Have you ever been so angry at yourself that you could run into a wall just to cause yourself pain, which would distract you from the anger? Well, I have. Angry that I can't break thought patterns and stop obsessing about things that I don't really care about. If I look at it from a realistic point of view, it's not something that matters to me, it only matters as an object of obsessive thought energy. If the idea became reality, I wouldn't care at all about it, I only care when it's an idea. Which is frightening in itself, because why would I waste so much thought on something I wouldn't want in reality? Confused yet? Thoughts are what manifest in the real world, but somehow I'm working against myself, because these obsessive thoughts, I wouldn't want them to manifest and still they are what I think about the most. It's like a bubbling cauldron of chaos in there. Hence the anger. But I try to dismiss the anger the same way I usually dismiss the obsessiveness. And it works, little by little. Not that I relapse.
For a long time now I've lived in an uninterrupted inner calm, and it is like watching a river peacefully float by. The anger can't tough me, the obsessiveness is there but I'm getting better at dismissing it. Think that none of these complex thought patterns or behaviours existed in Tenerife - I just got them back and they kind of overwhelmed me. What. The. Fuck.
