in the beginning there was the word.
in every face lies the potential of a thousand other faces. i mean, think of it, every time you look into a mirror, you see a different face. technically it's the same face, but depending on what's going on in your mind at that particular moment, you perceive it, reflect upon it, in different ways. some times im cute, sometimes im the ugliest in the world. sometimes i dont even know who im looking at. who the fuck is that self-sorry little narcissistic shit? or, who the fuck is that vulnerable little child? my own eyes eluding me. my mouth getting spider legs, scurrying its way up my cheek. sometimes blank, an empty nothingness. who is inhabitating this body i never seem to get along with?
today i thought of death again. what's the point of all this. easy doesn't mean right, but sometimes the thought of disappearing gets so tempting. and no, im not being dramatic, it's a very matter-of-fact statement, nothing dramatical at all. im sick and tired of all the drama. why lunge yourself into a storm when you can remain calm och inte låta petitesser påverka.
When you read Paul Auster, your life gets a dream-like quality. whatever situation i find myself in, it feels like im outside all thats happening, outside myself. and you notice strange things, or strange things happen...
i didnt know mum had cats. she has apparently. they're the cutest ever and i love them.
today i thought of friendship again. getting to know someone is complicated. so much easier when you were a kid and could share in fantasies instead, a game you all took part in. thinking and talking screw things up. talking is not the same connection. soul to soul connection. i wanna be able to play like kids do, build up a whole imaginary world and live in it. for some hours being able to be absorbed in a complete fantasy.
quote of the day from Inevitable by Anberlin, a really beautiful song:
"Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love"
fuck. this is just a really fucked up experiment. and we can't help eachother, not even ourselves.
