in a world non-withstanding
surrounded by people i thought i knew
dancing the dance of lost lovers
and trying to face the inevitable
loneliness is the cloak we never shed
the shell we go on hiding in
just thouht of it. no matter where you are in the world, no matter how much you have in terms of material belongings, you will always have to face who you really are inside. the glossy pictures in the magazines might make us dream and long, but if you picture being there, sun-tanning beside an azure pool, a magnificient view in the background and a drink in your hand, you can still feel your own core. imagine being there breathing, closing your eyes, letting time pass. you will still feel lonely if that is what you feel. admittedly you might be slightly happier due to all the material stuff, but it's not guaranteed.
so much is about money, about affording. having spent the day looking at scholarships, this is something that im very aware of at the moment. even if i always am at a constant vigilance when it comes to money and how i spend it. what also brought unnaturally much attention to this issue was when i spent the entire night on tradera, trying to win a cheaper train ticket to stockholm. i landed myself a ticket at 420kr, which i still thought was too much for my economy (and thinking about how to afford the journey home, ALOT too much). when i later didn't get any info from ASSHOLE tradera on how to extract my price (which resulted in me missing the departure anyway, so what was the fucking point), i ended up in a depressing reverie about what i could do if i had so much money i wouldn't have to worry about spending it in the first place. i know i would still be quite miserable (it's just my nature) but for starters, i would be in uppsala now, enjoying the long-longed for company of one of my closest friends who just so unfortunately happens to live there. i would have a weekend of happiness instead of one of studying.
money is far too big an issue in my head. but if i had enough to not worry about it, i could also have embraced the second plan after going to uppsala, which was Tivoli with magda. she wanted me to go there with her, but i couldn't really afford that either. i guess if i hadn't been in copenhagen the weekend before that and bought clothes i could have gone, so in that case it was more a matter of priority. but i hate priorities, i want to do everything i want to do, no matter what it costs!
this also got me thinking that i wanna earn alot in my future profession, so that i can provide monetary security for my children. they should never have to worry whether they will get in to the university of their choice or not. (which is exactly what im worrying about at the moment)
i cant endure the thought of NOT going to Japan. hearing the ending song of Mononoke Hime, my heart aches like that of a thousand broken hearts, and i cant imagine my life in the future if i dont get to japan. i simply just have to get there, any way i can. it's so sad it has to be a matter of money.
Now I know what you're thinking - what a spoiled little brat! But let me tell you this. sure, i could write a blogpost about people who REALLY need money, who live on one dollar a day, but to tell the truth, i'd rather write from the heart, from what i know most people in my surrounding are going through right now, than pretending to think myself able to save the world. i know what it's like living in uncertainty, not knowing if you'll be able to pay the next rent. i also know that im in no postion to help these poor people, at least not in the situation i am in today.
as cesar likes to reason - if he gets super-rich, THEN he might be able to make a difference for these people, invest in their businesses, help them get started on projects that will help them help themselves.
But the getting rich part comes before that.
Right now, i just want the security money brings. knowing i WILL be going to Japan, no matter what. Sometimes you can't help wishing your parents where millionaires.
Parents, i never dare asking for money, because i know how they will look at me. "Get a job". I also feel really bad if it so happens that i HAVE to ask for some support, it feels like im in a life-long debt to them. Or when my dad tells me he has NO LOANS whatsoever, that loans are evil and i should avoid them at all costs. if im going to japan, i will in no way be able to avoid loans (=evil). And how does that make me feel.
Yes, I wish I was a spoilt millionaire kid with every material possesion I could wish for, living in a pent-house in central Tokyo, partying every night, enough money for the rest of my life without having to do anything. walk-in closet, designer clothes, private chauffeur, socializing with the elite. no, it's not just a damage attained from gossip girl, it's a life-long wish ive harboured since the day i could walk. Ever since the first "no" ("Mommy, i want a doll" - "Honey, we can't afford it") I've hated to not have enough money.
Why is money so taboo? Why does spoiled equal bad? Why are you selfish if you strive for economic security? Why is money dirty? Why does it pass so quickly from hand to hand and make us bricks in a board game? Why is it all some people care about?
Why is it bad to satisfy your cravings? Why is pleasure bad? Why should we feel bad about not thinking of the starving kids in Africa?
In any way. All we ever asked for was happiness. For everyone.
