You've got blood on your hands
And I know it's mine
I just need more time
So get off your low and let's dance like we used to
But there's a light in the distance
Waiting for me, I will wait for you
So get off your low and let's kiss like we used to
(White Lies)
Awesome band. And though my life is a little fucked up right now, I drift away on my gray clouds. Listening to music which takes me to places where I imagine I don't exist anymore. No do's and don'ts and musts. No offenses, no faces long gone, no smiles and no tears. No acquaintances, no friends, no people, no places. No memories. No long dark future without purpose or goal. It's just a dark ceiling with moving lights and tears on cheeks running down clogging up the ears. And I knew this would happen and I know it will happen again. This is a story about a girl who really existed but didn't want to exist. I picture my own grave. It's the people around it that I don't want to hurt. Me, no problem hurting that part. And I know it'll pass and I know I might be ok. I hate being selfish, I'm afraid of being selfish. And sometimes I am really selfish. And keeping this blog is selfish. No one feels better from these words, no one but me. When everybody's dancing, I don't want to... And as Lex pointed out - it's a pointless blog where I keep degrading myself. Today I loved the sunlight. I loved the morning coffee, the autumn leaves and the chicken I ate when I came home from work. It tasted especiallly nice since I was starving. Why is it that every autumn I feel like I'm running on empty. From October to March I'm a dustbin filled to the brim with melancholy waste. I apologise to everyone who might be affected by this. But what do I know, that might just as well be egocentric thinking, that I can affect anyone. Society is harsh, a collection of trophies, and I don't make the shelf. I don't fit the cut. So let me just live outside it and waste away. Probably in poverty, if I don't manage to SELL. It's all about the selling. Sell your soul and sell your body, sell your ideas and sell your self-image. All to earn money. Now be a good girl and do what you're told... Never pretend for me.
