to heart with too if I wanted to) - I just don't see why the dreaded B-word used to get me so worked up.
Serious relationships doesn't seem to be my thing. No-strings-attached-deals seems more like my thing. I just stumble into that situation over and over again - sometimes it's a mess and sometimes it isn't. At the end of the day, I just shrug my shoulders and stumble into the next thing. All very cashual.
5.01.2010
Kun for mig
"he'd use my name in conversation a lot, a succesful manipulation technique for narcissists like me who are easily hypnotized by the sound of their own names. And it worked."
"Because it's about him desserving you, not choosing you at random from a harem of devotees."
- I don't care about your band, by Julie Klausner
Hilarious, witty, entertaining, acute observations about disastrous dating. Anyways, that last one is something I really have to learn...
Klubben fyller mina ådror, och plåstrar alla sår, här ser man inga svaga tårar - jag har det bra.
Promillehalten stiger, här finns inget som gör ont, här finns inget som är sunt - jag har det bra.
Endast toner existerar i min värld, jag hör endast musik i mitt iskalla hjärta, här finns inget som kan röra mig, här finns ingen man som kan snöra mig. För jag har ingen plats för kärlek, och jag är så färdig med din falska ärlighet. Nu är det förbi, jag ska härda mig, jag har det mycket bättre utan dig. Så nu är musiken kun for mig, kun for mig.
Fri översättning av Medinas Kun for mig. Perfect club music. Valborg igår - första dagsfyllan sen Tenerife. Awesome, except that my phone died. Idag - utgång på Möllan o nattklubb - Molinas sista utgång i Malmö innan hon åker till England för Exams... See ya!
"Because it's about him desserving you, not choosing you at random from a harem of devotees."
- I don't care about your band, by Julie Klausner
Hilarious, witty, entertaining, acute observations about disastrous dating. Anyways, that last one is something I really have to learn...
Klubben fyller mina ådror, och plåstrar alla sår, här ser man inga svaga tårar - jag har det bra.
Promillehalten stiger, här finns inget som gör ont, här finns inget som är sunt - jag har det bra.
Endast toner existerar i min värld, jag hör endast musik i mitt iskalla hjärta, här finns inget som kan röra mig, här finns ingen man som kan snöra mig. För jag har ingen plats för kärlek, och jag är så färdig med din falska ärlighet. Nu är det förbi, jag ska härda mig, jag har det mycket bättre utan dig. Så nu är musiken kun for mig, kun for mig.
Fri översättning av Medinas Kun for mig. Perfect club music. Valborg igår - första dagsfyllan sen Tenerife. Awesome, except that my phone died. Idag - utgång på Möllan o nattklubb - Molinas sista utgång i Malmö innan hon åker till England för Exams... See ya!
4.25.2010
We are! Your friends!
Sometimes you get a reminder why you do what you do. Being a rockstar for a night, I could stop asking myself why I like getting drunk and fooling around. Owning a stage, with people following your every move, clapping when you clap, mimicking your dance moves - the megalomania was unstoppable. I felt like a puppeteer (?), holding the strings, making my little puppets dance. I felt like a vampire, glamoring my victims, enchanting them. I could never have done any of this though, if it wasn't for wonderful Jizz Junkie.
It was the perfect night out. Moderately drunk, Fab fab fab company, good mood, looking like a model (or at least thinking I did), all the guys after us, just dancing dancing dancing until they closed. And that stage, that stage will keep on reminding me why I love partying.
It was the perfect night out. Moderately drunk, Fab fab fab company, good mood, looking like a model (or at least thinking I did), all the guys after us, just dancing dancing dancing until they closed. And that stage, that stage will keep on reminding me why I love partying.
Playlist:
Suspekt - Sut den op fra slap
Medina - Kun for mig
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Justice Vs Simian - We are your friends
Suspekt - Sut den op fra slap
Medina - Kun for mig
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Justice Vs Simian - We are your friends
4.23.2010
Panty face and Jizz junkie
Panty face and Jizz junkie had a wonderful time walking around a city they frequently get lost in. Things that happened were Panty face var dum vid Jizz junkie, som sa att Panty face skulle sluta var dum under henne. There also was smoking under dörruppgångar, late lunch at Tic Tac (there was some confusion to wether the name of the restaurant was Zic Zac, or was it Riff Raff?), "hola guapas" and a successful meeting at club S. Oh right, I forgot "Out of Juice" - a very nice bar with hot bartenders and cozy atmosphere. The day was concluded in: "Ohmygosh I'm so proud of you! I'm going to update my facebook status to: 'I'm best friends with a stripper!!!!!!!!!!' "
Anyway. Still woozy, lost and disoriented. Where is the fucking stability. At least I have a new computer now. Which I am fondling right now. Today there was a Pole, which Jizz junkie didn't abuse, but left in my care. I convinced him to eat China Box, which always upsets his stomach. Fun to talk about consistency of fecal matter while munching on fried shrimps in peanut sauce. Speaking of, I have to go take a crap.
Back. That was a good one. Moving on. Tonight there will be more adventures in the form of getting fjortis-drunk, go out chaperoning each other, hopefully find some fun guys to entertain ourselves with then a walk of shame back to my place in the morning. No one is safe when Patsy & Eddie is about the town. Just to clarify, Jizz junkie = Patsy. Panty face is more of a Eddie. At least all this adds up to more fun than dating an English guy who likes to eat chewing gum off the street. Cheerio.
Anyway. Still woozy, lost and disoriented. Where is the fucking stability. At least I have a new computer now. Which I am fondling right now. Today there was a Pole, which Jizz junkie didn't abuse, but left in my care. I convinced him to eat China Box, which always upsets his stomach. Fun to talk about consistency of fecal matter while munching on fried shrimps in peanut sauce. Speaking of, I have to go take a crap.
Back. That was a good one. Moving on. Tonight there will be more adventures in the form of getting fjortis-drunk, go out chaperoning each other, hopefully find some fun guys to entertain ourselves with then a walk of shame back to my place in the morning. No one is safe when Patsy & Eddie is about the town. Just to clarify, Jizz junkie = Patsy. Panty face is more of a Eddie. At least all this adds up to more fun than dating an English guy who likes to eat chewing gum off the street. Cheerio.
4.21.2010
Should I kill this thing?
So. I guess I am home. If I want to call this a home, I don't know. The weirdest feeling I've had in a superlong time. Woozy, dizzy, just sleep all the time. Hey I don't even know what to say.
In some ways it feels like this blog has outlived its purpose. On the other hand though, I know I'm going to need it sooner or later. On my better days I always feel like a normal, sane person. On my better days, I feel that this "thing" is completely useless, immature and banal. If it's spelled like that gosh I haven't practiced my english until I landed in this country and met IB:ers. Anyways! It's always good to have a place to vent. A diary? Nah, I always burn old diaries and regret it several years later. Yes, I have kept several diaries but all of them got burned. At the stake. Like evil witches coming to haunt me. Why why why did I burn the diary I wrote when I had anorexia... I mean, it could be very very interesting, and maybe even useful for others.
I diverged. I'm sorry. I guess I am back yeah. So weirded out by this place and can't stop thinking about all the things I miss. Where to begin? The sun. The warmth. The beach. The beer. Free drinks. And then after all that - The People. Nah just kidding - the people is what I miss the most. After the sun that is. Had to go to a Solarium today to get some endorphins running in my system. Start with a gym card, then the driving license, book some travels for Magaluf, Greece and all over Sweden, talk to my grandparents that I haven't seen in ages...
Life starts anew. Like a reborn I blink at the amazing world out there, at all the possibilities, all the roads I can take, all the crossings and meeting points I know lies ahead. So many choices. But whatever happens happens. Mañana mañana. Can't be bothered to get stressed, I will go wherever my life takes me, wherever I feel like going.
I think home is the people you love, not really the place. So in one way this IS my home. Cause I got people I love here. Y'all know who y'are. Today I met one of them. Tomorrow I'll meet another, and countless days after that. Cause I got the whole summer ahead of me, dedicated to people, places, and things that I love.
In some ways it feels like this blog has outlived its purpose. On the other hand though, I know I'm going to need it sooner or later. On my better days I always feel like a normal, sane person. On my better days, I feel that this "thing" is completely useless, immature and banal. If it's spelled like that gosh I haven't practiced my english until I landed in this country and met IB:ers. Anyways! It's always good to have a place to vent. A diary? Nah, I always burn old diaries and regret it several years later. Yes, I have kept several diaries but all of them got burned. At the stake. Like evil witches coming to haunt me. Why why why did I burn the diary I wrote when I had anorexia... I mean, it could be very very interesting, and maybe even useful for others.
I diverged. I'm sorry. I guess I am back yeah. So weirded out by this place and can't stop thinking about all the things I miss. Where to begin? The sun. The warmth. The beach. The beer. Free drinks. And then after all that - The People. Nah just kidding - the people is what I miss the most. After the sun that is. Had to go to a Solarium today to get some endorphins running in my system. Start with a gym card, then the driving license, book some travels for Magaluf, Greece and all over Sweden, talk to my grandparents that I haven't seen in ages...
Life starts anew. Like a reborn I blink at the amazing world out there, at all the possibilities, all the roads I can take, all the crossings and meeting points I know lies ahead. So many choices. But whatever happens happens. Mañana mañana. Can't be bothered to get stressed, I will go wherever my life takes me, wherever I feel like going.
I think home is the people you love, not really the place. So in one way this IS my home. Cause I got people I love here. Y'all know who y'are. Today I met one of them. Tomorrow I'll meet another, and countless days after that. Cause I got the whole summer ahead of me, dedicated to people, places, and things that I love.
3.21.2010
The silent Rebel yell
Jamen bry er inte. What the fuck. Everytime someone farts it causes a commotion, thats how much people react to shit. It´s the same everywhere in the world, speciellt dar man inte har nagot annat att oroa sig for, som typ hur man ska fa mat for dagen eller om man ens kommer overleva. Orka bry sig?
I think I have this image of a "peace-love-and-understanding-society" sometimes in the 70s or possibly the summer of ´69 (something that absolutely didnt exist even then if you think about all the political conflicts going on, i know, im just glamourizing) where everyone is really chill and just love everyone and everything. It doesnt exist but I constantly wish it did. It`s like something from a Aldous Huxley novel; although in his books, the "chill" of the society is mostly dependent on drugs. And then we´re back to the English class discussions on drugs, sex and society. Yes, I miss my high school days, especially English class.
And no, I´m not a big fan of Billy Idol, I just revel in references. And I really am a silent rebel. I don´t make much noise of me, instead I write all my pain on a piece of paper, I turn my insides out, for everyone to see. I´ve explained this a million times; don´t care, I do this for myself. Especially since my memory has turned into a needle with holes in it, I need something to refresh it with.
Three weeks left. I can´t wait till the season is over. At the same time, I know I will miss this little bubble that is supposed to be life on Tenerife. Speaking of Tenerife, I heard a great song today. "Fuck Ibiza, fuck Tenerife - we´re going to Magaluf". Not that I´m going, I just laughed at how humble it sounds. Arrogance is so charming. Sarcasm always wins though.
I think I have this image of a "peace-love-and-understanding-society" sometimes in the 70s or possibly the summer of ´69 (something that absolutely didnt exist even then if you think about all the political conflicts going on, i know, im just glamourizing) where everyone is really chill and just love everyone and everything. It doesnt exist but I constantly wish it did. It`s like something from a Aldous Huxley novel; although in his books, the "chill" of the society is mostly dependent on drugs. And then we´re back to the English class discussions on drugs, sex and society. Yes, I miss my high school days, especially English class.
And no, I´m not a big fan of Billy Idol, I just revel in references. And I really am a silent rebel. I don´t make much noise of me, instead I write all my pain on a piece of paper, I turn my insides out, for everyone to see. I´ve explained this a million times; don´t care, I do this for myself. Especially since my memory has turned into a needle with holes in it, I need something to refresh it with.
Three weeks left. I can´t wait till the season is over. At the same time, I know I will miss this little bubble that is supposed to be life on Tenerife. Speaking of Tenerife, I heard a great song today. "Fuck Ibiza, fuck Tenerife - we´re going to Magaluf". Not that I´m going, I just laughed at how humble it sounds. Arrogance is so charming. Sarcasm always wins though.
2.22.2010
Golden memories
Ten minutes to write something interesting...
Tomorrow I'm getting a tattoo with my sister down here, Cecilia. She's going home in ten days and I don't know how I will handle life down here without her. It's going to be empty... Then it's just me and the boys. And you know how boys are - they like to do boy stuff on their own. Not fun when you're the only girl in the gang.
Work is so boring. Same thing every fucking day. Feels like I can't take it anymore. Tedious.
The future is on my mind yet again. What will I do this summer? Preferably I get a good job in Malmö, get a flat with Molina, and have a fucking awesome summer involving old friends, festivals and parties. And preferably I get in to Edinburgh and go there in the autumn filled with golden summer memories.
Memories, memories... So many memories I will bring from this island. So many, so amazing... Have some diary fragments I might post here when I get back in april...
Anyway, now it's time for work. Cheerio.
Tomorrow I'm getting a tattoo with my sister down here, Cecilia. She's going home in ten days and I don't know how I will handle life down here without her. It's going to be empty... Then it's just me and the boys. And you know how boys are - they like to do boy stuff on their own. Not fun when you're the only girl in the gang.
Work is so boring. Same thing every fucking day. Feels like I can't take it anymore. Tedious.
The future is on my mind yet again. What will I do this summer? Preferably I get a good job in Malmö, get a flat with Molina, and have a fucking awesome summer involving old friends, festivals and parties. And preferably I get in to Edinburgh and go there in the autumn filled with golden summer memories.
Memories, memories... So many memories I will bring from this island. So many, so amazing... Have some diary fragments I might post here when I get back in april...
Anyway, now it's time for work. Cheerio.
2.08.2010
Roam alone
Some people roam this world alone.
It doesn't matter that they have friends and family that love them, there is just a huge black hole inside them. Sometimes the hole is more prominent. Like when you hurt someone you love, when you make a mistake, when you lie alone at night thinking about everything and nothing. Sometimes the hole seems nonexistent. Like when you laugh your ass off with your best mates, when you kiss a gorgeous man, when you hold your baby sister in your arms. But the hole will always resurface and come back to haunt you. Because some people are just wired that way. Because some people, they roam this world alone.
"Maybe someday we will talk and just not speak" - well that's a story that went completely off the cliff since he has now left this island.
Avatar - it's so my kind of movie. I fell in love with the forest, the Na'vi, the plotline... It's like a mix between Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Pocahontas - something like that. But it's a really good movie. I'm such a sucker for epic tales of the good side overcoming the bad side, with a little romance thrown in.
Otherwise - I'm still alive, surprisingly enough.
It doesn't matter that they have friends and family that love them, there is just a huge black hole inside them. Sometimes the hole is more prominent. Like when you hurt someone you love, when you make a mistake, when you lie alone at night thinking about everything and nothing. Sometimes the hole seems nonexistent. Like when you laugh your ass off with your best mates, when you kiss a gorgeous man, when you hold your baby sister in your arms. But the hole will always resurface and come back to haunt you. Because some people are just wired that way. Because some people, they roam this world alone.
"Maybe someday we will talk and just not speak" - well that's a story that went completely off the cliff since he has now left this island.
Avatar - it's so my kind of movie. I fell in love with the forest, the Na'vi, the plotline... It's like a mix between Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Pocahontas - something like that. But it's a really good movie. I'm such a sucker for epic tales of the good side overcoming the bad side, with a little romance thrown in.
Otherwise - I'm still alive, surprisingly enough.
1.10.2010
Mi mi mi, para mi?
It's a new year and i didnt even see it coming, the old one was over so fast it was almost too fast. What a hell of a year you were, sweet 2009, one of the happiest years of my life. Let's see. I graduated from high school. I scored awesomely at exams. Prom, studenten, house-party, Split, Hultsfred... Nätterna i Ystad. sommarkvällspromenader, Marinan, strandfester. Molina and me loose in Malmö. Sen kom hösten. Ölkvällar och vattenpipa med Magda. Nya jobb och mys. Sedan kom telefonsamtalet som ändrade mitt liv. "Vill du komma ner och jobba på Teneriffa?" "Eh, tja, ja varför inte?"
Nu är förfan januari snart slut också och jag har ännu mindre tid än någonsin. Festar antagligen mer än min hälsa klarar av men vafan, man lever bara en gång. Börjar iofs tröttna, when all nights look the same, when all people stay the same, it's no fun anymore. Have only gotten closer to A and C, the others not at all. And Viking and Rags are not much fun anymore. Drink at home and at our favourite secret place. When I get drunk I don't really care who I am with or where I am. Long time since I got some too, makes me cranky. As always, it feels like I'm loosing myself, when I know in my heart, I'm beginning to find myself more and more.
Sitter i lägenheten där Familjen Dyngrak bor. Dricker Smirnoff Ice. Ska till Banana Garden och käka, sen antagligen en sväng till Viking. Sen vill jag faktiskt hem. Sova. Sen börjar en ny vecka. Ja, jag har börjat tröttna, jag är sliten. See things that others here dont see, feel things people here dont feel. Find dark corridors behind doors that others just see as an opening to another room. Maybe it's House of Leaves that's messing with my head.
Kasta lego.
Nu är förfan januari snart slut också och jag har ännu mindre tid än någonsin. Festar antagligen mer än min hälsa klarar av men vafan, man lever bara en gång. Börjar iofs tröttna, when all nights look the same, when all people stay the same, it's no fun anymore. Have only gotten closer to A and C, the others not at all. And Viking and Rags are not much fun anymore. Drink at home and at our favourite secret place. When I get drunk I don't really care who I am with or where I am. Long time since I got some too, makes me cranky. As always, it feels like I'm loosing myself, when I know in my heart, I'm beginning to find myself more and more.
Sitter i lägenheten där Familjen Dyngrak bor. Dricker Smirnoff Ice. Ska till Banana Garden och käka, sen antagligen en sväng till Viking. Sen vill jag faktiskt hem. Sova. Sen börjar en ny vecka. Ja, jag har börjat tröttna, jag är sliten. See things that others here dont see, feel things people here dont feel. Find dark corridors behind doors that others just see as an opening to another room. Maybe it's House of Leaves that's messing with my head.
Kasta lego.
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