Shallowness is hurtful indeed. Why is my gutfeeling a really awful one. Because it is a really awful one.
All clenched and nervous, and non-belonging and hurt and sad and lost. And regretful. But most importantly: defiant.
Why should i suffer in eternity, why do i always keep on blaming myself for things that happened ages ago, my conscience burning my insides to ashes.
it doesn't matter if it's all good, if someone says it's ok, i can smile and pretend it is, but i know i did something wrong, and i will gon on blaming myself forever, no matter what you say.
that is how i repay that which can never be repaid, that is how i can pretend to be healing when really all i do is try to put a band-aid over the chasm.
and that is how no one else will ever understand. never ever. everyone makes mistakes, some make more fatal than others. and everyone deals with it in different ways.
time heals for some. others can never escape the fire. once a blame is put, hey, there doesn't even have to be any putting of blame. i will already have gone through with the futile trial when it comes to that, and i will already have received the death sentence.
but two death sentences make it all so much more painful.
i keep on thrusting the stake through my heart.
i keep on frying my skin on the cross.
i keep on clawing at my pale chest,
trying to reach and rip, tear and crush
i want it to stop, the voices and the squirmy feelings
i want the quiet of dead night
i want a solitary dark grave
where i finally will rest in peace
listening to my music, singing my songs, and writing my words.
party-pooping AngstFest.
it's all so insane how we just keep on smiling
listening to the noises of the city
feeling the bruises of a bruised ego
getting all wrapped up in it
the beauty contest and the popularity race
the insomnia and the bad dreams
the lipstick stains and the crumbled mascara
what are we?
why do i talk about this now? well, because my gutfeeling isn't right. it's a very awful one.
a frightened one. a little kid screaming for comfort. but there is no comfort.
no warm embrace to keep me safe. i guess we all long for that sometimes. someone to keep us safe and give us hope when our own ability to do that is a bit off-duty.
a chocolate egg a day
expensive habits that make life worth living
so much to do these days
but still find minutes to squeeze in the words
someone with so many thoughts
must someday find a way, right?
and not the a-way to nothingness, cause that is already a well-known path
the allure of purity is so far away i cant even see it. no candles will light the way.
and the whispers of the stars wont even help me now, when the boatman doesn't take coins anymore
cause some stupid bastard collected the silver coins, on the eyes of the dead,
and put them in his piggy bank
why would he do such a thing if not possessed by Mannon?
i do not know but some might know the story.
of insanity as it speaks. of children when they laugh. of sunlight on a rank corps.
who would hurt such a playful thing?
poke it with a pointy stick and make it withdraw into the depths of solicity?
im not on the train anymore
i think i jumped off
then again, i say that every time and i fool myself every time
something bad happens and hell happens and solicity happens
and then there's someone. who likes to play
and we play for a while
then something bad happens. and hell happens and solicity happens
and then there's someone...
i do like to play very much.
but im sensing a pattern and i think im not the only one.
a play in re-play, but with different actors.
the stories intertwining and some never coming to an end
but everything changes with every hell
a chord is painfully cut
and things change
and are never the same
because a band aid could never cover a chasm
only in fairytales it could
but sleeping beauty is already awake and when she realised reality was real, she commited suicide by shooting herself in the head
im sorry kids, all stories cant have a happy ending
because that is real reality
there is escape and there is escape
some better than others.
just find the keys and you'll be able to open the doors into the treacherous realm of escape and escape
and spacebar and delete.
but the question marks are everywhere, so be careful.
that's all for tonight kids.
Sweet Dreams.
