You guys, this is incredible! I don't think I've ever been this filled with genuine happiness or hope before! It's like a mind-blast, I'm so not used to this!
Ok, so what happened? I got multiple-orgasms? Oh I wish, no, it was something far less dramatic. I sat on a train, that stood still, for two hours, and then it went back. There was some issue further up the rail. Pointless messages etc, me feeling "oh boy what an assy start the fucking first day of the year is!" But yeah, I went back, all the way back to where I came from. Then, feeling drained and incredibly tired, I lay down and wished for sleep. But I couldn't sleep! Somehow, all of a sudden, I was wide awake. And it didn't have anything to do with lying on a grainy couch in borrowed underwear with a thin children's blanket, it was something inside of me not wanting to shut up. So I took to the solution I do most of these occasions; no folks, not drinking, I plugged into my iPod. Enya. Floating away on those otherwordly tunes, feeling the music in my entire body. And, and, and, I don't know! A release or something. I decided, and this might sound complicated but here's the background as a parentheses (I have always had this silly fear that whenever I can't be funny or cool or whatever, then people wont like me, I have to come up with entertaining things to say and do and blablabla) - what I decided was: I have the right to be quiet! Holy shit! Or I can talk about what's going on in my eccentric mind. So what if people think I'm a freak. And also: I don't have to drink to do all the crazy shit I usually do when I drink. No see, Hultsfred was a proof for that. I can be fucking crazy without alcohol, and who cares what people think. I can be whoever I want to be. It sounds like heavy flumm or I dunno - something people realise in fifth grade? Hey, I'm a late bloomer, ok? Anyway, it was incredible. It was like an epiphany. I just sort of snapped. Positive things in my head. For the first time in ages. And hope! Yes, I can go to uni in Tokyo and be a stripper to pay for uni expenses and found my own hot bar, start dj-ing and be in a rock band and write a novel and whatever I want! It's about will. Not money. If there is a will, there is a way.
And then I went shopping today. Not in a consumerist way like all the other dead cows on the meat market. No. With an image in my head. An image of who I want to be, where I want to get. And then me and Zaz watched these great movies that I really think everyone should see because they're just so funny, life-affirming and contains the true essence of beauty. The first one, Horton, has a really great message. Wow does that narrow-minded hitler-kangaroo remind you of red-neck conservative politicians, and parenting gone wrong (like people sending in their horrifyingly awry, strong opinions about this or that to Metro). And Katie. Incredible Katie, so special and so wonderful and so cuddly. And Horton, talking to a speck, a speck that contains a whole little city. Whoville. That's right - a speck. "How do we know it's not them that are tiny, but we who are giants? And how can we know that there isn't anyone out there thinking we are tiny?"
Then "Be Kind Rewind". Why didn't I watch this earlier? So engaging, creative and life-affirming. Really true with what was stated earlier - will is everything. And so sad that it is money that govern our lives.
Also - Paul Auster's "The inner life of Martin Frost". Well, Auster should stick to writing, but it was a cute movie, and an interesting viewpoint.
Also. Seeing beauty everywhere around you, even where it might not be apparent...
