We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Woken by a row, things falling and smashing and banging and people screaming. And then the door slamming shut and hysterical tears. It was a pretty interesting way to wake up, and then realising I was bleeding. Great. Falling out of bed, checking that everyone is ok, cleaning up, then back for an hour of half-sleep. Then up again, shower, dress, coffee, bike to work. Turns out I don't start until another 3 hours, which meant I biked home again, and here I am. What a great day, I can't wait for it to be over. I just want work to be over and slouch in the couch with a Harry Potter movie.
I realized why I am so reluctant to go to work. I am afraid. I have a strong fear of failing, of being wrong, of doing wrong. This I have had since I started school, because that's when I realized there is such a thing as being wrong. But is there really? Why do adults teach their children that they are wrong, stupid, ugly, not good enough? Why can't they teach them how wonderful they are, teach them to appreciate the miracle they are and the miracles around them? Ingrained fears are passed on through generations, children punished for their parents mistakes. Even if we mean to do good, sometimes we do more damage than good.
Reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman, a really captivating book. It's weird, but it's brilliant. The kind of books I will be writing. Speaking of writing, I want to start. But my Write Monkey broke down. And speaking of speaking: secrets and lies. There are things I never tell, and there are things I never hear, and there are things that are just falling. Dazed looks staring into nothingness, even in company the mind slips away, drifts on a cloud and is lost to obscurity. Who can tell who we are? What have we found? The same old fears.
