Bang bang bang bang

AFFINITET af lat. affinitas, grannskap; frändskap (gm giftermål)]
1) kem. kemisk frändskap, två ämnens sträfvan att ingå kemisk förening. Alla kroppar .. hafva en viss grad affinitet til hvarandra. GJÖRWELL Enc. 133 (1777). på grund af frändskap uppkommen kemisk förening. EHRENHEIM Fys. 258 (1822).

trots våra kroppars affinitet
plågas vi ändå av ensamhet...

Vad händer nu då?

The age of lost innocence

Have you ever been so angry at yourself that you could run into a wall just to cause yourself pain, which would distract you from the anger? Well, I have. Angry that I can't break thought patterns and stop obsessing about things that I don't really care about. If I look at it from a realistic point of view, it's not something that matters to me, it only matters as an object of obsessive thought energy. If the idea became reality, I wouldn't care at all about it, I only care when it's an idea. Which is frightening in itself, because why would I waste so much thought on something I wouldn't want in reality? Confused yet? Thoughts are what manifest in the real world, but somehow I'm working against myself, because these obsessive thoughts, I wouldn't want them to manifest and still they are what I think about the most. It's like a bubbling cauldron of chaos in there. Hence the anger. But I try to dismiss the anger the same way I usually dismiss the obsessiveness. And it works, little by little. Not that I relapse.

For a long time now I've lived in an uninterrupted inner calm, and it is like watching a river peacefully float by. The anger can't tough me, the obsessiveness is there but I'm getting better at dismissing it. Think that none of these complex thought patterns or behaviours existed in Tenerife - I just got them back and they kind of overwhelmed me. What. The. Fuck.

Hundra år senare

Har inte gått och lagt mig. Gick en lång bit till en buss runt fyratiden i morse, kom fram fem, inser att bussen går sex. Satt på en gräsplätt under ett träd som droppade regn, rökte den sista ciggen som dessutom var bruten. Tejpade ihop den med mina skitiga fingrar. Försökte få världen att sluta snurra. Bussen kommer förvånansvärt snabbt. Eller så var jag bara full. Stirrar ut genom fönstret på grå massa, försöker att inte somna. Somnar med kinden mot rutan. Vaknar dreglande upp vid Värnhem, försöker att inte somna om. Somnar. Vaknar upp precis innan Konserthuset. Hoppar av. Stapplar hem. Däckar. Vaknar två timmar senare för att jobba. Får reda på att det inte blir något. Sover en extra timme. Vaknar, fortfarande jättefull, försöker dölja det för föräldrarna, halsar vatten och kaffe, käkar lite yoghurt men har svårt att fokusera. Världen snurrar. Två panodil. Tid och vatten. Inget hjälper. Världen snurrar fortfarande på ett väldigt obehagligt sätt - det känns som en snetripp - men det beror nog mer på vad som hände igår och humöret än på fylla/bakfylla. För ibland är det så, helt orelaterat till "PMS" (som inte finns egentligen), att man bara vill gå och dö. Helst under en sten - då hittar de bara benen sen, hundra år senare.

In my head, I see you all over me

Eh. Yeah, that's it I think. Don't really know what else to say. Past, future, present. Past - beach, sun drink, hard work. Future - studenter, parties, drinking, parties, boys, parties, parties? Present - dead lock in between watching ladder goats and having conversations about beer bread and penises. Listening to french club music and considering going to Dubstep. Taking mom to see a movie. Buying presents. Drinking beer. Taking walks in the park. Working now and then. Climbing between boredom, misery and hopeful cheeriness - I see the past, the present and the future - all present. It confuses me and makes me dizzy. I could listen to the voice of Hayden Christensen forever. And I find myself amazing. Tomorrow - work and then watch pretty dresses and congratulate and then maybe a drink and then go home to watch another of these movies. New York, I love you - kind of entertaining. The Virgin Suicides - kind of interesting. What will it be tomorrow night? Then sleep. That's it.