Why You

Just wanna crawl into a little ball. And disappear for sometime. Keep drinking. And keep meeting all the wrong men, that I don't like and don't even give a chance. Have to stop trying to get over people by going out with randoms. It's not working. Don't even give them a chance. Just make out with them and leave them. Ignore them. Then the men that I do want: one is an asshole, thought I knew him but apparently I didn't and now he's acting like I'm not here. Disappeared, evaporated. The other is a liar who I cannot trust ever again. Fed me lies for months. Fed me bullshit, and sparkly eyes and perfect moments, and then doesn't want to know it, doesn't want to claim it. Doesn't want me but he acts like he sometimes does but he doesn't and it's so confusing. They keep me thinking, in alcohol distilled clouds, about a future that will never be and leave me be and makes me incapable of loving.