What are you supposed to do when you feel your heart even though you don't want to feel it? When you feel it squirming like some disgusting worm, wriggling. It's there in your chest, having all these feelings, or at least it feels like it's all in the chest, the ache and the... longing. and whatnot. And you just want to rip it out.
Because it just complicates things.
This is officially the last day of the summer break. And I'm dead tired. Will be kinda good going back to school I suppose. don't you think capital I in the middle of sentences look really offensive? i think it does and can't understand for a second why such a silly rule still is hanging on. why not just dump all capital i's. Yes. I was saying. School will probably be ok. Not maths. But the other things.
It's like im in my body but im really not. if you get what i mean. have you ever looked down at your own body and felt estranged, like it didn't really belong to you? like you can do whatever you want with it. trash it, hurt it, see it getting all filled with bruises, feed it bad food, deny it sleep... Or take care of it; long showers, body lotions, manicure, exercise, sleep, healthy food like lots of fruits and vegetables, relaxation... It's so interesting how simple things can get so detached.
Like detached from your life. You're aware you're living it but still not there entirely. Maybe that's just sometimes. But a whole summer break just passed. Like in a second. Does that mean I was not aware of the things I've done? I wasn't there? I have all these memories I keep replaying in my head. They make me smile, and cry, and laugh... It was a good summer. And now, I can't wait for autumn to come; the red and yellow leaves, the crisp air, the mist, the slowly creeping cold, the piercing autumn sunsets, the hard ground, cozy sweaters, hot food like savory stews and crunchy pies, cozy sweaters, wrapping yourself in a blanket with a book and a cup of tea, candlelight, storms, movies...
So many ambitions we carry. So much we MUST do. Like all the vows of a healthier autumn. "As soon as summer is out, I'll start exercising for real". Or the need to always perform. No matter what, we must always accomplish so much, collect merits on our stupid papers. We're not worth anything if we cant show it on paper.
It almost bugs me more than my heart.
But just almost.
Do you realize i never get anywhere with these blogposts? It's just a heap of randomness. Cant remember the last time i had a well-composed post that actually came to a conclusion. Maybe it's because my life lacks conclusions right now. Right now, it's all about the questions. And i think it will be for some time.
