I wish this was a story I was writing. If it was a story, it would have an ending. Life would be able to go on after the end, pick up where I left. As it is, this is not a story I am writing. And I don't know where I would pick up, was I to end it.
Human weakness is what allows evil and darkness to flourish. Through our human compassion, evil gets a chance to survive. Now, I'm not questioning it, because how else could it be. I'm merely stating, that this is the way of the world. Such it is, in all the stories we read. There is always a moment of weakness, which allows evil to live on. To name my favorite examples, Obi-Wan failing to kill Anakin, and Isildur refusing to let go of the ring when he could have destroyed it once and for all. These were necessary, and it all ended well in the end, but think of what would have happened if these events went in another way. Don't underestimate the power of fiction.
The Jedis inspire me. Their philosophy has followed me ever since I saw the first movie (IV) as a little kid. It has affected me as I grew up, and I remember a time when I really believed that loosing control of your emotions lead to the dark side. Whatever that was. I was so afraid to loose control of my emotions, I couldn't even allow myself to feel. And later on, there was another time when I despised human weakness, weakness in whatever form. I put my body and mind through a hard regiment, to eradicate all weakness, molded my character and my physical body, yearned for perfection, for becoming a master. It lead to a mental disease.
Now I have lost all that can be called character. I escape from myself through various means, I do not live in my body and I despise my weak mind. "Your body is your temple" some say, "so take good care of it". Why is it then that I have such a strong desire for self-destruction? Seeing the glory in thrashing myself. The booze, the drugs, being wild. Eat only junkfood, maximum calories, no greens. No exercising. It is true what I said, I feel like a hippo. And number 5 was not ironic, as some of you hoped.
Otherwordly and eternal make us long for more. Because the universe is infinite and there must be so much more out there. All the people out there, all the possibilities.
Where is the horn and the rider?
Where is the magic?
Will I have to imagine all my life, that there is something more, a secret hidden behind all this? That the plastered facade isn't everything? That soon, the proof of their existence will be revealed?
How we think about ourselves is such an interesting thing. Because often these images don't correspond very well with what everyone else think of us. Sometimes the images correspond to some extent, but mostly not. Having insight into your own character is another interesting thing. Feeling urges you know you shouldn't is another interesting thing. The nature of the human mind is beyond interesting. Would you say you have good insight into your own minds? Can you define yourself, who you are? Can you guess how others see you, and what does that mean to you, does it matter?
We laugh at those with no distance to their self. Those who obviously fail to see their own flaws, or even worse, refuse to see them. But really we should be laughing at ourselves for thinking us so clever. We are not any better are we. Being aware is both a blessing and a curse, what we choose to do with the awareness is another thing. Some strive for change, because they do not like what they see. Others go for the philosophy "i am like this, nothing to do about it, take it or leave" and there are so many other ways to tackle it. Self-image is very interesting indeed.
How many times did i wish i was a mind-reader. Too many. If we think about someone, alot, and wonder if this person thinks just as much about us in turn, why don't we take a chance. Just for the sake of it. Is it over-confident to expect this, to expect that other one to think as much as we do? Or on the other hand, if we take it for granted and act out, we might create a happy ending. Divergence. I will go to bed and dream my lonely dreams now. Sleeping with ghosts. Goodnight,
