So I was thinking on the train again. I was comparing this summer to last summer, what was different and what was not. Let's see. Last summer, I had the same job, but I don't recall it ever being this much work or this stressful. Last summer, I managed to finally get Z out of my head, with slight downfalls like Metaltown. Last summer, I worked at Metaltown and WCR, and loved it, and would really have liked to at least have attended those festivals. I went to Hultsfred, which I did this summer too, and it was ten times the more fun this time around, because of the fun people we met there, and because of being in Träsket, close to the lake and the festival area. Last summer, I didn't talk to that person at all. Which I haven't much this summer either, because of the same stupid thing. Regrettably, that's up to her. Last summer when G came home, I was pretty much just as indifferent as this time around, but he turned out to be more of an asshole this summer. Last summer, I had a lot of feelings going this way and that, angst for friend-situations, hate against some, conflicted love towards some, regret and shame regarding some situations. I was younger. I was more easily hurt. I didn't see myself as clearly as I do now, and I wont let myself think I'm a bad person, that i did wrong, because of bad self-esteem. If I know in my heart it was right, then that's good enough for me.
And then there's this other person that I don't know why is still in my life. Because I know when someone care about me and when they don't. Or when they care but for selfish reasons or wrong reasons. I can just tell. And I know when someone is saying one thing but acting subconsciously differently - then that's the time to get out. Because that person is putting up an act. Or just feeling that you're not good enough, you don't deserve the whole charade. Only the words. I can smell rejecetion ten feet wide. However, some people I will just never manage to read, but I'm still trying to figure out if they're fucking worth the effort or not.
