It's a beautiful lie

To believe in. Where is that other half, cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome. Is it out there? Somewhere. Where have you been? With all the wrong women. P.S. I love you. I just want to feel like that. The butterflies sneaking up on you uninvited, the smiles that make you melt, the eyes that make you burn, the touch that sends an electric shock through your entire being. What do I know. Nothing at all. Clear in my head that I'm screaming for something. Today I just wanted to spit on the world, paint it black and hate everyone. This world is not worth such a beautiful mind as mine. The ones who want it, have to seek it out for themselves cause I'm not showing it. That was what I thought anyway. Cause this is just a game. It's the perfect denial. Such a beautiful lie. Just a game. Beautiful. And it doesn't show on the outside who's hurting and not. Always so far away. Swedish people are dövstumma. Too wrapped up in themselves and to self-conscious. I hate it. Uninvited guests in this melancholy world. And soon you'll learn that the only thing worth to treasure is the people who actually care. So why is there a tear in your eye? We all lost touch. A promise of utopia clouding the vision, leading us astray. Singing out loud, to guide me. Same mistakes, same mistakes. Look at the stars beneath my feet. Hello, alone. There is no place I can't go. My heart is heavy, does it show? Loose the track, and I loose me. This calling. And if I ever leave this world alive...

Against All Odds

Adrenaline shock. Exhaustion. Yes I love it. Yes is a wonderful word. Acknowledged in Yes Man, which I haven't seen yet, and no matter how irritating, Jim Carrey is still brilliant. Just think of all the things you would experience if you said yes all the time to all the things coming your way. I once had the philosophy to say yes to everything, but in these days of eternal winter-darkness-depression, I more frequently use the word "palla". But I should change that. Definitely.

And still Mint smoke high baby. I should write a song with that title because it fucking rocks. Beer-fridays is a very cultivated and nowadays holy tradition. Love the beer and love the company. Nobody change it, it's holy.

And my world fell apart recently. All my music deleted from the iPod. Rage. And that rage was purifying and refreshing and got me to action. And maybe it was for the better. But I don't want it to happen again. Rediscovered my flumm-rock vein though, Babyshambles and Nirvana and such hazy drug cloud music that is just fucking brilliant. Purple Haze, Fuck Forever, About a girl - just hand me a j and I'm away... It's so interesting that I mostly just discuss drugs whenever I meet my mum's bf. This time we actually discussed cats too. And when talking about cats, I just have to say I love our superfat megacat Bobakin (a mix between Bob as in Spongebob and Anakin). Love cuddling him. Love having him on my lap. Love listening to his purring. Why can't humans purr? It's one of the most wonderful sounds ever. Fucking brilliant.

Once Bitten

Twice Shy. Vampire-sleeze-pulse-upper. You know the words, so sing along for me baby. I love biting people and it's so exciting when people like being bitten and ask me to do it. Benjamin Buttons was a really good movie. Think to age backwards. I loved the part when he was young in India. The scenery. And when he ate caviar and drank vodka and fell in love in Russia. And Mike, the tattoo-artist and when they found the sub in the war. Everything in that movie was really beautiful. And I've found myself doing things I really shouldn't be doing, and looking at things I really shouldn't be looking at and thinking about stuff I really shouldn't be thinking about. Mint smoke high baby. Why can't I just be a robot? Study all day and night and not feel or think. Too late, I'm sure. I don't want to feel like I'm dying under the weight of the world. Why is it that I feel my purpose in this world is to make other people happy? Cause when I fail in that mission, I get so unhappy I just want to disappear. When you loose your purpose, you loose your way, and everything gets pointless. Going out of bed in the morning is not necessary when there is no purpose. Taste something on your lips. And I understand how people make new friends but for probably the first time in a really long time, I don't feel like I want to get to know new people. I have the people I need. And I can't be arsed to let anyone else in, because it's just so tedious letting people in. People who can hurt you. More often than not they will. And I don't want to need anyone. I don't want to hurt and get hurt. Because it sucks. I fell into pieces, and no one is falling into me. The sunsets and sunrises are so pretty and the stars are hurting my eyes, making them water, because no it is not tears. The sky it's not mine but I want it. Words get new meanings all the time. Making eyes. And right now I just want someone to hug me and never let go, just to keep my insides from falling out. Because it feels like I'm coming apart at the seams that were really badly sown in the first place.

When will we take the blame?

So many people live their lives detached from it all. Days filled with emptiness. Of course, on the outside it might not look empty at all. There might be good grades, or a really active social lives, or sports or parties and friends or all of it. Still, on the inside, they are detached from themselves, as if onlookers of their own life. And when they look back on they are amazed at everything they have done and gone through, and are amazed that they are still so empty after all that. Maybe they are looking for something they are unable to find. I don't know. What I do know, is there that there doesn't have to be a reason at all. Some people are just wired that way. People and places pass them by. Often very dear, but no matter how dear, still very far no matter how near. Maybe they need someone to really see them, maybe they need to feel special, wanted, needed and that they matter. Of course they know that people will mourn and miss them if they go, but the never-ending thirst for something more is stronger. And so they disappear. A boy at our school killed himself. Committed suicide. I don't know if this was the way he felt, detached, but I know many who do and many who did and are now gone.

We underestimate both ourselves and each other. To reach out and try and make a difference isn't that hard and still we don't do it. (will we in our swedishness embarrass ourselves? Is it something you “just don't do”?)

I am one of those empty people. What I hold on to, what makes me able to go on, is the wish to help others who feel like this. Because from experience I know that it gets so much easier when you can share it with someone who is the same. Someone who doesn't tell you to “snap out of it”.

Thanks to all the overdramatic wemo fjortisar (who frequent venues like Bilddagboken, fishing for sympathy) suicide is an issue that is today laughed at. It is not taken seriously. But it is real, and when will people wake up and realize that. It is real. And it is increasing for a reason.

Human conscience = we close our eyes to the things we don't want to see. Now I see why guys like the Joker and Jigsaw do what they do. A social experiment to make people wake up from their endless coma called life. To open their eyes. “Only when our lives are about to end do we find the strength to change” (The Day The Earth Stood Still). We are all going to die sooner or later, so who decides when? The politicians who's decisions everyday kill nameless people living on the street? The rapist/murderer maniacs who massacre families for fun? The suicidal teenager who jumps in front of a train? Their deaths are on the entire human conscience and we still keep our eyes tightly shut. When will we open them? When will we take the blame?

Thought like flames

Akira. Tekkon Kinkreet. Paprika. Spirited Away. Mononoke Hime. 5cm per second. Totoro. The top animes that I will always love and adore. The dreams. The country they make me ache with longing for. Think what beautiful scenery and authentic environments can do to you huh. Anyway, the ICU application will be sent in tomorrow and then, one can only hope.

Sisterhood of the traveling pants. Yes I know, cheezy etc but still. Skipping two classes just to see that movie, hell yeah it was worth it. I almost cried again. And it was actually a really nice movie. Cute. And sentimental. And cheezy. True love and all that. It's nice to look at, but it's hard to believe there is such a thing in real life. Anyway, I don't want to go around and believe it because I would only get miserable. More miserable. I used to believe in it: I was a princess once upon a time believe it or not. But then things happened. Like reality. And it was different.
And one line struck me as odd: "guys don't worry about relationships". Don't they? I sure as hell hope they do. I know some don't. But that are just the retarded guys.
And also, so much drama going on in their lives. Maybe it's an American thing, but there hasn't been much drama around here for ages. Isn't that a good thing? Well, debatable. Drama makes life interesting, and show you sides of people you thought you knew. Drama is fun when it can be handled rationally, like talk about it, or work it out somehow.
And also, graduation soon! It's actually really soon. And then what. Off to everywhere and life and scary things and more scary things and I don't know and...
And finally, it got me thinking about everything you go through as you move through life. It is really incredible, everything we carry around inside us. Really incredible.