so what was the fucking point. hate when everyone keeps telling me im good at stuff cuz im not. yet another failure loaded to the pile. yet another fit of self-sorry rage. yet another spell of bad bad ideas and self-destruction.
that thought resurfaces again. what is the fucking point. why am i here. cant i just go. leave all this bullshit crap and do what i really want to do. its not impossible. whats the fucking point of staying fucking here.
all the cute candyfloss sugary fluffiness of the weekend is gone in a second. open the mailbox and kaboom. telling you, email is deadly. ARGH!! i just wanna shout and scream and be as dramatic and violent as i can, but instead i just sit here staring in apathy at the screen thinking "im not good for anything, i suck, im retarded".
"Unfortunately" well dont be sorry, i suck anyway. so much for encouragement. im one of the few who actually intuitively liked the subject from the beginning. well i fucking dont anymore, i hate it. hate is a strong word, but i really really dont like it. you know what i like? FREEDOM TO WRITE WHATEVER I WANT HOWEVER I WANT. guess that doesn't work does it. i can't express myself in a fucking box. words for me is like a waterfall.
it doesnt help that im this upset about it all, makes me feel even more retarded. den som ger sig in i leken får leken tåla. been told that since kindergarten, woah, we teach our kids some really good values dont we. does it help the confusion? does it help the pain? i dont bloody think so.
Right now everything is just SHIT. one little thing just crashes and everything else crashes with it. i lied down in my bed, bundled up like a hurt little kitten and just let everything fall on top of me, the worthlessness of existence crushing my head like a cockroach. why cant i be the top of the class? why cant i at least be successful? or popular? or pretty? or anything special. the fear of mediocre got me trapped in a noose and im slipping off the chair. why cant i be anything that proves im good enough? that my existence is worth something.
i dont wanna learn the lesson of loving yourself, of being able to exist without having to perform, to do, to be something. i want to perform, and i want to be the best. conflicting between duty and pleasure, what i find pleasurable in this world is what im good at. really, i should dedicate my days to writing, and practicing it and trying to get something published. duty is the rest of "schooling" im never fucking gonna use. i dont need it, but still i have a need to be good at it, to perform and get top grades, even if the subject bores me to death. so when i dont get good grades, i hate myself for not performing good enough.
every day, i wanna see my dream. future-scared and (a)pathetic, good thing i didnt fucking do something stupid. so tired of myself i could barf. and here it is, the barfing. drowning in vomit. im gonna go pretend-commit-suicide. my favourite game of all.
Yes - LMFAO
Every time I dive in my pool
It's hard to be humble
When I do the breaststroke through an underground tunnel
And come up on the other side in a Jacuzzi
Being greeted by two naked models with suds on their booties
They give me hugs and lots of kisses
And they ask me what my wish is
I say go and call your bitches cause there's gonna be a party
Then they wash my body as a team
And they say "Fool, your royal penis is clean!"
And I'm like
[chorus]
Yes, this song is poppin'
Yes, this party's rockin'
Yes, the cutie's shockin'
Yes and there ain't no stopppin'
[repeat]
Yes
I get to dancing as I
Walk through my mansion 'cause I
Own property from the Hamptons to California and I
Sip from my water fountain that spits soda
Look out the window and wave at my next door neighbor Oprah
I check to see how my album's doing today
The group LMFAO goes double platinum HEY!
I got a party, man
That's how I live
So I take an elevator from the club in my crib
[chorus x4]
Every day I see my dream
Every day I see my-every day I see my dream
Every day I see my dream
Ev-ev-every day I see my dream
Every day I see my every day I see my dream
[repeat]
