The song that haunts me over and over and over is "Miserable at best" by Mayday Parade:
This is for Soph. love you. want to be by your side more than anyone elses right now. "Don't cry, I know. You're trying your hardest. And the hardest part is letting go." Even though no one seems to understand, I know what you're going through. So just let me be by your side, and I hope I'm good for something.
This is for me and everyone else out there who don't seem to get anywhere in life and keep whining about it and feeling stupid and silly for not being able to do anything about it, frustration, anger, pain, emptiness, being alone even though surrounded by friends. "And the hardest part of living. Is just taking breaths to stay."
And this is a constant feeling. What the fucking hell am I doing here in the first place?! "Because I know I'm good for something. I just haven't found it yet. But I need it."
Reading "Berättelsen om O" av Pauline Réages. It's an erotic novel. It's quite interesting, and I've been intending to read it for quite some time now, because of the titel. I just had to find out more about this mysterious O. Since I also call myself O at times it was interesting to make a comparison. It's a really good book actually. Been reading and sleeping alot lately, makes me feel secure, locked inside imaginative worlds, nothing can hurt me there, not even myself. But back to the book. O has a lover. He takes her to a castle somewhere in France, where she is introduced in the rituals of a very strange order. The "masters" are all men of course, or to be honest, the masters are their penises, and the servant girls who are brought there have to obey every wish and whim of the masters. På nätterna piskas de, och också om de brutit mot någon regel eller etikett (blicken ska vara fäst vid "the master", man får på inga villkor titta männen i ögonen, inget prat i korridorerna, svara bara på tilltal etc). Under dagarna agerar de som servants, med det undantaget att männen äger deras kroppar in every sense. Sexually abused beyond sanity, piskade, våldtagna, over and over, every imaginable humiliation, free for every man at the castle to take whenever he wants, chained at hands and neck, chained to the wall when they are supposed to "sleep" (if none of the masters intend to play with her). It's a really intriguing book. Terrible in a way but still intersesting how O just suffers through everything of this because she trusts her lover, the man who brought her there, she loves him beyond reason. Even when she's raped continually from behind, and he's watching, even when they piskar henne tills det blöder och hon skriker av vansinne, and he's watching it all, she still loves him. They own her in every sense, she's all theirs.
Gonna continue reading now. And then I'll sleep.
