Like you won some kind of award

If you thought I would leap into your arms,
everytime I would see your face
Then maybe you, you should've tried harder

I want to puke. On Studying. So tired of studying, thinking about studying, panicking about studying, worrying that I'm not studying enough. Etc. Flipping through a university catalog, ordering tickets for festivals, planning the summer, planning life after. When will we have time to just live? Just, do nothing sort of. Until you become tired of doing nothing. And then you can do something.

They went away. To Venice. And here I am. Kalmar? Sounds tempting. But still, the apartment to myself is incredibly nice. Listen to music as loud as I want, walk around naked as I please, maybe invite people over for a movie night. Finish the math portfolio? There are duty and pleasure calls, and right now I am ignoring the duty calls.

And tired about writing about how strange people are. So I wont do it. But it's horrible when you're left to reading signs, supposed to take hints, fall short and stumble in the dark.

All of days that past us by

From the sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
Or
All of days that past us by,
All of the sun is gone...
Away
(-Story of the year)

George Bernard Shaw once said that a life spent making mistakes is not only more honrable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. He also said that everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough. As we go through life, we will continue hurting people, and they will continue hurting us. There is no guarantee that it wont happen again and again, there is no promise you can make to make the hurt go away for ever. Hurt is such an unnecessary feeling really. It doesnt make anyone happier, so why feel it? I believe we can't control those feelings sneaking up on us. Feelings are a bitch that way. They always catch you when you expect it the least, catch you with your pants down so to speak. And we just have to deal with it. Deal with the hurt, and with all the mistakes we made. And deal with the fact that it will most probably happen again. Holding my mother as she cries from yet another dramatic break-up with the love of her life, trying my best to find wise plattitudes like "love prevails" to comfort her, this becomes more apparent than ever. We end up hurting the people we love the most. "You love each other more than anything, so why the fuck do you keep doing this?! Can't you just love each other and be happy?!" It's unfortunately and obviously not as simple as that. But working through the issues, getting past the barriers, holding on to each other, being honest, angry and everything we have to be to solve the damn fuck-ups inside our own minds, is so totally worth it in the end. Because it's the greates mistakes that make our life worth living just because they make us so incredibly strong. It's just a matter of having a little faith. Having faith that it will work out, if we just keep talking about it. If we are there for each other. Or as I said to mom "imagine your life as a a tv-series. Like I'm watching One Tree Hill right now, and right now in the episodes I am watching, they are having a really hard time. They're hurting so much and everything is just shit. But. I've seen the following season, and in the following season they've all found their way back to each other, and they're just full of love, and they are so happy! So, imagine you can see the next season of your life, and see how happy you will be there, and have a little faith now that you're hurting so much. Have a little faith that it will be over, and you will be happy again!" So keep making mistakes and keep hurting, because it will make you great, wonderful people. Then there's that other part to it that we just love to be caught with our pants down.

So sacrifice yourself

You take the breath right out of me
You left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
Cause I will be the death of you
(-breaking benjamin)

Rediscovering old music, bringing up memories of days that I'll never forget, days that where so much and contained so much feeling. More than I've experienced ever since then. Yes. I want the feeling back. The intense pleasure, the burning pain, the crippling sadness, the orgasmic joy. Even if I walked the earth thinking I felt nothing, those were the days I felt the most. And the music bring it out in me again. We need love and hate to define ourselves. Thinking of it, I feel a lot now too, but it's only afterwards I realize. Like when I cried this Monday. Like when I felt hate bubbling under the surface, random hate, urging me to hurt, someone, something, myself. It's interesting to observe feelings without letting them out. Interesting seeing where they go.

True colors

it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you feel so small

If you just have someone to see your true colors, it gets easier. If there is someone who really see you for who you are no matter how many fuck ups. No matter what you say or do as reaction against this or that, because all that is a facade and a product of muddled thoughts. All people have all the colors of the spectrum of light. Some are like rainbows and some are just bright, like pure white sunlight. Some fade to gray. This world makes me crazy, that we can't love and trust eachother. True colors are beautiful. I talked to mom for two hours yesterday, and she said there is a solution. She made me believe that there are other ways. And there are.

Fire red now turning blue

blame it on the weather, but i'm a mess
and this february darkness. has me hating everyone
and i know i give you comfort, but this trouble makes me sick
and the longer i lay here, i know it's harder to get up
( - Silverstein)

It's actually March. But it's the same. Today I got the urge to smoke a whole package of cigarettes. Just to be bad. And my unrealistic sense of reality constantly messes up shit. I don't know why I never learn but apparently I never do. Keep hoping and then - nothing. Why the fuck do I even expect things from people? It's just not fucking worth it. People let you down over and over. And you know the best part, there isn't a fucking shit anyone can do about it. Just not fucking worth it. Cheerios.