I can't sleep. Seems a lot of that is going around lately. Is this a disease?
The skies are forbodingly grey, but no rain is falling. I'm just waiting for it to start, the release of it.
Would be nice to just feel the heavy downpour.
But now the clouds are moving, opening up, a speck of white becoming visible in a far corner.
That was not what I was waiting for.
If it's nice weather tonight, I'll curse the heavens.
I hate waking up early when I know I need my sleep.
I almost like waking up too late, at least then I can feel the satisfaction of my body claiming the sleep it needs.
Why wont my body co-operate at just sleep for as long as it needs, I need more sleep than this!
I can feel my eyes all tired, I can see myself collapsing of tiredness later when I have to go to work.
What is it about that place that makes me so desperately ache with longing?
It’s not just the culture. It’s everything.
So now I’ve looked at TUJ, ICU, Sofia and Waseda. I think I’ll be applying for ICU, seems like a really good uni, plus they had extensive information about the application procedure and the different programs, which I really liked. And they had a special procedure description for those with IB grades, me like, since the other schools don’t seem to know what it is. Sofia I didn’t get a grip on at all, but Waseda seems really good too, although the information was really confusing. TUJ I’ve talked to, but someone said it wasn’t a very good school. Maybe I’ll email Kazu, who’s a history professor, he should know, shouldn’t he?
Sometimes you just wish there was someone like Giles you know. Like a mentor of some sort. Someone older who would know what to do, who would help. My experience of guidance counsellors isn’t that great. I mean, they get paid to sit around and do nothing, give you a few websites that you could just as easily have found yourself.
Hey, I want a smooch-a-thon too! Maybe not in a graveyard, but then again, scary is good.
Talking to strangers really gives you a perspective on who you are. Or how you want others to see you. Talking to strangers make you realise how hard it is to let someone in, to become close.
I’ve been thinking about something I would like to call the “Mirror of Erised”-syndrome. You know when Quirrel looks into the mirror and only sees himself handing over the stone to his master, only someone who wanted to find the stone, but not use it, could get it out of the mirror. Thus, only a self-less person who wouldn’t want the riches or eternal life, would be able to get it. I see myself writing the book, I see myself getting it published, I see myself in my perfect Tokyo apartment, living off the success of my works. But how do I get it done? I don’t know if I have that book inside me. There are so many words, characters and plotlines and stories, but I never put them to paper, and when I do it’s just loose scraps of notes. It’s like my EE, I see myself handing it in to K, I see myself getting it back, marked A. I see the success but I never get it done. I only see myself using the stone, I never get it out of the mirror.
And I feel bad about this. Cause that’s what the bad guys see. The good guy got the stone out, remember?
Enough with the Harry Potter analogy. I want to think about what I’ve done so far this summer. I like to look at every experience as something you can grow and learn from. And there’s definitely been some major learning this summer. Maybe not schoolwise *cough* but many experiences. Maybe I’ve learnt a lot of this before, but it’s revision that makes it stick.
